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View Full Version : Heartbroken- Are we accountable for hurting others?

09-07-2018, 12:37 PM
Salaam everyone,

There was a Muslim-sister I liked. She liked me back too. She was very friendly in the beginning. I asked her if I should visit her at work. She seemed ecstatic at the answer. I visited-her at work and she seemed happy to see me. Afterward, she said, "We should hang out more often." I asked her for lunch, and she agreed. It seems when I asked her, she believed it was a romantic thing, I was surprised but went along with it because she was very attractive and nice at the beginning.

We started dating and she was getting upset that I was putting a lot of time into my studies. I apologized and told her my classmates needed my help because I had the highest grade and I was busy helping them. (I was also a tutor at university). I promised to see her when I get time. I asked her in the second week of dating if this was serious or was she just playing around? This was my first and I didn’t want to get my heart broken. She said no, she was serious and said "What is the point of dating someone if you end up leaving them. I don’t-play with people's feelings" I thought she was just flirting and told her that and she got upset and told me to go home and think about it. I went home and then thought that the girl must be really mature and sweet, therefore I went back and told her I would love nothing more than a serious relationship. She said that was very thoughtful of me and sweet. I only got scared because she was talking about marriage on the second week and it was going so fast, I needed to catch my breath but then I agreed and said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

The girl was behaving very erratically. She would swear and smoke hookah. I do not do any of these things. She was receiving F grades on her exams. But it was making me lose attraction for her. But I was so afraid to break her heart and the consequences that I then forced myself to fall in love again but focusing on her positive qualities.

I would then try to see her but then her behavior started changing. She started blowing me off and giving me less time. I asked her numerous times if everything was okay between us. And she said she was busy and everything was fine. We went on our last date, I’m still worried, as she is not texting me as used to. Her sister got engaged and she said she would invite me but she never did. I didn’t-even bring it up. But it seemed everything I did offend her. I couldn’t-take photos of her like I used to. I couldn’t-hold her hand or hug. The only time I kissed her on the cheek and she got annoyed-and said we have to keep it halal. She said she was okay with hugs and hands as she hugs her guy friends all the time and it made me more insecure. It made me more insecure when she said she received-proposals in the past. I said alright whatever makes you happy. I never argued with her and was always honest with her. I again asked her if everything was alright and she said: "yes, and if anything you do bothers me, I will let you know."

After I was done with my exams, I texted her and said "how are you? Can I see you?" She asked if I was done with exams and then over text she dumped me over text. I was so shocked and surprised. I asked why and why is she leaving me? She said "at times you are very cocky and deflating at times and we aren’t a match. But you are a sweet guy. I didn’t kiss you because I did not like you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to take it slow.” That is a lie because she is the one who was rushing so fast. A few days later I’m-upset and confused. I text her that I canceled my plans to go to Chicago-because I was planning to hang with you. She said "I never told you to do that. Plus you would cheat on me with your ex. Not that I do not trust you." I told her there was a girl I dated in Chicago, but in reality I never had a gf. I didn’t want her to think of me as a loser. Only reason I told her I had an ex was because I felt insecure and she was talking about her guys being cute and whatnot. I was her first and she was mine. I’m shocked she accuses me of cheating and she said that "our relationship-wasn't even that long. Don’t get so worked up about it. Chill dude." It was long for me because it was a whole semester. I texted her every night. I told about her to my mother. I was hoping to see her so I could tell her I love her. But she refused to see me and then called me obsessive and said i was freaking her out. When in reality it was only that time i texted her that day to give me a chance to change. She said change for yourself. And in all caps said I DONT LIKE YOU. Then she said move on. She was so cold and it just hurt me. After all that she said we can still stay friends.

All winter break, I didn’t text her once as she called me crazy and hurt me. I see her at school and her waves but I don’t wave back. On social media, I try to put pictures of me being happy hoping she would come back but she gets angry and deletes me off it. I text her and apologize her for not waving back as I was trying to give her space. She doesn't reply. A week later I call her and she texts back “What do you want it's late? I apologize that I didn't say hi back and was upset and missed talking to her. And asked her if I could just talk to her on campus for 5 minutes. She says "No." I then texted if we could still be friends and she doesn't even reply. 2 months go by and I catch her after class trying to talk to her. I touch her hair by accident because I missed her and she got upset. She later texted me saying “do not touch my hair. None of my friends do that. You are no exception.” 2 more months go by and I try saying hi back and she doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I then wrote her a letter and had my friend deliver it to her telling her I was sorry, I loved her and it was inappropriate of me to keep pursuing her and she deserves better than me. She never responded back to me. And in fact, now it seems she intentionally avoids me even further. At times she makes it so obvious like she intentionally trying to hurt me and stating that I am insignificant to her. I never even got closure and she didn’t even talk to me about what happened. I still do not know what happened.

While this was going on, her friends were harassing me and telling my friends, my ex-deserved better. They made fun of me so much that I can't go to the library to study and had to quit my job because they worked there and would openly taunt me. They would call me names and then told me they were glad I quit my job. Even my ex told my friends that I was harassing her and texting her all the time and She wants me to drop it. She said it was a mistake telling I’m I want to be friends with him after I dumped him. In reality I only texted her the times mentioned above and the interval between them were months.

Please tell me what I did wrong? I was honest with her throughout and only time I lied to her was when I told her I had an ex. I never did and was upset because she had all these proposals coming and it made me feel so small. I lost feelings for her but fell back in love with her because I couldn’t break her heart. Is it alright to leave someone if you do not like them when you made such promises to them? When you make them feel special and take that away from them. Before I had no idea relationships were haram. I know now but I still want to know, does Allah punish those who lie and lead people on? I mean I told about her to my mother. I wanted to marry this girl. I know I have done wrong but it would honestly help me sleep at night knowing that she too will be held accountable for the nights I cried myself to sleep. The times I stayed inside all the time and didn’t eat all day. Please tell me there is justice.

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09-07-2018, 12:49 PM
Say laa ilaaha illa Allah and contemplate on its meaning - then contemplate on the meaning of al faatihah - the confusion will disappear.

09-07-2018, 10:48 PM
I am sorry brother but that is not helpful. I was asking for genuine advice tailored specifically to my problem.

09-08-2018, 10:30 PM
Man I was really hoping people would answer this thread and give some sort of advice? This is really disappointing.

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