Confession

[Rizal]

Assalamualaikum to everyone here

I' was born in Asia and born into a muslim family. I'll be 32 in october this year and this is my confession.

It's been almost a year now since i left 'home' & my family.
It's tearing me up inside every day since i left because of my choices and actions.
I have tried almost everything except turning to my religion.
My life, hasn't been fruitful nor out-standing in any circumstance.
Mistakes made, ties broken and faith seem to deteriorate.

I will assume that many would say, i need help after reading all of this... But i feel, deep down i need to let it all out....
I have lived my life, comfortably under my fathers household.
My life isn't about alcohol, drugs nor women.. No, this confession i have is 'heavier' than that..
I lie about almost everything.
I lied about my identity, my family and almost everything imaginable.
If i were to seek 'redemption' in religion, i need guidance on the prayers aspect.

I know, i need to go home one day. I feel that day shouldn't come, untill i repent.

[Mustafa16]

what's wrong?

[rozyred]

Salam bro.

You need to calm down first. Regretting what you have done, itself is a good sign. Allah is Merciful, He will definitely forgive all your mistakes. Why don't you start repenting now and not postpone it for future? Ask Allah's help. I'm sure He will. And give call your parents and talk to them, they may be mad at you but I'm sure they will understand you. You need your parent's blessings too. Insha Allah have hope in Allah, He knows the best.

[Rizal]

Confession is something 'valid' but it seems that its not appreciated.
I always wanted to sit them (family) in a room, drink tea/coffee and tell them everything.
Maybe it's the lack of courage, or even the lack of understanding and willingness on their part.
I stand alone, always have.

I did not only leave my family, i also left my wife and baby.
My 2 year old daughter, whom is probably going to grow up without me around.
I miss my life, i miss being a husband.
I married a women, whom doesn't know me.
Whom, i would honestly say married me out of convenience.

Things, turned sour a few months before i left everything.
My mother in law, deemed me unfit as a 'husband' / muslim.
Nasty comments were made.
At that point of time, i learned that my dad re-married and left my mom out in the lurch.
Funny how life and things turned out, especially the fact that my mom and dad came back home from 'Umrah'

They got home, i got a call. My mom was crying.
Like any men, any muslim or any normal men with or without religion... I believe deep down, if your mom called you...
You would offer her your shelter (house) food and protection..
My wife, the hijab wearing (pious lady) didn't like the idea..

I tried explaining to her, in the context of 'reason' and me thinking its the right thing to do...
She left, she took my baby and just left to her moms' place...
Next thing i knew, my house was rented out..'
Now, i was still calm... I had some $$ stashed away for such 'emergency'
So i tried asking my wife and her mom, why is it wrong for me to offer ?

They said, in 'Islam' a husband needs to prioritize his own household.
Unfortunately, this is where i lost it totally... My mind just went ZOOM
I said, in a sarcastic way to them... " i gave you a home, its paid for. i made it a home, like what you want. financially we are secured... what else is lacking?

She said, by name i'm a husband.. but i'm never there.
Physically there, mentally elsewhere.. I didn't argue for i knew it was true..

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[rozyred]

I'm very sorry bro. This is it is said to do Mashurah in Islam so that you don't regret in future. Anyway, May Allah solve your problem. have hope in Him. He is the Most Merciful.

[almualim]

By time,
Indeed, mankind is in loss,
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

You took enought time, and left a hole in their hearts. Wake up, patch the holes, and believe in Allah. The only thing we don't own is TIME.