Asc, I am an eighteen year old female suffering from mental illness such as Ocd and anxiety. It has affected me so much, that last year I was admitted to a hospital due to my breakdowns because I would hurt people and break things . After that problems started with salah and wudhu. Every time I do wudhu, my legs shake, I get a panic attack and get crazy. I spend hours in the toilet because I feel like I’m not doing my wudhu properly or I keep breaking it. I try to ignore but it’s very difficult. I waste so much water, I don’t feel like I have control of myself, I’m forcing myself to do intention and I want to pray but it feels like something is stopping me. I doubt about everything for e.g that I can’t pronounce my Quran correctly or I am not reading it correctly. I completely damaged my hands as I would wash too much. My mother or father has to watch me do wudhu. It has affected my life and my family’s life so much that I don’t eat or sleep because I’m constantly worried that I’m doing something wrong. When I do wudhu, I keep repeating it more than ten times, that I shout at myself to stop. If I manage to make it to salah , I don’t know whats happening or what salah praying. My parents told me to stop praying as I’m not well. But I keep trying, because I want to pray but things still seem the same. I have a breakdown every time. when it’s salah . I don’t know what to do. I haven’t prayed salat properly in a while and I feel guilt. I lose my mind during the adhan and become crazy. I don’t what I’m saying and sometimes get told I act like a crying child and screaming . I have to ask people what’s my left or right. I’m dependent on my parents for everything. I cry when my parents go to work and my voice changes constantly. It feels like I have different personalities. I always wonder if there’s sometimg wrong with my physical health, if I feel pain in my body, I’m told it’s just aniexty and panic. I don’t know what’s real or not anymore? The reason on why I’m asking for advice is because I want to repent but I don’t know where to start. I want to pray salah,wudhu and Guhsl but it’s very difficult. I watch videos of people doing wudhu and salah and ask people on how to do it. In my childhood, I was dependent on my mother until I hit puberty and also had difficulties doing physical things as a child. I regret my sins and I don’t want to go to hell. Every day, I think to myself that it’s my last day in this earth. I made to dua to Allah, crying asking to help me. But I blame myself for everything. What can I do? How can I make myself be a good Muslim? I’m scared it’s too late. I know Allah didn’t make this salah as hardship. My parents told me to pray when I get better but I really want to do salah. I want to be a good Muslim.
Sister, I had ocd and anxiety in the past, some things you mentioned do not seem to be result of OCD and Anxiety.
But of course doctors and counselors know a lot more than I do, so please make an appointment to see one to be certain.
While seeing medical professionals, you can also do self-ruqya.
Basically you are attempting to heal yourself medically and spiritually.
The Qur'an is Mercy, healing and guidance to mankind - so the Qur'an will only harm Iblees and his shayateen followers.
If you choose to do this, you will know if you have been afflicted by them or not.
Once you are sure you have been afflicted, you can continue self-ruqya until the affliction is removed completely, or you get a raqi to do ruqya on you.
You can certainly ask your muslim parents / family to help, if you are not sure about doing this on your own.
As for repenting, it is never too late for anyone to repent as long as they are still alive.
Make the intention to repent, and perform the ablution and salat the best you can. If you can do ablution but not salat, then make dua after ablution.
Also Istighfar regularly, fasting and give alms on your behalf.
Basically any acts of worship that can bring you closer to Allah who is best to heal and protect you.