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View Full Version : Salam everyone. I'm new and really need some advice.



Pinky
10-27-2017, 02:55 PM
I'm a british pakistani muslim, 33 year old female. I'm not married and the only one of my older sisters to not be or have been. I'm the youngest of us. For a LONG time now, had strong feelings of depression I am still at home with parents. My older sister has stepped into the DARK side of life in a non muslim way and is very difficult to talk to and understand. My parents have really suffered because of her behaviour in the past and are still doing so now. My issue is that my mom has developed trust issues and doesn't let me meet old friends e.g from college who she's not met, but I'm old enough obviously to take that decision. Another thing I was thinking about, is it haram to want to move out of HOME to try and make an independent life for myself? I'm so stressed about my future everyday. I'm stuck in one place and I'll never have a life. I earn my own money I never ask my parents for any. I also have health issues, and also am not considered to marry anyone either.
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Supernova
10-27-2017, 03:13 PM
Originally Posted by Pinky
I'm a british pakistani muslim, 33 year old female. I'm not married and the only one of my older sisters to not be or have been. I'm the youngest of us. For a LONG time now, had strong feelings of depression I am still at home with parents. My older sister has stepped into the DARK side of life in a non muslim way and is very difficult to talk to and understand. My parents have really suffered because of her behaviour in the past and are still doing so now. My issue is that my mom has developed trust issues and doesn't let me meet old friends e.g from college who she's not met, but I'm old enough obviously to take that decision. Another thing I was thinking about, is it haram to want to move out of HOME to try and make an independent life for myself? I'm so stressed about my future everyday. I'm stuck in one place and I'll never have a life. I earn my own money I never ask my parents for any. I also have health issues, and also am not considered to marry anyone either.
Asalaamualaykum Pinky -

It is rather unfortunate that due to your sister going astray that your parents have lost trust in you. It is rather a transfer or misplacement of trust. I completely understand that feel locked down as a reaction to your parents restrictions. I'm sure you will understand, yet not agree, that their paranoia will now extend to others in the family. As wrong as this is, Do you think that you have something in common with your sister that leads them to this or do you think that's a just a knee jerk reaction on their behalf ?

How do you feel about addressing your parents directly and attempting to solidify a trust in you by pointing out that your sister and yourself are two different people?

On Shariah terms - I would advice against moving out on your own.

Think about it.
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Pinky
10-27-2017, 03:47 PM
Also, my mom constantly says I'm doing something bad behind her back like I'm seeing someone or I because when I use my phone. It's not true and there's no proof. Just because I want to stand up for myself and I want to go and have a life she think someone is influencing me! I'm so tired of living this way. Why is the only way I could be seen as independent is by getting married??! Why? Sure I do understand if that seems weird. But truthfully, I have a heart problem from birth, and I look very young also because of how my body appears. I wish I looked like a normal adult but I can't can I! My mom throws that in my face. When I used to wear makeup according to my mom I am seeing someone! What a life I have ☹ I hope Allah will see me trying to please my parents as a good thing, but there is also the quote "Allah helps those who help themselves '. Well I can't even do that.

- - - Updated - - -

And I have not done a thing to make my mum think of me this way. I never ran away, never smoke, drink , steal, talk to guys. Nothing like this. I admit I am rude if there are arguments. I know that. But my parents never compromise anything. It's their way, or otherwise mum doesn't talk to me. Nothing ever really gets resolved with my parents.
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Supernova
10-27-2017, 05:15 PM
Originally Posted by Pinky
Also, my mom constantly says I'm doing something bad behind her back like I'm seeing someone or I because when I use my phone. It's not true and there's no proof. Just because I want to stand up for myself and I want to go and have a life she think someone is influencing me! I'm so tired of living this way. Why is the only way I could be seen as independent is by getting married??! Why? Sure I do understand if that seems weird. But truthfully, I have a heart problem from birth, and I look very young also because of how my body appears. I wish I looked like a normal adult but I can't can I! My mom throws that in my face. When I used to wear makeup according to my mom I am seeing someone! What a life I have ☹ I hope Allah will see me trying to please my parents as a good thing, but there is also the quote "Allah helps those who help themselves '. Well I can't even do that.

- - - Updated - - -

And I have not done a thing to make my mum think of me this way. I never ran away, never smoke, drink , steal, talk to guys. Nothing like this. I admit I am rude if there are arguments. I know that. But my parents never compromise anything. It's their way, or otherwise mum doesn't talk to me. Nothing ever really gets resolved with my parents.
I don't know what else to say - I have many Pakistani friends and to be honest, I don't comment much as they all seem to have funny messed up family politics with some real strange ways. Even the UK born British Pakistani can't understand their own principles and values, so I know where you coming from. I really feel sorry for you. Trust me my friends have much worse issues - Not in a insulting tone - but have you increased your Salaah and dua - I am sure you have but I am just asking.

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*charisma*
10-27-2017, 07:04 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

I understand how you feel. The fact of the matter is that you have to remain with your parents until you do get married or have someone else (mahram) to live with you. Islamically, there's really no exceptions to that. I think your mom is overprotective and is clearly affected by how your sisters behavior is. Instead of rebelling against her to have your way, you should work with her. SHe needs that support and she needs to feel trust from you. Even though you haven't done anything wrong, she's a mother and will feel that any sense of distancing yourself from her will be some sort of rebellion or outside influence. You can absolutely make a life for yourself and be independent while living with your parents. I know you may feel stressed out or have pressure put on you, but you need to learn to adapt to that. If you really want to learn how to deal with problems in the real world, you start by solving the ones you have at home. You need to earn your family's trust and support.

I don't know about your medical issue and how you perceive yourself, but unless you want to get married, I don't personally feel like there's anything wrong with the way you look. My cousin just recently got married and she's really tiny and looks like a kid herself. She makes fun of herself for it because she knows it's not of the norm. The thing is, just be happy with how you are. Life's too short to worry about who will accept us. Whatever is destined for us will come no matter what.
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Pinky
10-27-2017, 08:32 PM
I do read my Salaah. I try my best to be a good person and to my family. Sure, we get angry time to time. Sometimes it even gets out of hand. I am a real emotional person and recently I feel my depression and anxiety getting worse. I can't go with friends or talk to them about anything because they literally all moved on with marriage and kids. I don't want to bother them with my troubles. We message now and then. I lost alot of confidence too. I can't really face them. I've nothing to show for. I am lucky in the sense I have done many courses and got many certificates for myself. So I have been out doing things for myself. I also I currently volunteer few days a week. Other than that I feel like I can't achieve anything else or have the courage as a person. And thankyou Charisma for tell

informing me that in Islam I have to stay with parents unless I marry. I wasn't totally sure. If anyone else too has information about this please let me know. I just feel that at this age my life is nowhere really and its a bit embarrassing when I have to tell people I still live with my parents. My mother is so difficult to deal with sometimes and I'm very stressed.
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*charisma*
10-27-2017, 08:42 PM
Originally Posted by Pinky
I do read my Salaah. I try my best to be a good person and to my family. Sure, we get angry time to time. Sometimes it even gets out of hand. I am a real emotional person and recently I feel my depression and anxiety getting worse. I can't go with friends or talk to them about anything because they literally all moved on with marriage and kids. I don't want to bother them with my troubles. We message now and then. I lost alot of confidence too. I can't really face them. I've nothing to show for. I am lucky in the sense I have done many courses and got many certificates for myself. So I have been out doing things for myself. I also I currently volunteer few days a week. Other than that I feel like I can't achieve anything else or have the courage as a person. And thankyou Charisma for tell

informing me that in Islam I have to stay with parents unless I marry. I wasn't totally sure. If anyone else too has information about this please let me know. I just feel that at this age my life is nowhere really and its a bit embarrassing when I have to tell people I still live with my parents. My mother is so difficult to deal with sometimes and I'm very stressed.
Trust me i know exactly how you feel sis. Just be patient inshallah and allah will open doors for you. We acheive allahs pleasure when we are kind and patient with our parents so that is why im trying to get you to understamd their point of view as well. Involve them more with your decisions. I know moms and daughters can be quite hostile to eachother, but you are at an age where you should both ne more like sisters. You both need to open up to eachother.

Mashallah you should feel happy and proud with your achievements even if you have not yet reached your goals. But also dont forget your afterlife while you are trying to chase this fleeting world. May allah grant you sucess in this world and hereafter ameen.
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Pinky
10-31-2017, 01:26 PM
I can't believe this it's a joke. My older sister has actually printed me out a load of sheets about depression and how volunteering helps....number 1 - I do volunteer and I have been there for over 2 years and she KNOWS this! Number 2 the reason I am in this state of not being able to do normal things like see friends is because of her in the first place. If she didn't ruin her own life my mom might actually trust more and I'd probably have a life by now. I know this isn't a genuine concern for her because she constantly treats me and my parents like rubbish. She is beyond help. I'm not the one who needs it, I just need to be trusted, and that won't happen because my mum unfortunately can't even compromise.
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*charisma*
10-31-2017, 05:09 PM
Originally Posted by Pinky
I can't believe this it's a joke. My older sister has actually printed me out a load of sheets about depression and how volunteering helps....number 1 - I do volunteer and I have been there for over 2 years and she KNOWS this! Number 2 the reason I am in this state of not being able to do normal things like see friends is because of her in the first place. If she didn't ruin her own life my mom might actually trust more and I'd probably have a life by now. I know this isn't a genuine concern for her because she constantly treats me and my parents like rubbish. She is beyond help. I'm not the one who needs it, I just need to be trusted, and that won't happen because my mum unfortunately can't even compromise.
Why not try some sort of family counseling? See if any of your local mosques provide this. I think it can be quite helpful to have a mediator.
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Pinky
10-31-2017, 06:36 PM
It's no use, this family have a habit of arguing with each other and then never solving any issues with each other. My parents thinking is not as modern or foreward I guess. And I don't want to put more stress on them.
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