The problem with that statement is that in the opposite side she may not be in the same level as you, and she believe because she is a FEMALE she is expected and demand that she is respected and treated like a queen.
I think you're taking it to the extreme. The reason why I said "
With an attitude of respecting and being very kind to someone only if you get it first, it can make you bound to fail" is because sometimes people eventually realize that you genuinely care so they will do the same back. I used to have a bad relationship with some family members, but after becoming religious i had the "change myself first" mentality. Instead of thinking about how I would be better to them if THEY tried FIRST. I did it first and it made a big difference. Even with my siblings whom I love, sometimes they make me really mad. I just overlook it and the next two times it happens, then maybe I'll get annoyed by them and call them out
Partners both need to feel respected by each other. I'm just saying that if you play the "you respect me first and I will do it back" game, its gonna cause problems. Because both the man and woman could be thinking that the other partner is being arrogant by not being respectful. This could eventually build up and get worse. Haven't you heard the quote that "respect isn't given, it is earned". If someone senses that you have that type of "respect me first" mentality, it'll sound arrogant and you will only push the person away.
Such arrogant thinking, such hotly attitude, such I am superior over you mentality
Now all the things about this, abuse, etc. that you were explaining. I mean yes, if someone is abusing you severely like that, going out of your way for them isn't ideal for you which I understand
(but sometimes the person could be abusing you because of what you have done to them. So then you would have to change yourself) . If you have tried all options to solve the problem then the person isn't right for you. But everything you were saying, there was a lot of abuse.. These cases aren't the majority. If you go to find a spouse, I'm pretty sure an average good Muslim lady wouldn't act like that. There are plenty of good ladies I have seen. These good ladies DO want respect from their husbands. And there isn't anything wrong with that. They just want respect from their husbands as they would give their husbands respect. Because they love each other. Not because one is female or one is male.
.I need that...golden shining apple on top of that tree to work hard to climb it
If that is what you really want and it works out for you, that's your preference and that is good if you find someone. But you should know that there will be times where this shining apple won't respect you sometimes even after you worked hard to climb that tree. Because will be problems in relationships sometimes even if the people are very devout towards treating each other kindly. So what would happen then? Would you automatically forget about climbing the tree and disrespect your wife back?
And vice versa, there will be times where you might disrespect this shining apple when you have your own problems.
How would you feel if she disrespected you back and started arguing. Wouldn't you want her to overlook your mistakes instead so you guys could peacefully compromise?
Both partners need to try, sometimes they wont always get the respect they deserve, but for the most part it should be ok if they both try.
And for the whole arrogance thing, it is really being taken to the extreme. Some people are jerks, it's like that on both sides, where ever you go. There are plenty of good Muslims in the West that you can find