here's the part from the article as it is long and includes other illnesses: Borderline Personality Disorder:
People with borderline personality disorder are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions characterize the person with borderline personality disorder. These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes, viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight. Fears of abandonment may lead to an excessive dependency on others. Self-mutilation or recurrent suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other traits of this disorder, which is more common among females.
- Impulsive and risky behavior
• Volatile relationships
• Unstable mood
• Suicidal behavior
• Fear of being alone
I often find myself obsessively trying to please Allah by respecting my parents (my mother, especially, as my father is distant), and then it backfiring by me snapping at them and then me apologizing over and over, and for some reason i have a fear of doing salatul tauba because i have a fear i will.....be insincere........which leads me to a cycle of guilt. i say a dua for repentance of major sins 3 times, but then i end up doing it dozens of times yet i still dont feel satisfied. i apologize to allah for disrespecting my parents, but i do it again because i am so volatile, due to the borderline. i am afraid of people who i find "sketchy" yet that is pretty much everyone. i end up becoming isolated and that feeds into my loner syndrome. i don't trust even my closest of friends as a general rule. i always try to see how far i can push people, and it backfires because people abandon me, which is what i fear most. i sometimes feel like i have no hope other than to live purely for the sake of not committing suicide, and i often don't know why i am alive and i do not even look forward to going to heaven because either i feel i will not end up there, (despite people commenting i am a wonderful person, lol whatever, if that's what they said, idk), or because i have lost hope that the oppression of the disease will ever end. it simply is not in my imagination that eating fruits and having sex with houris all day long is pleasing because i prefer to struggle in everything in life, or so i have convinced myself, or intellectual pleasure, so to speak. i also feel guilty for physical pleasure. i can not bring this up with my social worker because he is low quality and i can not bring this up with my psychotherapist because she is treating a separate condition which i dare not speak of lest the mods smite me and crush this thread with the hammer. and i can not get a separate psychotherapist because they are VERY expensive. and i can not convince my mother because she is stubborn. and i can not move out because i have no money and i have disabilities.
EDIT: i also am obsessed with not lying. which leads to trouble because i always say "i think....." "or maybe..."