Dealing with a control freak

[anonymous]

What would you guys do in this situation... How would you tackle this..

X is the youngest child married with kids. Xs marriage broke down so his kids have moved out with their mother. X is the youngest so lives with his mum in their family home. X however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house. X has not worked or contributed in any ways shape or form towards the home he thinks he has full control over. Doesn't even have a bill in his name at said property. Reasoning with this individual is a no go. Starts getting abusive and throwing a tantrum. What can be done in this situation. The only solution is to involve the authorities and get him mentally assessed but this is a taboo in our community. "honour"

[*charisma*]

however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house.

Can you elaborate here please? What do you mean by close relations?


He should be treating his mother with kindness and helping out. It may be that he is stressed out due to his failed marriage and him losing out on his kids. He probably feels defeated and depressed and wants to be alone.

[anonymous]

Close relations as in his mothers son in laws and grandchildren. His nephews and brother in laws..

The irony is he welcomes his own children despite them moving with their mother. They're actually adults now so are mature enough to have made an informed decision. Yet if any other grand children visit their grandma's house he'll force them to leave before they can even step foot inside. For the record the people he denies entry have done more for their grandmother than he has living with his mum. If anything he has been a burden and i have on numerous occasions heard speak of his mother in a derogatory manner blaming her for his failings..

[anonymous]

As an example x has failed to maintain the family home despite assuming full control. If anybody mentions something regarding bringing the property upto a habitable standard he takes offence. As a family his mother ia an elder and close to me and my parents. We pity at the state of the conditions she has to put up with. If x really is the man all ruling party of the house why should he take offence at somoene sincerely questioning the living conditions of a senior family person ie his mum.

He takes offence at people stating facts even though it's not in any way ill intended. He has created numerous rifts and takes pride in coercing people who has a degree of control over by brainwashing them with his train of thought.

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['Abdullah]

It appears the son does not own the house, does not pay the bills and help with anything else in maintaining the house. It also appears that he is not the only child. It also appear the father has passed away or may be does not live with them any more? Does he allows his other siblings to come in the house? Do other siblings know about this issue? Can the mother live at her own or with someone else in the family?

[anonymous]

He grudgingly allows the other siblings but kicks up a fuss at their presence. Doesn't allow his siblings kids in as although their his sisters kids his logic is that his brother in law doesn't own the property.. Lame logic i know.

There's 5 siblings and all apart from him have no problem with any family members visiting. In sub con culture the youngest normally keeps the family home and he's claiming full control on this basis despite having not paid a single bill to my knowledge. If it came to legalities he wouldn't be able to probably claim his share of the house let alone complete ownership. He stops his nephews visiting on the basis that their not allowed whilst he's there. Utterly unfair given that he's one of 5 siblings and more importantly his mother allah preserve her has no issue in anybody visiting.

['Abdullah]

Is there a Will written down? If it is, please make sure that it is written in accordance to Islamic laws and not according to the cultural belief system. One will be sinful for not giving the inheritance in accordance to Islam.
Is his father still alive?
I suggest that the matter shall be discussed with older siblings, the inheritance shall be divided in accordance to Islamic laws for inheritance. Sell the house and give everyone the share they get according to Islamic laws for inheritance and let her mom move with someone who is more reasonable in her kids and who can take care of her needs while keeping the ties of kinship with other family members.

[anonymous]

A will is in place but its more about the present
Yes the father has passed on and the property is in the name of the mother. It seems utterly unfair and unjust that x can control who can and can't enter. Frankly if the authorities got involved they would well and truly put x in his place. We would rather not take that route but with every passing day it's looking all the more inevitable.

['Abd-al Latif]

What would you guys do in this situation... How would you tackle this..

X is the youngest child married with kids. Xs marriage broke down so his kids have moved out with their mother. X is the youngest so lives with his mum in their family home. X however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house. X has not worked or contributed in any ways shape or form towards the home he thinks he has full control over. Doesn't even have a bill in his name at said property. Reasoning with this individual is a no go. Starts getting abusive and throwing a tantrum. What can be done in this situation. The only solution is to involve the authorities and get him mentally assessed but this is a taboo in our community. "honour"

With the limited information that you’ve shared (including your other posts on this thread), it tells me a few things:

1- The breakdown of his marriage and not being able to see his kids as frequently as he would probably like, likely makes him feel like his life is out of control. He probably feels very ashamed about his failed marriage (shame will only perpetuate the problem) and is likely making him feel as though his life is not settled, that life is just chaotic. I’m guessing he’s probably very stressed out most of the time and to you, it’ll probably look like he’s stressed for no reason. You might observe him as spending a lot of time playing games or doing whatever idle activities to pass the time. This is his way of avoiding reality because to him, the alternative is misery and stress. Wanting to control what happens in his home probably makes him feel like he has some control over his own life and he probably can’t see that he is harming himself and others.

2- he may need to talk to someone about his issues to process his experiences and emotions to allow him to heal. He sounds like he’s very lonely, insecure and hurt inside and the best way forward, in my view, is to give him the support he needs to move past his troubles. Penalising him is likely to make him more distant and hostile. Seeing a therapist/councillor may help him manage his emotions and allow him to see how is behaviour is effecting him and those around him. Remember: hurt people, hurt people. Unless this is resolved, he’s going to continue behaving in this way.

3- obviously, if you feel that you are at risk of harm then you may need to get the authorities involved. You’re best places to know this.

If you want Islamic advice:

a - Allah has called familial/blood ties as 'rahm'. This word is derived from Allah's name Al-Rahmaan. Allah said that whoever maintains the ties of kinship will have His rahma (mercy) and whoever cuts ties will be deprived of His rahma.

b- Your family member needs support and this is your test. You cannot control what he says or does but you can control your responses. Stay calm and patient, try not to take things personally or rationalise his behaviour because he needs to work through them. Your response should be with kindness and mercy.

c- be fair and just with him, regardless of how angry he makes you. Allah says “and let not the enmity and hatred of others make you avoid justice. Be just: that is nearer to piety” [al-Maa’idah 5:8].

[anonymous]

I was very close to the individual until very recently. I used to often be an outlet for him to get things odd his chest. It's patently obvious the breakdown in his marriage has had an adverse affect on his wellbeing and i fully understand that. During the course of our many conversations it was always a case of scapegoating others for his unfortunate circumstances. Wallahi i nor anyone else that he stops from visiting house take any joy from his predicament. I would rather be dead than take joy in another's misfortune. However in his mind he sees me and others who have the best interest of his mother primarily at heary as his enemies.

['Abd-al Latif]

I was very close to the individual until very recently. I used to often be an outlet for him to get things odd his chest. It's patently obvious the breakdown in his marriage has had an adverse affect on his wellbeing and i fully understand that. During the course of our many conversations it was always a case of scapegoating others for his unfortunate circumstances. Wallahi i nor anyone else that he stops from visiting house take any joy from his predicament. I would rather be dead than take joy in another's misfortune. However in his mind he sees me and others who have the best interest of his mother primarily at heary as his enemies.

Everyone will be his enemy right now because he is carrying a lot of hurt. It's not easy being a single parent, especially when you feel like a disappointment to your entire family because of the breakdown of your relationship. Don't take this personally. Give him the time and space that he needs until he comes forward voluntarily to talk to you. Remember: he needs to work through his issues.

Edit:

I would suggest giving him the offer to listen to what he says without bias or judgement. Put this offer on the table and let him decide if and when he wants to take it. This way he won't feel pressured to accept an offer when he's not prepared.

One of the best things you can do for him right now is to simply listen to him when he wants to talk, without giving him any advice or judging him. I suspect he feels he's not being heard, hence his angry outbursts. Keep in mind that working on yourself takes a lot of effort and accepting that he may have made mistakes that led to the breakdown of his relationship is a very bitter pill to swallow. He might not be ready to hear or accept this at this moment in time. He will need to accept it eventually before he moves on to another relationship inshaa'Allah.

[anonymous]

Its been several years and people who actually respects have spoken to him and have hit a brick wall. He apportions blame on others and one day it will be his ex wife the next day will be someone else.

I think his past the stage of entering another relationship and without being nasty it's a miracle his previous relationship lasted as long as it did given his underlying issues whatever they may be.

['Abdullah]

How old is this guy?
When did he divorce/ how many years ago?
What he does for his living?
Did he make any property of his own or has been a burden on his wife and family?
How old are his kids?

[anonymous]

His closer to 60 than 40...
Never really worked for the last 3 decades as far as i can remember. Struggles to maintain relationships. One day he'll be ok with someone then he'll become enemies of the same people over an entirely non issue.
Never owned a property and lived off government benefits most of his life.

[anonymous]

Kids are all adults and have had enough of the behaviour. He's even stopped his own kids from entering the house. Has been known to possess a vile tongue and intimidates people by forcing the ills of people he dislikes down others throats. If they disagree he'll cut ties with them too. A very extreme personality. No grey areas everything's black or white

['Abd-al Latif]

He has life regrets if he’s closer to 60. He needs a lot of help from his family. I’ll respond shortly inshaaAllah.

[anonymous]

I feel guilty that I've not been able to help him and now he's turned on me. Wallahi this is soul destroying on so many levels. Thank you for your input. Jazakallah

['Abd-al Latif]

I feel guilty that I've not been able to help him and now he's turned on me. Wallahi this is soul destroying on so many levels. Thank you for your input. Jazakallah

As I’ve mentioned earlier, he’s carrying a lot of hurt and you should try not to take things personally. It’s very difficult, I know but you’ve got to remember that these are his issues that he needs to work on.

['Abdullah]

Kids are all adults and have had enough of the behaviour. He's even stopped his own kids from entering the house. Has been known to possess a vile tongue and intimidates people by forcing the ills of people he dislikes down others throats. If they disagree he'll cut ties with them too. A very extreme personality. No grey areas everything's black or white

I assume that was his behavior with his relatives including his mother even before divorce? And probably the cause of his divorce as well?

[anonymous]

Yes behaviour has been apparent for a long time

['Abdullah]

Am I also right to assume that attempts have already been made to talk to this individual to be reasonable/respectful and allow other family members to visit their mom/grand mother but every time such a matter is brought up for discussion, this individual looses his temper and starts insulting others?
Am I also right to assume that he does not take care of her mother either and she has complained about it to her other children?
Am I also right to assume that apparently it looks like that his goal is to stay with his mother not to help her in old age but he has set his eyes on the property?
Am I right to assume that the mother wants him to leave her house?

[anonymous]

You are right upto the point that he does not care for his mother. I actually believe he does care for his mother but lacks the correct etiquette. Despite him being rude and disrespectful i actually believe he does care for her as stupid and contradictory as that may sound.

I also don't think he has eyes on the property but it's more of an ego trip as in he has the final say over who comes and goes. A very complex personality.

Also thw mother doesn't want to make him homeless. At the same time she utterly disagrees with his arrogance and has on numerous occasions sought help from other senior family members but this has been to np avail. I genuinely believe there's a deeprooted mental issue ans it's manifesting in a very ugly manner.

['Abdullah]

And sadly it is hard to change someone in their 60's. The only hope is in start practicing Islam.

[anonymous]

In 50s but still you'd think most have settled rather than acting lile6a rowdy teen.

['Abdullah]

Based on our conversation so far, I will advise not to call authorities on him. Rather try to solve the issue by involving all siblings & his mother. Family members who are close to him shall share their concerns and request him to be more accommodating for the sake of his mother and for the sake of other family members. Severing the ties will not only hurt him more but may also hurt his mother ( after all she is the mother and can't see his own child suffering). Family members should keep on visiting them regardless of how he behaves. It is best to keep the ties of kinship even when this person is hard to deal with. I know it can be hard but don't give up, keep visiting him and his mother. Regarding keeping the ties of Kinship, I want to quote few hadiths and hope these will help.

Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Al-Wasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."

حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ كَثِيرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا سُفْيَانُ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، وَالْحَسَنِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، وَفِطْرٍ، عَنْ مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو ـ وَقَالَ سُفْيَانُ لَمْ يَرْفَعْهُ الأَعْمَشُ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَرَفَعَهُ حَسَنٌ وَفِطْرٌ ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ لَيْسَ الْوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ، وَلَكِنِ الْوَاصِلُ الَّذِي إِذَا قَطَعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا ‏"‏‏.‏
Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari 5991
In-book reference: Book 78, Hadith 22
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Vol. 8, Book 73, Hadith 20
https://sunnah.com/bukhari/78/22

---

Abu Huraira reported that a person said:

Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness).

حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لاِبْنِ الْمُثَنَّى - قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْعَلاَءَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، يُحَدِّثُ عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي، هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَجُلاً، قَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَىَّ وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَىَّ ‏.‏ فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللَّهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏
Reference: Sahih Muslim 2558 a
In-book reference: Book 45, Hadith 25
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Book 32, Hadith 6204
https://sunnah.com/muslim/45/25

Invite him to pray, socialize with him and spend more time with him.
Try to convince him for counseling to fix his mental issues. It is quite possible that this individual may have deep psychological issues and social anxiety, therefore, seeking a professionals help is important.
Advise him to find an activity and goal, such as walking 3-5 miles every day. This will not only help him to have a positive mind set but will also provide other health related benefits.
Try to reach out to his kids and advise them to visit him more often ( this is the time when he needs them the most).
Make dua for him & remind yourself and others that we are doing this to please Allah SWT.

---

Finally, please have a look at the article below regarding Islamic law for inheritance. I know this was not your main concern or question but it came up during the conversation. I think its important that the inheritance be divided based on Islamic laws so that those who have left the inheritance may not be asked about it on the day of Judgement.
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/307/...th-inheritance

And Allah knows the best!
May Allah help this brother, his mother and other family members and help them to keep the ties of kinship even in hard times. Ameen!

Ma'aSalaam

['Abdullah]

I should also mention that Islam does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will cause problems.

And Allah knows the best!
Ma'aSalaam

[anonymous]

To add a bit more context the mother is elderly and sadly no longer independent. She requires assisitance and this can only realistically be provided by her daughters. Again he only allows them in begrudgingly as he knows there's no other option in terms of his mother being supported.

['Abdullah]

Is he the only son?
Can mom live with any of other kids ( daughters I assume)?
Where do they live, if you don’t mind asking? Seems like cultural values and traditions may be playing some role which does not allow mother to live with her other children.

This is why I initially suggested that sell the house, and divide the money between kids based on Islamic principals. This will allow this individual to live at his own in a smaller house or apartment and will also avoid future issues of dividing the inheritance after mother’s death.

[anonymous]

The youngest son of 2. The elder is largely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of the property and entirely disagrees with the behaviour.
This is another irony in that it's common knowledge the eldest handles his mother's paperwork and payment of bills, etc yet the youngest assumes full control by virtue of sleeping in the property.

['Abdullah]

Why not the mother move and start staying with the elder son? I understand that its her property but just to avoid any conflicts and keeping the ties of kinship, may be she should move out and start living with the elder son. Meantime, she can sell the property or write down a will to make sure everyone gets their share based on Islamic Law of Inheritance.

[anonymous]

Thats impractical as there's a lack of space at the elder brothers house and the mother is more comfortable in the family house. Ya allah have mercy on our state on this blessed of days.

['Abdullah]

Ameen!
May be the elder son should then move in to live with his mother? And younger one can move into the other house?