Advice on Rishta Sought Please!

[confusedsoul25]

Assalaam-u-Alaikum brothers and sisters,

Wishing you all Eid Mubarak wherever you are around the world.

I am facing a perplexing issue regarding message.

Me and my family got in touch with a family for my rishta through a match-maker. We visited their place and got to know them through two meetings. The meetings went very well and we got the feeling that the people were nice and educated.

I proposed to meet the girl in a neutral setting, so as for both of us to get to know the other better.I met her thrice in cafes. I found that she was very confident of herself, and was very career oriented. She is a lawyer, a voracious reader, and a very firm feminist. And the more I got to know her, the more I realised that she was very different from what I thought she would be. I got to know that she had had boyfriends in the past, and that she dated her college professor. The professor lied to her about divorcing his wife, but she found that he was indeed with her, and she ended things with him. Her last relationship was around 2 years back with a person who moved out of the city, and she told me that she could not do long distance so she ended things.

During a long texting conversation, the topic came to the ideal person. I told her my ideal person; someone who is religious and aware of her rights and duties, believes in a family life and has compassion. I asked her for her ideal person. She replied that there is no use of discussing it, as it was far from what I was. I pressed her, and she relented. She said that her ideal person was someone who had been with many women, and was very sexually experienced. So that he 'knew what he would be doing with her'. I was taken back with her revelation. I asked her if this was what she really wanted. She confirmed it was. Ever since that discussion, I see her in a very different light.

I struggle to see her as a wife sometimes. I honestly cannot tolerate a discussion about her past. And I shudder to think about what she would reveal more of her past to me once we get married.I have been praying to Allah Almighty for direction. And I ask you all to please put yourselves in my situation and offer me advice. Its very helpful to see other people's advice and suggestions, especially when one starts to doubt one's thinking much.

P.S. I would request our female members to please offer their advice from the point of view of a woman's. Because I may be thinking from a position of bias in this situation. Thanks.

Thank you for reading my post. JazakAllah Khair.

[greenhill]

Salaams,

Your gut feeling is probably right.

She is different from you. She also says that you are far from her ideal person.

Find someone else.... The difficult part is the search, the easiest is to accept (any offer that comes) and the hardest is rejection.

Keep searching. Don't give up and don't assume that you can change people. They normally wouldn't and you will be disappointed.


Peace ✌

[confusedsoul25]

Thanks @greenhill ! The only problem for me is that I have gotten involved with her all this time (around a year), and I cannot get her out of my head. And I lingering thought persists in my head, that maybe I would regret leaving her. My mind is full of scattered thoughts.

Regards.

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam

May Allah swt accept our fasts and help us continue to do good Ameen.

If you are far from her ideal person why did she accept your proposal? That doesn't make sense unless there is an ulterior motive to use you for something else...

Also why have you not safeguarded yourself emotionally? It seems you are emotionally invested now however the good news is you can still step away. Personally based on what you have shared I would stay well away from this individual.

Does her idea of feminism conflict with the teachings of Islam?

Would she be a dutiful wife to you or would her career mind start rebelling?

Would she be a good mother? Etc.

These are the questions you need to ask. Marriage isn't a fantasy world. If her values do not align with yours then save yourself. Yes you will feel pain but the pain you feel now will be minor compared to the pain if you went ahead with the marriage.

It is normal to think about her as you have been talking to her for a year however in time you will forget about her. Keep yourself busy doing halal activities and find a suitable religious wife. Someone who genuinely cares about her modesty, hayaa, deen etc. as these attributes give you sakoon peace in the long run. Don't make an emotional decision! Be logical and think long term.

Of course always ask Allah swt to guide you to what is best for you. Ameen.

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[confusedsoul25]

Thank you so much for that comprehensive advice @BeTheChange ! JazakAllah! May Allah bless you for this!

I know and I agree with all you said. All these concerns are the reasons why I haven't pulled the trigger, so to speak. However, on paper it would seem to you that this is a no brainer, there is an underlying sense of urgency which makes me keep rethinking this rishta.

I am 36 now. And my marriage is a daily worry for me. I feel like I would never find someone. With this girl, I felt I really liked her besides the concerns raised. I like her intellectual ability and her depth of conversations. Its this sense of potential losing her that keeps me thinking about saying yes.

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Assalaam-u-Alaikum brothers and sisters,

Wishing you all Eid Mubarak wherever you are around the world.

I am facing a perplexing issue regarding message.

Me and my family got in touch with a family for my rishta through a match-maker. We visited their place and got to know them through two meetings. The meetings went very well and we got the feeling that the people were nice and educated.

I proposed to meet the girl in a neutral setting, so as for both of us to get to know the other better.I met her thrice in cafes. I found that she was very confident of herself, and was very career oriented. She is a lawyer, a voracious reader, and a very firm feminist. And the more I got to know her, the more I realised that she was very different from what I thought she would be. I got to know that she had had boyfriends in the past, and that she dated her college professor. The professor lied to her about divorcing his wife, but she found that he was indeed with her, and she ended things with him. Her last relationship was around 2 years back with a person who moved out of the city, and she told me that she could not do long distance so she ended things.

During a long texting conversation, the topic came to the ideal person. I told her my ideal person; someone who is religious and aware of her rights and duties, believes in a family life and has compassion. I asked her for her ideal person. She replied that there is no use of discussing it, as it was far from what I was. I pressed her, and she relented. She said that her ideal person was someone who had been with many women, and was very sexually experienced. So that he 'knew what he would be doing with her'. I was taken back with her revelation. I asked her if this was what she really wanted. She confirmed it was. Ever since that discussion, I see her in a very different light.

I struggle to see her as a wife sometimes. I honestly cannot tolerate a discussion about her past. And I shudder to think about what she would reveal more of her past to me once we get married.I have been praying to Allah Almighty for direction. And I ask you all to please put yourselves in my situation and offer me advice. Its very helpful to see other people's advice and suggestions, especially when one starts to doubt one's thinking much.

P.S. I would request our female members to please offer their advice from the point of view of a woman's. Because I may be thinking from a position of bias in this situation. Thanks.

Thank you for reading my post. JazakAllah Khair.

Assaalam alaykum,

Firstly, I think what she had done was her past .maybe she repented or maybe not .
But as you have know her thoughts, ideal person or maybe anything personal information about her so what do you think.?it is your choice.you should chose someone who you like and you know that she will cooperate with you.
Because if you will avoid theses steps .maybe there will be problem after marriage which is very horrible. I don't know but if you are finding or your ideal person is a religious person so it would be better to search for her. I can't understand the feminists because in Islam these all rights are already given.it is something foolish for me . because everyone have their own duties .wherever it is female duty she should fulfill it make so he should.if you think she can fullfil her duties so it is good .
Bit before starting any relation if you think she can't cooperate with you ar you think she is not the one whom you searched for so it is better to find your ideal .
Try to fullfil the duties which are given by Allah .what he commanded you should follow .
May Allah guide you in right path .
If my word hurts you please forgive me.i am extremely sorry.
Jazaka Allahu khairen

[BeTheChange]

Thank you so much for that comprehensive advice @BeTheChange ! JazakAllah! May Allah bless you for this!

I know and I agree with all you said. All these concerns are the reasons why I haven't pulled the trigger, so to speak. However, on paper it would seem to you that this is a no brainer, there is an underlying sense of urgency which makes me keep rethinking this rishta.

I am 36 now. And my marriage is a daily worry for me. I feel like I would never find someone. With this girl, I felt I really liked her besides the concerns raised. I like her intellectual ability and her depth of conversations. Its this sense of potential losing her that keeps me thinking about saying yes.

Asalamualykum

Ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone but bear in mind you live with the consequences in this life and the next. Choose wisely. I know personally I would run away as fast as I could and cut all ties/contact if I was in your shoes based on what you have described. Thank Allah swt for her honesty as this is a blessing. Not everyone reveals their true colours before marriage. Usually you find out after.

Don't let your age clouden your judgement. Unfortunately being in your 30's and not being married is the norm especially in the West. Not that I'm encouraging this just commenting on social trends around me.

If you haven't already pray your isthikhara prayer and ask Allah swt to guide you to what is best for you in this world and the next Ameen. Seek the opinion of your family elders, siblings, close friends, local imaam etc.

Pre-Nikkah Must Ask Questions by sheikh Omar Baloch:


1. The in-laws: “The prophet (saw) kept Fatima and Ali away from himself and there is a lot of wisdom in that”

2. What are the boundaries of the opposite genders that you both are comfortable with?

3. Money: “It is the biggest reason why people get divorced” Are you going to have joint account? What are you expecting? Are going to have savings? Are you going to have a career? What is your money philosophy?

4. Intellectual wavelength: Emotionally are you at the same wavelength? Are you intellectually at the same wavelength?

5. Who is going to make the decisions? “Generally in the family”

6. Do you have health issues?

7. Do you expect your spouse to be dressed up for you? How often and when? “This is the sunnah of the prophet”

8. Are you willing to marry your potential spouse as they are now? Don’t expect your potential spouse to change.

9. Conflict resolution: How do tend to conflict? How do you handle your anger? Who will avoid conflict when there is a conflict? Who will explode and try to take control of the conflict when there is one? How do you respond to that?

10. Sex: “Believe it or not people will get divorced because of sex reasons too”

11. Exes: How will you deal with your exes if have been married? Do want the husband to deal with the ex-husband for example?

12. How will you grow spiritually? Is there some spiritual activity you would like to do together? Or do not want to do spiritual activities together? Would you like to read Qur’an together?

13. Anger issues: How often do you forgive? How often do you get angry? Can you control your anger? “Be honest about these issues”

14. Sleep association: What are your sleep association in terms of people being lazy?

15. Mediator: Are going to do counselling? If so how? “Decide now, so that you both understand no matter how bad it is we are going to go through this path” “If you think of divorce don’t say divorce say something like we need a mediator, don’t bring up divorce”

16. Are an in-door or out-door person?

17. How will you both deal with the kids? If you are already married how will you deal with the step-kids? What if they don’t like you?

18. What do you like to do for fun? What is your concept of fun? “You two have to be clear on that”

19. What are your assumptions about each other? What are the things I know for sure about this person? And what are the things I am assuming about this person? “And make this very clear”

20. What are your dreams? Where do see yourself a few years from now? Do want kids?

21. Why do you want to get married?

22. Do you have debt?

23. What makes you feel loved? “This is extremely important, because we can’t read each other’s minds”

24. Alone time: How much alone time do you need? “Alone time vs caring time/intimate time” How are you going to balance this?

25. What are my fears in the marriage?

26. What are your deal breakers?

“This is for couples who are married and for the people who are getting married. Allah swt says to Adam, O Adam live in Jannah with your wife. When you go eat together forget about your checklist of do’s. When you eat together throw that out. When you eat you can connect. It is very important for the children and the family when you eat together in peace. Talk about other things. Talk about things happening about in your life. Something that is outside of the world of chores”


Reference: https://youtu.be/_864RTwl6dk

[confusedsoul25]

Thank you everyone for your responses. JazakAllah. I pray to Allah that He blesses you for your help here.

I understand whatever you all jave mentioned. I do love her. But I realise married life gets practical very soon. And one needs a very secure and mentally stable and nourishing marriage to manage the challenges of professional and personal life. If there is a lack of sukoon in the husband and wife, eveything else gets only more difficult.

She also once mentioned that she does not believe in Islam assigning half the evidence value to a woman as compared to a man. And I just replied that its in the Quran. I have to believe it. She replied by saying that one should not take the Quran literally. And that it should be understood in the context of the prevalent times. These discussions only make me more disillusioned and fatigued.

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Thank you everyone for your responses. JazakAllah. I pray to Allah that He blesses you for your help here.

I understand whatever you all jave mentioned. I do love her. But I realise married life gets practical very soon. And one needs a very secure and mentally stable and nourishing marriage to manage the challenges of professional and personal life. If there is a lack of sukoon in the husband and wife, eveything else gets only more difficult.

She also once mentioned that she does not believe in Islam assigning half the evidence value to a woman as compared to a man. And I just replied that its in the Quran. I have to believe it. She replied by saying that one should not take the Quran literally. And that it should be understood in the context of the prevalent times. These discussions only make me more disillusioned and fatigued.

Assaalam alaykum,
Most welcome.

It is her mind set and what she thinks about Islam . Everyone have rights to have their own mind set. don't be upset . everyone should believe on their beliefs.
If you think you can live peacefully with her so make your relation halal as soon as you can.haram relation is not allowed.decision is up to you.
If my word hurts you please forgive me.i am sorry.
Jazaka Allahu khairen