Share your Lame Jokes!!

[Cptn._.Mario]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

[M.I.A.]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said: “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”

Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Kenny said, “OK, then just unload the donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Kenny: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998.00.”

Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Kenny: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[Cptn._.Mario]

Kid asked his mother, "did I inherit my intelligence from you or father?"

The mother responds, "Your father of course - I still have mine".

[Cptn._.Mario]

My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

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[Cptn._.Mario]

Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days because?


The rest of the days are weak days

[RisingLight]

Why did shaytan refuse to cut onions and put them in his ps3?

He was afraid that : "Devil may cry"

[Cptn._.Mario]

Why didn't the chicken wake up?

Cos it was in a kurma (kurma is a type of gravy)

[rozyred]

How does a Muslim close the door? Islams it.

[RisingLight]

Whats does shaytan and a beautiful blonde girl have in common?

Their devilish looks

[Cptn._.Mario]

What's green and red and goes round and round?









A frog in a blender

[Eric H]

The man woke up after having his leg amputated.
The surgeon said, we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, we cut off the wrong leg, but the good news is, your bad leg is getting better.

Ok, that's half a lame joke, the guy still has one leg.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

A woman was shopping at a grocery store. She picked up some eggs, a carton of milk, a loaf of bread and went to the checkout. A man, who was standing in line right behind her, asked "Are you single? :)" Blushing, she replied, "Why, yes I am!" He said "I thought so.." She then asked, "But how did you know? Is it because of the things I bought?" He said, "No, it's because you're ugly."

:D

[sister herb]

^ That wasn´t nice joke. I think many women has to listen such rude comments in real life - too many times. And it hurts! To @*charisma* :hiding:

[*charisma*]

^ That wasn´t nice joke. I think many women has to listen such rude comments in real life - too many times. And it hurts! To @*charisma* :hiding:

Everyone has their own sense of humor I guess...mine is kinda twisted :p

Anyone who has the audacity to call someone else ugly is not all that beautiful themselves though.

- - - Updated - - -

Arabic joke: A man was professing his love to his wife. He said, "You're the most beautiful woman ever, I want to put my feet on your face!" Astonished, his wife asked him, "Why would you want to do that?!" With endearment in his eyes he replied, "So I could tell the whole world that I was standing on the moon. ;D

[happymuslim]

Guy: you know..your like.. the average female, nothings quite special about you, just like err one else

Girl: your mean!!

Guy: no you are..

(Like if u get)

[Cptn._.Mario]

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.


That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

- - - Updated - - -

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.

[jameelash]

Jokes r ok but please avoid jokes of ladies .it doesnt fit for a muslim and especially in islamic board which had been keeping its high standard for years

[Scimitar]

a man walks into a bar...






















...ouch!

- - - Updated - - -

What do you call an angry cross wielding Christian?





























A Crosstian

[syphax]

Do you know who are the nightmare of the US ?
Kazakhstan Chinese looking Muslims who speak Russian

[RisingLight]

How do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesnt matter what you call him.He isnt coming


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud

[Mustafa16]

A group of Turkish people are granted whatever they want by Allah.
The Armenian says "I want the Turks to recognize the Armenian genocide" and it was willed
The Gulenist says "I want universal human rights"
The Kurd says "I want my own people"
The Kemalist thinks for a moment and says, "I want a gang of nine men, 9 toy BB guns, a rope, and 3 helipcopters. The Gulenist says "why do you want that?"
The Kemalist says "I am Alparslan Turkes's long lost grandson. I want to launch a coup, now shut up or ill tell them you use Bylock"

[Cptn._.Mario]

ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

[syphax]

A good one

[Cptn._.Mario]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "
Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies,
and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question
and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family

[cinnamonrolls1]

How does a Muslim close the door? Islams it.

Hahahahah

[cinnamonrolls1]

Good jokes yall

[Cptn._.Mario]

A TOUCHING STORY...

a little girl was walking home from school. On her way she saw a dead cat beside the road.

The girl was curious anyway, and she decided to poke the cat with a stick to see if the cat would respond.

Seeing no response after poking, she now touched the cut with her hand.

The cat didn't respond, she touched it again, again and again.

As I said earlier, it's a touching story

[Grandad]

An art dealer walks into Dai’s antique shop in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch.

On looking around he spots a human skull on one of the shelves.

‘Who’s that?’, he asks.

‘That’, says Dai, proudly. ‘That is the skull of Owain Glyndŵr, the last – true – Prince of Wales.’

‘I’ll take it!’, says the dealer. And off he goes.

A year later, he’s back; and there, on that very same shelf is another – smaller – human skull.

‘And who’s that?’, he asks.

‘That’, says Dai, proudly. ‘That is the skull of Owain Glyndŵr, the last – true – Prince of Wales.’

‘But I bought his skull last year!’ protests the dealer.

‘Indeed you did’, says Dai. ‘But this is Owain when he was a boy.’

[DanEdge]

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Found at http://www.islamcan.com/islamic-jokes.shtml

:)

[Cptn._.Mario]

Lost Cat
________


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[rozyred]

An old woman came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, pray to Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) that I will enter Paradise." He said jokingly, "O Mother of So-and-so, no old women will enter Paradise." The old woman went away crying, so the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, "Tell her that she will not enter Paradise as an old woman, for Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) says: (We have created [their Companions] of special creation, and made them virgin-pure [and undefiled]) (Qur'an 56:35-36)." Reported by al-Tirmidhi, it is hasan because of the existence of corroborating reports.

[RisingLight]

There was an unsuitable joke here

[sister herb]

-------- edited ---------

[RisingLight]

That kind of (farting etc.) jokes may not be suitable to this forum...

^o)

Removed it ..... imsad

[Cptn._.Mario]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Tayiba]

A few child-friendly, funny jokes:

Can February march? No but april may

What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the shortcuts

Why did the maths book look so sad? It was full of unsolved problems

why was the computer sneezing? It had a virus

what do you call an ant that wont go away? Permanant

Lol !

[cinnamonrolls1]

A few child-friendly, funny jokes:

Can February march? No but april may

What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the shortcuts

Why did the maths book look so sad? It was full of unsolved problems

why was the computer sneezing? It had a virus

what do you call an ant that wont go away? Permanant

Lol !

Ahahahaha, these were really funny sister

[azc]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

- - - Updated - - -

People Really Said These Things In Court
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-lawyer/cgp...hings-in-court

[Cptn._.Mario]

Guess who I saw today?























Everyone I looked at.






----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?




























































Where's my tractor?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the chicken say when it couldn't find it's egg?



















































































Chickens can't speak english, so "bok bok bok"

[Misbah-Abd]

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!"

~ Rodney Dangerfield

[magok]

two cannibals were walking in the desert

so they found a dead clown and started eating it

so one of them turned to other and said: does this taste funny to you ?

\drums

[eesa the kiwi]

two cannibals were walking in the desert

so they found a dead clown and started eating it

so one of them turned to other and said: does this taste funny to you ?

\drums

Jokes in bad taste don't you think


Lolz

[emem.masorong]

two cannibals were walking in the desert

so they found a dead clown and started eating it

so one of them turned to other and said: does this taste funny to you ?

\drums

It made me laugh good. Just a little. Shaitan wants us to laugh loudly. Allah loves our smiles.

[muslimah002]

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle a glue?

• You can "tuna" (tune a) piano, but you can't tuna fish!

What about the glue?

• I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

[Eric H]

Panic buying before lockdown. I saw a man with a trolley load of oysters in Tesco - so Shellfish.

A man walks into the bank and stands on one leg.
The cashier asks, what are you doing?
Checking my balance.

A man fishing on his boat in the middle of a lake wanted a smoke, but had no lighter.
He threw a cigarette in the lake and made his boat a cigarette lighter.

[eesa the kiwi]

What's brown and sticky?



A stick

[SintoDinto]

For real, in real life recently, i called my uncle in turkey and he texted me on whatsapp saying, "we're at the repair, call back later," so in order to confuse him I wrote "Putin is my mother!" in turkish.

[Abz2000]

One that works

Room full of people making jokes.

little nephew walks in


"SAY STRAWBERRY"


CHORUS: "strawberry"

"YOUR BOARBERRY!!!"

... gets the loudest laughs in the room.

[anayaxabir]

Bacon and eggs walk into a restaurant
The host says "We don't serve breakfast here"