Completely lost... psychological+marriage wishes

[Patude]

As salamu alaikum dear brothers and sisters. My story is very long but ill try to keep it short. I am sorry for writing mistakes and so on as I was born in Germany and my english is not very good and also not bad i think

I was alhamdulillah praying since i got 15 yrs old and also reading a lot about my religion and now i am studying theology in turkey. And since i am 13 i had problems with masturbation i just couldnt leave it. I dont think i am addicted because i do it once all two weeks or every week one time. When i fall in that sin I often watched porn also but it is not like i am addicted to it. Since i am 13 i fight against it trying different methods a lot of dhikrs, sometimes fasting and every time i did it I repented within my heart and now i always have a feeling of guilt and when i do the sin i hate myself and when i make tawbah i think that i dont fulfil the conditions so that Allah hates me also. In the same time i have very high goals because i read books like mukhtasar of Ihya ulum ad din and i wnt me having 100% khushu in salah and eating just a little bit according to sunnah and all such goals in life whereby i am not doing those things; that are just examples I want to tell you that i am expectinga lot of things from myself and hating me when i cant fullfil it. That part to my person. lets switch now to the real problem

3 years ago, when I got 18 yrs old I thought a little bit about my life and thought that the time for getting a wife got near. So it got to the point that I wanted to write a message to a girl who i thought could be my future wife and ma sha Allah she still seems to be a righteous muslimah. When i thouht writing her, and i was in my bed thinking what to write, i got a pain in my heart a extreme nervousity and then i writed her a message thinking that those feelings will be gone and that my "love" for her was causing these feelings in my heart. After a time we met and spoke about our future and so on and i didnt talk with my parents rather I wanted to do it myself because I thought my parents dont understand me. So after we met it got clear that I will have to wait three years and there i was really shocked. Acutally the reason i want to get married was to end my battle with masturbation and not to sin and to have a partner who is sharing my pain and is motivatin me and so on. So ther i stand having in my mind this big nummber 3 years= about 1000 days.... After that i talked with her father after salatul isha and he told me wait still you finish your school, yani 3 yrs.

This time was the point where my heart got very"heavy" and sad; often i entered the bathroom and cried and i had the keys for our mosque so i went in a room where no one was seeing me and i was cryng and pleeding Allah to help me and to shorten the time and so on. Still all this began I have a pressure in my breast, still three years,EVERY DAY and it is not stopping, sometiems it gets weaker and sometimes hard. It influenced my whole life and it was a really hard burden to finish my school but finaly I did. It makes me more intolerable and i get angry easily but not to a level that it influences my relationship with my frieds very much, i still can keep my self under controle. For a long time i had sleep disorders and wihtin some days i lost really much of my weight so that every one noticed that and I had hairloss. My parents just said dont stress yourself too much.

Until now i went to a psycharitist in germany but he wanted me to do masturbation so i left and in the same time i had to work and feared that he would lead me to harams. After two months past i went to turkey and finished my arabic year and اتكلم العربية الأن و أستطيع أن أعبر عما في نفسي و أقرا و كذا بفضل الله تعالى :) (not important) and the first half year of the first class is ending in two weeks.

I waited for a long time for that girl but it didnt work out because i had to wait for her in germany after my school and she had one year of school left and my mum wanted me to study without waiting and i spoke with a scholar wo advised me to keep knowledge about everything. When i finished my arabic year i spoke to another girl in my class but than she told me that she is older than me 3years or so so it didnt work. Two months ago i asked another person who wanted me but her family didnt allow cause they said they send her for studying not for marrying. So after my contact broked with the girl in Germany i asked some persones and always wanted tomarry but there is a problem. Every time i want to find a spouse i am getting a severe headache and cant do anything. when is asked the two girls in turkey it wasnt thaaaat strong but it was terrible and now i just cant do anything its getting to hard until i burry the idea of gettingmarried. But even if i do it, espacially than i dont want anything more than marrying from within may heart but i am ignoring it when i want to live without the idea of getting married. And i found out that masturbation is freeing me completely from this pressure in my heart so there has to be a connection between my "psychological" problem and my sexual life that i not really have. Within this 3 yaers i fell in major sins but i always repented and prayed my five prayers and made dhikr and so on.

So now i thingk that marriage is actually a method of solving the pressure but when i wannt to search a spouse i get this headache. And even if i dont want to marry and so on the pressure is every day with me. I dont know what to do. I tried a lot of theories, believing that i have a depression i did what those persons have to do to heal it within my possibilities and sometimes i thought i have panic attacs, another time i thought i have a jinn, and once i said it is just waswasah and soo on. Nothing is working.


Do you know any persons with the same destiny?

Thank you a lot wa jazakumullahu khayran

i didnt mention all of my symptomps and problems cause i wanted to keep it short.

[iServant]

Salams brother,

First I want clear a misconception about marriage and its ability to stop one watching pornography and masturbation. Let me assure you, marriage alone does not quench one's appetite for these. Watching Pornography causes biological triggers, it's a form of addiction that doesn't disappear simply because you have a new outlet like a spouse. I encourage you to treat this addiction first, Wael Ibrahim has some great material on this.

Secondly, your anxiety is self inflicted. You're so caught up in getting married that you've become fixated on that goal alone. I know it's hard, but you seem like you have faith in Allah so let me point something out. Your naseeb is written down and will not change, so why stress about it? It will likely happen when you least expect it.

My advice is, live your life. Try to better yourself each day. Remind yourself that this life is temporary. Remind yourself that every day is just another step closer to Jannah if you perform well. Take it one day at a time, don't worry what may come tomorrow, it's all in Allah SWTs hands.

Lastly, we all slip up. When you do, make Tawbah, believe Allah will accept it and move on. Don't dwell on your mistakes, no good can come of that and it is one of the tools of Shaytan.

May Allah SWT make it easy on you. If you need to chat, get things of your chest or simply vent about your day, I'm happy to lend an ear.

[Patude]

Jazakallahu khayran Brother
i will watch the videos of the Brother you mentioned in sha Allah... Thank you, youre right i try also to trust Allah more in marriage issues and so on...

[air]

:sl:

This is jihad, brother.

You must discipline yourself, brother. Try fasting of Dawud. And don't each too much (I don't mean eat less, just don't over eat).

Porn is addiction brother, not even marriage will help you if you just don't stop watching porn. You know what, some married people still watching porn.

For now, try to avoid imagining women, do some activity maybe archery to deplete your stamina but not too tired, and you should not alone for a long time in a day (even in the bathroom/WC) the presence of someone will help you prevent doing a sin when your eeman weakened (Allah watching you!), eat health food and avoid food that boosts your libido.

While waiting for 3 years, do you have income yet? if not, start thinking of how you get income, you can share your pain in this forum.

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[Patude]

Akhi can one leave masturbation without fasting? I tried fasting mondays and thursday i think for half an year but i think it did not really help, what is your opinion?

:sl:

This is jihad, brother.

You must discipline yourself, brother. Try fasting of Dawud. And don't each too much (I don't mean eat less, just don't over eat).

Porn is addiction brother, not even marriage will help you if you just don't stop watching porn. You know what, some married people still watching porn.

For now, try to avoid imagining women, do some activity maybe archery to deplete your stamina but not too tired, and you should not alone for a long time in a day (even in the bathroom/WC) the presence of someone will help you prevent doing a sin when your eeman weakened (Allah watching you!), eat health food and avoid food that boosts your libido.

While waiting for 3 years, do you have income yet? if not, start thinking of how you get income, you can share your pain in this forum.

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

Increase your good deeds and focus on the good deeds.

Insha Allah the desire of bad will be reduced.

[Zeal]

@Patude

We should rely upon Allah alone to solve our problems not a spouse and Allah is sufficient for the believers so work on your relationship with him work on gaining beneficial knowledge that you can put into practise, attain khushoo, surround yourself constantly around a righteous gathering.

Aim to be among those he loves and constantly ask for that

[air]

:sl:

Akhi can one leave masturbation without fasting? I tried fasting mondays and thursday i think for half an year but i think it did not really help, what is your opinion?

The one who ordered fasting for unmarried people was the prophet Muhammad PBUH himself (Bukhari and Muslim), you should fasting, and fasting is not just about holding your sexual desires, or prevent you to eat because you hunger, if you fasting just for that, then I doubt that you fasting correctly.

Akhi can one leave masturbation without fasting? if you mean self-sex of course you can, just stop doing it, who's preventing you to stop? it's yourself.

But why leave fasting? (caution I think shaytan is tricking you, if you count correctly you only fasting for 60 days, not even thousands or hundreds of days, and it just twice a week, in a state of self-discipline, they come to you and whisper that you should give up, fasting is not working)

Even though you are married, fasting is still sunnah, improve your fasting quality.

Did you do it on Mondays and Thursday?
- If no, then it mean it did prevent you even a bit. Now the question is why you don't do it on these days and for what reason? why can't you leave it on the other days? and can't you improve it gradually?

- If yes, can you stop it just for these days? and then improve it gradually?

You should give up watching porn and doing self-sex, but don't give up on fasting.

What about the girl that you wanted to married, but you need to graduated? have you graduated yet? Married is not just about sexual, what have you prepared for your spouse later?