Conversations and eating with husband

[anonymous]

Assalamu Alaykum

I'm a single sister of marriageable age, but the thought of marriage causes me so much stress and nervousness. I have extremely low self worth and self esteem. This is partly due to emotional abuse from my dad over the years.

My relationship with him is very weak and poor, as a result of the abuse. It’s very difficult to fix, almost impossible as it’s severely damaged, beyond repair. Just to clarify, I try my best to respect and obey him, but other than that, there is no relationship. It affected me considerably. He never has conversations with me. The put downs have worn me down over the years.

Now, when I think of marriage I feel very anxious because I feel like I’m incapable of having conversations with my husband. I don’t know what to say or speak about. Especially during the times we eat together. I can picture myself being silent during meals because I have nothing to talk about. I have a hard time initiating conversation.

Also, when I had meetings with potentials before, I never initiated any conversation and the meeting was very awkward. I had to leave half way through because I had nothing to say.

I don’t know how to fix this. Going counselling is not an option. What should I do?

[Zzz_]

wa'alaikum as'salaam,

I would take xbox's advice with a lump sum of salt. It is not that grim and dim nor helpless. your concerns are valid and it's good that you are already thinking about them. All this means is that you will have to do a little more work then other girls of your age before you get ready for marriage.

Do you have any male siblings or cousins, uncles, relatives, etc? you can build your communication skills and confidence talking to them. Ask them to help you in this regard and have sit downs with them, talking about various topics and see how they answer questions and how they ask questions and what questions they ask to get an idea of the initiation, continuation and flow of the conversation.

Another I thing i would suggest trying volunteering at your masjid or some local volunteer base community group where you can slowly build your confidence and communication skills.

Lastly, inshallah try to find a guy who is on the deen, kind and soft heart-ed. Then open up to him like you did here about your situation and ask for his help. Most kinds won't take an advantage but want to be saviors and helpers so they will try to help you rather then make it awkward. It was awkward for you in the meetings because the person wasn't aware of your situation, otherwise i would have understood your silence and would have taken the initiation and guided the conversation to how it would normally go.