How can I tell whether I have committed an act of disbelief or protected from it?

[Nitro Zeus]

Short story

Case 1:

Last weekend when my Christian mother was so pissed, she saw me staying on telephone, and she came to me being angry and she pulled the phone from my hands and she destroyed completely to the point where there is no way to repair it, that's how angry she ways. And then, I became very angry because of situation, that I felt the need of committing suicide, because they were fighting my mother vs my grandmother, and I could not take anymore their verbal combats, I simply want a break from all problems, and I didn't know how so, I was thinking of auto terminating for good, but when I was about to do this, I felt like someone was whispering to the point where my mind is changed rationally before I commit that major sin, and so my mind was changed rationally. And I went in my room, and I started to scream like a desperate person and I even started to say as a form of insult: "why everything has to work unnormal??? Why life has to be incorrect??". And I felt like needing to insult God very bad, but either like this I didn't had the courage to do, I just felt the need, but I did not do according my feelings.

Case 2:

I asked my Christian grandmother a opinion whether I should be a Romanian anti terrorist agent, or not. And she asked me, "why", 'do you like terrorism stuff?". And I replayed her like this, "no, but I want to report back to headquarters every terrorism activity so that we can launch a surprise assault on that terrorist group and to arrest them, because I want to stop ISIS and throw them in jail for life time as a capital punishment for committing a large number of lie, murdering and act of injust, because someone has to punish those -------s, right? Because, they only bring corrupton, they are mischievers, they are devils soldiers, because a true Muslim is not like ISIS, and ISIS are false Muslims,, are liers". This what I said to her, and she asked me, "what do you like the most: Muslims or Christian Orthodox people?" and I said to her, "Muslims", and she asked me, "and do you dislike Orthodox Christians?" and I answered her like this, "Muslims are nice people, but anyone can be. It doesn't have to be Muslims or whoever it is", and she insisted with the same question, I said to her, "I rather not answer to this one, because it makes me feel rasist", and she told me that I don't have to be shy that nobody is gonna eat my head, and I told her like this: "I don't want to reveal the truth because, I don't want to give you a bad impression or thought about me".

Here is the hidden truth of mine:

I like Muslims because, because they are an example for me, and because it means total submission to God and because getting to Heaven is the only way of being a Muslim, that's the only way of getting to Heaven and because, Islam is the only true religion of humanity.

The reason I don't want to reveal anything about Islam and keep it hidden, is because others might have bad thoughts about me and Islam and I trying to do this just in self defense, I only reveal the Truth to her when she truly wills to accept Islam, now its not the time. If I were to reveal it now, she might get herself into huge trouble in Purgatory because I did not know how to guide her to Islam to the point where she wills to accept it for good, and I would feel guilty for her bad situation.

Have I made a right decision?

She told me that she does not want to accept any other religion other than Christianity even if you would beat her she wont accept, then I should not reveal anything about Islam to her and keep it hidden from her until I see she truly wills to accept Islam? Because, my logic is, I only guide someone to Islam only if that person truly wills to know everything about Islam and even accept it without being forced, like my father did to me, I have accepted Isla willingly without being forced and because that's how my muscles wanted, and now Im trying my best to stick my ass into Islam in stubborn manner until my time is up. And that's my Christian mother s idea, she told me to keep my true faith for my self and leave others alone, and to let them seek Truth, because I do not know how to guide and my father told me to not guide anyone to Islam and live it to Islamic experts to do this because I might guide in a wrong manner without intention.

Sometimes, I commit an act of disbelief due to intens anger without intention, and later I have count to realize that I have committed an act of disbelief and I started to repent with hope of earning forgiveness. And sometimes, I commit an act of disbelief without realizing what I do and without intention and I still seek the forgiveness from God for doing this most heinous sin, each time I do this, I immediately turn to God without doubts. Is this a sign that I am a believer and I will die as a Muslim? Could this be a sign that Im protected from committing on purpose an act of disbelief for whole life? How can I tell whether Im protected from committing an act of disbelief or not? I honestly, don't know how to tell whether I am already protected or not.

And my Muslim father also told me that by not praying at all for whole life, it does not make you a disbeliever, unless you willingly exit Islam, then you have become a Muslim, but if you do not pray at all, then that's mean your very weak Muslim, but still Muslim you are. This what he told me, and I have found that also other scholars and Islamic sites are agree with my father based on the quotes from Quran. And he also told me: "if I want to join with him in prayer I am more than welcomed, if I don't want, then that's fine either, but still you are not a disbeliever!!!". This what he told me.

And also, my intention is not to bring the anger of God on me, because honestly I do not want to deal with His Anger, I only want to cause God be pleased with me and also to make Him Smile at me, that's my wish, but I don't know how to do.

There is a sunnah which says something like, those who do not perform charity has become a disbeliever. Honestly, I did not understood why is like this, what is the reason, I could not see the wisdom behind its decree for this. Sometimes I do, and sometimes not performing charity. There is a donation box in our locat market, and I donate only one coin. I wonder, does God appreciate this work of mine? Because, I perform charity rarely.

Hopefully I made myself crystal clear, and I hope that this thread does not contain any grammatical errors.

[Desert]

As salamu alaikum...

First thank your parents
Obey your mother even if she's christian...
Your mother...Is your mother she demands respect


Read online the book "don't be sad" pdf...google..search

Learn to change your life to enjoy it
Relax and be happy and say Shelbyville when Satan comes to you
To revile God...

God wants whats...good for you just always remember to pray to God whenever you feel sad or angry...

Ps..if I had a Christian mother i would love to serve her...

[Nitro Zeus]

As salamu alaikum...

First thank your parents
Obey your mother even if she's christian...
Your mother...Is your mother she demands respect


Read online the book "don't be sad" pdf...google..search

Learn to change your life to enjoy it
Relax and be happy and say Shelbyville when Satan comes to you
To revile God...

God wants whats...good for you just always remember to pray to God whenever you feel sad or angry...

Ps..if I had a Christian mother i would love to serve her...

So, are you saying that this thought that I might be a true believer or not, it has came from Satan? Can you bring a Quranic quote which says that God wants only good for you?