Am I depressed or do I have khushoo?

[Imraan]

Assalam walaikum,

I listen to recitations a lot, some reciters really do penetrate the heart, Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes tears collect in the eye or there are tears running down my face as I listen.

Most times it occurs when I recall the tafseer and wisdom of an ayat or chapter.

I feel it makes me weak... Emotionally

I need to be strong!

I want to be in denial about depression, I pray everyday to be saved from it.

Feeling the khushoo makes me feel very vulnerable...

When I read out suras or passages from quran with passion from my heart loudly as the reciters do, I emotionally break down inside, this stops me from reciting. Me not being a vocal person (introverted) might be putting myself at a disadvantage when reciting suras loudly. It happens more so when I know the meaning.....

Do I need to look at it differently?

Please remember me and my family in your prayers..... Jzk

['Abdullah]

Ibn 'Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "Two eyes will never be touched by the fire of Hell; an eye which weeps out of Fear of Allah and an eye which spends the night in guarding in the Cause of Allah ."

[At-Tirmidhi].

وعن ابن عباس، رضي الله عنهما قال‏:‏ سمعت رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول‏:‏ “عينان لا تمسهما النار عين بكت من خشية الله، وعين باتت تحرس في سبيل الله‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه الترمذي وقال‏:‏ حديث حسن‏.‏ ‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏
Reference : Riyad as-Salihin 1305
In-book reference : Book 11, Hadith 21

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Weeping in prayer means that you are strong, not weak. You are open enough to weep and have humility in front of Allah. There are people who may call others weak for crying and think they are strong because they don't cry, that is arrogant. It is hard to open up and show that we are hurt. It is a lot easier to act "strong" than it is to cry and talk about your problems to someone else.

WWhen you weep in prayer, you are connnecting with Allah. Keep it that way, May Allah keep that sincerity inside you.

[Imraan]

Weeping in prayer means that you are strong, not weak. You are open enough to weep and have humility in front of Allah. There are people who may call others weak for crying and think they are strong because they don't cry, that is arrogant. It is hard to open up and show that we are hurt. It is a lot easier to act "strong" than it is to cry and talk about your problems to someone else.

WWhen you weep in prayer, you are connnecting with Allah. Keep it that way, May Allah keep that sincerity inside you.

Has a knock on effect and makes me weak in reality. Im the opposite, I find it hard to act strong and easy to drown in my own vulnerabilities...

In this world, need to be strong in dealing with issues and calamities....

I pray I get stronger over time or being able to control it at least.

It could also stem from emotional trauma...

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[Imraan]

Ibn 'Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "Two eyes will never be touched by the fire of Hell; an eye which weeps out of Fear of Allah and an eye which spends the night in guarding in the Cause of Allah ."

[At-Tirmidhi].

وعن ابن عباس، رضي الله عنهما قال‏:‏ سمعت رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول‏:‏ “عينان لا تمسهما النار عين بكت من خشية الله، وعين باتت تحرس في سبيل الله‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه الترمذي وقال‏:‏ حديث حسن‏.‏ ‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏
Reference : Riyad as-Salihin 1305
In-book reference : Book 11, Hadith 21

I feel I cry out of sadness more than fear... But I express my vulnerabilities to Allah swt because I want to believe I am at his mercy and not anyone else's....

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Has a knock on effect and makes me weak in reality. Im the opposite, I find it hard to act strong and easy to drown in my own vulnerabilities...

In this world, need to be strong in dealing with issues and calamities....

I pray I get stronger over time or being able to control it at least.

It could also stem from emotional trauma...

Ah I see. Yeah, it may be easier for you to break down and cry than acting strong, but in reality that does show how strong you are. Emotional trauma is not easy to deal with, it's only natural for you to cry so much. But don't let that make you feel weak. All your past bad experiences have taken a toll on yourself and you are dealing with it.

If you are weeping in prayer, this is beloved. However, if you are broken to the point where it is effecting your lifestyle, you need to make changes. You talked about "drowning in your vulnerabilities".. So if your past experiences ARE having an impact on you as a person in a negative way, you need to take an approach and change that. The fact that you are TRYING is what makes you strong.

Otherwise, if you are vulnerable to all your traumas (whether major or minor) hitting you during prayer, this is a beautiful thing as long as it brings you closer to Allah. Sujud especially is where you can draw yourself closer to Allah and complain.