Parents doesnt accept my "wife"

[Farhad]

I’m going through a though period in my life and I’m trying to do istekhara, but with no luck yet.


I´m going to try to keep myself short.
I have found a girl that I´ve felt in love with, but my parents doesn’t want us to marry.
I am an Afghan muslim living in Sweden, and the girl is swedish and has converted to Islam.
We have not done anything Sexually etc and I have made it clear that I will with for marriage.


Since the girl is muslim now, she obviously stays away from things such as alcohol, pork etc. She has started praying and also fasted during ramadan the past 2 years. She also studies arabic and has a lot of muslims friends, and is well aware of my culture.


Anyways, the reason my parents rejects this girl is only because of her not being afghan. They are very cultural people and want me to marry a girl from my parents caste. I feel this is very outdatet and a negativ thing to do to. To marry someone just because of caste.
This girl has during the past year made my relationship with Allah better and I’m much better at praying and she constantly tells me to pray, respect my parents etc.. she is a good girl with a good heart. I´ve known her for almost 6 years, and even before I liked her, she wasn´t drinking, eating pork etc. I also never forced her to convert, but this is something she did by herself.


I have tried speaking with my family and told her that she has a good heart, but they feel she won’t fit in and doesn’t want to met/talk to her personally either. They have threatened to disown me as a son and will cut off all contacts with me. In example, They’re saying they will take my younger sister out of medical school because of me and make her life harder because of me if I marry her.


Nevertheless, they forward me a voice message from another afghan Mufti where he says that this girl will take me away from my deen and that if my parents want me to divorce my future wife, I should to that. Because parents voice matter a lot.
I agree it matters a lot, but should my happiness also have something to say? I’ve tried reasoning with them, but they’re basically ignoring the islamic part and only talks about cultural now. How can only an afghan muslim be good for me, and not another muslima?


It´s only been 2 weeks since I told them, so I hope with time they will change their mind, but this I´m of course concerned about my future, the girls future and my parents health regarding this.
I have thought about leaving this girl, but I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without her, but at the same time I can’t imagine a life without my family.


Do you have any tip for me on what to do? I´ve tried contacting several muftis online, so im awaiting answer from those as well.
I´ve read about this case online etc, and most of them are saying that marrying this girl is halal, but I should also listen to my parents and have their blessing. Which I agree on, I ´do want their blessing before marrying her.
This afghan mufti just says that I should leave her and doesn´t really answer any of my arguments or reasons with me. He basically only says "Do what your parent says". done.
That doesn´t really help, and I also suspect he doesnt understand the western culture much either. A converted person isn´t to be compared to a girl that parties and drinks etc. Not everyone are the same, which I feel he think- as well as my parents.


Jazakallah khair for all opinions and tips.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum,

It is not your parent's fault that you fell in love with this girl. You should have been more careful about your feelings and protected yourself from fitnah.
It is not wrong for you to marry the girl since she is a practicing Muslim, but your parents should come first and it's your responsibility to make them feel comfortable with the idea.

If you have prayed istikhara then you need to understand that if there are difficulties standing in your way, then its a sign that perhaps this is not the marriage for you, and Allah is moving you away from the marriage. HOwever if the situation becomes easy then Allah is moving you closer to it and is making it easier to obtain marriage. Either way you have to be accepting of the result.

I think you should be patient with your parents and try to convince them. Also you should draw a distance between you and the girl because whether you marry her or not, you have to have boundaries right now. You seem to be close to your family and trust me, you'd want them to accept your wife and to love her just as they love you. OTherwise it would not be fair on your wife to be judged and outcast from your family. Think of the bigger picture. Maybe it would help if your mother met her in person? It might open her mind towards the idea.

This link might be of some help: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9876...t-their-wishes

Inshallah things go well for you.

[manofIslam]

You should have been more careful about your feelings and protected yourself from fitnah.

Dear Sister,

With the utmost respect to you, dear sister: isn't this a little bit harsh on him?! I mean, we all, as humans, tend to fall in love, at some stage, don't we?

Anyway, I'm happy to be corrected as always, sister.

[manofIslam]

I’m going through a though period in my life and I’m trying to do istekhara, but with no luck yet.


I´m going to try to keep myself short.
I have found a girl that I´ve felt in love with, but my parents doesn’t want us to marry.
I am an Afghan muslim living in Sweden, and the girl is swedish and has converted to Islam.
We have not done anything Sexually etc and I have made it clear that I will with for marriage.


Since the girl is muslim now, she obviously stays away from things such as alcohol, pork etc. She has started praying and also fasted during ramadan the past 2 years. She also studies arabic and has a lot of muslims friends, and is well aware of my culture.


Anyways, the reason my parents rejects this girl is only because of her not being afghan. They are very cultural people and want me to marry a girl from my parents caste. I feel this is very outdatet and a negativ thing to do to. To marry someone just because of caste.
This girl has during the past year made my relationship with Allah better and I’m much better at praying and she constantly tells me to pray, respect my parents etc.. she is a good girl with a good heart. I´ve known her for almost 6 years, and even before I liked her, she wasn´t drinking, eating pork etc. I also never forced her to convert, but this is something she did by herself.


I have tried speaking with my family and told her that she has a good heart, but they feel she won’t fit in and doesn’t want to met/talk to her personally either. They have threatened to disown me as a son and will cut off all contacts with me. In example, They’re saying they will take my younger sister out of medical school because of me and make her life harder because of me if I marry her.


Nevertheless, they forward me a voice message from another afghan Mufti where he says that this girl will take me away from my deen and that if my parents want me to divorce my future wife, I should to that. Because parents voice matter a lot.
I agree it matters a lot, but should my happiness also have something to say? I’ve tried reasoning with them, but they’re basically ignoring the islamic part and only talks about cultural now. How can only an afghan muslim be good for me, and not another muslima?


It´s only been 2 weeks since I told them, so I hope with time they will change their mind, but this I´m of course concerned about my future, the girls future and my parents health regarding this.
I have thought about leaving this girl, but I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without her, but at the same time I can’t imagine a life without my family.


Do you have any tip for me on what to do? I´ve tried contacting several muftis online, so im awaiting answer from those as well.
I´ve read about this case online etc, and most of them are saying that marrying this girl is halal, but I should also listen to my parents and have their blessing. Which I agree on, I ´do want their blessing before marrying her.
This afghan mufti just says that I should leave her and doesn´t really answer any of my arguments or reasons with me. He basically only says "Do what your parent says". done.
That doesn´t really help, and I also suspect he doesnt understand the western culture much either. A converted person isn´t to be compared to a girl that parties and drinks etc. Not everyone are the same, which I feel he think- as well as my parents.


Jazakallah khair for all opinions and tips.

You're in my Du'aa, dear brother; I can imagine this would be very stressful and upsetting for you! May ALLAH (S.W.T.) ease your burden for you.

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[Revert alYunani]

Do you have any tip for me on what to do?

1.pray tahajjud everyday,fast as much as you can,AS MUCH AS YOU CAN,keep making duaa everywhere,walking,eating,working,praying,breaking the fast and especially on tahajjud...strenghen the connection with Allah and pray to him to fix this issue
2.pray istikhara and what charisma said about istikhara

You're in my Du'aa, dear brother; I can imagine this would be very stressful and upsetting for you! May ALLAH (S.W.T.) ease your burden for you.

Salam alaikum brother,i have noticed many people are in your duaa,and you seem like a very nice brother.May i be on your duaas as well? I am also going through stressful situations..jazakhAllahu Khair :)..In shaa Allah i will make dua a for you too

[manofIslam]

1.pray tahajjud everyday,fast as much as you can,AS MUCH AS YOU CAN,keep making duaa everywhere,walking,eating,working,praying,breaking the fast and especially on tahajjud...strenghen the connection with Allah and pray to him to fix this issue
2.pray istikhara and what charisma said about istikhara



Salam alaikum brother,i have noticed many people are in your duaa,and you seem like a very nice brother.May i be on your duaas as well? I am also going through stressful situations..jazakhAllahu Khair :)..In shaa Allah i will make dua a for you too

Waalaikum Assalam, dear brother: Yes, of course you can be in my Du'aa! You're in my Du'aa, now, dear brother, and I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through a stressful time.

[*charisma*]

Dear Sister,

With the utmost respect to you, dear sister: isn't this a little bit harsh on him?! I mean, we all, as humans, tend to fall in love, at some stage, don't we?

Anyway, I'm happy to be corrected as always, sister.

My intention is not to be harsh nor soft. I just say what's real. This is why people ask others for perspective. I like to lay everything out on the table.

[manofIslam]

My intention is not to be harsh nor soft. I just say what's real. This is why people ask others for perspective. I like to lay everything out on the table.

Yes; my apologies, sister; Jazak Allah khair.

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum

It's obviously against our deen to reject somone simply because of thier race or caste. That's wrong. Whilst some parents may genuinely have a dislike for other races, most parents really want their kids to marry from the same race in order for there to be mutual understanding and harmony. These days amongst the youth there's not much cultural differences tbh.

I'm not sure which sheikhs your parents are listening to because no islamic sheikh will advocate forced marriages. The below YT channel is from an authentic sheikh. You could send this video to your parents as it provides general advice not to delay the marriage. Hopefully you understand the dialect.



You need to either cut off all ties with this girl or hasten the marriage because you don't want to die in a state of sin. Try and reach out to someone elderly in your community who may be able to reason with your parents in a compassionate manner. Pray to Allah swt constantly. Ask Allah swt to guide you and to remove the obstacles in your way. Ameen.

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Dear Sister,

With the utmost respect to you, dear sister: isn't this a little bit harsh on him?! I mean, we all, as humans, tend to fall in love, at some stage, don't we?

Anyway, I'm happy to be corrected as always, sister.

Assalamu alaykum brother, inshaAllah you understand this point

She was trying to give advice, not in a harsh way. It is not good to get emotionally attached to someone before marriage. Because your love and attachment for someone will make you ignore their bad sides and you may end up getting married for the wrong reason. Many Muslims fall into the fitna of falling in love but when they realize they have to cut this person off... It becomes a burden that causes a heart ache because they are too emotionally attached.

[Islami.Mu'mina]

but your parents should come first and it's your responsibility to make them feel comfortable with the idea.

Assalamu alaykum, I agree with everything you said but I feel like this statement is a bit difficult

When it comes to marriage, shouldn't you be thinking about the piety of the person?? Some parents will not accept this no matter what. They will not agree with you marrying the person you want even if this person is pious. I don't think this applies in all situations because it can be practically impossible for some people

[manofIslam]

Assalamu alaykum brother, inshaAllah you understand this point

She was trying to give advice, not in a harsh way. It is not good to get emotionally attached to someone before marriage. Because your love and attachment for someone will make you ignore their bad sides and you may end up getting married for the wrong reason. Many Muslims fall into the fitna of falling in love but when they realize they have to cut this person off... It becomes a burden that causes a heart ache because they are too emotionally attached.

Waalaikum Assalam, sister,

Yes, I see what you and sister Charisma mean, now; please accept my sincere apologies; what you said makes perfect sense.

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Waalaikum Assalam, sister,

Yes, I see what you and sister Charisma mean, now; please accept my sincere apologies; what you said makes perfect sense.

No need to apologize for asking questions brother, JazakAllahu khayran

[IslamLife00]

May Allah make it easy for you to find a wife that is good for you and you good for her, in this dunya and akhira

I agree with BetheChange's advice.

Please read this : https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1378...-the-same-race

Quoted from link above :

Hence it should become clear to you that Islam does not discriminate between one Muslim and another by any earthly standards, whether that be colour, lineage, wealth or country. Rather the only criterion by which people are regarded as superior to others before Allaah is taqwa (piety, consciousness of Allaah). Indeed, the sharee’ah commands the guardian of a woman, if a person comes to propose marriage who is religiously-committed and of good character and attitude, to hasten to arrange the marriage, and to beware of rejecting him and not accepting him, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry your daughter [or female relative under your care] to him, for if you do not do that then there will be much tribulation and mischief in the land.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what if there is some other objection?” He said, “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry your daughter [or female relative under your care] to him,” three times.

Nothing against the girl who is a revert - I am a revert as well - but you said you knew her since before she reverted.
There shouldn't be relationship between man and woman outside marriage. Look for a spouse in a permissible way, it's much better for you in the long run.