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manzoorathar
01-15-2018, 06:10 AM
Asslaam o alaikum, i am 26 and an engineer working in a company as a tool and machine designer, i feel like i have fallen in love for the first time in my life with someone but she is a med student and my family know her family, but the problem is my family fixed my marriage with some old friend of theirs, in the beginning i had a hard time to break it to my family so kept silent which they considered as an acceptance. I had been very religious Alhamdulillah so i never approached the girl i love, just thinking about religion and my father's reputation in the society. Alhamdulillah up to this time and inshaAllah in future I have and will never do anything haram just concentrated on gaining knowledge and worked hard in the field i wanted to build a carrier in. When i broke it to my father it was a little too late and i am being pressurised by my family specially my parents, in the whole of this drama i found my sisters on my side. I am confused and kind of frustrated. I prayed a lot so that god may also be on my side. Every one is saying in India we cannot break marriage after engagement (which my family did without informing a ---- to me) i learnt about engagement after when i returned to home. I cannot speak to anyone so i am writing it here. I want some workable advice from some smart people in social life. I might be good with machines but when it comes to people i have a super hard time saying no to anyone. May be that is why i do not use facebook or whats app or any social site. I simply have like to live alone and talk to myself about the problems but this is the first time i am having deal with humans about my problem and i feel helpless for the first time in my life and i have even cried even for the first time maybe and that too even in front of my sisters.
Not speaking is a freaking problem and i am finding myself in a tornado i hope will escape some how InshaAllah.
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azc
01-15-2018, 08:30 AM
Let your parents be known (directly or indirectly) to what you want before it's too late.
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cinnamonrolls1
01-15-2018, 10:49 PM
Tell your parents first, show them why this girl would make a good spouse, then get the girls walis number, and speak to him etc
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*charisma*
01-16-2018, 10:20 AM
Assalamu Alaikum,

Originally Posted by manzoorathar
I want some workable advice from some smart people in social life. I might be good with machines but when it comes to people i have a super hard time saying no to anyone.
My father told me that if you're too shy to do what you want, you will always have missed opportunities. You can't live your life not being able to say what's on your mind. The very first thing you have to think about is culture vs. Islam. Which is more important to you? What about your family?

A "pre-arranged engagement" without your knowledge has no basis in Islam. You do not have any obligation to marry anyone that you don't want to marry. You don't really even need your family's permission to get married because you are your own man. It's always nice to have their blessings and acceptance though, so you should talk to them and try to convince them your side. If you can get them to agree that this "engagement" is null and void from an Islamic perspective, then your first step is accomplished. You don't have to be disrespectful or mean to your parents. Remain kind and try to explain to them that you are not interested in the girl they arranged for you. Maybe you can compromise. Have you given the girl a chance to see if she is even compatible? If not, maybe you should? That way you can really say that you are not interested in her.

Now in regards to the girl you wish to marry, you'll have to do it the traditional way which is to ask for her hand from her father. You have to realize though that this doesn't mean that the girl or her father will accept you, so don't get your hopes up. You say you're "in love" but you should avoid thinking that or fantasizing about it because you don't know her and you don't know whether or not you will end up together. Pray istikhara anyways and make du'a and inshallah things go well. If they don't go as planned, that's OK because Allah has better plans for you. You should be strong in your reliance in Allah always no matter what the outcome is!
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Reminder
01-16-2018, 11:44 AM
In the same boat bro.
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A786
01-17-2018, 03:58 AM
Dear Brother, Subhanallah Islam does not forbid love, but only IF it is correctly and piously implied. This correct way is to let it be known to your parents no matter what their reaction might be. Break it down to them politely and request them to think about the marriage. This is something that should be done with their acceptance and blessings. Ask Allah for help and perform Istakhara as well. Allah will guide you to the truth insh'Allah.
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manzoorathar
01-19-2018, 07:56 PM
AssalamoAlaikum brother, yes i love her but it has nothing to do with fantasizing, i simply love her and wish her to be a the most essential part of my life. Jazakallah Khair for the advice. i have talked to my Father he said okay but he himself is in a societal pressure so he cannot say no to his friend. as per his statement this "so-called engagement has been advertised so much so that it would be really disgraceful for my father and promote animosity between old friends and even the girl in your mind is also aware of that".
you asked whether i met the girl or not, yes i did meet her but everyone was sitting around (her and my family members) and i was having trouble talking to a girl in this respect for the first time, still i managed to ask a few things and offered her to ask whatever she wants. the meeting was brief and lasted only for 10 minutes in a mall.
logically speaking i cannot decide just looking at someone's face and to her better they should have given time to me to say yes or no quickly.
at the end of the meeting they offered a lot of money to me and father (as first instalment of dowry), I was refusing but they forced and I found it awkward to make a scene in a public place. which made me upset and I was just thinking how to return it let alone thinking about saying yes or no.
this little information I received just as a freaking custom:facepalm: for my parents to talk to me through out my life and say things like "in our time we didn't even meet each other before marriage you should be thankful" took me a long time to process and come a to particular conclusion like about 2-3 months by that time I moved to my work place and was thinking to tell my parents about my decision. when I went back home they showed photographs of engagement and before I could speak anything my mother said "thankfully its fixed now" which made me silent again as I was concerned about her emotional situation after knowing my decision.

now my father is saying just pray for them to say no from their own side. and that is what I am doing. I am having a hard time thinking clearly what or what not to do.
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