There is something profoundly wrong about our Asian culture

[anonymous]

I wanted your opinion on this and i am sure many can relate. Here’s my story.

I grew up in Pakistan. I came to the UK when I was 12 because my family weren’t doing very well in Pakistan, even though my mums a Doctor, who graduated from home. My mum has always been the main breadwinner of the family. However, she struggled to provide financially because of the increased nepotism and corruption in the country. She has always been honest and hardworking. Herself, comes from a poor background who couldn’t afford good schooling. So she worked her way around.

Anyway, my mum came to the UK to get postgraduate experience so she can get a better job back home. However, decided to stay because of the opportunities mainly better education.

I have always been a really hard worker from a young age. However, because of my background i have always felt at a disadvantage. For-example, when i came to the UK my parents transferred me out of a good public school and into a terrible private Islamic school because, naturally, they were afraid that i would get influenced by the western culture. This school was a new built charity funded and lacked basic things such as properly trained teacher and resources such as a science and IT lab. Therefore, coming from abroad I barely spoke English and needed extra support which the school couldn’t provide. I ended up with bad GCSE grades, merely qualifying to study A-levels. Thankfully, my sixth form was public but that too was of the lowest standard. I couldn’t pick myself up in the two years i was there as i needed extra help. I do believe that I worked as hard as i could those years. I read every book in the library, had no friends not that i had any social skills anyway. I also had to repeat my English GCSE whilst at sixth form. In fact, my sixth form teacher was very surprised that i was retaking as in her own works “I was capable of passing the first time around”, though just required a little support and help from my previous school. Instead, they thought wise for the sake of statistics to drop me from English lit. Anywho, lit wasn’t a core subject so i didn’t care.
I couldn’t get into Medicine because i didn’t have the excellent grades, nor the extra curricular like other candidates. My sixth form merely provided interview help. There was only one student that got into medicine from my sixth form that year. I got interviewed at one university but rejected. I wasn’t allowed to volunteer like other people because my parents were more concerned about sheltering me. I did raise the issue of schooling with parents but they were against public schools because it was “risky”. I never understood the risk because all i wanted was a good education, encouraging teachers, permission to attend after school homework clubs so I could get complements. My mum has always held the belief that because she attended rubbish schools but still made it so why can’t we.

As i was very passionate and miserable due to not getting into medicine in the UK, my mum put into my head that there was a possibility of studying abroad in Europe and that she could fund my education. Of course, my dad and brother were completely against the idea as I have lived a very sheltered, protective and conservative life. But i had to blackmail my mum seeing as how she paid for my brothers education and that she had to makeup for all the shitty school she sent me to. Plus, I was very passionate, its all I’ve ever wanted to do. I was depressed without it. So I went abroad for six years to do just that. Again, this university was horrible. It was very hard but i made it.

When i came back to the UK my parents didn’t let me work because they wanted me married first. I waited three years to find a suitable suitor before getting my “freedom”. In fact, i was being forced to marry my cousin. After much patience, my parents finally let me marry whom i wanted.

I just feel like being south Asian and being a girl has lead to this dolmino effect of being stuck behind everyone. I’ve been at such a disadvantage when compared to my peers. I honestly envy them. I am now working in the UK but even than my first job is in a such a crappy place and it was sooo difficult to find because of the three years gap I’ve had and the fact that I’ve graduated from abroad. I’ve much younger colleagues working with me. I am struggling to find my second job as a result with pressure from in laws and husband.

I would have studied in the UK had i not been taken out of the public school and put into shitty Islamic girls school all because i am a girl and i had to be sheltered. My job is so stressful because of the crappy university i went to. I have learnt absolutely nothing this year and feel like a terrible Doctor. Actually, to a point where i am like what’s the point? Why not just conform to the social Asian girl stereotype and be a housewife. I feel like there’s no encouragement from my family. There’s this constant pressure from family and culture that you much rather be a wife and a mum than a successful working woman like my ENTIRE LIFE.

I resent my family and culture so much in that sense. I know for a fact that if I was a boy, it would have been so much easier for me. Had i expressed I wanted to be a doctor and with this much passion, everyone would have been like “wow mashallah what a lad!!”
I mean not once did my family ever come and visit me abroad when i was studying there. I had only my mum attend the graduation. Meanwhile, my colleagues had their ten generations attend their graduation. And now, my mum only asks when i am having kids, she isn’t concerned about what my career plans are.

I just feel that there’s profoundly wrong with our south Asian culture and practice because i know many girls a lot more capable than me who’ve been reduced to being housewife’s and mothers. There’s a lot of sexism and inequality. This isn’t Islam. It isn’t at all. Islam wants a woman to be well rounded. Yes, her first duties are to be an excellent wife and mother. BUT no one aspires to be an outstanding wife or mother from a young age. Your mum doesn’t tell you nor teach you that when you grow up you have to be an outstanding mother or wife. And lets be truthful most of us LACK that hugely when we’re married. We’re like substandard if that.

And i know I should be grateful. I am only where i am had it not been for my family. I am very grateful, alhamdulilah. But there’s a lesson to be learnt from all this.

Sorry for the long post.

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum dear sister,

I hope you and your family are well insha Allah.

I think we can only truly appreciate how difficult it is being a parent when we become one ourselves. Alhamdulillah it's clear to see your parents love you a lot Alhamdulillah. Most of us especially girls have had extra protection and perhaps extra rules placed upon us but Alhamdulillah it has been for our own benefit tbh especially in today's society!!!

You may need to work on your resentment, anger, hurt, envy etc. Accept the situation for what it is. Look deep within and think about what you want for your future and start working towards your goals of course, within the remit of Islam insha Allah.

Even though you may have had a crappy educational experience and experienced extra hurdles and difficulties in your way i think you've done exceptionally well because your a doctor now Alhamdulillah. So focus your energy on the present. All the hard work and obstacles you've faced will make you a stronger person insha Allah.

P.S - i know this is random but these past few days/weeks we are getting news that so and so has passed away etc. Even today we got a call at 5am with another death announcement. When we're on our death bed we won't worry about these trivial things. We'll be worrying have i done enough? ☹

May Allah swt help you overcome the negative feelings Ameen!