format_quote Originally Posted by
Ahmed.
Who is this 'him' you refer to? Sometimes it seems it's Allah and sometimes the Satan...
First him was Allah as in why didn't he protect me, the 2nd was the shaytan when I asked for refuge(these were the only two).
format_quote Originally Posted by
Ahmed.
And you heard an external voice? That's not normal and indicative of schizophrenia.
To my knowledge, the shaytan can reform himself and appear to the human eye, it isn't really hard for him to speak (mind that it was so subtle in volume).
It's really hard to explain this one and yes everything points out to me being schizophrenic but you got to understand that I KNEW it was him the moment he talked, my very first thought that he just ran away when I seeked refuge and cursed me (That voice never came back after).
format_quote Originally Posted by
Ahmed.
It's not even clear what Allah did not protect you from?
The day it all started but before I go there, let's go back a few days, about a week ago I repented to Allah, I did good, I prayer 5 times, read 1 surah a day no matter how big!
After those times (at night) I watch a YouTube video about Mohammed (صلى الله عليه وسلم) saying to his companions that something has been revealed to him that would protect us from shaytan like no other! Best of the best! And mentions surah Al Nas and Al Falaq, now I knew this but made me feel more secure.
Next morning I do my zikr and read those surahs + Al Ikhlas and get on with my day but about 30 minutes to 1 hour later bad thoughts and anger started coming my way, I got more angrier as the time progressed until I transgressed.
Now to my understanding, Allah was suppose to give me the best of the best protection from shaytan yet I suddenly had bad thoughts overwhelming me, why didn't Allah protect me from him? Was my surahs and all zikr not enough ?
And from there I thought I was nothing but a joke to him, a mere pebble to be tossed aside, played with until death comes.
So I snapped at him, every good thought in my head was pushed aside because to my knowledge, Allah has lied to me.
format_quote Originally Posted by
Ahmed.
There is loads of things on there that's not clear and you can tell it's a jumble of thoughts and feelings based on some very abnormal thought process
So it all leads me to think you must be suffering from mental illness
And you threw the uncontrollable waswas part in there too; another symptom...T
You need know that I haven't been a pious person, at times I just wanted Allah's anger.
I let the hate pass and manifest itself in me.
To a degree, yes, I was mental, imagine that your life is leading to nothing but hell and have no escape. Man this is where it hurts but I was too ignorant! You just won't believe how ignorant I was.
And as for the shaytan ? The dude was loving every bit of it and kept hold of me, increasing me in kufr.
I was at a point in my life where after all that, with all the worse things happening in life.
I asked allah "Will you not have mercy on me?" I was sobbing, distorted and said again "please have mercy on me, I can't take this anymore, if you have the least bit of pity on me please have mercy, I know you don't burden a soul beyond its capabilities but this is too much Allah! I'm not a messenger nor a firm believer but because of all that you would make me suffer here and the hereafter? Please have mercy!"
I was a disaster, really, like I had a house built on a crumbling cliff.
Same day I started reading the quran، surah Al Fatiha and Al Baqara.
Close to the end of surah Al Baqara, I had to stop, I started feeling so angry and restless.
Reading a surah that long which I never ever did in my life (can you imagine, I actually finished it) but closer to the end as I had to stop, my entire body started tingling, heavy breathing, my entire body was numb, anger at this point was too weird that I was too angry but I wasn't at all (my thought was the shaytan was in me and Allah helped me get him out(which is what I want since Allah says that he will pardon those who put their trust in Allah and only allah instead of getting a ruqyah from a shiekh, so I didn't reach out to any shiekh even though I know something was wrong keeping my trust that one day Allah will help me and I don't need help from anyone but Allah) and he did, after that pause I read the rest of the pages left with more ease, I just felt it being alot easier).
Now do you understand where this "mental illness" is coming from? Mainly ignorance.
May Allah save us all from hell fire.