Difficult Mother in Law

[Anam12]

Asalamwalekum Brothers and Sisters,

I am new to this forum and really need some advice on dealing with the current situation I am in.

It’s been a year since I got married but I don’t stay with my husband as he is working in a different city and I am working in a different one (coz of some responsibilities at home). Alhamdulillah my husband is a very caring and loving person and has always made sure that he provides me the best of things.

Although me and my husband stay separately we do meet over the weekends. The problem is that every time I go live with my husband my mother in law seems to have a changed attitude towards her own son.

It all started the very next day of my Valima. My mother in law made some mean comments about my weight and my husband stood up for me and said he loves me the way I am. From that time onwards it seems like she has started hating me. If I come over the weekend to meet my husband she stops talking to him or frowns at him for no reason. I remember this one time when she got upset for getting her food from outside ( which she normally has no problem with) n started fighting with my husband and she once accused me of fighting with her son when in reality we were just talking. A month back our entire family was attending a wedding in another city and as it was a small village we couldn’t find many hotel rooms and had to adjust in one. I was sick then and I guess while sleeping rolled with the quilt which she later complained to my husband saying that coz of me she had to sleep without a quilt and was freezing. I apologised to her but her attitude was the same. I also feel that she hates it when my husband buys me gifts coz she never seems happy when my husband shows her what he has gifted me .

I have started hating my mother in law to the extent that I stopped visiting my husband and have asked him to come see me instead. I am worried that if I quit my job and move to my husbands city I will end up living with mother in law which i don’t think Is good for me. I have so much resentment that at times I complain about this to my mother which to me then feels like ghiba( back biting) . I don’t want to spoil my emaan coz of my husbands mother but at the same time I don’t think I can keep sabr if I live with her .

All this is just 2% of what she has done so far but I can’t really type everything here.

Please tell me what to do [emoji24][emoji24]

[azc]

:wa:

You should live with your husband.

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Assalaam

Well, from what you're saying it seems more that the issue is between your mother in law and her son, not necessarily between you and her. Does she have other sons?

Try something different by doing something very nice for her without your husband there, and talk to her and ask her if there is something wrong or how you can be a better daughter in law, maybe that will change her attitude towards you.

It seems to be difficult for you to open up, but the reality is that this is a woman who will be there for the rest of your life and you have to respect her as much as you respect your own mom and to tolerate her. It also seems your husband is aware of the issues and he is fair in his judgments and treatments towards you, so be very thankful of that.

[Pure Purple]

:wa:
Its very common for mother to feel insecure if she sees son giving more attention to wife or equal to wife. You should be first thankful that husband is fair with you supports you. All you need to do gain her confidence that husband is not ignoring her or giving importance to you only. Like you said your husband defended you when she commented on your weight. The way husband should deal with that matter is that he would have not answer back or defended you right at that moment in presence of mother and wife both.He would have talked to his mother in alone about this matter. This would have made her realize her mistake instead of feeling like he is giving more importance to wife. Regarding gifts etc you could have asked your husband to bring it for mother too. Slowly she will have confidence on her son and you too.

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[Desert]

Be as submissive and humble to your mother in law as you can
Always obey her help her with cooking
As Muslim woman we are required to please our husbands
Quit your job and move in with your husband..
Just my advice...

[Supernova]

Asalaamualaykum:

Its sad that you in the situation.

It amazes me that for Nikah each person is represented by their family - when the issues start the pendulum always swings one way too far and one partner gets the shorter end of the stick in representation.

Yes I agree that most situations needs to be sorted out between the couple but where family is concerned - I would suggest you get your family involved NOW !!!!

Because you married doesn't create a chasm for you representation as a wife by your family. Even in the time of Rasool SAW - Hz Umar and Abu Bakr (RA respectively) both represented their daughters (Ayesha RA and Hafsa RA) when situations arose between the wives and Rasool SAW. The same goes the other way around (gender-wise) Rasool SAW represented his adopted Son Zayd ibn Harith when he had marriage problems with Zaynab bint Jahsh.

If the situation gets too heavy for you to handle - then get your family involved.

WHEN CULTURE OVERCOMES DEEN - PROBLEMS ARISE OR PROBLEMS NEVER GET RESOLVED.

[Anam12]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice . I have tried everything under the sun to make her like me . Even when she accuses me of things I haven’t done I keep quiet or answer as politely as possible or just ignore her mean comments altogether but then I am a human too and sometimes it hurts when she purposely does something to spoil my image in front of my husband. As I had mentioned earlier about being sick while attending a wedding , i was feeling nauseous and had asked my mother in law to join others for dinner as the smell of the food was just making my nausea worse . She dint eat dinner with other family members and later complained to my husband that I refused to eat along with her and therefore she dint get to eat anything at the wedding. Thankfully my husband knew about my health and ignored what she said . As far as helping her with cooking is concerned I am not even allowed to make a cup of tea on my own as my mother in law is every particular about her kitchen. I tried helping her but she outright refused my help and doesn’t allow me to do anything in the kitchen ( can’t even wash a spoon). I once washed all the utensils when she was out visiting a relative n when she was back she washed them again like as if I am some kind of an unclean person. Also I remember when I came to my husbands home for the second time after wedding after a night long journey without any sleep and decided to take a nap , she asked me if I am this lazy even at my moms place . I just dint know what to say .

I feel when she looks at me or rather stares at me she feels disgusted by the way I look . She keeps talking about her daughter with a lot of pride as to how fair, slim and beautiful she is . I can tell you it’s done to make me feel how I am not the one she wanted . I am an average brown girl but I never felt so low about myself the way I feel now.

I have tried thing right from giving her gifts to trying to help her in kitchen to even inviting her to my moms place for all family gatherings but nothing seems to work . She is all nice in front of my family but it isn’t the same when i go there . When my husbands friends come over to our place with their families she talks to my husband’s friends wife’s but not me even when I try to. It’s so awkward , embarrassing and hurtful. I keep asking my husband as to what have I done to offend her or make her so bitter towards me but even he doesn’t seem to have an answer.

I just want a peaceful life with my husband but it doesn’t seem possible in that house.

[xboxisdead]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice . I have tried everything under the sun to make her like me . Even when she accuses me of things I haven’t done I keep quiet or answer as politely as possible or just ignore her mean comments altogether but then I am a human too and sometimes it hurts when she purposely does something to spoil my image in front of my husband. As I had mentioned earlier about being sick while attending a wedding , i was feeling nauseous and had asked my mother in law to join others for dinner as the smell of the food was just making my nausea worse . She dint eat dinner with other family members and later complained to my husband that I refused to eat along with her and therefore she dint get to eat anything at the wedding. Thankfully my husband knew about my health and ignored what she said . As far as helping her with cooking is concerned I am not even allowed to make a cup of tea on my own as my mother in law is every particular about her kitchen. I tried helping her but she outright refused my help and doesn’t allow me to do anything in the kitchen ( can’t even wash a spoon). I once washed all the utensils when she was out visiting a relative n when she was back she washed them again like as if I am some kind of an unclean person. Also I remember when I came to my husbands home for the second time after wedding after a night long journey without any sleep and decided to take a nap , she asked me if I am this lazy even at my moms place . I just dint know what to say .

I feel when she looks at me or rather stares at me she feels disgusted by the way I look . She keeps talking about her daughter with a lot of pride as to how fair, slim and beautiful she is . I can tell you it’s done to make me feel how I am not the one she wanted . I am an average brown girl but I never felt so low about myself the way I feel now.

I have tried thing right from giving her gifts to trying to help her in kitchen to even inviting her to my moms place for all family gatherings but nothing seems to work . She is all nice in front of my family but it isn’t the same when i go there . When my husbands friends come over to our place with their families she talks to my husband’s friends wife’s but not me even when I try to. It’s so awkward , embarrassing and hurtful. I keep asking my husband as to what have I done to offend her or make her so bitter towards me but even he doesn’t seem to have an answer.

I just want a peaceful life with my husband but it doesn’t seem possible in that house.

Your life situation is not different than what my mom went through with her mother-in-law to a point that her mother in law in front of my mom offered to her son this wife to marry right in front of his own wife (my mother) and before my father died because of his mother he was about to divorce my mom...but he died before that happened.

Mothers in law are the top one factor of high divorce rate in society and family breakup. But since there are no enforced law to prevent this and we are so easy and calm about the situation and there is nothing can be done about it, they will always be the cause of divorce and mother in law and father in law will have negative energy behind them. You will find it is very rare to see a husband or a wife say they love their mother in law or father in law....the rarity will ever increase. But that is cycle of life...what we can do is make jokes about it and have comedy stands and have people laugh at the jokes concerning mother in law and father in law which enforces it until end of time.

What is worse if wives and husbands join in the reputation of mother and father in law by their bad behavior so that future generation when you tell them you will have a wife or a husband they shudder and run in fear because they link it to mother in law and father in law then we need to rethink everything..don't you agree?

[Anam12]

To add to that the entire family( myself, my husband and mother in law ) had gone for shopping to a different city. My husband was feeling hungry and had left us in the shop . Before leaving he asked his mom to help me with the shopping as she was done with hers . I was talking to the the shopkeeper about the price and when I turned around to ask her opinion i noticed she was gone. I searched the entire shop but she wasn’t there. I called her on her mobile but she dint answer my call. As it was a new city I got really scared and started searching for her on the road . After 15 mins of searching I gave up and called my husband. He came back running and started looking for her with me . He even tried calling but she wouldn’t answer. Finally after about 30 mins of searching we found her in another shop. When my husband asked her why did she leave without informing anyone she ignored him and walked away. I am not sure why she did what she did but I am scared that events such as this in future can harm my relationship with my husband making him feel like I am not responsible or something.

[xboxisdead]

To add to that the entire family( myself, my husband and mother in law ) had gone for shopping to a different city. My husband was feeling hungry and had left us in the shop . Before leaving he asked his mom to help me with the shopping as she was done with hers . I was talking to the the shopkeeper about the price and when I turned around to ask her opinion i noticed she was gone. I searched the entire shop but she wasn’t there. I called her on her mobile but she dint answer my call. As it was a new city I got really scared and started searching for her on the road . After 15 mins of searching I gave up and called my husband. He came back running and started looking for her with me . He even tried calling but she wouldn’t answer. Finally after about 30 mins of searching we found her in another shop. When my husband asked her why did she leave without informing anyone she ignored him and walked away. I am not sure why she did what she did but I am scared that events such as this in future can harm my relationship with my husband making him feel like I am not responsible or something.

Well....you can always look at this way. One day you will become a mother-in-law and you can "enjoy" doing what the mother in law did to you to someone else lol. Erm...-cough-...anyways.

P.S "By the way? If you intend to be the best mother in law in the world and do opposite of everything have happened to you...uh...you are under the title of mother in law...and it have been for over a thousands years if not more have been reputed to be a negative thing to be a mother in law due to long term bad reputations that generations and generations of bad experience of mother in law that it is...going to take that long if not longer for all mother in laws on Earth to be 100% perfect mother in law to change the stigma it hold and that aint going to happen....ever. Here is my advice to you. Take every bad experience you ever get from a mother in a law as form of cleaning your sins in this world. Avoid as much as possible contact with a mother in law or limit the contact as possible. Demand you have a separate home and place far away from a mother in law as possible. Exercise patience and look at it this way....this is Earth....it is not paradise. At the sigh of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) this world is not worth a wing of a mosquito wing...so this world should also mean nothing to you. Use it to prepare for the afterlife and move on. If you believe you cannot handle this mother in law (rarely you will find a good one) find another husband with the least issues of mother in law and build a family there."

[xboxisdead]

At the sight of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) (and not sigh) this world is not worth a wing of a mosquito wing...so this world should also mean nothing to you. Use it to prepare for the afterlife and move on. If you believe you cannot handle this mother in law (rarely you will find a good one) find another husband with the least issues of mother in law and build a family there."