Oh my heart goes out to you so big right now. I can feel your pain and I can hear where you're coming from. Depression is one of the worst places to be. I pray you have someone to reach out to and a strong support network. I pray you are receiving proper treatment and that you have a good healthcare provider and counseling available to you.
You probably hear on the regular that you're loved and all that...but you don't feel it.
Allah does love you. What's more is, he is there for you. You are lonely but never ever alone.
Allah shows you his presence and love and mercy all the time. But when you're stuck in the blackness, how can you see?
Maybe you can see it with your heart. And the greatest proof of all, the quran. I am not qualified to quote it or anything else, but from my own humble observations
Have you noticed that when the trees are all naked in winter and the landscapes look pretty dead and bleak, spring comes round and life is restored? Pretty unspectacular at first but... he gives life to the dead (3:27)
Thy lord does not hate thee nor has he forsaken thee (93:3)
Oh that beautiful book is so full of proof of his love and mercy. We know it, right?
Now how to feel it?
Start small....keep up your prayers. Pray on time, pray and cry on the rug if that's what you feel. When I get deep in that space, I find myself praying 8, 9, 10 times a day! You need your sujood.
When did you last really contemplate the meaning of Allahs words and what they mean? The brothers and sisters here know so much about that. They can help you learn so much. You believe it's true. You believe Allah is the truth. So, then why shouldn't his promises of mercy, protection and all the good stuff apply to you as well?
The questions you have are not something I can hope to answer because I don't think there is an absolute answer.
You feel unloved/unwanted/alone, etc. And the opposite is something you also have to feel. Allah can help you with that. Pray for his guidance and mercy. Pray for his protection from evil and from the darkness we have within us. Pray for the ability to see beyond the blackness you are in now. He will guide you. He will. You have to believe that
Read the quran, if only a few verses a day. Let it speak to your heart and touch your soul.
What helped me in a practical manner was also to listen to my favorite reciter or watch short videos from different lecturers. If only ten minutes, but it was a start. Instead of asking why is this happening, ask what am I supposed to learn. And yes, actually forcing myself to go outside and walk around the block. While eating an apple. Depression had me starving myself without realizing it. Vitamins and fresh air are so important though. Lack of makes it even worse.
You are a beautiful and wonderful soul. Allah knew that when you were created and he never makes a mistake. Please remember that.
I apologize for such a big post, but that's me, I write a lot. I pray for you and I pray this will pass very soon and you can see the light again. May Allah bless you and guide you and keep you safe.
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