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iammuslim98
04-10-2021, 08:13 AM
Aoa. I did istikhara multiple times for this marriage proposal and i am still confused. How doni know what road God has selected for me. It is eating me from the inside
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'Abd-al Latif
04-10-2021, 09:06 AM
Your confusion and doubt is the answer. If it was meant to be, it would’ve happened quickly.
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iammuslim98
04-10-2021, 11:59 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
Your confusion and doubt is the answer. If it was meant to be, it would’ve happened quickly.
Aoa. I am scared for so many reasons i have always feared marriage. So my apprehension or confusion does not seem new to me.i did istikhara because i heard Alllah automatically clears the way if He wants sething to happen. Should i keep doing istikhara. Or what?
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'Abd-al Latif
04-16-2021, 05:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by iammuslim98
Aoa. I am scared for so many reasons i have always feared marriage. So my apprehension or confusion does not seem new to me.i did istikhara because i heard Alllah automatically clears the way if He wants sething to happen. Should i keep doing istikhara. Or what?
:salamext:

I'm sorry for responding so late. I didn't get a notification for some reason to say you had posted a message.

I think it's important to make a distinction between a suitor and fear of being in a relationship. If you're not uncomfortable sharing, what exactly are you afraid of about marriage?
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iammuslim98
04-16-2021, 06:10 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
:salamext:

I'm sorry for responding so late. I didn't get a notification for some reason to say you had posted a message.

I think it's important to make a distinction between a suitor and fear of being in a relationship. If you're not uncomfortable sharing, what exactly are you afraid of about marriage?


W.a .it's a life long commitment, and then if i go to jannat i will get him there as well..my parents' marriage is a disaster..the only reason my other is so eager to get me married is so that she can leave my father once and for all. This guy is not my type. At all. But i guess misery is my fate.
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'Abd-al Latif
04-16-2021, 06:33 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by iammuslim98
W.a .it's a life long commitment, and then if i go to jannat i will get him there as well..my parents' marriage is a disaster..the only reason my other is so eager to get me married is so that she can leave my father once and for all. This guy is not my type. At all. But i guess misery is my fate.
There's quite a lot unpack here so let's take this step by step


  1. What is it about a life long commitment that scares you?
  2. You don't have to live married life the way you parents do. You learn what makes you happy with your spouse as you go along. You work together, make mistakes, learn, grow, and move forward with life.
  3. Don't marry someone because your mother wants to leave your father (this is a completely separate topic in itself), especially when you don't like the suitor. Marry a man you like.
  4. Don't burden yourself by taking on the responsibility of taking someone else to jannah. Focus on your relationship with Allah, fix what is between you and Him, and leave the affairs of everyone else to Allah.
  5. The believer is always positive and hopefully of Allah's mercy and always expects the best from Allah. Hope and pray that you marry someone you like and that you will have a happy life. Reflect on the blessings you've already got and do not assume that your trials and tribulations are a punishment from Allah. It is likely that Allah wants to bring you greater blessings and happiness through difficulties and hardships you might be facing now. Keep in mind the following ayaah:


'...but it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know do not know..' (2:216)

'Be not sad, surely Allah is with us.' (9:40)

'Certainly no one despairs of Allah’s Mercy, except the people who disbelieve' (12:87)
Reply

iammuslim98
04-16-2021, 11:59 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
There's quite a lot unpack here so let's take this step by step


  1. What is it about a life long commitment that scares you?
  2. You don't have to live married life the way you parents do. You learn what makes you happy with your spouse as you go along. You work together, make mistakes, learn, grow, and move forward with life.
  3. Don't marry someone because your mother wants to leave your father (this is a completely separate topic in itself), especially when you don't like the suitor. Marry a man you like.
  4. Don't burden yourself by taking on the responsibility of taking someone else to jannah. Focus on your relationship with Allah, fix what is between you and Him, and leave the affairs of everyone else to Allah.
  5. The believer is always positive and hopefully of Allah's mercy and always expects the best from Allah. Hope and pray that you marry someone you like and that you will have a happy life. Reflect on the blessings you've already got and do not assume that your trials and tribulations are a punishment from Allah. It is likely that Allah wants to bring you greater blessings and happiness through difficulties and hardships you might be facing now. Keep in mind the following ayaah:


'...but it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know do not know..' (2:216)

'Be not sad, surely Allah is with us.' (9:40)

'Certainly no one despairs of Allah’s Mercy, except the people who disbelieve' (12:87)


Aoa. Its not a burden its a wish. Because obviously this is wht we want to go to jannat in the end.. life long commitment seeems like eternity if u dont like the person .i dont like him one bit. Religiously he has never even recited the quran. And everything else is just abhorrent. Talks weird . Doesnt have a job.just annoying
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'Abd-al Latif
04-17-2021, 02:10 AM
The answer is clear, don’t you think?
Reply

Labayk
04-17-2021, 02:54 AM
Assalam alykum

Istikharah is powerful. I have never made a decision based on istikharah that I came later to regret, ever. I've made plenty of decisions without istikharah that I did regret. I myself witnessed a multitude of failed marriages in the past from both my mother and father. They divorced when I was two years old. After that, each one suffered something like 5 failed marriages. Me and my family are convinced that the last wife my dad had was the direct reason why he died. The second husband my mom married after my dad was in and...in of prison since I ever knew him for drinking offenses. He in fact killed his own cousin in a drunk driving accident but still didn't stop drinking. The man my mother is married to now (many marriages later) is, to keep a long story short, a loser.

Because of this and seeing what both of parents went through, I swore to myself that I will either marry someone good or I WILL NOT marry anyone at all. I realized that a lifetime of loneliness is far less of a problem than to be with someone who is not good. I didn't treat marriage as something to pursue but left the issue alone and if the opportunity would arise, I would make istikharah and go for it. To make an even longer story short, I eventually proposed (after istikharah) to my first and current wife. We have been very happily married now for about 10 years, and even though we have gone through some very turbulent times together, things have gone well for us.

Don't marry for the sake of your mother or anyone else except Allah. It is well known that the consent of the woman is obligatory for the marriage to proceed. If anyone tries to force you or pressure you against your will to marry someone, then that is thulm on their part.

Aoa. Its not a burden its a wish. Because obviously this is wht we want to go to jannat in the end.. life long commitment seeems like eternity if u dont like the person .i dont like him one bit. Religiously he has never even recited the quran. And everything else is just abhorrent. Talks weird . Doesnt have a job.just annoying
I would say that your istikharah has been answered, but honestly, one could argue here, that their was never any need to make istikharah in the first place. No attachment to the Quran? Khalas. Pass this one by. Doesn't have a job? So no deen and no dunya. So this one isn't going to help you get into Jannah. It sounds like you would have to drag him there yourself and even then it's doubtful he would get in. You want someone whom you could help when he is down and will pick you up when you are down. Him being the man, you want someone who is going to lead YOU into Jannah.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with making Dua' to Allah that Allah bring a suitor that is...suitable which is very easy for Allah. Don't pay any attention to this guy and don't put yourself in doomsday scenarios by imagining yourself these kind of guys, every time one of them passes you by. You don't have to marry them.

This is personal, but my wife actually had a similar situation where multiple guys would propose before me and she would make istikharah and she said every time she did that, she would become very scared and even sometimes cry. But that didn't happen with me. :shade:

Be patient and wait to marry someone good and remember, this will be the father of your kids.
Reply

iammuslim98
04-17-2021, 07:23 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Labayk
Assalam alykum

Istikharah is powerful. I have never made a decision based on istikharah that I came later to regret, ever. I've made plenty of decisions without istikharah that I did regret. I myself witnessed a multitude of failed marriages in the past from both my mother and father. They divorced when I was two years old. After that, each one suffered something like 5 failed marriages. Me and my family are convinced that the last wife my dad had was the direct reason why he died. The second husband my mom married after my dad was in and...in of prison since I ever knew him for drinking offenses. He in fact killed his own cousin in a drunk driving accident but still didn't stop drinking. The man my mother is married to now (many marriages later) is, to keep a long story short, a loser.

Because of this and seeing what both of parents went through, I swore to myself that I will either marry someone good or I WILL NOT marry anyone at all. I realized that a lifetime of loneliness is far less of a problem than to be with someone who is not good. I didn't treat marriage as something to pursue but left the issue alone and if the opportunity would arise, I would make istikharah and go for it. To make an even longer story short, I eventually proposed (after istikharah) to my first and current wife. We have been very happily married now for about 10 years, and even though we have gone through some very turbulent times together, things have gone well for us.

Don't marry for the sake of your mother or anyone else except Allah. It is well known that the consent of the woman is obligatory for the marriage to proceed. If anyone tries to force you or pressure you against your will to marry someone, then that is thulm on their part.



I would say that your istikharah has been answered, but honestly, one could argue here, that their was never any need to make istikharah in the first place. No attachment to the Quran? Khalas. Pass this one by. Doesn't have a job? So no deen and no dunya. So this one isn't going to help you get into Jannah. It sounds like you would have to drag him there yourself and even then it's doubtful he would get in. You want someone whom you could help when he is down and will pick you up when you are down. Him being the man, you want someone who is going to lead YOU into Jannah.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with making Dua' to Allah that Allah bring a suitor that is...suitable which is very easy for Allah. Don't pay any attention to this guy and don't put yourself in doomsday scenarios by imagining yourself these kind of guys, every time one of them passes you by. You don't have to marry them.

This is personal, but my wife actually had a similar situation where multiple guys would propose before me and she would make istikharah and she said every time she did that, she would become very scared and even sometimes cry. But that didn't happen with me. :shade:

Be patient and wait to marry someone good and remember, this will be the father of your kids.
Aoa. Brother, everyone keeps telling me that Allah's blessing. Women after a certain age dont evennfrt appropriate proposals and what not. My heart is so unhappy that i cry every day. I am scared my father will beat me if i say no. I know this guy is not the one. People say i m clinging on to wishful thinking that the man I want or desire will come somehow magically.. Their fmily just wants a maid who will coook and clean for them.
Reply

Labayk
04-17-2021, 12:26 PM
Aoa. Brother, everyone keeps telling me that Allah's blessing. Women after a certain age dont evennfrt appropriate proposals and what not. My heart is so unhappy that i cry every day. I am scared my father will beat me if i say no. I know this guy is not the one. People say i m clinging on to wishful thinking that the man I want or desire will come somehow magically.. Their fmily just wants a maid who will coook and clean for them.
This is clear oppression. There is nothing in the way of the dua of the weak and oppressed. Rely on Dua and be patient and hopeful for Allah's support for you because you are being wronged and Allah is with the weak and oppressed. As daring as it is for me to say this, don't agree to marrying this man, or any other two-bit loser that comes your way. If you give in to avoid the wrath of your father, you will only replace him with one who will have even more control over you and will be even more difficult to get rid of. Be patient and endure and Allah WILL give you a way out and inshaAllah it won't take a long time. Show Allah that you are determined to marry only a man that will be a suitable husband and future father of your kids.

I know, through the family, of various female relatives who refused to marry until someone suitable came and I know of female relatives who caved in to pressure from the culture and family and even though the female relatives whom I am talking about are still not married, they are much better off and under much less pressure/anxiety than the ones who caved in, even though they still have to deal with the family they are with.

People say i m clinging on to wishful thinking that the man I want or desire will come somehow magically.
There's nothing magical about it, if all of the men around you are low-lives then that's their problem. You're not going to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately, most of mankind are losers (Surah al-Asr) so you're going to have to sift through the coal and gravel in order to get to any gold. You're not waiting around for some superstar or anything like that or even a Sahabi, but a man whom you can feel comfortable (through istikharah) trekking the long arduous path to Jannah with along with your future children.

I ask Allah al-Kareem to deliver you from these foolish, oppressive people and to provide you with someone who will be a means of strong support to you inshAllah.
Reply

iammuslim98
04-17-2021, 06:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Labayk
This is clear oppression. There is nothing in the way of the dua of the weak and oppressed. Rely on Dua and be patient and hopeful for Allah's support for you because you are being wronged and Allah is with the weak and oppressed. As daring as it is for me to say this, don't agree to marrying this man, or any other two-bit loser that comes your way. If you give in to avoid the wrath of your father, you will only replace him with one who will have even more control over you and will be even more difficult to get rid of. Be patient and endure and Allah WILL give you a way out and inshaAllah it won't take a long time. Show Allah that you are determined to marry only a man that will be a suitable husband and future father of your kids.

I know, through the family, of various female relatives who refused to marry until someone suitable came and I know of female relatives who caved in to pressure from the culture and family and even though the female relatives whom I am talking about are still not married, they are much better off and under much less pressure/anxiety than the ones who caved in, even though they still have to deal with the family they are with.



There's nothing magical about it, if all of the men around you are low-lives then that's their problem. You're not going to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately, most of mankind are losers (Surah al-Asr) so you're going to have to sift through the coal and gravel in order to get to any gold. You're not waiting around for some superstar or anything like that or even a Sahabi, but a man whom you can feel comfortable (through istikharah) trekking the long arduous path to Jannah with along with your future children.

I ask Allah al-Kareem to deliver you from these foolish, oppressive people and to provide you with someone who will be a means of strong support to you inshAllah.
Aoa i have tears while reading this. Please do dua. I dont want this guy. I m going to be miserable. Everyone keeps telling how ive never gotten a good rishta.. But i also feel nadhr has played a huge role. I had gems and lost them from stupid mistakes perhaps its my stupidity and not evil eye.
I tried talking to the guy that perhaps i might find him attractive one way or the other. But nothing.. Then i m scared that i am turning away from Allah's mercy
Reply

Labayk
04-17-2021, 08:32 PM
Aoa i have tears while reading this. Please do dua. I dont want this guy. I m going to be miserable. Everyone keeps telling how ive never gotten a good rishta.. But i also feel nadhr has played a huge role. I had gems and lost them from stupid mistakes perhaps its my stupidity and not evil eye.
I tried talking to the guy that perhaps i might find him attractive one way or the other. But nothing.. Then i m scared that i am turning away from Allah's mercy
Everyone keeps telling...
Please ignore the people. If you want really bad advice, then listen to the people. I am sorry that I have to say this but most people's opinions are just completely worthless. They are usually misguided and not in your best interests.

Trust me, we have all made incredibly stupid mistakes. But Allah's Rahmah for us is greater than are foolish mistakes. He is our Wakeel. He is the One we turn to even after we have wronged or gone against Him and He is the One we will always find turning to us with Mercy and Compassion. Wallahi, I have much hope that Allah will deliver you from this situation, but it must be in the time and manner of Allah's choosing. I am certain that it will be in ways you cannot expect. You must leave this affair to Him. Don't worry about this guy. He will disappear. Be patient with your father's anger. It will subside. Constantly reassure yourself with good thoughts of Allah. I swear by Allah, I have faced things of which I had no way out and Allah provided a way out after some time. The trick is not to think ill of Allah and to always think good. Don't let shaitan fool you into thinking that because of your sins and shortcomings Allah Will not Help you. Yes, you have sins and shortcomings no doubt but Allah's Mercy and support are far greater than your shortcomings.

The ungrateful mushrik calls upon Allah to save him from drowning at sea and Allah Responds. Iblis, the accursed loser, called upon Allah to give him respite and Allah responded. If you, with a hopeful heart, call upon your Lord with all of your sins and a mountain of sins more in addition, Allah will respond. But leave the how and the when to Him.

Then i m scared that i am turning away from Allah's mercy
If you reject this guy, it will be for the sake of Allah. A man with no connection to the Quran is no man at all. I know it's difficult, but we must not let shaitan play with our emotions as much as possible.

I will make Dua.
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iammuslim98
04-18-2021, 10:50 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Labayk
Please ignore the people. If you want really bad advice, then listen to the people. I am sorry that I have to say this but most people's opinions are just completely worthless. They are usually misguided and not in your best interests.

Trust me, we have all made incredibly stupid mistakes. But Allah's Rahmah for us is greater than are foolish mistakes. He is our Wakeel. He is the One we turn to even after we have wronged or gone against Him and He is the One we will always find turning to us with Mercy and Compassion. Wallahi, I have much hope that Allah will deliver you from this situation, but it must be in the time and manner of Allah's choosing. I am certain that it will be in ways you cannot expect. You must leave this affair to Him. Don't worry about this guy. He will disappear. Be patient with your father's anger. It will subside. Constantly reassure yourself with good thoughts of Allah. I swear by Allah, I have faced things of which I had no way out and Allah provided a way out after some time. The trick is not to think ill of Allah and to always think good. Don't let shaitan fool you into thinking that because of your sins and shortcomings Allah Will not Help you. Yes, you have sins and shortcomings no doubt but Allah's Mercy and support are far greater than your shortcomings.

The ungrateful mushrik calls upon Allah to save him from drowning at sea and Allah Responds. Iblis, the accursed loser, called upon Allah to give him respite and Allah responded. If you, with a hopeful heart, call upon your Lord with all of your sins and a mountain of sins more in addition, Allah will respond. But leave the how and the when to Him.



If you reject this guy, it will be for the sake of Allah. A man with no connection to the Quran is no man at all. I know it's difficult, but we must not let shaitan play with our emotions as much as possible.

I will make Dua.


Aoa.the guy says he will recite quran this year. But my heart is unhappy..some say its cold feet i will get used to him
Reply

Labayk
04-18-2021, 03:03 PM
Aoa.the guy says he will recite quran this year. But my heart is unhappy..some say its cold feet i will get used to him
No. One of the foremost rules of thumb with regards to marriage is that you make a decision based on who that person is right now. Not who that person will be. What you see now is what you get. It just so happens that now, this year he wants to read Quran? Just now he wants to start getting closer to Allah? Obviously, this is not for the sake of Allah alone. You have to make your decision, whether for this guy or anyone else, based on what you see right now.

You should understand that even with a really good spouse, there are flaws that will come up that weren't very apparent in the honeymoon phase. Again, this is the case even for really good guys who are being straight up and straight forward with you from the beginning. We all have personality defects and this is something that one has to get accustomed to as a part of marriage. But if the guy is bad from the start, then he will only be worse later on. Everyone puts on their best face when they want to get married.

...some say...
Some people (actually most people) shouldn't be giving advice. It seems to me, and Allah Knows best, is that those who are giving advice are not being sincere with it and that their "advice" for you is for their interests, not yours. You want to do what pleases Allah, even if it displeases the people and Allah certainly doesn't want this guy for you. You're not getting cold feet, this guy isn't right for you. This might sound weird, but just because you DON'T want something doesn't mean it is good for you. Sometimes we have to go against what we want of course, but sometimes our hearts are exactly in the right place and this here is a result of your istikharah.

Societal pressure is something that all of us as a test have to face. Some of us more than others. It is a test to give us the ability to show that we will do what Allah Wants over what people want. I know it's hard but stand up to this pressure. Whatever guy you marry will be your leader in Dunya and the father of your kids. It's your responsibility from right now to make sure the man is up for the task.

If you do what others want from you all the time, they will never be pleased with you. You will never succeed in pleasing people. If you do what Allah wants, then people will come around sooner or later. If you disappoint this guy, he will get over it and find someone else. Your father's anger will subside. People will move on, and anyway, even if you do what they want, they will still find something to be upset with you about.

Do you have any friends whom you trust, who are good who might be able to recommend someone for you? Btw, part of the istikharah prayer is to ask for good wherever it may be. So if Allah rejects something for you, He Will inshAllah give you better. In any case, any guy you encounter from now on, follow the istikhara.

I ask Allah to give you strength and to make your affairs easy for you.
Reply

iammuslim98
04-18-2021, 11:49 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
The answer is clear, don’t you think?
Aoa. Answer is clear to me my parents dont believe in istikhara .they say its an excuse i am using to evade the marriage

- - - Updated - - -

format_quote Originally Posted by Labayk
No. One of the foremost rules of thumb with regards to marriage is that you make a decision based on who that person is right now. Not who that person will be. What you see now is what you get. It just so happens that now, this year he wants to read Quran? Just now he wants to start getting closer to Allah? Obviously, this is not for the sake of Allah alone. You have to make your decision, whether for this guy or anyone else, based on what you see right now.

You should understand that even with a really good spouse, there are flaws that will come up that weren't very apparent in the honeymoon phase. Again, this is the case even for really good guys who are being straight up and straight forward with you from the beginning. We all have personality defects and this is something that one has to get accustomed to as a part of marriage. But if the guy is bad from the start, then he will only be worse later on. Everyone puts on their best face when they want to get married.



Some people (actually most people) shouldn't be giving advice. It seems to me, and Allah Knows best, is that those who are giving advice are not being sincere with it and that their "advice" for you is for their interests, not yours. You want to do what pleases Allah, even if it displeases the people and Allah certainly doesn't want this guy for you. You're not getting cold feet, this guy isn't right for you. This might sound weird, but just because you DON'T want something doesn't mean it is good for you. Sometimes we have to go against what we want of course, but sometimes our hearts are exactly in the right place and this here is a result of your istikharah.

Societal pressure is something that all of us as a test have to face. Some of us more than others. It is a test to give us the ability to show that we will do what Allah Wants over what people want. I know it's hard but stand up to this pressure. Whatever guy you marry will be your leader in Dunya and the father of your kids. It's your responsibility from right now to make sure the man is up for the task.

If you do what others want from you all the time, they will never be pleased with you. You will never succeed in pleasing people. If you do what Allah wants, then people will come around sooner or later. If you disappoint this guy, he will get over it and find someone else. Your father's anger will subside. People will move on, and anyway, even if you do what they want, they will still find something to be upset with you about.

Do you have any friends whom you trust, who are good who might be able to recommend someone for you? Btw, part of the istikharah prayer is to ask for good wherever it may be. So if Allah rejects something for you, He Will inshAllah give you better. In any case, any guy you encounter from now on, follow the istikhara.

I ask Allah to give you strength and to make your affairs easy for you.

Aoa i have no friends as such. They all keep telling me to accept the proposal regardless of the situation. And yes, istikhara. How do i know the answer.
Reply

'Abd-al Latif
04-19-2021, 12:05 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by iammuslim98
Aoa. Answer is clear to me my parents dont believe in istikhara .they say its an excuse i am using to evade the marriage

- - - Updated - - -




Aoa i have no friends as such. They all keep telling me to accept the proposal regardless of the situation. And yes, istikhara. How do i know the answer.
I don’t think this issue is about whether or not you should accept the proposal any longer. It’s about saying no to the suitor and navigating your way through hardships caused by the refusal.

You will have to be patient with everyone and kind with your words, regardless of how you’re treated. Explain to your parents the impact of an unhappy marriage on their future grandchildren (your children) and your own mental well-being. It’ll be worse for you if you end up divorced with children. Reassure them that you’re not saying no to marriage altogether and that it is this particular individual you’re unhappy with and you’ll accept someone better (assuming this is what you want).

These issues cannot be forced. Marriage can only be done willingly. It’s important that you have this conversation with your parents so think carefully about what your want to say to them.
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iammuslim98
04-19-2021, 01:07 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
I don’t think this issue is about whether or not you should accept the proposal any longer. It’s about saying no to the suitor and navigating your way through hardships caused by the refusal.

You will have to be patient with everyone and kind with your words, regardless of how you’re treated. Explain to your parents the impact of an unhappy marriage on their future grandchildren (your children) and your own mental well-being. It’ll be worse for you if you end up divorced with children. Reassure them that you’re not saying no to marriage altogether and that it is this particular individual you’re unhappy with and you’ll accept someone better (assuming this is what you want).

These issues cannot be forced. Marriage can only be done willingly. It’s important that you have this conversation with your parents so think carefully about what your want to say to them.


Aoa. I talked with my mother and she said she is too old to deal with me anymore. She took xanax and went to sleep. I guess I have to marry this guy. They dont understand any argument except that a woman should be married by now. Fr them marriage is the only life a woman should dream of having. They are in their 80s. We have a huge gap in timing

- - - Updated - - -

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