Hi there. My name is Emem. Emem Masorong or Muhammad Edris M. Masorong III. I am from the Philippines. I just reverted back to Islam on the 30th of October. I feel good and awesome. But before that, I was thinking of suicide all the time since September and even before that, I had suicide attempts like eating cigarette butts and still long sticks thrown on the bin, meds, almost jumped from the 12th floor, almost took the guard's gun while sleeping to shoot myself, almost stabbed myself with a knife. At the back of my mind, screams of "You will go to hell if you do!" were always there. I lost faith back then because when I knew that there were no children in hell, and that there would be no ghost to come back to earth as these two stated in our holy book, but I have these ghosts that I already shared here with my past account(can't login and can't find the lost password button), that these ghosts(they are 6 kids(mostly two girls I named Sophia and Anna(but it's Sophia the most almost all my thoughts she tells) only Anna( they are both 3 year old or 5 year olds somewhere near those age) and 1 adult(I guess)) tell everybody here what's inside my mind. I'm not even sure if it's heard all over the world. Imagine that! How can you think with that well? They say it non-stop. They are like attached to every thought of my brain and they can't stop saying it. Get it? Until now, since 2013 I guess. They just popped out of nowhere one day.
Now I have to admit that I did bad things before like praying to God that I be Jesus Christ, to save my friends and relatives from hell. To be the savior. I think I had Grandiose Delusion or some kind of God complex. Think of Satan. He was the highest ranking angel before, right? He prayed like no other but then he became arrogant of his deeds and became opposing of God's will. I think I had it like that, but I didn't realize it for a long time. I even thought I was Allah himself. I'm 24 right now and I think that happened when I was 18, 19, or 20 something. I was a kind person, but I smoked. Ever since I was a kid, I was kind like I was the only one cleaning the house mostly everyday as I come home from school when I was grade 2 only. I was honest. Sometimes brutally. The list goes on and on...
Stay patient with me though. This is a long intro. Forgive me. I am right now accepting and happy to know that it is Allah who is free from error and is perfect, and that I am only human and it is inevitable for me to make mistakes. I must accept.
I just read a few days ago that even Christians and Non-Muslims can still go to heaven if they don't know anything from Islam. They are exempted from the fire. I wish I knew this earlier. But I never read that on the Quran I read. I thought I had read it all. But maybe it was just a lie... Some form of ego that I always had in mind that I read it whole even if I only read a lot from it. I don't know... It's just in my head always that those who do not pray this and that, do not believe in Allah(swt) when they die, are unbelievers and all, will go to hell. That's what's in my brain and so I thought the ones I love, my friends and relatives, needs to be saved.
I shouted to my father and mother back then, while they were fighting in their room, that I would be the most powerful of all!!! It was still in my mind from time to time, and I even became paralyzed after a few days near sem break or sem break(panic attacks) and stayed in bed for 1 year and 3 months. I can't explain it. But it was hell. After a long time, and not taking it anymore sometimes, I would sneek out and use the computer and masturbate on a video. I think I was also finding ways to cure myself. Hm... One night, my mother saw me, but I just went back to bed. My mother couldn't take it anymore too one day, that he was pleading that I go back to life, that I move, that I start to live again. Sad part is... They too, two of them, mom and dad, have the same condition as mine!!! Imagine that! Hell!!! Always worrying day and night what the hell is happening to my life... To them... To nothing... I went back to life after her plead. She was angry. I forgot to tell that I didn't defacate nor pissed for long periods of time, because I was showing them all that I am feeling so much fear to move or do anything, and I would just like to die and stay in bed. I was afraid too to die that's why I stayed in bed only. Wasting time, and like a nothing. I would sneek when there's nobody around and I can't take all the poo inside of me. I remember I did not pee in my shorts or anything. Man! How did I pee? I forgot. Who knows? Only Allah. Nothing else saved my life that time except Allah. Except praying to him consistently. After quite some time, my parents recovered like a miracle too. It was all like a miracle.
When I got to school, I still thought I was Jesus Christ, and I am still a kid version of him. A young one. But I was in college. I didn't got a dorm that I wanted, because the school near it told me I was late to enroll. I thought it was my mother's fault, because she said that I will go to a nearer school in our hometown. The former was kinda far. I just agreed. So it's my fault. All my life I love to blame... To play the victim... But now... I read a lot of books while stuck at home... About success and how to become rich, happy, and that, successful.
There is another hell. I am limp now and with other disabilities such as can't control my defecation and peeing. I even have this eye that when I close opens by itself naturally that I find it hard to sleep faster at night. Urgh! But good thing... I cut a black colored clothe, and put two holes on each side, and took a wire(it's the only rope near me and can find but it's okay), and already measured in my head, so I can wrap it up on my head later. Wee! Wanna know why I became limp? I jumped on the 3rd floor balcony feet first on clean tile. I thought it was just low because they view says. And at the back of my mind, there is just a memory that we jumped from same floors and we were okay. Unfortunately, I forgot to bend the knee right before you hit the ground, which I remember you must do. Cause I thought it was just too low! I was also high on Marijuana and just prayed. I was just reading a while ago about it and Allah's ruling of that drug. It says it's like alcohol. 40 days your prayer will not be accepted. But you can repent, and Allah is most forgiving he will accept it. There is only limit. I think on third use of it again, you will be subjected to drink from the sweats of people in hell.
Remember. Until now... I have these ghosts non-stop talking(it's like a whisper to the ear. They are somewhere in midair talking endlessly), telling everybody my thoughts. I sometimes feel... Is this a curse? Satan's curse, right? He curses us to insanity? Well, I can say, that I still have my mind! And I will enter Jannah later on, and this will all end in my death. A pure death that is! A death of old age. Not a death from my own hands. No more...
I stated La ilaha Illa Allah 100 times, and Subhannallah, Bismillah, Alhamdullilah, Allahukabar(all 100 times). But I just read that even without Bismillah, they are some of the best words for Allah(swt) already. I felt so alive and protected by Allah
. I remembered that Islam is the true happiness. I felt that I was invisible from the torment of Satan. I felt the ghosts don't exist at all. Even now, with me doing this, and always thinking of Allah, has made me strong and I seem to not mind the ghosts or hear them!
This is a real story my friends! No bluff. I am honest here. Why would I even write this long? Believe me, please!
But! Why did I lose faith back then? It is because knowing that there are no children in hell, and that ghosts will not come back to earth, as written, that I start to lose faith and think maybe Christianity or another religion is the true one. I wanted to commit suicide because I cannot take anymore the notion that someone is telling everybody what's inside my mind! You? What would you do? But it is only me, I hope. No one will taste this pain anymore. No one. Only me in this life time. I really hope no one else will experience it. Maybe there's others experiencing it. But why me? That's it. Is it because I prayed that I be Jesus Christ? What if Jesus became angry because he is the real God? What if? What if? What if!?
But I pondered. I searched for answers. Christianity, some say, allows suicide, and you will still enter heaven even if you do it. "WHAT IS THE REAL RELIGION!?" If that was a ruling there, and if it were the true religion, then God is also saying, "Commit suicide if you feel like it, and cannot continue life anymore my creations..." Right? And Christianity just seems to be absurd.
That's it. I am cursed by Satan. I know it! He must've got hold of these ghosts or jinns and binded them on my mind. I feel pity for them... What if they are tormented too? What if they are forced to speak what's inside my mind endlessly? I just hope it's just magic and none is hurt. What if they're demons? Why me? I was the only one praying of all siblings when nobody was. Why me? Maybe I really became confused as to whether I am God. That I just did it without thinking of it well. But I really pitied the ones who will go to hell without knowing anything. But as I have read, they too, will go to heaven. Wished I read that earlier. My God... Don't worry too much about me. God is with me. I made a saying in my panic attack experience which is, "God is the reason why" so I will not forget that he is everything that is the cause of anything and everything.
I even thought I was the one who did this to earth. Look at these faces everywhere. My name in school is Sin. I know it sounds, "so what?" But why am I the only one(i hope) that is being done like this by these ghosts? Why me? Is there a reason behind it?
This is a test. Woo! Wait... I hope, if it is heard all over the world, that you forgive me for the noise...
Thank you so much for reading my intro even if it's long. God Bless you.
Allahuakbar!
PS. I prayed at the hospital that I don't want to be the most powerful anymore(MAGIGI AKONG PINAKA MALAKAS!!! - In Filipino). God is that. I became limp because I want to outdo David Belle, the one doing Parkour or free-running(jumping on buildings, back tumbling on walls like a ninja, etc.). I even thought of jumping from the 12th floor first, and thought I wouldn't be harmed an inch. Wew. But I first started on the 3rd floor for instinctual fear.