How can I fix my relationship with my mother?

[muslimah002]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

My mother and I have a very strained relationship. I understand that I am supposed to respect and be kind to her, but I find it very hard to do those because it seems that she is constantly making me nervous. She is constantly passive aggressive and angry with me, yells at me for no reason, and is very volatile at all times. I do not hate, or even dislike my mother - but I find it so hard to get along with her.

If I ask her what I can do to fix our relationship, she'll just laugh at me. What else can I do?

ًجزاك اللهُ خيرا

[keiv]

Is she just coming up to you and yelling at you about random things or are there issues leading up to it? How long has she been like this? Did something traumatic happen in the past where you noticed a change or was she always this way? It seems odd that she would be mad for no reason.

[muslimah002]

There often are issues leading up to it, but I'm not involved in them. For example, if she's having an issue with my dad or her siblings, she'll take her anger out on me.

She's been like this with my father since I was a child, but just now she's acting this way towards me.

And I don't know if anything traumatic has happened to her, but nothing like that has happened to me (in the past, at least). It just seems that once I became a teenager, she's become more hostile with me.

[taha_]

There often are issues leading up to it, but I'm not involved in them. For example, if she's having an issue with my dad or her siblings, she'll take her anger out on me.

She's been like this with my father since I was a child, but just now she's acting this way towards me.

And I don't know if anything traumatic has happened to her, but nothing like that has happened to me (in the past, at least). It just seems that once I became a teenager, she's become more hostile with me.

Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu sister

May Allah make it easy for you and your family.
This world is a test for us. Difficult trials can help us to be strong muslims if they have patience if Allah wills it.

I dont know much about you and ur family but maybe try to help her even if it is difficult and speak kindly and gently. Pray to Allah to open her heart. Abu Huariya's mother became muslim after prophet peace be upon him prayed to Allah for her. So there are still hope. Allah knows best about your capacity.

I apologise if there is something wrong. As only Allah knows best

JazakAllah khair

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[muslimah002]

وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Thank you so much for your advice, brother. May Allah grant you Jannah, ameen

['Abdullah]

Asslam O Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Sister,

Main reason for this attitude is being away from Islamic teachings. You can't change others but the best you can do is start learning your Deen and start practicing it. Be patience and overlook anything your parents say. Be kind and gentle to them and don't argue back. Probably best is to stay silent as much as you can. Help your mother with house hold things even when she does not ask for it. Make dua for them.
رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
Transliteration: Rabbi irhamhuma kama rabbayani sagheera
Translation: My Lord, have mercy upon them (parents) as they brought me up [when i was] small. [Quran 17:24]
رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِيْ مُقِيْمَ الصَّلٰوةِ وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّتِيْ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاۗءِ
رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَىَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ ٱلْحِسَابُ
Transliteration: Rabbij-A’lnee Muqeemas’ S’alaati Wa Min D’urrriyyatee Rabbanaa Wa Taqabbal Du-A’aa Rabbana ighfir lee waliwalidayya walilmumineena yawma yaqoomu alhisabu
Translation: O my Lord! Make me one who performs As-Salaat (Iqaamat-as-Salaat), and (also) from my offspring, our Lord! And accept my invocation.Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers the Day the account is established. [Quran 14:40-41]
Remember that your mother is the door through which you came into this world and she is your door to Jannah. Getting to Jannah is not easy. So be patient and trust me you will find peace.
It is also important to look at hormonal changes a woman goes through. If your mother is in her early fifties, she may be going through Menopause. In that case, it is common for older women to get cranky. This is something we need to understand so that we know it is something not in her control. Similarly, you will going through some hormonal changes as well which can make one more sensitive or frustrated.
The best thing is just to give benefit of doubt to your mother's behavior. Think good about her as this will help you find peace. May Allah help you to overcomes all your problems. And May Allah help you and your family to practice Islam. Ameen!

Ma'aSalam

['Abdullah]

It is also important that we reflect on some of the ayats (verses) just before and after the duas I mentioned in my previous post.
For example, the ayat before Quran 17:24 is

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا
Translation: And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. [Quran 17:23]

In this verse, Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala is clearly telling us to treat our parents in a good away and we should not even say uff to them. At the same time, if parents ask us to stop following Islamic teachings then we are not supposed to listen to them. Love of Allah and His messenger (peace be upon him) should be more than anything we have. But this does not mean that we disrespect our parents. It is our duty as children to be kind to our parents and treat them well. This is something which Allah has commanded us to do and anything which is commanded by Allah is good for us and our society.

Now I am a father of two. And it scares me every time I read the verse 14:42 which is right after one of the dua I mentioned above.

وَلَا تَحْسَبَنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَٰفِلًا عَمَّا يَعْمَلُ ٱلظَّٰلِمُونَ إِنَّمَا يُؤَخِّرُهُمْ لِيَوْمٍ تَشْخَصُ فِيهِ ٱلْأَبْصَٰرُ
Translation: And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror]. [Quran 14:42]

If parents don't fulfill the trust which Allah has given them in the form of children then they will stand in front of Allah and be answerable for what they did to people who were under them. On that day, no one will have authority over another person except Allah. As Allah says in the Quran:

يَوْمَ لَا تَمْلِكُ نَفْسٌ لِّنَفْسٍ شَيْـًٔا وَٱلْأَمْرُ يَوْمَئِذٍ لِّلَّهِ

Translation:

It is the Day when a soul will not possess for another soul [power to do] a thing; and the command, that Day, is [entirely] with Allah. [Quran 82:19]

A small passage below from Surah Abasa shall scare every one of us:

But when there comes the Deafening Blast.
On the Day a man will flee from his brother.
And his mother and his father.
And his wife and his children,
For every man, that Day, will be a matter adequate for him. [Quran 80:33-37]

May Allah help us all (parents and children) and make it easy for us to fulfill the rights we have over one an other. Ameen!

[muslimah002]

وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Apologies for my late reply, brother.

Thank you so much for leaving these verses and Duaa, they were perfect reminders for me.

ًجزاك اللهُ خيرا

[Supernova]

Asalaamualaykum,

You have to understand that when Islam dictactes that obedience to your parents is Wajib, it means within context.

What your mother is doing is midirecting her anger to you who is innocent. This is psychological abuse. No ruling in Islam will ever support psychological abuse.
The danger of what your mother is doing is that leave alone you being a victim, but in many cases you might become an abuser yourself (knowingly or unknowingly) to someone else.

Unfortunately many parents think that Parenthood is a God given right to do as they please !!!

Firstly - Explain to your mother that should she continue doing this, you will SNAP !! because this is getting too much for you.

If she doesn't stop, the next time she does it ....SNAP !!! and SNAP BIG TIME !!! Let it all out. It might sound like very unislamic advice, but in certain cases like yours, the other person needs to see a different reaction just to understand what the effect of the oppression is. One of the reasons that your mother has done this for so long is because the reaction from you has become a bed of roses for her and she thinks its totally acceptable. Snapping in this case is not an indication of being Rude !!! Its a reaction to being oppressed and abused psychologically for years.

If the first diplomatic solution does not work, unfortunately, I think the second has to be put into action.

The dogma of todays Ulema convoluting the meaning of what Sabr is, has become the foundation that psychological abuse is standing upon.

[muslimah002]

وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
Apologies for the late reply, but thank you for your kind words and advice brother. I genuinely cannot see myself snapping at my mother like this, unless she really pushes me to my limit haha... I will absolutely try to tell her that someday I could end up snapping at her, but I fear that she'll end up getting angry at me. Either way, I really appreciate your advice and will keep it in mind
جزاك اللهُ خيرا

[xboxisdead]

وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
Apologies for the late reply, but thank you for your kind words and advice brother. I genuinely cannot see myself snapping at my mother like this, unless she really pushes me to my limit haha... I will absolutely try to tell her that someday I could end up snapping at her, but I fear that she'll end up getting angry at me. Either way, I really appreciate your advice and will keep it in mind
جزاك اللهُ خيرا

How old are you sister? Why not move out and live alone? So many women leave home, work by themselves and live in their own apartments.

[muslimah002]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Apologies for the late reply yet again. I am currently 17, but I am turning 18 in a few days. Inshallah I will move out some day, but right now my parents are paying for my college and I don't think it would be safe for me to look for a job so I can pay my own rent at the moment because of COVID. I plan to move out once I am financially stable, though, Inshallah.