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View Full Version : Keeping family. Ties

02-29-2020, 09:47 PM

Asalaam hope you are well in sha Allah

It has taken me years to speak to anyone about the situation I am in. I hope your will be able to respond and provide me with some guidance in sha Allah.

In 2004 I was forced to marry my cousin who is from Pakistan ( my mums nephew). I did not want to marry him but due to family pressure, emotional abuse, being taunted night and day I couldn't take the I'll treatment so I said yes I wouke marry him. My family and I then made arrangments to travel from the UK to Pakistan and eventually my nikah took place a few weeks later.

My cousin then came to the UK as my spouse. He was abusive and started insulting me a few weeks after arriving in the UK. We then moved out of my parents house to another property owned by my parents and then the domestic violence started. After 11 years of I'll treatment ( and after have 3 children together) I asked him to divorce me. He however refuses to divorce me. In 2015 I applied for Khula which was greater in 2016 after being forced to undergo counselling by the Sharia council which was extremely draining and pure torture.

My family had all cornered me during the Khula process and kept putting pressure on me to reconcile and that he would change.

It has been 4 years and we have not spoken I am happily working and taking care of my children without their dad paying for their upbringing. Alhamdulillah my daughter is attended full time madrasah and my other daughter will join her in September in sha Allah, my son is also doing well alhamdulillah, I don't ask him to pay for their tuition fees for school etc as he had always given priority to the needs of his family over us.

The problem is he has started harassing me though my family again and everyone is putting pressure on me to reconcile. My mother never treated me fairly she only let me study and progress to higher education if I married one of her nephews .

Yesterday my mum asked sister to call me about reconciliation. I have now stopped talking to my family as I used to as they keep hurting me. My family still enjoy very close relations with my ex husband's family, basically I am a nobody. My ex was very clever with my family and had everyine wrapped around his family.

Pleasee help me as I don't want to break relations with family I feel they are going to kill me with the emotional abuse and pressure. I hate the though of my ex husband. I. Just don't know what to do. If I go to see my mum for the sake of her being my mother she will try to pressure me and tell I will go to hell being a disobedient daughter.
My family do the subtle emotional abuse which is very very disturbing. First they make. E feel everything is ok and then they bring the topic up again and try to say I should get back with him. How can I keep good family relations with a family like this?

Brother I am sorry for taking your time and I am aware of how precious your time is but please help me by replying and providing some guidance on maintaining family ties given the history of my life so far. I cannot talk to anyone. It's a horrible, situation to be in.

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03-03-2020, 04:54 PM
Asalaamualaykum -

If you take this entire narrative, print it out, hand it to every Pakistani girl in UK that married a guy from Pakistan - I bet my bottom dollar more than 50% of these woman would fall in this identical situation.

I sympathise with you, I live in UK and there are so many marriages where British Pakistani girls fall in this exact situation. This all starts off the "My son does not do anything wrong" pride and arrogance ! I have observed that Pakistani mothers breed this attitude as if the sun shine shines out of their sons rectum. This starts a chain of events whereby the sons grow up with Narcissistic behaviour thereby abusing their wives and kids, but yet know what cards to play in front of the in-laws.

The funny thing about this issue is that it has went on for so many generations in UK that no one can kill this chain because nearly everybody gained from it in one way or the other. This disease rots so deep in Pakistani households that I even witnessed sisters encouraging their brothers to physically abuse their wives - obviously forgetting they woman themselves.

If you don't believe me, go out in the UK and speak to these abused woman who are brave enough to stand up - Most of them married men from Pakistan.
Still don't believe me ? Go look at Pakistani Soapies on their TV channels and see what the theme circulates around.

Alhumdullila not all Pakistani men are like this, but in general Pakistan has a HUGE problem in this issue. The very mothers who experienced abuse become the "feeder" of Narcissistic behaviour of their own sons !!!

An ENDLESS Cycle !!!!

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