format_quote Originally Posted by
Muslimhuman
Salaam guys I would really like your help.
I have been getting waswas about shirk for a long time. And I feel like my connection to Allah has been getting worse and worse.But yesterday I wasnt getting much waswas, and I started reading the risale I nur coz I wanted to get rid of the waswas. But I feel that just made me worse, because it confused me. And this morning shaytan came with his waswas but I was reading the risale I nur, so I didnt fight back as hard as I usually would.
But my worry is this : is this shaytans waswas or me ? (Astagfirullah)
Now when I pray I dont feel the presence I used to , before I'd keep my eyes firmly fixed on the ground because I felt "something" was watching me. Now when I pray I find it easier for my eyes to "wander" even though I'm not moving them on purpose. I dont know how, but I took this as a sign that Allah was angry with me.
Also, the past couple of days I haven't been as tense as I used to be about committing kufr/shirk (astagfirullah!). And I feel I dont fear Allah anymore.And I take this as a sign my heart has become dead.
and my biggest fear (I shouldn't be writing this out loud I think)is this : when I say something and there is a slight hesitation, and I repeat it again and again, and I dont want that to be there but it is. Is that coming from shaytan or me?
I know this is waswas as before around 15 (when they started) I just believed in allah and I was fine.
At this point I am worried I'm not a muslim because of how bad my state is. I was always afraid of kufr/shirk. When the waswas started I would make the dua for protection against shirk after every prayer. I dont know how I got so bad. Is there any hope for me?
I've come to notice that many Muslims go through these problems unfortunately. It is a good thing that you are still hanging in there. But what can happen is that you will start getting too depressed and you do nothing about it and lose hope. When you feel your heart has hardened, you have to take steps to have this get cured. It'll take a lot of time.
But I have come to notice that the best thing to do is change your mindset. Whenever you get a problem, if you sincerely take it as a test from Allah, it automatically becomes easier. But the problem is, when it comes to hardship from waswas, this is a skill of the mind you have to master. Your mind may trick you into believing that this isn't a test and trial, or that there is no point. But those thoughts are apart of the test. So you may not give in to them or else you will keep falling.
An example of mine is sometimes I will get angry and depressed all of a sudden because I start disliking my religion and thinking too many wrong things about it. I could take it as a test and trial and struggle, but I do not. Instead I fall for waswas and start to believe there is no point in thinking that way and following a religion you don't like. Then I get angry and depressing thoughts.
It all comes down to this
You have two choices
1.) Suck it up and realize that this is the only thing you can do to save yourself. That is to take it as a test and trial, even if you are so doubtful, just put your trust in Allah even if you are too blind to see why you should. Push the thoughts away as much as you can and don't feel guilty about reoccurring thoughts because they aren't from you even if you think they are. After, make a plan to make your heart soften. If you want, we can make another forum about the plan
2.) Let your thoughts get to you and make you feel guilty and hopeless. This option will slowly pull you down
The two biggest fitnas in our deen
1.) Desires
2.) Doubts
They can both be very powerful