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Sister HH
05-17-2018, 12:25 PM
Assalaamualaikum

I am a second wife to my husband, his other wife doesn't know about our marriage. He promised initially to leave her in 3 months as for all the years that they are married there hasn't been any happiness. Because I know the couple and used to see the unpleasantness between them. We made nikaah and I am still a secret.
He says I should believe in Allah n mayb one-day we can be together. He says we never know what tomorrow holds. I love him so much but am so scared of loosing him.
Before we would spend so much time together and now we are hardly together. Also when he goes home switches his phone off n then we can only speak the next day. It hurts so much. He says he loves me, but now I'm not sure if he does.
He helps me financially and wants me to study, but I can't concentrate on my studies.
He also wants us yo have a child, but I'm scared that if he abandon us what will happen.
He sometimes says I should move on and then changes his mind. I really love him and don't want to loose him.
But I also don't want to loose myself.
He doesn't want his wife to find out about us n says he is waiting for her yo leave him.
Please advise me on what to do.
They always fighting. But these days we also argue alot. He says our personalities have exchanged, she is gone kind and I am gone ugly. There is a big age gap between us. I want the old him that had do much respect n care.
Please advise me.
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Nashita
05-17-2018, 01:39 PM
Firstly, there's nothing called as "love before wedding" in Islam . If you like a guy and want to marry him, you should first let your parents know about this before letting the person know.
He shouldn't have married you without letting his first wife know about this. It's haram in Islam for a guy to marry another woman if his first wife doesn't give any permission. And to be honest, what you're talking about is not love, it's lust . You just want him, right? In true love, one never loses the path to righteousness. You shouldn't have married him in the first place. You should give him a divorce and move on in life , find the truth , discover Islam and walk in the path of righteousness.
Before loving someone else, learn to love the Almighty , yourself, your parents. Love is not about making the person yours or just getting married. A beautiful relationship requires many commitments, trust,honesty and not just the idea of being together.
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azc
05-17-2018, 02:54 PM
Originally Posted by Nashita
Firstly, there's nothing called as "love before wedding" in Islam . If you like a guy and want to marry him, you should first let your parents know about this before letting the person know.
He shouldn't have married you without letting his first wife know about this. It's haram in Islam for a guy to marry another woman if his first wife doesn't give any permission. (???) And to be honest, what you're talking about is not love, it's lust . You just want him, right? In true love, one never loses the path to righteousness. You shouldn't have married him in the first place. You should give him a divorce and move on in life , find the truth , discover Islam and walk in the path of righteousness.
Before loving someone else, learn to love the Almighty , yourself, your parents. Love is not about making the person yours or just getting married. A beautiful relationship requires many commitments, trust,honesty and not just the idea of being together.
it is not necessary for the husband to seek permission from the first wife for his second marriage to be considered valid and correct. However, it is preferable to consult her regarding the issue to avoid upsetting her
http://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa-birmingham/19701
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Nashita
05-17-2018, 03:04 PM
Originally Posted by azc
it is not necessary for the husband to seek permission from the first wife for his second marriage to be considered valid and correct. However, it is preferable to consult her regarding the issue to avoid upsetting her
http://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa-birmingham/19701
I am an 18 year old girl, not married so I ain't sure about this . But if it is so then it's unfair for women, without her permission how can the husband remarry? Don't you think it's unfair?
And in those days, there were more guys as compared to girls so men were allowed to marry more than one so as to protect the girl from evils as the state of women at that time was very bad.
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Imamah Ali
05-17-2018, 03:18 PM
Originally Posted by azc
it is not necessary for the husband to seek permission from the first wife for his second marriage to be considered valid and correct. However, it is preferable to consult her regarding the issue to avoid upsetting her
http://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa-birmingham/19701
Yes it is necessary to seek permission from first wife.

First wife’s consent for second marriage - IslamQA
First wife’s consent for second marriage In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful. Answer The issue that one man could have more than one wife was something that was considered permissible by all religions of the world even before the advent of Islam.- This custom prevailed in Arabia, India, Iran,...
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azc
05-17-2018, 03:23 PM
Originally Posted by Sister HH
Assalaamualaikum

I am a second wife to my husband, his other wife doesn't know about our marriage. He promised initially to leave her in 3 months as for all the years that they are married there hasn't been any happiness. Because I know the couple and used to see the unpleasantness between them. We made nikaah and I am still a secret.
He says I should believe in Allah n mayb one-day we can be together. He says we never know what tomorrow holds. I love him so much but am so scared of loosing him.
Before we would spend so much time together and now we are hardly together. Also when he goes home switches his phone off n then we can only speak the next day. It hurts so much. He says he loves me, but now I'm not sure if he does.
He helps me financially and wants me to study, but I can't concentrate on my studies.
He also wants us yo have a child, but I'm scared that if he abandon us what will happen.
He sometimes says I should move on and then changes his mind. I really love him and don't want to loose him.
But I also don't want to loose myself.
He doesn't want his wife to find out about us n says he is waiting for her yo leave him.
Please advise me on what to do.
They always fighting. But these days we also argue alot. He says our personalities have exchanged, she is gone kind and I am gone ugly. There is a big age gap between us. I want the old him that had do much respect n care.
Please advise me.
:wa:

Talk to your parents. In this situation you need their suggestions and help.
Reply

azc
05-17-2018, 05:15 PM
Originally Posted by Imamah Ali
Yes it is necessary to seek permission from first wife.

First wife’s consent for second marriage - IslamQA
First wife’s consent for second marriage In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful. Answer The issue that one man could have more than one wife was something that was considered permissible by all religions of the world even before the advent of Islam.- This custom prevailed in Arabia, India, Iran,...
Necessary....?

If not asked then marriage is invalid...???
Reply

Imamah Ali
05-17-2018, 05:43 PM
Originally Posted by azc
Necessary....?

If not asked then marriage is invalid...???
Tell me, is it justified that a man can marry another women without asking his first wife ? No women in this world will be happy seeing her husband with another women unless there is some valid reason and the marriage is taken place with her consent. And no man is allowed to marry more than one women if he can't treat everyone with equal fairness(surah: Nisa, verse: 4) . Also in surah Nisa, verse 129, Allah says "you will never be able to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire to do so, but do not ignore one wife altogether, leaving her suspended (between marraige and divorce). Allah is just and wise and give equal rights to men and women. Marraige is not a game, it's the most pious relation in this world which has to be dealt with love, understanding and mutual consensus.
Reply

azc
05-17-2018, 05:58 PM
Originally Posted by Imamah Ali
Tell me, is it justified that a man can marry another women without asking his first wife ? No women in this world will be happy seeing her husband with another women unless there is some valid reason and the marriage is taken place with her consent. And no man is allowed to marry more than one women if he can't treat everyone with equal fairness(surah: Nisa, verse: 4) . Also in surah Nisa, verse 129, Allah says "you will never be able to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire to do so, but do not ignore one wife altogether, leaving her suspended (between marraige and divorce). Allah is just and wise and give equal rights to men and women. Marraige is not a game, it's the most pious relation in this world which has to be dealt with love, understanding and mutual consensus.
Actually my reply was to refute it being haram (if not asked) as written in #2.

From this angle, I agree with you
Reply

Imamah Ali
05-17-2018, 05:59 PM
Ohkk.
Reply

ChosenTCO
05-17-2018, 06:01 PM
First off, you should have taken notice of some of the major red flags in your relationship with him (and you should have taken action against them)
Major Red Flags:
  1. Not telling his first wife about you/Wanting to keep u a secret
  2. He says one day you could be together when you believe in Allah
  3. He doesnt talk to you on the phone at night or whatever.
  4. He is suggesting you two should separate and you should go your own way (thats a major major red flag)


All of these things should indicate to you that he is not taking you seriously and is probably just playing with you. I know that he helps you financially and i do understand how strongly that indicates that he loves you but the truth is, he probably doesnt because if he does then he probably wont be able to keep you a secret from anyone for that long. Chances are he is doing that just because he enjoys being with u for a night or 2. A true lover would never be able to do such a thing to his wife even if she is his second one. He says that you have become worse, and thats probably because he things your becoming too clingy. But in truth, your asking him to fulfill his promise that he told you before (which is leaving his first wife) and he still didnt do it. Chances are he wont leave her and he wont tell her about you any time soon either ... but i could be wrong.

My advice would be to have a serious discussion with him during his free time and talk to him about your concerns and be completely transparent with him. Tell him what your worried about and tell him how you feel and ask him what he plans to do with you and his first wife, if he is going to fulfill his promise. If he doesnt offer a solution that your happy with or if he is planning to brake his promise then just walk away from him and dont ever see him again because a man who brakes a promise is not a real man and you would probably be better off without him. If he offers a solution and doesnt do it after a month, then threaten him to disclose your secret with his first wife (but dont do it face to face, either do it in public area or over the phone because he might get mad and hit you). If that doesnt work and he doesnt heed your warning then, i guess there isnt anything to do but to either put him on the spot or again walk away from this useless relationship.

Besides, why would you even want to be with a man who has betrayed his first wife? i mean what makes you think that he wont do something like that to you even if you get together in the future? If you dont have children with this man then i think the best thing you should do is to leave this man and dont ever look back. Take the halal way and meet a pious man that would honor and respect you for as long as you shall live. Pray a lot for Allah to bless you with a pious man. Insh Allah you will meet and marry someone who is 100 times more pious than this man.

I just want to stress on the fact that i could be wrong and the man may be in a bad situation that he cannot disclose such a thing to his first wife anytime soon. So you should try to do your on investigation about this and see if he has a genuine reason to keep breaking his promise.

And Allah knows best
Reply

Aisha
05-17-2018, 06:07 PM
Originally Posted by Sister HH
Assalaamualaikum

I am a second wife to my husband, his other wife doesn't know about our marriage. He promised initially to leave her in 3 months as for all the years that they are married there hasn't been any happiness. Because I know the couple and used to see the unpleasantness between them. We made nikaah and I am still a secret.
He says I should believe in Allah n mayb one-day we can be together. He says we never know what tomorrow holds. I love him so much but am so scared of loosing him.
Before we would spend so much time together and now we are hardly together. Also when he goes home switches his phone off n then we can only speak the next day. It hurts so much. He says he loves me, but now I'm not sure if he does.
He helps me financially and wants me to study, but I can't concentrate on my studies.
He also wants us yo have a child, but I'm scared that if he abandon us what will happen.
He sometimes says I should move on and then changes his mind. I really love him and don't want to loose him.
But I also don't want to loose myself.
He doesn't want his wife to find out about us n says he is waiting for her yo leave him.
Please advise me on what to do.
They always fighting. But these days we also argue alot. He says our personalities have exchanged, she is gone kind and I am gone ugly. There is a big age gap between us. I want the old him that had do much respect n care.
Please advise me.
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

This man is using you. He has no intention of living with you. He’s disrespecting you by keeping you a secret - nikah is not something which should be kept secret in Islam. His narcissistic traits are starting to show - read up on narcissistic behaviour and you’ll see that all the signs are there. The 'old him' was an act to lure you in. He no longer needs to play that part as he knows how you feel.
It takes two to create an argument. You’re not getting the full story here. I guarantee that if you spoke to his wife, she’d have a very different view of him than the one he’s portrayed to you.

Granted, you could have both made better choices but you’re in control of what you do next. Firstly, ask Allah for forgiveness for the wrong you may have committed before Nikah. And then get away from him while you can. There are major red flags here. Speak to an Imam in your locality and seek advice. I know you’re probably reading this and thinking that you can’t do it but please pray to Allah and ask for His help. This will only get worse. I’ve known and spoken to women in your position and not once did they attain happiness. The man never left his first wife for them. You’re not alone in this.

We’re blessed to be witnessing Ramadhan. Please make the most of this month and make sincere Dua after every Salah.
Talk to Allah as you would talk to your best friend. Allah knows how you feel. Ask Allah to grant you inner peace and contentment.

You deserve so much better than this. Your worth as a Muslim woman is so much more than how he’s treating you. Allah has honoured you and granted you many rights. This marriage isn’t a fulfilment of those rights. He’s simply using you.

As an aside, where did the Nikah take place? Was it at a Masjid? Were there witnesses?

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by Sister HH
Assalaamualaikum

I am a second wife to my husband, his other wife doesn't know about our marriage. He promised initially to leave her in 3 months as for all the years that they are married there hasn't been any happiness. Because I know the couple and used to see the unpleasantness between them. We made nikaah and I am still a secret.
He says I should believe in Allah n mayb one-day we can be together. He says we never know what tomorrow holds. I love him so much but am so scared of loosing him.
Before we would spend so much time together and now we are hardly together. Also when he goes home switches his phone off n then we can only speak the next day. It hurts so much. He says he loves me, but now I'm not sure if he does.
He helps me financially and wants me to study, but I can't concentrate on my studies.
He also wants us yo have a child, but I'm scared that if he abandon us what will happen.
He sometimes says I should move on and then changes his mind. I really love him and don't want to loose him.
But I also don't want to loose myself.
He doesn't want his wife to find out about us n says he is waiting for her yo leave him.
Please advise me on what to do.
They always fighting. But these days we also argue alot. He says our personalities have exchanged, she is gone kind and I am gone ugly. There is a big age gap between us. I want the old him that had do much respect n care.
Please advise me.
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

This man is using you. He has no intention of living with you. He’s disrespecting you by keeping you a secret - nikah is not something which should be kept secret in Islam. His narcissistic traits are starting to show - read up on narcissistic behaviour and you’ll see that all the signs are there. The 'old him' was an act to lure you in. He no longer needs to play that part as he knows how you feel.
It takes two to create an argument. You’re not getting the full story here. I guarantee that if you spoke to his wife, she’d have a very different view of him than the one he’s portrayed to you.

Granted, you could have both made better choices but you’re in control of what you do next. Firstly, ask Allah for forgiveness for the wrong you may have committed before Nikah. And then get away from him while you can. There are major red flags here. Speak to an Imam in your locality and seek advice. I know you’re probably reading this and thinking that you can’t do it but please pray to Allah and ask for His help. This will only get worse. I’ve known and spoken to women in your position and not once did they attain happiness. The man never left his first wife for them. You’re not alone in this.

We’re blessed to be witnessing Ramadhan. Please make the most of this month and make sincere Dua after every Salah.
Talk to Allah as you would talk to your best friend. Allah knows how you feel. Ask Allah to grant you inner peace and contentment.

You deserve so much better than this. Your worth as a Muslim woman is so much more than how he’s treating you. Allah has honoured you and granted you many rights. This marriage isn’t a fulfilment of those rights. He’s simply using you.

As an aside, where did the Nikah take place? Was it at a Masjid? Were there witnesses?
Reply

Futuwwa
05-17-2018, 10:06 PM
If he is capable of deceiving his first wife by not letting her know about you, he is capable of deceiving you. Even if he means what he says, he would rather manipulate his first wife towards a particular outcome (her initiating their divorce) than be honest and upfront with her. If he's capable of doing that to her, he's capable of doing that to you. He says we never know what tomorrow holds? Wrong. He can't choose what happens to him, but he can choose how to act on it. Has he made any kind of demonstration in action of his sincerity? Doesn't sound so.

I would advise you to leave him. Also, tell the first wife everything.
Reply

Abz2000
05-17-2018, 11:30 PM
Winking whilst deceitfully leaning on the shoulders of two women????? Maybe ask him if he'll take u to pilgrimage, would he tell you he needs to take the first wife without telling her that you're deceitfully shadowing behind, and would you wink whilst dragging behind in such a setting too? What a dark wink that would be.

Stop deceiving yourself and others and reclaim some of the self respect and dignity that Allah has given you by being truthful and also demanding truth from him.



Reply

xboxisdead
05-18-2018, 12:18 AM
Originally Posted by Abz2000
Winking whilst deceitfully leaning on the shoulders of two women????? Maybe ask him if he'll take u to pilgrimage, would he tell you he needs to take the first wife without telling her that you're deceitfully shadowing behind, and would you wink whilst dragging behind in such a setting too? What a dark wink that would be.

Stop deceiving yourself and others and reclaim some of the self respect and dignity that Allah has given you by being truthful and also demanding truth from him.




Allah Akbar!! It is happening to me!!! imsadimsadimsadimsadimsad :facepalm::facepalm: When I was a little boy I have always wanted to get married and have lots of children and was super happy to be a man as provider and protector and was picturing laughing with my wife and playing with my children and having a major role in raising the children and seeing the children come to me and asking me questions and I teach boys how to be men and playing with my sons and seeing them doing good to school and loving my daughters and protecting them and teaching her the gender role and be a spectacular muslimmah...I was picturing having my daughter wearing hijjab and being the best father to her...

this was me...these thoughts where happening to me at age 10..wallahi..I was thinking like that...at age 10 as I was playing outside I was thinking like that....but....


now....

thanks to feminism and how modern women act
....

I do not care! If dajjal shows up...I will save my skin and let the women on their own (I have no obligation to strange women...I have no other women in my life and family). I shave my beard but keep some hair facial at least to be different from the opposite sex and I have zero attraction to the opposite sex. ZERO!! Women does nothing for me. Literally does nothing for me and every time I am thinking of marrying one I picture feminism coming out of her mouth and her ruining my life and poisoning the children on me and then picturing how women do not need men..so I am off. Completely off from the women of this world.

Every time I look at a girl at the street I picture her to grow up to be a man, hating evil ..... no matter who I see. Feminism have killed the love of the opposite gender for me completely.

Funny in African community women looking like men are becoming rampant and strong! I swear in African community women are so masculine she is uglier than an African man. I notice African men are more feminized and beautiful then African women. Homosexuality will take over.
Reply

Zzz_
05-18-2018, 12:27 AM
Originally Posted by Futuwwa
I would advise you to leave him. Also, tell the first wife everything.
That is bad advice. How about you leave advising in Islamic marriage matters to the professional?

Originally Posted by Imamah Ali
Yes it is necessary to seek permission from first wife.
No, it is not. Women like to believe their permission is needed for polygamy. This is not their place nor right. Allah has already given men the right to marry and no where in Islam does it say he needs first's wife's permission.

The first wife’s consent is not a prerequisite for a man to take another wife. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows:
“It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

https://islamqa.info/en/452
Reply

Scimitar
05-18-2018, 12:57 AM
i'm willing to settle for just one wife!!!

Offers open,

Dowry to be negotiated ;)
Reply

Aisha
05-18-2018, 01:20 AM
Let’s stay on topic, people.
Reply

Abz2000
05-18-2018, 04:49 AM
Originally Posted by Aisha
Let’s stay on topic, people.
:jzk: for the reminder ukhti, it must feel awkward to be a woman and read it - just that the one being badly manipulated, deceived, spitefully used, cheated, doesn't just feel awkward, but is psychologically and emotionally abused, and wounded for life. the contrast from physical abuse is clear, ..........
........wa al fitnatu akbaru min al qatl.
Reply

Futuwwa
05-18-2018, 07:07 AM
Originally Posted by Zzz_
That is bad advice. How about you leave advising in Islamic marriage matters to the professional?
How about you take it up with the OP? She is the one who is soliciting advice on a public forum.
Reply

Zzz_
05-18-2018, 02:46 PM
Originally Posted by Futuwwa
How about you take it up with the OP? She is the one who is soliciting advice on a public forum.
Except your advice not practical not wise. You, or anyone of us, knows enough details to be giving life advice to her. We can say how what the guy is doing is wrong and how it should be and what her options may be. Much like how Choosen and Aisha has done. While its easy to give the advice like yours, you do not know how it could negative affect all parties. For an actual advice on this matter, more information is needed and an imam, elderly wise people of community or islamic marriage counselor needs to get involved.
Reply

anatolian
05-18-2018, 02:49 PM
Dont do anything which you wouldnt want to be done to you. Thats the never lasting golden rule of ethics taught by all Prophets.
Reply

MiracleSurvivor
05-26-2018, 06:20 PM
He is n9t being honest. If he married you in secret, and you already has a wife. It means that he is not very honest to his first wife and he’s going to do the same to you. since he married you in secret he doesn’t care about enough to let it out in the open. Go ask a sheikh about this.
Reply

Sister HH
05-27-2018, 06:55 AM
Jazakallah to one and all for the advice.
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