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immuslimah
05-07-2020, 03:30 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

I am in a dilemma. I need your advice. I have an affection towards a man whom I haven't ever met and haven't ever seen. I am so much attracted towards him. I found him on one of the apps just like this. I read his posts and since then I am feeling so much attraction towards him.
At first, I thought this is all wrong and it would affect my relationship with Allah, so I tried to control my feelings. But when I couldn't, I prayed to Allah to either make this love pure or remove this attraction.
I began to think that I am committing shirk by loving him so much and that I am listening to my nafs. I then prayed to Allah and remained patient, and few days ago, that man posted something which made me so humble in front of Allah. I began to feel humbleness in my prayers and I felt so close to Allah. And I thought that Allah has given me humbleness through this man. Of course, the man was just medium, it was Allah who has gifted this humbleness. And I was very grateful to Allah for that.
But in the morning,I watched a video in which a lady (I don't know if she was really a scholar or no) said that there is no love before nikah.
And from then I began to think that Allah is not happy with. And now I feel so far away from Allah. When I accepted that man as a gift from Allah, I felt so close to Allah. But when I think that this is wrong and Allah is not happy, I feel so far away from Him.
I even prayed that Allah unite us in this dunya or if not here, then in Jannah, InshaAllah.
So please tell me , is this kind of love true. Love for the sake of Allah and for being closer to Him. ?
Or are these my desires?
Note that there isn't any physical desire.
I desparately need help..
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xboxisdead
05-08-2020, 02:30 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by immuslimah
Assalamu Alaikum

I am in a dilemma. I need your advice. I have an affection towards a man whom I haven't ever met and haven't ever seen. I am so much attracted towards him. I found him on one of the apps just like this. I read his posts and since then I am feeling so much attraction towards him.
At first, I thought this is all wrong and it would affect my relationship with Allah, so I tried to control my feelings. But when I couldn't, I prayed to Allah to either make this love pure or remove this attraction.
I began to think that I am committing shirk by loving him so much and that I am listening to my nafs. I then prayed to Allah and remained patient, and few days ago, that man posted something which made me so humble in front of Allah. I began to feel humbleness in my prayers and I felt so close to Allah. And I thought that Allah has given me humbleness through this man. Of course, the man was just medium, it was Allah who has gifted this humbleness. And I was very grateful to Allah for that.
But in the morning,I watched a video in which a lady (I don't know if she was really a scholar or no) said that there is no love before nikah.
And from then I began to think that Allah is not happy with. And now I feel so far away from Allah. When I accepted that man as a gift from Allah, I felt so close to Allah. But when I think that this is wrong and Allah is not happy, I feel so far away from Him.
I even prayed that Allah unite us in this dunya or if not here, then in Jannah, InshaAllah.
So please tell me , is this kind of love true. Love for the sake of Allah and for being closer to Him. ?
Or are these my desires?
Note that there isn't any physical desire.
I desparately need help..
Sister, there is no such thing as love because love holds hand to hand with it's opposite partner and that is hate. Much like humans have opposites: male and female so do love have it's opposite partner and that is hate. You cannot base your relationship on love. It is the most shakiest of foundation and would cause you to do hara'am things. If you are single, unmarried and desire a partner why not do it the correct way? The proper islamic way? Get a walli and have him find you a spouse...and that walli is your dad. If he is not alive then your brother(s) if you do not have brothers, then your uncle and so forth. And if for some reason you are born in a family with no male at all...pure Amazonian jungle of nothing but women...that is your family line..female to female...to female..to female...then get a walli from the community, mosque, sheikh, etc. But what you are doing now? This? Nu hu! Wrong! Unacceptable. It is hara'am and stop this before the shaitaan gets hold of you and wouldn't let go.
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immuslimah
05-08-2020, 05:46 AM
Please. I NEED HELP. please.please. :'(
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CuriousonTruth
05-08-2020, 05:55 AM
Well from the post it seems like you're very young, probably a teenager if I had to guess.

Obsessing over someone who you've never met and never seen is not how you go about things, nor is it healthy. I mean you don't even know if he'll return the interest and yet you're digging a deep emotional hole for yourself.

But don't worry you'll get over it, we all do. You need to stop this obsession, it's not good for your mental health, or your faith coming to think of it.
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Studentofdeed
05-08-2020, 06:19 AM
Assalamu Alaykum
What you are feeling is natural. It is understandable and whenever we see the opposite gender posting and they appear pious and good, we feel wishful and hope we can get someone like that. That is natural sister....BUT do not let it get beyond that as I SWEAR these relationships will only bring you more misery and pain and destroy your live and possibly those around you. If you truly like this person, tell a trusted male mahram and do it the halal way: marriage. If you are confused and not sure if this brother is marriage suitable: do Istikhara. However, if things do not work out. This is what Allah decress because he knows it was not good for you. Allah is the creator, the creator of everything and even that man. He is testing you. So do not give in and make him proud. That is your test. If it truly is good for you. Allah will gift wrap the man and bring him to you, but you have to TRUST Alllah and do istikharah and tell a male mahram. If you do not want to involve any family and rather have a secret relationship, that will displease Allah and could distance you from him. May Allah make it easy for you. Ponder and reflect on this.
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immuslimah
05-08-2020, 06:43 AM
No.no... I haven't ever thought of doing anything haram. I just pray to Allah to unite us, even if it's not in this world, then in hereafter.
And I don't know but due to this obsession or love, I found myself very humble to Allah. I don't want that humbleness to go away, I don't care that much about the affection. I just want that humbleness, And right now, I am being humble only due to that infatuation, I am feeling closer to Allah only due to that. I have always thought of marriage, not anything haram.
Love is given by Allah, how can He be against it? and especially the love which is done for His sake, that brings a servant closer to Him.
I am very much aware of the difference between love and desire.
And that man is as unaware of me as an asleep person of the world around. So there's no way, I can contact with him. I do not want any haram relationship. I am not at the age of marriage, so I can't tell this to anyone.
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Studentofdeed
05-08-2020, 06:52 AM
Keeping away from haram will Allah happy with you. Regards to love and all that, every kind of love will hurt and betray you except the love of Allah. Allah will never betray you. Never obsess over someone because they are not perfect. Trust in Allah and inshallah he will give you the RIGHT man for you. And regards to you saying love is given by Allah, that sister is nothing but the shaitan. True love is only after marriage when you are happy with each other KNOWING THEIR FLAWS. Ervyone looks perfect outside but when you find out their dark secrets you will not like them any longer. Focus on Allah and he will give you right man. This is not love but desire and nafs. True love is sincere and does not cause one pain. Please take my advice and hope it helps
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immuslimah
05-08-2020, 06:59 AM
I think you all are right. Last night, I prayed to Allah to tell me what He wants from me through these advices. So I think I got it what Allah wants.
I am on the urge of crying but I'll try my best to let it go.
Now, can I get some tips on how can I control my feelings??
Reply

CuriousonTruth
05-08-2020, 09:11 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by immuslimah
I think you all are right. Last night, I prayed to Allah to tell me what He wants from me through these advices. So I think I got it what Allah wants.
I am on the urge of crying but I'll try my best to let it go.
Now, can I get some tips on how can I control my feelings??
Yes stop simulating these thought about him in your mind. I mean you already want to be in paradise with this guy who doesn't know you. That's SO far ahead.

If you were male, I'd tell you to go play football or video games. Just distract yourself with something else.
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Studentofdeed
05-08-2020, 10:15 AM
Yes sister. Do not overthink too hard. Just focus on Allah and find a nice hobby. It will keep your mind busy and inshallah things will look bright. I think this quarantine is driving everyone frustrated
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immuslimah
05-08-2020, 12:50 PM
Okay.I had this one question.
Everyone here talked about my infatuation.
But nobody talked about its effect on my relationship with Allah. Now that I am thinking it's wrong, I feel so far away from Allah.
Give me advice on that too..
Reply

Studentofdeed
05-08-2020, 12:54 PM
If you do stop the feelings and rather channel it towards Allah it will not effect but rather enhance it with Allah. Having thoughts and desires are natural but our relationship decreases if we act on it
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Al-Ansariyah
05-09-2020, 02:47 PM
P.s. :)
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CuriousonTruth
05-09-2020, 04:11 PM
It's not true love. It's her first crush lol. And her religiosity is influenced because that's what is important to her life (I assume). Ofcourse a non-religious person wouldn't get "close to Allah", they would have been influenced differently, maybe being more self-aware about how they talk, eat, dress, etc.

Love can't be one sided. Here she is thinking of going to Jannah with him, but there's a significant chance this man would reject her. Even I rejected a girl in real life without thinking for a second, guys can be very straight forward and insensitive. Then what? What happens to her faith then? Faith and "closeness" to Allah based on her relationship with someone else is fake closeness and will collapse easily.

All we are saying is she stops thinking so much about someone else, it will hurt her future prospects and even religion. Obsession doesn't need to be physical, it can very well be emotional. She will have to get over it and mature.
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Al-Ansariyah
05-09-2020, 04:15 PM
P.s. :)
Reply

Al-Ansariyah
05-09-2020, 04:16 PM
P.S. :)
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
05-09-2020, 07:36 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by immuslimah
Okay.I had this one question.
Everyone here talked about my infatuation.
But nobody talked about its effect on my relationship with Allah. Now that I am thinking it's wrong, I feel so far away from Allah.
Give me advice on that too..
Assalamu Alaikum,

My dear sister it is something normal and innocent for you at this stage being of young age as you are still emotionally developing. It is also normal to feel attraction towards the opposite gender. However know that this is not true love in the sense of the love between two spouses but it is a kind of infatuation/obsession similar to how a fan who begins to become infatuated and obsessed with the actions, sayings and works of a celebrity or soneone famous. The only danger is that they may eventually become blinded by the celebrities every action so that even if they do something bad and detestable then such a person will not be able to see itvdue to infatuation.

So at the moment it's not something that can be considered as bad as it is quite normal and you are young and still emotionally developing. However it can be a trick of shaythan to eventually make you fall for a person eventually whether it's them or someone else because he has found your weak points and shaythan always works on a person's weaknesses. Especially if you dwell on it too much.

However this is not a reason for you to ever go away from Allah as this is what your enemy shaythan wants. He wants for you to become disillusioned and go astray. Whereas Allah wants you to be closer to him. So just change your perspective and instead just take the good from people and leave the rest. Know that you do not know anything about them nor the way they really are in person. Nor does anyone know what they do in secret nor if they are even worthy of any praise. Only Allah knows the secrets of what lies in people's hearts and in their secret and open actions.

If Allah brings you closer to him through any medium whatsoever then Alhamdulillah you should thank him much for guiding you towards him. He is choosing you over so many other people. Whereas shaythan wants to twist this so that you instead fall for the owrsona of the medium. Put your trust in Allah. He will eventually find you the right person inshaAllah when the time is right for you. In the meantime work on yourself and your character and develop a strong closeness to Allah through worship, prayer, Dua and learn knowledge so that you may distinguish between right and wrong easier.

Grab this valuable opportunity during the last two weeks of Ramadan to get closer to Allah and read the Qur'an with its meanings and ponder over it. We must noo not fall for the tricks of our enemy shaythan who only wants to destroy us and take us away from Allah.

So you have nothing to feel bad about nor have concern or worry over. In fact thank Allah for him wanting to guide you and bring you towards him. Always bare in mind that we do not know anything about the person who we are taking knowledge from except the Prophet (Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam) , Sahaba, Salaf and the great Ulama of the past.

May Allah enable us to make the best use of these valuable days and nights to get closer to him and may he give us the best of this world and the next. Ameen
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immuslimah
05-12-2020, 04:06 PM
Salaam everyone
I really appreciate your advices and I am trying my best to act upon them. But till now, I am not getting any good result. I am even trying to build a strong connection with Allah. Alhamdulillah, I am getting closer to Him day by day. But between all this, I am still obsessed with the thoughts of that man. I am very young(as you have already guessed) but I want to ask if this obsession doesn't stop when I grow old, will it become love, like permanent one?

I have even stopped praying for him and am trusting Allah. But if I think of him, is it a sin on me?
I can't control my thoughts. I haven't ever thought of doing anything haram. I sometimes feel like he likes me back but can't be sure.
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immuslimah
05-12-2020, 05:01 PM
I forgot to mention something. My love for him is very pure(as far as I know). He has so many hardships in his life, I want to comfort him, I want to be near him, and love him for the sake of Allah. I have this belief that if I pray to Allah to unite us, He will unite us even if we are from different parts of the world.
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immuslimah
05-12-2020, 10:10 PM
Please help :'(
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Studentofdeed
05-12-2020, 11:33 PM
Sister please understand that no one is perfect. Because you are young you haven't experienced the harsh and bitter reality. No one cares about anyone but Allah. When I was young I was stupid enough to think about love and wanting to marry and fall in love. It's all fake and lies. Every love will hurt and betray you. Only Allah will never hurt or betray you. You are still young and can not make mistakes as many youth who do. This love thing is lie and waste. Trust Allah and save yourself pain. I promise if it really was good for you, Allah would give it to you yourself. Trust Allah. Be a better Muslim and worship him. Inshallah you will get a good husband but for now this thing is not worth it. Please abandon this before it destroys you
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Studentofdeed
05-12-2020, 11:36 PM
On the day of judgement everyone. Even those who claimed to love each other will run away saying me me and me. Only our beloved prophet Muhammad SAW will say my people. Love the one who cried for us and our God who gave us blessings and life. Never love the creations. Its all lies
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Hamza Asadullah
05-12-2020, 11:43 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,

My dear sister the only solution for you is that you avoid those places and avenue's which could allow you to and cause you to feel this way. Which means that you should avoid these platforms and social media interaction. Surely this is not benefiting you but making you feel in ways that you know are not right.

True love is that which Allah puts into two souls for when they commit to one another in Nikah in which Allah joins two souls in holy matrimony. However as stated to you previously what you feel is clearly an irrational obsession and infatuation which is not healthy nor good for you.

So therefore you must avoid those places in which you may come across certain individuals that may make you feel this way. There is no other solution but that. Otherwise you may continue falling deeper into this unhealthy obsession and infatuation and continue to feel hurt and upset.
Reply

immuslimah
05-13-2020, 12:08 AM
I think I am not able to explain it.

I have prayed to Allah to stop this infatuation, till now it hasn't stopped. I am not complaining that Allah isn't answering. Either Allah is giving me a hint that He will give me this man and this love won't hurt me or it's just that I have to be patient till the dua gets answered.?Do I sound like lovesick?
I will definitely leave that platform.
Please read this carefully and suggest something .?
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
05-13-2020, 12:58 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by immuslimah
I think I am not able to explain it.

I have prayed to Allah to stop this infatuation, till now it hasn't stopped. I am not complaining that Allah isn't answering. Either Allah is giving me a hint that He will give me this man and this love won't hurt me or it's just that I have to be patient till the dua gets answered.?Do I sound like lovesick?
I will definitely leave that platform.
Please read this carefully and suggest something .?
My dear sister if you are at the age and ready for marriage and looking for possible suitors then it is understandable that you would desire a partner who you deem as having the characteristics you are looking for and so you would then approach this person through your Mahram.

However if this is not the position you are in at present and also you know nothing about this person or their situation or circumstances nor do you know anything about their character etc then surely these are merely irrational thoughts and feelings of attraction that have developed into an obsession and infatuation. As I've already mentioned my sister this is doing you no good. In fact you are descending deeper into this obsession.

So you must remove yourself from such a situation where you may come across this person's posts etc until the point at which you have realised these are merely irrational thoughts. Until then take time out and clear your head. Make the best use of these blessed last few days and nights to ponder and develop your connection with Allah first and foremost.

I am sure this is a natural part of your emotional development especially as you are going through your teenage years and you are finding yourself and who you are as a person. However know that these obsessions and infatuations much like how a fan of a celebrity gets obsessed with everything they do and say, is very detrimental and could make you further descend deeper into this obsession which can take you off the right path and into another path of which shaythan awaits. Remember when Iblis said to Allah that he will wait for the believers on the right path and so he will try every trick in his book to try and make us go off the right path and most of the time these tricks related to the opposite gender.

I hope I've made myself clear to you. Please do not get disillusioned or upset with yourself as it's not your fault as these are natural feelings at your age as part of your emotional development but you must take yourself out if this situation and take time out until you've come through realisation that these are merely irrational thoughts and feelings.
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immuslimah
05-13-2020, 01:32 AM
Thank you so much. You have helped me a lot.
I will surely reflect over his mistakes and try to hate him or let's just say dislike him :D
May Allah reward you all with good. Ameen ,ameen summa ameen. :D
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immuslimah
05-19-2020, 04:14 PM
I am really sorry to disturb you all again. I know I am irritating. I am trying so hard to stop those feelings but unable to. I have been begging Allah to stop this, but it's not stopping. I know I have to be patient. And I remain patient but those thoughts always overtake me and I lose my concentration in prayers too. Then I begin to think that I am not doing anything to olease Allah. No matter how much I try to be concentrated, I always fall down. I am avoiding him so much, but this obsession isn't stopping. Now, I hate myself for being obsessed with someone so much that it's driving me insane and taking me far from Allah. Please don't give the precautions I should take. I already know that I have to avoid him.(and I m doing so).
I have no one with whom I can share my problems except Allah. But i feel that Allah is so angry at me. I have no support.I feel so alone.
I need some answers from both brother's and sister's perspectives. Like if you ever get into this situation,how will you handle it?
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Studentofdeed
05-19-2020, 11:10 PM
What helped me sister was realizing this person is not perfect. They have their own secrets and sins. Do not hate yourself as you are young and its okay. Young people develop this fascination. I remember when I was young and 5 years old I had a crush on my teacher. It happens so do not be upset at yourself. Now what helps me if I ever develop feelings is knowing that person will never be sincere or good to me as Allah. That person will not care or love me as Allah. Sometimes I get lonely but then realize harem relationships are literally a waste of time. No point and its haram. How many people throw away their lives? Inshallah Allah will give you a good husband and he will be righteous. Be patient and be good Muslimah. This quarantine is making everyone including me crazy. So I belive it is the feeling of isolation. Is there a masjid in your area where you can friends? Otherwise there are many nice sisters here who would love to be your friend
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immuslimah
05-19-2020, 11:21 PM
Yes, I do know that no one is perfect. And of course he isn't perfect too. He makes mistakes. And even if i observe them, i am ready to accept him. What should one do in this situation when she is ready to accept the person with his mistakes,with his past
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Studentofdeed
05-19-2020, 11:59 PM
Here is very tough to think about it. It is depressing way but its true and helps me. Lets say someone gets married to a girl. He loves her and has children. The guy passes away and the girl gets sad and misses him maybe for month or two. Then she will get married to another guy and will forget about their first husband. She will tell I love you to the new guy. She will not even remember the first. The kids will call the new guy father! So you can love someone but they will never pay you back the same sincerity. People you love will forget about you. Only Allah will remember you in the grave. People will never be sincere as God. This is what helps me. Even in the day of judgment this person will run away from you saying NAfsi nafsi which means me! Only me! That same person you love so much you end up sort of worshiping and that same person who you worship will be an enemy to you on day of judgment and say I dissociate from your act of worship. No one will EVER be loyal or sincere. I know this is depressing but it is what helps me. At the right time, pious person will marry you inshallah and treat you well but this sort of love is nothing but pain and misery
I really hope this helped you

- - - Updated - - -

Here is very tough to think about it. It is depressing way but its true and helps me. Lets say someone gets married to a girl. He loves her and has children. The guy passes away and the girl gets sad and misses him maybe for month or two. Then she will get married to another guy and will forget about their first husband. She will tell I love you to the new guy. She will not even remember the first. The kids will call the new guy father! So you can love someone but they will never pay you back the same sincerity. People you love will forget about you. Only Allah will remember you in the grave. People will never be sincere as God. This is what helps me. Even in the day of judgment this person will run away from you saying NAfsi nafsi which means me! Only me! That same person you love so much you end up sort of worshiping and that same person who you worship will be an enemy to you on day of judgment and say I dissociate from your act of worship. No one will EVER be loyal or sincere. I know this is depressing but it is what helps me. At the right time, pious person will marry you inshallah and treat you well but this sort of love is nothing but pain and misery
I really hope this helped you
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Studentofdeed
05-20-2020, 12:05 AM
ANother way to think about it is Allah is the creator. He is a creator of that person too. If he wanted he could move mountains just to get you married to that person. But if that person was good for you or right. Maybe ALlah has a BETTER guy for you? :). Allah is the creator and this is a test. SO please sister do not overthink and try to be good muslimah. You are a good muslim and better than most because most sisters do not even care what Allah thinks. All they think about is drugs and messing around with boys. Allah is the last thing on their minds. But you are not them. So focus on God and trust him. This is an advice for me too which I need to do. You are a good muslim and Allah loves you.
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immuslimah
05-20-2020, 12:09 AM
Thank you so much brother. This will help me Inshallah. It's just that right now, I have lost my conscience and am not able to identify what's right and what's wrong. But Inshallah, I'll be patient and try to stop this thing.
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