05-12-2019, 09:41 PM
I have lately felt an aversion to read the quran, and the first few days of ramadan i actually fasted, but my doctor advised me not to fast but said it was my choice and I could try, and I ended up getting sick mentally and physically. but anyway, i feel an aversion both during fasting and after to read the quran in arabic, either because i was too sleepy from fasting, i was worried i would wet my pants (chronic fear I have even during praying, to the point that i change my underwear multiple times and make tauba yet still not seeing a stain because my underwear is dark and shady in color and I can't quite feel anything either). I spit dryly to the left shoulder over and over, but that has become a ritual as well, a sort of autistic ritual (I have autism) but not quite. i stopped reading quran in arabic altogether because i kept feeling guilty for touching it without wudhu and it was troublesome to have the quran on top of stuff without being able to touch it, but my mother doesn't care so she just touches it. i have lost some of my khushoo during salah, whereas recently it was at its peak. i am waking up for fajr more often (i take meds which make me sleepy), but days where i dont i feel chronic pain in my soul and repenting is not enough to make me forgive myself. i also sometimes am too sleepy to pray isha so i pray it at tahajjud time. but i have gotten guilt about that, too, and don't know if it's allowed.... (help....). i also feel an aversion to pray salat al tauba, dont quite have the same enthusiasm as i used to. Reply
is this wiswas or am i possesed?
lastly, will i get reward (hasanat) for reading english quran or tafseer instead of arabic quran original?
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