advice for potential spouse and marriage

[redeagle]

Hello all, salaams, new member, just wanted some advice.

I'm a young muslim male, I've been talking to this girl for marriage for the past few months. Set up through a mutual friend. Everything's been going well but she recently told me about some stuff in her past that has made me pause and think.

So a little about myself, I am not the best muslim but I've tried real hard in my life to not have any premarital stuff with any females, no alcohol, and I try to pray regularly. I'm not the past and I have flaws but I'm pretty moderate. I've always wanted a spouse who is similar, especially in regards to no history of boyfriends and no history of alcohol.

So I really like this girl, but she told me recently that in the past, she did used to drink alcohol for a short while, and has been in two long term physical relationships. I was caught off guard because from what I was told before I decided to talk to her was that she was a very good muslim. She's told me that those experiences changed her for the better and she has stopped all that nonsense already. She is practicing now, and she prays daily, reads Quran, etc. I do believe that she has changed.

The dilemma is, it just made me really disappointed that she did all that stuff in the past, especially with having boyfriends, and drinking alcohol. She was young and in college and had bad influences around her. I know it's not my place to judge her, that's between her and Allah. I should be a better person and look past it, and I think I am willing to do that. Normally I would just end it, but I do like this girl, and I think it can work. I just hate the fact that she's already had a history with other guys and also has drank alcohol. I've had opportunities to do the same but I've always resisted.

I'm not going to end it with her because that wouldn't be right, and I am willing to overlook her past. It just didn't sit right with me when I first heard it. Maybe I'm just venting. Anyways, hope to get any kind of feedback, thanks!

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

The dilemma is, it just made me really disappointed that she did all that stuff in the past, especially with having boyfriends, and drinking alcohol. She was young and in college and had bad influences around her. I know it's not my place to judge her, that's between her and Allah. I should be a better person and look past it, and I think I am willing to do that. Normally I would just end it, but I do like this girl, and I think it can work. I just hate the fact that she's already had a history with other guys and also has drank alcohol. I've had opportunities to do the same but I've always resisted.

I'm not going to end it with her because that wouldn't be right, and I am willing to overlook her past. It just didn't sit right with me when I first heard it. Maybe I'm just venting. Anyways, hope to get any kind of feedback, thanks!

A lot of your decision is going to depend on whether or not you can live with knowing these things about her. For example, if in the future you get married and she does something wrong, is your mind going to remind you of what she used to do? Will you throw it in her face? Will you judge her future mistakes due to her past mistakes? etc. That will completely destroy your relationship. There are some bros who have come on the forum with the same sort of issue, they marry the girl, but then they can't get over her past. I think this is because once she is yours you really don't ever want to imagine that another man so freely experienced her the way you will. Also with her it sounds like she let those two relationships live through their course. It wasn't like she was in a relationship and ended it because of guilt and remorse, and being in college, she really was not that young. I know you're trying to excuse her sins, and that's fine if you feel she has some great qualities that overlook her past, but you also have to be smart about it and investigate the person you will be marrying, like is she still susceptible to being influenced by others? does she still hang around those people? what are her restrictions when it comes to talking and being around the opposite gender if any? etc. Certain mistakes, even if one is regretful, cannot be undone either. They have a lasting effect on one's life and future experiences that they otherwise would not have had.

People do change and learn from their mistakes and sometimes those mistakes make us better people. However, I do think you should use your brain because this is a person you will potentially live with forever and if you hold the position of a wife to certain standards, then you should find someone who meets these standards because eventually that's what will be staring you in the face on a daily basis. Also, while the focus may just be on whether she is suitable as a wife, you also have to focus on how you'd be as a husband having her as a wife.

[Mandy]

I think you are the only one who knows how you feel about this. However, if you are constantly thinking about what she did in the past, it is not a good sign. Many people have things in their past that they are not proud of or regret doing. But specially when we regret something, we do not want to be reminded of it. So you have to decide if this is something you can lean to completely ignore. Otherwise, it will always cause problem in your relationship.

There is also a question of her opinion of all this. She trusted you enough to reveal all of this to you, so I guess it really depends on how she told you about it. Was it in confidence because she wanted to you know of her mistake or was it in a casual way and she did not believe those things really mattered? Since this is obviously of matter to you, she has to understand that you do not consider her actions lightly.