Borderline personality disorder issues

[nk1997]

Assalamualaikum.. I really need advice on how to cope with my mental health and Islam. I’ve recently been diagnosed with BPD and in the months before that I’ve been self harming, depressed or in a sort of mania where I make bad decisions. It has been really hard to hold onto my faith with all this, I pray whenever I can manage to (which is really only every few days when all my guilt catches up with me). I was admitted to hospital last week, after which I decided to not wear my hijab for a while because I was more comfortable without it. Now I’m feeling horrible about that and have put it back on, but who’s to say I won’t take it off again? My mood is so erratic, everything that connected me to my faith just feels like a memory now, I can’t even really remember how I prayed before... some days I can’t go outside without hijab and other days I can’t go outside with hijab. Not only my own heart is getting confused, but my family and friends are starting to question my intentions and judge me.
I think my main problem with my salah and all my other fardh as a muslimah is that whenever I do them I feel like I’m lying to myself and Allah swt. I feel like it’s just an act and every time I make dua for my better health I feel like I am almost sinning because I harm myself then ask for health, it’s like I’m trying to work agains Allah, Astagfirullah.
Have you ever been in a similar situation with BPD or another issue? What did you do? How do you cope with all the mood swings? I feel like if my BPD won’t kill me then all the guilt from lacking in my faith will...

[azc]

May Allah swt cure and grant you perfect health. Ameen

[ameerkam]

Hey, I don't know if I can really help you but I have BPD as well depression. I understand what you're going through and I want to tell you that you're not alone. I've had serious suicidal tendencies as well as self harming and I've been having a lot of struggles with my faith too. Also, I was recently discharged from hospital. I can't really give you any sound advice apart from that to really try and have faith in Allah (I should really be saying this to myself) and this is a really long road ahead but this isn't forever, okay?
I know I'm just kind of telling you what you know but I hope you feel less alone in this battle, and it is definitely a battle. Many others like your family won't understand this because it's a mental illness and not a physical one. If you had a broken leg and had trouble walking, they probably wouldn't be judgemental to that, right? Try and explain that to them if you can and maybe they can understand more about it than they do already.
About the guilt, I totally understand the guilt. At times I feel like the worst person that is alive and I just want to stop existing. Poor self image is a pretty prominent symptom in BPD.
Also, I would suggest trying to get Dialectical behaviour therapy if you haven't already.
And definitely research a lot about your illness as it would help you there.
I wish you all the best with your battle, sister. In Sha Allah you will find clarity and happiness. Please try and get therapy for this.

[SHO]

(Just deleting my own post because Now I changed my mind and regret posting it as I feel insecure about what I said.)

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[mayhutbuiquangn]

Reason: Editing because I don't find the button

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