i feel extremely devalued he even said that he was going to bring it up to me and if I said no then he would have dropped it but literally that day you were telling me you wanted to divorce me before I even found out about any of this and also he had been very cold to me and telling me he is already out the door
Can you rephrase this sentence? I don't get what you're trying to say in here.
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I'm sorry it seems like you are going through a really tough time right now. The first thing I want you to know is that what your husband did was impermissible. Now I don't know how he found that girl online in the first place, but he should not be freely talking/emotionally opening up to any random non mahrem female. Look at the impact that it caused. After he started talking to another girl, he started becoming more cold, which is wrong of him to do. I'm sure you've already confronted him about this. On top of that, he also lied to both you AND the other girl he was talking to.
You've already told your husband b4 marriage that you don't want a co-wife, you need to rebring this up to him. If he made a promise to you, he should keep it. It is good he stopped talking to the girl, but you said he only stopped talking because she isn't a very loyal girl. Tell your husband about this. Let him know that he shouldn't look for another wife because it's something you clarified with him. You also need to talk to him about how he should've stopped talking to that girl in the first place, not just because she wasn't the loyal girl he wanted. He could possibly do the same thing with another girl if he gets the chance.
Now, one thing to think about is if there has been anything wrong you've done. I am not excusing his behavior by the way.
He said that you were emotionally unavailable to him? Is this true? Have you made an effort to help him with his problems? If it does get too much, you said he has a therapist right? So I say you should try to help him with his issues, and leave the overwhelming stuff up to his *MALE* therapist. Do you know how you have been emotionally unavailable to him? Ask him about it
Another thing, you two need to calmly talk things out without getting too heated. Let him consider the fact that it is harder to be emotionally available to someone who betrayed you. He started being cold especially when he started talking to that girl. He is wrong as well. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing to him
And most importantly, get a Muslim marriage counselor. You can talk about all your concerns. And if you are thinking about divorce, you can bring it up and settle it with the counselor and hear them out.
He really has no excuse for what he has done because he freely talking to a non mahrem female in ways he shouldn't have. He had his own therapist, going to another girl will not solve his problems. Especially if you have tried to help him emotionally. Has he tried coming out to you for help with his problems?