format_quote Originally Posted by
ameerkam
Salaam.
My parents separated when I was twelve and in the years that ensued, my mother would take advantage of the visitation times and I would only see my father once every fortnight as well as make up stories about him and such. My father would also make up stories about my mother in court and there were a number of evil deeds between the two of them. My father would get angry at me for not telling my mother that she was doing wrong as I didn’t want any part of my parents squabbles and I was scared of talking to my mother about these things because when I did in the past (and sometimes when I didn’t) my mother would shout and yell at me, telling me that I was an awful son and my father would do the same, because of my inaction. Over time, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and depression (I have been diagnosed with both) and my psychologist says that my parents divorce was the main reason for this and that my inaction wasn’t my fault.
Then, I came across this (Hadith or Quran verse, I’ve forgotten) that says you have to act when you see an evil and not acting and just hating it in your heart is the weakest of faith. Does this mean that all this time I was doing haraam? Or I was of weak faith, and my father was right to yell at me and my mental health issues are in part, my fault? Please respond as I am very depressed because of this and I am contemplating suicide as it is a symptom of my mental illness/personality disorder.
Jazzakallahu Khair.
:wasalamext:
Know that Allah does not place a burden on a person more than what that person can bear. Know also that when Allah inflicts trials, difficulties, misfortunes, etc on a person it is actually a blessing in disguise. All trials and hardships build you to a stronger, intelligent and more resilient person. Allah wishes well for you and you should make dua to him as much as you can and ask him to ease your affairs and give you the strength to bear your hardships with patience.
Allah says in the Qur'an that for every one hardship that you bear with patience for His sake, He will reward you with multiple ease. The ease may not come at a time that you wish but don't lose hope. When one goes to the gym and works out, it's recommended to push through the pain/burn because it means your muscles are getting stronger. These trials inshaa'Allah will give you the strength in your heart that will aid you in this life and the next, even if life seems grim right now. Know that Allah loves you and wants what's good for you so have patience for His sake and trust in His plan because He is the Mighty and Overwhelming.
Divorce is difficult to bear for everyone. It's very hard on the husband and wife because they're essentially cutting off from someone whom they had pinned their hopes and dreams to and it's not easy letting go. Usually people carry the baggage of hurt and pain for many years without ever addressing it and all it does is bring more pain and misery. Divorce is an act that brings much grief to all parties involved and unfortunately the ones to suffer the most are children. Parents usually get so caught up in bickering and disputes of their former relationship and partner that they overlook how their behaviour impacts their children. You probably feel like a sandwich, like there's a tug-of-war between you and your parents and you're probably asked to take sides.
I understand how you feel: you don't want to hear your parents bicker, argue and criticise. You don't want to hear one parent verbally assaulting the other, and you especially don't want to be the one to pass the messages.
I would like to say this: whilst I don't know what happened between your parents, know that both your parents love you dearly and they want what's best for you even though it's hard to see it through their criticism. Whatever happened to their relationship isn't your fault and you are not responsible for their divorce, nor are you responsible for patching them up or passing criticisms between them. Your are their heart and soul and unfortunately they're so caught up in giving you want they think you want, they might unintentionally overlook what you actually need from them.
I don't know if any of what I'm saying is the right advice but I would suggest talking to your parents. Speak to your psychologist about talking to your parents and telling them how you really feel. Don't be ashamed of crying in front of them if that's how you feel but communicate with them and let them know how you feel. I'm sure inshaa'Allah they'll take it into consideration even if they don't act upon your wishes immediately.
I recommend reading the Qur'an. Spend 15-20 minutes reciting any parts of the Qur'an especially those bits you understand and inshaa'Allah you will experience tranquility and guidance in your heart.
May Allah ease your affairs and grant you patience to deal with these difficult circumstances in a way that will raise you in rank in His eyes.