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Sweet Pea
02-18-2006, 02:38 AM
As salaamu alaikum.

I dont know where to post this, it's pertaining to my marriage but also my faith. Please help me. Move it if it needs to be moved.

I am a 22 year old woman. As I have said before I am a new convert to Islam, and ever since I converted (about 4 months ago) I have felt so enlightened and at peace. But lately I have had some situations where I am feeling really restricted and it is making me question tons of things. I do everything I am supposed to do, and believe me it has been a VERY difficult change for me, but I have pulled through it. There are things though that I was involved in before that now is causing problems for me because of my New found faith. I am starting to feel like I am not an individual anymore. I have to ask permission for everything from my husband. I am not used to that AT ALL. Actually before I was pretty pro-feminism, so obviously it is hard for me. Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to. I have been trying to get along and obey but there are certain things I just cannot accept, and because of that, we've been arguing a lot. Then he threatened to "punish" me!! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD, and like I have NO RIGHTS AND NO SAY at all. I feel like what I say and want does not matter! I don't understand these things, and I am having a hard time accepting them. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion.
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abdul Majid
02-18-2006, 03:02 AM
==HOPE THIS HELPS==


The issue of women in Islam, is topic of great misunderstanding and distortion due partly to a lack of understanding, but also partly due to misbehavior of some Muslims which has been taken to represent the teachings of Islam. We speak here about what Islam teaches, and that is that standard according to which Muslims are to be judged. As such, my basis and source is the Quran--the words of Allah, and the sayings of the Prophet, his deeds and his confirmation. Islamic laws are derived from these sources. To facilitate our discussion we can discuss the position of women from a spiritual, economic, social, and political standpoint.

From the spiritual aspect, there are seven points to remember:

1. According to the Quran, men and women have the same spirit, there is no superiority in the spiritual sense between men and women.
(Qur'an 4:1,7:189,42:11)

2. The Quran makes it clear that all human beings (and the phraseology doesn't apply to men or women alone, but to both) have what you might call a human; He "breathed some of My spirit into divine touch. When God created the him" (or her in this sense). 15:29 See also 32:9. Some of His spirit here means not in the incarnational sense, but the pure, innate spiritual nature that God has endowed her or him with.

3. The Quran indicates again that one of the most honored positions of human, is that God created the human, and as I referred to Sura 17 earlier, it means both sexes, as His trustee and representative on earth. There are many references in the Quran that reaffirm this.

4. Nowhere in the Quran do we find any trace of any notion of blaming Eve for the first mistake or for eating from the forbidden tree. Nowhere, even though the Quran speaks about Adam, Eve, and the forbidden tree, but in a totally different spirit. The story is narrated in 7:19-27, and it speaks about both of them doing this, both of them are told that both of them disobeyed, both of them discovered the consequences of their disobedience, both of them seek repentance and both of them are forgiven. Nowhere in the Quran does it say woman is to be blamed for the fall of man. Furthermore, when the Quran speaks about the suffering of women during the period of pregnancy and childbirth, nowhere does it connect it with the concept of original sin, because there is no concept of original sin in Islam. The suffering is presented not as a reason to remind woman of the fall of man, but as a reason to adore and love woman or the mother. In the Quran, especially 31:14, 46:15, it makes it quite clear God has commanded upon mankind to be kind to parents and mentions, "His mother bore him in difficulty or suffering upon suffering."

5. The Quran makes it clear again to remove any notion of superiority and I refer you again to 49:13. I must caution you that there are some mistaken translations, but if you go to the original Arabic, there is no question of gender being involved.

6. In terms of moral, spiritual duties, acts of worship, the requirements of men and women are the same, except in some cases when women have certain concessions because of their feminine nature, or their health or the health of their babies.

7. The Quran explicitly, in more than one verse, 3:195, 4:124, specified that whoever does good deeds, and is a believer and then specifies "male or female" God will give them an abundant reward.



In the area of economic rights, we have to remember that in Europe until the 19th century, women did not have the right to own their own property. When they were married, either it would transfer to the husband or she would not be able to dispense of it without permission of her husband. In Britain, perhaps the first country to give women some property rights, laws were passed in the 1860's known as "Married Women Property Act." More than 1300 years earlier, that right was clearly established in Islamic law. "Whatever men earn, they have a share of that and whatever women earn, they have a share in that." Sura 4:31.

Secondly, there is no restriction in Islamic law that says a woman cannot work or have a profession, that her only place is in the home. In fact, by definition, in a truly Islamic society, there must be women physicians, women nurses, women teachers, because it's preferable also to separate teenagers in the volatile years in high school education. And if she chooses to work, or if she's married with the consent of her husband, she's entitled to equal pay, not for equal work, but for work of equal worth.

Thirdly, when it comes to financial security, Islamic law is more tilted in many respects towards women. These are seven examples:

1. During the period of engagement, a woman is to be on the receiving side of gifts.

2. At the time of marriage, it is the duty of the husband, not the bride's family. He is supposed to pay for a marital gift. The Quran called it a gift, and it is exclusively the right of the woman. She doesn't have to spend it on the household, she doesn't have to give it to her father or anyone else.

3. If the woman happened to own any property prior to marriage, she retains that property after marriage. It remains under her control. Also, in most Muslim countries, the woman keeps her own last name, and her own identity.

4. If the woman has any earnings during her marital life, by way of investments of her property or as a result of work, she doesn't have to spend one penny of that income on the household, it is entirely hers.

5. The full maintenance and support of a married woman is the entire responsibility of her husband, even though she might be richer than he is. She doesn't have to spend a penny.

6. At the time of divorce, there are certain guarantees during the waiting period and even beyond for a woman's support.

7. If the widow or divorcee has children, she's entitled to child support.

In return for these listed securities, it is clear why the Islamic laws pertaining to inheritance give men a higher share. From the social standpoint, as a daughter we find that credit goes to Islam for stopping the barbaric practice of pre-Islamic Arabs of female infanticide. These ignorant people used to bury female daughters alive. The Quran forbade the practice, making it a crime. Sura 81 Additionally, the Quran condemned the chauvinistic attitudes of some people who used to greet the birth of a boy with gladness, but sadness in the case of a girl.

The duty, not the right, the duty of education, as the Prophet said, is a duty on every Muslim, male and female.

As far as treatment of daughters is concerned, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, "Anyone who has two daughters, and did not bury them, did not insult them and brought them up properly, he and I will be like this," holding his two fingers close together. Another version adds, "And also did not favor his sons over daughters." One time the Prophet, peace be upon him, was seated. A companion was sitting with him. The companion's son came. He kissed his son and put him on his lap. Then his daughter came, and he just sat her by his side. The Prophet told the man, "You did not do Justice," meaning he should have treated the daughter equally, kissed her and put her in his lap also. Indeed, whenever the Prophet's daughter Fatimah came to him, in front of everyone, he stood up, kissed her and let her sit in his favorite place where he'd been sitting.

From the marital standpoint, the Quran clearly indicates in Suras 30:20 and 42:11 that marriage is not just an inevitable evil, marriage is not somebody getting married to his master or slave, but rather to his partner. Sura 30:21 reads, "Among His Signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves, that they may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect." There are numerous verses in the Quran to the same effect.

Secondly, the approval and consent of the girl to marriage is a prerequisite for the validity of marriage in Islam. She has the right to say yes or no.

Husbands' and wives' duties are mutual responsibilities. They might not be identical duties, but the totality of rights and responsibilities are balanced. The Quran says, "Women have the same rights (in relation to their husbands) as are expected in all decency from them, while men stand a step above them." Sura 2:228. This only specifies the degree of responsibility, not privilege, in man's role as provider, protector, maintainer, and leader of the family. The same Sura speaks about divorce, about consultation between husband and wife, even in the case of divorce. When there are family disputes, first the Quran appeals to reason and the consideration of positive aspects of one's spouse, "Dwell with your wives in kindness for even if you hate them, you might be hating someone in whom God has placed so much good." 4:19

If that appeal does not succeed, and problems between the husband and wife continue, there are measures that can be applied. Some of these measures are done privately between husband and wife. Some of them might appear harsh, but there are qualifications to restrict excessive or abusive use of these measures. These measures are considered an attempt to save a marriage rather than break a family apart. If the situation does not improve, even with the limitation and prevention of excesses, the next step is a family council. One arbiter from his family and one from her family should sit together with the couple and try to resolve the problems.

If a divorce becomes necessary, there are many detailed procedures in Islamic law that really knock down the common notion that divorce in Islam is very easy and that it is the sole right of man. It is not the sole right of man alone and neither is it true that all you have to say is: "I divorce you three times," and that's it. Islam also has laws regarding custody of children. I was very surprised to see newspapers making the false claim that in all cases custody goes to the father. Custody involves the interest of the child, and laws often favor the mother of young children.

Polygamy has become so mythical in the minds of many people that they assume being Muslim means having four wives. This is a false notion, of course. A very renowned anthropologist, Edward Westenmark, in his two-volume work, "History of Human Marriage," notes that there has been polygamy in virtually every culture and religion, including Judaism and Christianity. But the point here is not to say, "Why blame Islam?" Actually, Islam is the only religion even among Abrahamic faiths, that specifically limited the practice of polygamy that existed before Islam and established very strict conditions for guidance. The question, "How could any man have two wives? That's terrible!" reflects ethnocentrism. We assume that because we're living in the West and it seems strange, and we assume it must apply to all cultures, all times, under all circumstances. This simply isn't true. Let me give you one current-day example. In the savage attack on Afghanistan, genocide was committed on the Afghani people. It is estimated that 1-1.5 million people lost their lives, a great majority of whom were men of a marriageable age. Now, with a great shortage of men, what will happen to their widows, their orphans and their daughters of marriageable age? Is it better to leave them in a camp, with a handout? Or better a man is willing to take care of his fallen comrade's wife and children?

It is obvious that monogamy is the norm for Muslims. If we assume that having four wives is the norm, then we assume a population of 80% female and 20% male, which is an impossibility on the aggregate level. The only verse in the Quran that speaks about polygamy, speaks about limiting not instituting polygamy. The verse was revealed after the Battle of Uhud in which many Muslims were martyred, leaving behind wives and children in need of support. This verse shows the spirit and reason of the revelation.

The Quran placed obedience to parents immediately after worship of God. 3:14 "We commanded mankind to be kind to his parents," and then speaks of the mother. In a very succinct statement, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, "Paradise is at the feet of mothers." Once a man came to him and asked, "O, Messenger, who among mankind is worthy of my kindness and love?" The Prophet answered, "Your mother." "Who next?" "Your mother." "Who next?" "Your mother." Only after the third time he said, "And your father."

As a sister in faith, in blood, we find the Quran speaks about men and women, that they should cooperate and collaborate in goodness. Sura 9:17 speaks about men and women as supporters and helpers of each other, ordaining the good and forbidding the evil, establishing prayers and doing charity. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) echoed what the Quran said, "I command you to be kind to women." In one of his last commands in his farewell pilgrimage before his death, he kept repeating, "I command you to be kind and considerate to women." In another hadith, he said, "It is only the generous in character who is good to women, and only the evil one who insults them."

On the question of attire, the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet did not say women must adopt a particular dress of a particular country. It only gives basic boundaries, and for a committed Muslim woman, she doesn't follow this simply because her father or husband tells her, but because Allah already stated that as a requirement in the Quran, and was explained through revelation given to Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, that this was not to restrict woman, but to provide a virtuous society where sexual attraction is not the main obsession of everyone. This forces everyone to respect the woman for what she is as a human being, as an intellectual and a spiritual being, rather than being diverted to her sexuality.

Finally, a few words about political involvement. The verse quoted earlier, Sura 9:17, which speaks about men and women being supporters and helpers of each other was taken by some jurists to mean that it involves also public life. How could they ordain the good and forbid the evil without women being active in the affairs of their society? According to the Quran, I'm not talking about the practices of Muslims, in Sura 60:12, we read about Muslim women making "bayyah" to the Prophet. Bayyah as an Islamic term is somewhat analogous, to a degree, to what we would call an election, or oath of allegiance. And that was given in his capacity not only as a Prophet, but as a head of state, as he was already the head of state in Medina.

During the rein of Umar, women participated in law making. Umar made a proposal of a certain regulation concerning marriage. A woman in the mosque stood up and said, "Umar, you can't do that." Umar did not tell her, "Shut up, you are a woman, you have nothing to do with politics, etc." He asked, "Why?" She made her argument on the basis of Quran. In front of everybody, he stood up and said, "The woman is right and Umar is wrong," and he withdrew his proposal. That was the spirit in the early days of Islam.

In the most authentic collection of hadith, Hadith Bukhari, a section is devoted to the participation of women, not only in public affairs, but in the battlefield, too, and not only as logistical support. Women carried arms, and when there was great danger to the Muslims, they volunteered to participate even in the battlefield.

The problems presented here are not the problems of Islam. They are problems of a lack of commitment, lack of application, or misapplication of Islamic teachings by Muslims themselves. The topics I have tried to cover here represent and exemplify the big gap that exists between the true teachings of Islam as derived from its original sources and its projected image in the West and the way some Muslims behave in the disregard of those noble teachings.

There's no question that the Western media has played an important role in perpetuating these misconceptions. But in fairness, we should not blame the media alone. Western culture, in writings about other religions, in particular Islam, have distorted images. From books, novels, even in the academic circle, and sermons from the pulpit in places of worship, these kinds of prejudices are perpetuated.

There are fair and honorable people in the media who are receptive to correction of inaccuracies, and who present the facts, when the facts become manifest, as we have seen in the coverage of the barbaric and cruel treatment of the Palestinians n the Occupied Territories. What I would suggest to the media is instead of depending on the distorted information about Islam, they should keep in touch with educated Muslims, and remember, the U.S. has between 5 and 6 million Muslims. Only through correct representation and open communication with Muslims in America can the media give a fair analysis of current events, given the background of those conflicts, and provide a great service to society.
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songinwind
02-18-2006, 03:32 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I dont know where to post this, it's pertaining to my marriage but also my faith. Please help me. Move it if it needs to be moved.

I am a 22 year old woman. As I have said before I am a new convert to Islam, and ever since I converted (about 4 months ago) I have felt so enlightened and at peace. But lately I have had some situations where I am feeling really restricted and it is making me question tons of things. I do everything I am supposed to do, and believe me it has been a VERY difficult change for me, but I have pulled through it. There are things though that I was involved in before that now is causing problems for me because of my New found faith. I am starting to feel like I am not an individual anymore. I have to ask permission for everything from my husband. I am not used to that AT ALL. Actually before I was pretty pro-feminism, so obviously it is hard for me. Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to. I have been trying to get along and obey but there are certain things I just cannot accept, and because of that, we've been arguing a lot. Then he threatened to "punish" me!! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD, and like I have NO RIGHTS AND NO SAY at all. I feel like what I say and want does not matter! I don't understand these things, and I am having a hard time accepting them. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion.

Sister...My heart goes out to you..and at the same time, you have renforced..that how I am doing things for my life..is good...
I didn't revert, marry------or marry than revert---I did this by will of Allah..he choice me...(praise to Allah)
I than after about a year thought of marriage.and knew it can only be to a muslim...and possibly of another country, where he has been raised with all the customs of his upbringing...
After deep prayer and thought...I read every verse I find in the quran about marriage..and sense family life in islam i have always loved,,as I see that the downfall of marriages in the usa, "confussion of who is the head of the home".This was not a promblem...but each has customs...also. the need to protect us as woman, may differ from what we are use too....as u say about jogging..ect---(this is protection on his part for u)...are u from the usa?
I really would hate to see you give up,,as I hate divorce....but you and he do need "commucation" sister...and some compromise...and the very reason I read a lot on this now...and not later, when this may happen, as happening to you..
I would love to talk to you...or go to the sisters part, and get the opinions of many sisters...but don't give up...
Sister islam didn't do this..so never give up on islam...please...if anything read more..The woman is so protected...and in marriage, he will protect you..
As far as walking behind him..others will have to talk on that one..it may be a custom thing..and for u two to talk about, and compromise on..
One thing sister, never go to bed(sleep) with anger between you...try to talk...from your heart...
You have my prayers...Tiny things can make big changes....:)
peace to you sister..
Reply

shorouk
02-18-2006, 03:58 AM
look hes acting strict for nohting
his actions are not related to islam... trust me
these are weird things that hes made up
so look u have 2 options as ur happiness is very very imp:
1.take him out to dinner and tlk to him quietly about how u trully feel... see his reaction he may b narrow minded so u have to try and broaden this...

2.if he still continues ask him for a divorce... this may affect him once he feels like he might really loose u... so try

but believe me his actions have nothing associated with islam... islam does not tell him to do that

b patient and god b with u inshallah...
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Issa
02-18-2006, 05:07 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I dont know where to post this, it's pertaining to my marriage but also my faith. Please help me. Move it if it needs to be moved.

I am a 22 year old woman. As I have said before I am a new convert to Islam, and ever since I converted (about 4 months ago) I have felt so enlightened and at peace. But lately I have had some situations where I am feeling really restricted and it is making me question tons of things. I do everything I am supposed to do, and believe me it has been a VERY difficult change for me, but I have pulled through it. There are things though that I was involved in before that now is causing problems for me because of my New found faith. I am starting to feel like I am not an individual anymore. I have to ask permission for everything from my husband. I am not used to that AT ALL. Actually before I was pretty pro-feminism, so obviously it is hard for me. Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to. I have been trying to get along and obey but there are certain things I just cannot accept, and because of that, we've been arguing a lot. Then he threatened to "punish" me!! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD, and like I have NO RIGHTS AND NO SAY at all. I feel like what I say and want does not matter! I don't understand these things, and I am having a hard time accepting them. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion.


As-salamu Alaykum,

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having. I am new to Islam as well. I know how you feel about some of the things that we have to give up. It isn't Islam that is the problem. Talk with your husband and ask him why the things that were once ok are no longer ok. I would be upset too if I was married and my husband "changed his mind" about things that made me ME. Communication is the first thing to try. We are too quick to divorce these days. Tell him how he is making you feel. Insha Allah, it will all work out for the best.
Reply

nurul3eyn
02-18-2006, 05:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I dont know where to post this, it's pertaining to my marriage but also my faith. Please help me. Move it if it needs to be moved.

I am a 22 year old woman. As I have said before I am a new convert to Islam, and ever since I converted (about 4 months ago) I have felt so enlightened and at peace. But lately I have had some situations where I am feeling really restricted and it is making me question tons of things. I do everything I am supposed to do, and believe me it has been a VERY difficult change for me, but I have pulled through it. There are things though that I was involved in before that now is causing problems for me because of my New found faith. I am starting to feel like I am not an individual anymore. I have to ask permission for everything from my husband. I am not used to that AT ALL. Actually before I was pretty pro-feminism, so obviously it is hard for me. Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to. I have been trying to get along and obey but there are certain things I just cannot accept, and because of that, we've been arguing a lot. Then he threatened to "punish" me!! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD, and like I have NO RIGHTS AND NO SAY at all. I feel like what I say and want does not matter! I don't understand these things, and I am having a hard time accepting them. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion.
:sl:
I'm really sorry to hear that sis just av faith in Allah,,bellow links have some useful message abt mariage and divorce I hope you benefit from it sis and find the answers you are looking for,,,watever u do sis dnt give up on Islam...May Allah give you the strength you need....Congrats for becomin a muslim may Allah lead u to the right path :sister: :) Good luck sis....

http://sisters.islamway.com/modules....rticle&sid=344
http://www.islamhouse.com/en/books/pdf/en2294.pdf
:sl:
Reply

Qurratul Ayn
02-18-2006, 01:32 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

My Dear Sister Sweet Pea, pray to Allah Ta'ala to help you and always read Salah and Inshallah your prayers will be heard by the Almighty and Allah Ta'ala shall help.

Your husband seems very strict but you have to be strong and have faith in Allah Ta'ala and Islam.

Asslamu Alaikum
Shakirah
Reply

*KB*
02-18-2006, 01:39 PM
salam sister

listen to what sister Shakirah said. pray to Allah to help you and your husband. Allah only does things for the best.

wasalam
Reply

Snowflake
02-18-2006, 03:10 PM
Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to.
salam sweet sis,

The problem isnt with Islam but in the nature and lack of knowledge in your husband.
Your husband was wrong to mislead you into thinking that your being sporty was fine by him at first then changing his mind later. He should've made his unacceptance clear before you married and given you a choice of marrying him with these conditions or not. Personally, I don't see what the problem is with going jogging as long as you're covered up and you go at a quiet time when there's few people about. (The Prophet and his wife Aisha (ra) used to have races!)
As for the walking behind him... there is no mandate for women to walk behind men in Islam. Yes, maybe where her being infront would pose any danger to her but not otherwise. If I had to walk behind my husband for no reason, I'd feel like a goat not his wife!

I suggest that you both see a sheikh and discuss these concerns with him. Hopefully he can guide your husband into being a husband and not His Lordship!
Good luck.
Reply

Snowflake
02-18-2006, 03:20 PM
Right Ameen. You seem to know more about that topic than I do. So for now I'll let you be in charge :happy: I'll try to find some incorrupt hadiths relating to this topic.
I just popped in to post this:

Obedience.

^^^^^^^^^

The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.

Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:

(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.

(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.
Reply

Cheb
02-18-2006, 04:51 PM
:sl:
First off it gives me great pleasure when I hear that someone has converted to Islam. May Allah (swt) give you success in all you do Sweet Pea and songinwind. Ameen. That goes for all the Muslim Umma as well.
There is a Hadeeth that I was taught when I was a young boy (this is a vague description but maybe someone can help me out with it), it mentions someone (I think one of the sahaba) was walking behind a woman (together) in the desert. Then the dress of the woman started to sway and the person realized it. So he called for the woman and asked her to walk behind him.
Ok there are definitely details missing there and I apologize for that. If someone knows that hadeeth please tell the whole story. Anyway I think this is where the notion of women walking behind men came from. BUT, I do not think this can be applied to marriage because the two in the hadeeth were not married (to the extent of my knowledge), and therefore I think we can conclude that this may apply only if for some reason the two were not married. Again I am sorry if I may have made things worse but I really am trying to help.
As for asking permission from your husband for everything, him punishing you, and you not being allowed to jog, I think those are his rules and not Islam's. I noticed that you are having second thoughts about your marriage and about Islam. Please do not have second thoughts about Islam because the problem is most likely with your husband (as stated many times before this). You may question Islam as you choose, because that makes us stronger. It is great that you are seeking advice and not relying on yourself for answers. We are all here to help and so is every Muslim. Everyone needs guidence at some point in his/her life. If you are having trouble understanding Islam then all you have to do is ask. The answers are all there, the question is whether or not you choose to find them (as you are doing now).
:w:
Reply

Snowflake
02-18-2006, 05:14 PM
I know which story you're talking about. But that man was not related to the women. It doesnt matter if a wife is infront of her husband and the wind blows her garments to reveal her body to him. He's allowed to see her. Neither that is a reason for a woman to walk behind her husband as someone else can be behind the woman who will see her anyway.
Reply

Muhammad
02-18-2006, 05:21 PM
Wa Alaykum Assalaam,

Welcome to the forum sister, and congratulations on your reversion to Islam!

You mentioned that you have been experiencing problems after you became a Muslim, and we need to remember that all people go through times of hardship and times of ease. In both cases, we are reminded to be thankful to Allaah and seek His help for our problems. Please have a look at the following verses of the Qur'an:

[29.2] Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, We believe, and not be tried?

[2.214] Or do you think that you would enter the garden while yet the state of those who have passed away before you has not come upon you; distress and affliction befell them and they were shaken violently, so that the Apostle and those who believed with him said: When will the help of Allah come? Now surely the help of Allah is nigh!

[2.153] O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient.

[65.2] ... and whoever is careful of (his duty to) Allah, He will make for him an outlet,

And if we look to see the advice of Luqman to his son:
[31.17] O my son! keep up prayer and enjoin the good and forbid the evil, and bear patiently that which befalls you; surely these acts require courage;

Regarding your feeling of resentment, I think it is perhaps due to the misconduct of your husband but not Islam. Islam teaches respect for both spouses and gives each of them their own rights. Please see the following Q&A's:

She is asking about the rights of women in Islam

Arguments with her husband – she is asking how to become a righteous wife

Here is something else that you might find comforting to read Insha'Allaah:
He is suffering from waswaas (insinuating whispers) of the Shaytaan about the Essence of Allaah

Remember to make plenty of du'aa and be strong in whatever you do. Keep up your prayers and other religious duties, and Insha'Allaah Allaah will help you, as He says:

[2.185] ... Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire for you difficulty, and (He desires) that you should complete the number and that you should exalt the greatness of Allah for His having guided you and that you may give thanks.

[2.186] And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way.

Seek help from Muslim sisters, and maybe consult an Imam in your area - they might be able to give you useful advice and find a way to address any shortcomings on your husband's part.

I pray that Allaah helps you in your time of difficulty, Aameen.

:w:
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Ansar Al-'Adl
02-18-2006, 09:53 PM
:sl:
There is not much more for me to add to what Br. Muhammad has said, except a few important links that answer some of the questions you've raised:
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/sh...sub_cat_id=651
http://islamtoday.com/show_detail_se...&main_cat_id=1
http://soundvision.com/Info/marriage/shura.asp

Also keep in mind that the mistakes of some Muslims has no impact on the validity of Islam. :)

:w:
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ameen
02-22-2006, 03:26 AM
salam,

She is upset and she feels that her husband's attitude is connected to Islam, so she regrets ever accepting Islam:

"...I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion."


The only connection that has been falsely made between such personalities / attitudes (such as that displayed by her husband) and to Islam (supposedly), is the untrue and corrupt Hadith which have adversely influenced Muslims around the world (including many scholars).
Reply

Snowflake
02-22-2006, 10:28 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ameen-
salam,

She is upset and she feels that her husband's attitude is connected to Islam, so she regrets ever accepting Islam:

"...I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion."


The only connection that has been falsely made between such personalities / attitudes (such as that displayed by her husband) and to Islam (supposedly), is the untrue and corrupt Hadith which have adversely influenced Muslims around the world (including many scholars).
It's a shame that the sister is feeling resentment. But that is because she is mislead to believe that this is what Islam requires. I have noticed similar traits in some muslim men who've probably never heard of such hadeeth and who definitely aren't practicing muslims. I see this mostlyamongst the Afghan community in Britain and sometimes these women walking behind their husbands are plastered in makeup, have cut fringes exposed because only half of their hair is covered. If these men were following hadeeth then either way their women would be covered up appropriately. Cuz no hadeeth says a women shouldnt dress appropriately.

I think this problem arises from cultural practices where men feel they need to assert their authority over women in this way.

And even after searching for the incorrupt hadeeth in question, I havent found any. But if you know any, I'd appreciate it if posted it here. Thanks.

:w:
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IbnAbdulHakim
02-22-2006, 12:05 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I dont know where to post this, it's pertaining to my marriage but also my faith. Please help me. Move it if it needs to be moved.

I am a 22 year old woman. As I have said before I am a new convert to Islam, and ever since I converted (about 4 months ago) I have felt so enlightened and at peace. But lately I have had some situations where I am feeling really restricted and it is making me question tons of things. I do everything I am supposed to do, and believe me it has been a VERY difficult change for me, but I have pulled through it. There are things though that I was involved in before that now is causing problems for me because of my New found faith. I am starting to feel like I am not an individual anymore. I have to ask permission for everything from my husband. I am not used to that AT ALL. Actually before I was pretty pro-feminism, so obviously it is hard for me. Also, my husband is starting to reject my athleticism, even though before he met me and even after we was married for a while, he was supportive. Now it's a problem for me to go jogging, etc. There are also a few "roles" that I have a problem with as a wife. Like me walking behind him. Before, I NEVER did this but now, for some reason he is trying to force me to do it, and I simply Do Not Want to. I have been trying to get along and obey but there are certain things I just cannot accept, and because of that, we've been arguing a lot. Then he threatened to "punish" me!! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD, and like I have NO RIGHTS AND NO SAY at all. I feel like what I say and want does not matter! I don't understand these things, and I am having a hard time accepting them. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things lately and it is making me resent my husband and my conversion.
:sl:
If you have doubts about this beautiful religion please talk to a well quallified sunni imam. It appears to me these doubts are building up from problems within your marital relations and you should understand islam does not give way for problems to arise as the practise of muhammad (saws) teaches us ways in which to live life in synchronised harmony. When afflictions however do befall us we take them as tests. Anyway sister im saying practise the shariah of islam and teach your husband afta asking the imam for advice how you deserve to be treated.

Btw about you walking behind him... that is most certainly not a must. For him to force you to do so is an innovative action.
anyway hope you find your answers sister, May Allah guide us all. Amin

:w:
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ameen
02-24-2006, 10:02 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
And even after searching for the incorrupt hadeeth in question, I havent found any. But if you know any, I'd appreciate it if posted it here. Thanks.
As-salamu'alaikum,

There aren't many of those around regarding women - which is why you are having difficulty finding them.

By preventing the truth to be known about the real cause of this scarring of Islam, the moderator(s) here have decided to support this degeneration. They too have blood on their hands.
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muslimahh
02-24-2006, 10:05 PM
Sis, my advice is educate yourself about the role and rights of women in Islam....knowledge is empowering, often the issues we have with Islam are really issues with Muslims and not structural Islam itself.

Love you for the sake of Allah swt. You're in my prayers *hugs*
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ameen
02-24-2006, 10:11 PM
salam,

Can I just ask - Are you suggesting that her husband's attitude is justified and is from Islam - so she needs to learn to live with it?

Can you please be clear about this?
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muslimahh
02-24-2006, 10:18 PM
Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah
Im guessing my post?

Not at all! It inshaAllah would help if the sister knew her rights in Islam so if her husband takes advantage of her regarding this she knows exactly the position that she stands in Islam.

A lot of "Islamic" practices stem from culture (eg. walking behind your husband etc). and if the sister knows this by studying her rights as a woman in Islam and showing the correct Islamic practices, a lot of these problems can be inshaAllah eliminated....

Traditionally, a lot of things, for example womens space in the masjid etc. has been taken away because women themselves did now know the rights they had in Islam and were thus not able to speak out regarding this to the men who may have thought theyre acting in the womens best insterests....many brothers do not take the time to research what rights their wives have in Islam.

A really good CD set btw is Mothers of the Believers by Suhaib Webb.... it really goes a lot into this.
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marcodelnizio
02-24-2006, 10:21 PM
:sl: sister,
i agree with the people that say that he is acting too strict. I know for example used to walk beside his wife, and that Amr Khaled says it, used to do sports with her, by walking for hours. If he is too strict about jogging, takr him to jogg with u. Seriously, sometimes, husbands can act too overprotective that they give such a bad image about Islam.
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AceOfHearts
02-24-2006, 10:28 PM
:sl: sister,

I sympathise with your situation and I pray that things improve for you.

Your husband is under the influence of many man made hadiths out there and male inteptretations of the Quran.

To regain your faith inshAllah, I advise you to read the Quran tranaslation from the beginning (even then man have fiddled with the translation).

You have made the right decision accepting Islam, the Quran is the words of God almighty.
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ameen
02-25-2006, 02:39 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by muslimahh
Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah
Im guessing my post?

Not at all! It inshaAllah would help if the sister knew her rights in Islam so if her husband takes advantage of her regarding this she knows exactly the position that she stands in Islam.

A lot of "Islamic" practices stem from culture (eg. walking behind your husband etc). and if the sister knows this by studying her rights as a woman in Islam and showing the correct Islamic practices, a lot of these problems can be inshaAllah eliminated....

Traditionally, a lot of things, for example womens space in the masjid etc. has been taken away because women themselves did now know the rights they had in Islam and were thus not able to speak out regarding this to the men who may have thought theyre acting in the womens best insterests....many brothers do not take the time to research what rights their wives have in Islam.
ok JazakAllahkhair

now it makes sense.
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Umar001
02-25-2006, 09:52 AM
Peace be with yall

I dont get how one can look at a person's action and then dislike a religion, IF THAT IS THE CASE.

Anyhow, I heard someone saying, something along the lines of 'the husband should have made his unacceptance clear from the start'
What if he didnt see anything wrong with it but then something was brought to light and so his view changed? The brother could be doing this innnocently, alot of poeple are assuming, that the husband is bad, maybe the brother has a reason, that he fears for his beloved wife's safety, hence he ask's her not to go running, or jogging or power walkin, MAYBE THE WAY HE ASKED or DEMANDED WAS WRONG which is seems to be, since the wife seems upset.

As for the walking behind, I mean, 'the clothes was swaing' and so forth, I mean if that was a reason, then surely, the person would tell the lady please wear your clothes properly, cos if he jus says, walk behind me, then the people on the street walking behind her will still be viewing her clothes sway.

I hope the situation get's better.

peace be upon you
Reply

Snowflake
02-25-2006, 12:20 PM
IsaAbdullah;194139]Peace be with yall
Anyhow, I heard someone saying, something along the lines of 'the husband should have made his unacceptance clear from the start'
What if he didnt see anything wrong with it but then something was brought to light and so his view changed? The brother could be doing this innnocently, alot of poeple are assuming, that the husband is bad, maybe the brother has a reason, that he fears for his beloved wife's safety, hence he ask's her not to go running, or jogging or power walkin, MAYBE THE WAY HE ASKED or DEMANDED WAS WRONG which is seems to be, since the wife seems upset.
Salam,
That someone was me. If you look at the whole situation of the sister, it's obvious that her husband is doing this not because he's found out it compromises his wife's safety, but because he never liked it but didn't have the guts to say it before, in case the sister didn't marry him. And that does happen a lot. Believe it not, most men dont want their women to go out alone because they are insecure and think their wife might talk to another man and that will lead to something between them, causing her to leave him.

If safety was an issue, he could accompany his wife on her daily run. It is no more dangerous than crossing a road and getting hit by a car.

As for the walking behind, I mean, 'the clothes was swaing' and so forth, I mean if that was a reason, then surely, the person would tell the lady please wear your clothes properly, cos if he jus says, walk behind me, then the people on the street walking behind her will still be viewing her clothes sway.
First of all the man was not the women's husband. Therefore he couldnt tell them to walk behind him with that authority. Neither were the women dressed inappropriately, for the man to tell them to dress properly. He asked to walk in front in case the wind caused the garments to lift and reveal their legs. He just wanted to avoid what could have caused his heart to desire what was forbidden to him. The emphasis is on the man's piety and how he avoids fitnah. This is not to say that women should walk behind men.

:w:
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sumay28
02-26-2006, 10:57 AM
I really don't understand this thing about walking behind the man. If anything, the woman should walk in front of the man. I can be kidnapped and my husband wouldn't know a thing about it.
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handhuvar
02-28-2006, 09:45 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by abdul Majid
==HOPE THIS HELPS==


The issue of women in Islam, is topic of great misunderstanding and distortion due partly to a lack of understanding, but also partly due to misbehavior of some Muslims which has been taken to represent the teachings of Islam. We speak here about what Islam teaches, and that is that standard according to which Muslims are to be judged. As such, my basis and source is the Quran--the words of Allah, and the sayings of the Prophet, his deeds and his confirmation. Islamic laws are derived from these sources. To facilitate our discussion we can discuss the position of women from a spiritual, economic, social, and political standpoint.

From the spiritual aspect, there are seven points to remember:

1. According to the Quran, men and women have the same spirit, there is no superiority in the spiritual sense between men and women.
(Qur'an 4:1,7:189,42:11)

2. The Quran makes it clear that all human beings (and the phraseology doesn't apply to men or women alone, but to both) have what you might call a human; He "breathed some of My spirit into divine touch. When God created the him" (or her in this sense). 15:29 See also 32:9. Some of His spirit here means not in the incarnational sense, but the pure, innate spiritual nature that God has endowed her or him with.

3. The Quran indicates again that one of the most honored positions of human, is that God created the human, and as I referred to Sura 17 earlier, it means both sexes, as His trustee and representative on earth. There are many references in the Quran that reaffirm this.

4. Nowhere in the Quran do we find any trace of any notion of blaming Eve for the first mistake or for eating from the forbidden tree. Nowhere, even though the Quran speaks about Adam, Eve, and the forbidden tree, but in a totally different spirit. The story is narrated in 7:19-27, and it speaks about both of them doing this, both of them are told that both of them disobeyed, both of them discovered the consequences of their disobedience, both of them seek repentance and both of them are forgiven. Nowhere in the Quran does it say woman is to be blamed for the fall of man. Furthermore, when the Quran speaks about the suffering of women during the period of pregnancy and childbirth, nowhere does it connect it with the concept of original sin, because there is no concept of original sin in Islam. The suffering is presented not as a reason to remind woman of the fall of man, but as a reason to adore and love woman or the mother. In the Quran, especially 31:14, 46:15, it makes it quite clear God has commanded upon mankind to be kind to parents and mentions, "His mother bore him in difficulty or suffering upon suffering."

5. The Quran makes it clear again to remove any notion of superiority and I refer you again to 49:13. I must caution you that there are some mistaken translations, but if you go to the original Arabic, there is no question of gender being involved.

6. In terms of moral, spiritual duties, acts of worship, the requirements of men and women are the same, except in some cases when women have certain concessions because of their feminine nature, or their health or the health of their babies.

7. The Quran explicitly, in more than one verse, 3:195, 4:124, specified that whoever does good deeds, and is a believer and then specifies "male or female" God will give them an abundant reward.



In the area of economic rights, we have to remember that in Europe until the 19th century, women did not have the right to own their own property. When they were married, either it would transfer to the husband or she would not be able to dispense of it without permission of her husband. In Britain, perhaps the first country to give women some property rights, laws were passed in the 1860's known as "Married Women Property Act." More than 1300 years earlier, that right was clearly established in Islamic law. "Whatever men earn, they have a share of that and whatever women earn, they have a share in that." Sura 4:31.

Secondly, there is no restriction in Islamic law that says a woman cannot work or have a profession, that her only place is in the home. In fact, by definition, in a truly Islamic society, there must be women physicians, women nurses, women teachers, because it's preferable also to separate teenagers in the volatile years in high school education. And if she chooses to work, or if she's married with the consent of her husband, she's entitled to equal pay, not for equal work, but for work of equal worth.

Thirdly, when it comes to financial security, Islamic law is more tilted in many respects towards women. These are seven examples:

1. During the period of engagement, a woman is to be on the receiving side of gifts.

2. At the time of marriage, it is the duty of the husband, not the bride's family. He is supposed to pay for a marital gift. The Quran called it a gift, and it is exclusively the right of the woman. She doesn't have to spend it on the household, she doesn't have to give it to her father or anyone else.

3. If the woman happened to own any property prior to marriage, she retains that property after marriage. It remains under her control. Also, in most Muslim countries, the woman keeps her own last name, and her own identity.

4. If the woman has any earnings during her marital life, by way of investments of her property or as a result of work, she doesn't have to spend one penny of that income on the household, it is entirely hers.

5. The full maintenance and support of a married woman is the entire responsibility of her husband, even though she might be richer than he is. She doesn't have to spend a penny.

6. At the time of divorce, there are certain guarantees during the waiting period and even beyond for a woman's support.

7. If the widow or divorcee has children, she's entitled to child support.

In return for these listed securities, it is clear why the Islamic laws pertaining to inheritance give men a higher share. From the social standpoint, as a daughter we find that credit goes to Islam for stopping the barbaric practice of pre-Islamic Arabs of female infanticide. These ignorant people used to bury female daughters alive. The Quran forbade the practice, making it a crime. Sura 81 Additionally, the Quran condemned the chauvinistic attitudes of some people who used to greet the birth of a boy with gladness, but sadness in the case of a girl.

The duty, not the right, the duty of education, as the Prophet said, is a duty on every Muslim, male and female.

As far as treatment of daughters is concerned, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, "Anyone who has two daughters, and did not bury them, did not insult them and brought them up properly, he and I will be like this," holding his two fingers close together. Another version adds, "And also did not favor his sons over daughters." One time the Prophet, peace be upon him, was seated. A companion was sitting with him. The companion's son came. He kissed his son and put him on his lap. Then his daughter came, and he just sat her by his side. The Prophet told the man, "You did not do Justice," meaning he should have treated the daughter equally, kissed her and put her in his lap also. Indeed, whenever the Prophet's daughter Fatimah came to him, in front of everyone, he stood up, kissed her and let her sit in his favorite place where he'd been sitting.

From the marital standpoint, the Quran clearly indicates in Suras 30:20 and 42:11 that marriage is not just an inevitable evil, marriage is not somebody getting married to his master or slave, but rather to his partner. Sura 30:21 reads, "Among His Signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves, that they may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect." There are numerous verses in the Quran to the same effect.

Secondly, the approval and consent of the girl to marriage is a prerequisite for the validity of marriage in Islam. She has the right to say yes or no.

Husbands' and wives' duties are mutual responsibilities. They might not be identical duties, but the totality of rights and responsibilities are balanced. The Quran says, "Women have the same rights (in relation to their husbands) as are expected in all decency from them, while men stand a step above them." Sura 2:228. This only specifies the degree of responsibility, not privilege, in man's role as provider, protector, maintainer, and leader of the family. The same Sura speaks about divorce, about consultation between husband and wife, even in the case of divorce. When there are family disputes, first the Quran appeals to reason and the consideration of positive aspects of one's spouse, "Dwell with your wives in kindness for even if you hate them, you might be hating someone in whom God has placed so much good." 4:19

If that appeal does not succeed, and problems between the husband and wife continue, there are measures that can be applied. Some of these measures are done privately between husband and wife. Some of them might appear harsh, but there are qualifications to restrict excessive or abusive use of these measures. These measures are considered an attempt to save a marriage rather than break a family apart. If the situation does not improve, even with the limitation and prevention of excesses, the next step is a family council. One arbiter from his family and one from her family should sit together with the couple and try to resolve the problems.

If a divorce becomes necessary, there are many detailed procedures in Islamic law that really knock down the common notion that divorce in Islam is very easy and that it is the sole right of man. It is not the sole right of man alone and neither is it true that all you have to say is: "I divorce you three times," and that's it. Islam also has laws regarding custody of children. I was very surprised to see newspapers making the false claim that in all cases custody goes to the father. Custody involves the interest of the child, and laws often favor the mother of young children.

Polygamy has become so mythical in the minds of many people that they assume being Muslim means having four wives. This is a false notion, of course. A very renowned anthropologist, Edward Westenmark, in his two-volume work, "History of Human Marriage," notes that there has been polygamy in virtually every culture and religion, including Judaism and Christianity. But the point here is not to say, "Why blame Islam?" Actually, Islam is the only religion even among Abrahamic faiths, that specifically limited the practice of polygamy that existed before Islam and established very strict conditions for guidance. The question, "How could any man have two wives? That's terrible!" reflects ethnocentrism. We assume that because we're living in the West and it seems strange, and we assume it must apply to all cultures, all times, under all circumstances. This simply isn't true. Let me give you one current-day example. In the savage attack on Afghanistan, genocide was committed on the Afghani people. It is estimated that 1-1.5 million people lost their lives, a great majority of whom were men of a marriageable age. Now, with a great shortage of men, what will happen to their widows, their orphans and their daughters of marriageable age? Is it better to leave them in a camp, with a handout? Or better a man is willing to take care of his fallen comrade's wife and children?

It is obvious that monogamy is the norm for Muslims. If we assume that having four wives is the norm, then we assume a population of 80% female and 20% male, which is an impossibility on the aggregate level. The only verse in the Quran that speaks about polygamy, speaks about limiting not instituting polygamy. The verse was revealed after the Battle of Uhud in which many Muslims were martyred, leaving behind wives and children in need of support. This verse shows the spirit and reason of the revelation.

The Quran placed obedience to parents immediately after worship of God. 3:14 "We commanded mankind to be kind to his parents," and then speaks of the mother. In a very succinct statement, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, "Paradise is at the feet of mothers." Once a man came to him and asked, "O, Messenger, who among mankind is worthy of my kindness and love?" The Prophet answered, "Your mother." "Who next?" "Your mother." "Who next?" "Your mother." Only after the third time he said, "And your father."

As a sister in faith, in blood, we find the Quran speaks about men and women, that they should cooperate and collaborate in goodness. Sura 9:17 speaks about men and women as supporters and helpers of each other, ordaining the good and forbidding the evil, establishing prayers and doing charity. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) echoed what the Quran said, "I command you to be kind to women." In one of his last commands in his farewell pilgrimage before his death, he kept repeating, "I command you to be kind and considerate to women." In another hadith, he said, "It is only the generous in character who is good to women, and only the evil one who insults them."

On the question of attire, the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet did not say women must adopt a particular dress of a particular country. It only gives basic boundaries, and for a committed Muslim woman, she doesn't follow this simply because her father or husband tells her, but because Allah already stated that as a requirement in the Quran, and was explained through revelation given to Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, that this was not to restrict woman, but to provide a virtuous society where sexual attraction is not the main obsession of everyone. This forces everyone to respect the woman for what she is as a human being, as an intellectual and a spiritual being, rather than being diverted to her sexuality.

Finally, a few words about political involvement. The verse quoted earlier, Sura 9:17, which speaks about men and women being supporters and helpers of each other was taken by some jurists to mean that it involves also public life. How could they ordain the good and forbid the evil without women being active in the affairs of their society? According to the Quran, I'm not talking about the practices of Muslims, in Sura 60:12, we read about Muslim women making "bayyah" to the Prophet. Bayyah as an Islamic term is somewhat analogous, to a degree, to what we would call an election, or oath of allegiance. And that was given in his capacity not only as a Prophet, but as a head of state, as he was already the head of state in Medina.

During the rein of Umar, women participated in law making. Umar made a proposal of a certain regulation concerning marriage. A woman in the mosque stood up and said, "Umar, you can't do that." Umar did not tell her, "Shut up, you are a woman, you have nothing to do with politics, etc." He asked, "Why?" She made her argument on the basis of Quran. In front of everybody, he stood up and said, "The woman is right and Umar is wrong," and he withdrew his proposal. That was the spirit in the early days of Islam.

In the most authentic collection of hadith, Hadith Bukhari, a section is devoted to the participation of women, not only in public affairs, but in the battlefield, too, and not only as logistical support. Women carried arms, and when there was great danger to the Muslims, they volunteered to participate even in the battlefield.

The problems presented here are not the problems of Islam. They are problems of a lack of commitment, lack of application, or misapplication of Islamic teachings by Muslims themselves. The topics I have tried to cover here represent and exemplify the big gap that exists between the true teachings of Islam as derived from its original sources and its projected image in the West and the way some Muslims behave in the disregard of those noble teachings.

There's no question that the Western media has played an important role in perpetuating these misconceptions. But in fairness, we should not blame the media alone. Western culture, in writings about other religions, in particular Islam, have distorted images. From books, novels, even in the academic circle, and sermons from the pulpit in places of worship, these kinds of prejudices are perpetuated.

There are fair and honorable people in the media who are receptive to correction of inaccuracies, and who present the facts, when the facts become manifest, as we have seen in the coverage of the barbaric and cruel treatment of the Palestinians n the Occupied Territories. What I would suggest to the media is instead of depending on the distorted information about Islam, they should keep in touch with educated Muslims, and remember, the U.S. has between 5 and 6 million Muslims. Only through correct representation and open communication with Muslims in America can the media give a fair analysis of current events, given the background of those conflicts, and provide a great service to society.
:sl: thats a really good article
thanx
Reply

Sweet Pea
03-02-2006, 06:10 AM
As salaamu alaikum.

I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
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Sweet Pea
03-02-2006, 06:11 AM
Oh and I want to thank everyone for their advice and input, especially from the sisters. All the articles and links and websites I have visited are very helpful. Thanks everyone I really appreciate you guys helping me.
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i_m_tipu
03-02-2006, 07:49 AM
:sl:
-+ adore for Sweet Pea

-+ extreme dislike for her husband

first i want 2 say u
may Allaah help & guide u

In the Name of Allaah the Most Gracious The Most Merciful
2:45# And seek help in Patience and As-Salat (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khashi'un [i.e. the true believers in Allaah - those who obey Allaah with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise, etc.) and in His Warnings (Hell, etc.)].

Pray salat sister for the pleasure of Allaah
InsAllaah it really help u (the peace u shall got from salat can't be disturbrd by ur hus InsAllaah)
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snakelegs
03-02-2006, 08:12 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
hi,
i think you need to get out of this marriage. your husband sounds manipulative and on a power trip. if he has already hurt you physically this early in the marriage, you need to get out. i can guarantee you it will only get worse.
divorce is sad, but not as sad as the prospect of spending the rest of your life as property to be dominated.
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Christian_dove
03-02-2006, 10:16 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by sumay28
I really don't understand this thing about walking behind the man. If anything, the woman should walk in front of the man. I can be kidnapped and my husband wouldn't know a thing about it.
I know we used to do it in Norway, like 50 years ago. It was to shelter women and kids from traffic as there were no pavements. Man in front, women and children behind ( I don't think it would help much if they were to be hit by a truck, however, it was considered polite towards women). Today it would be rediculous...
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Christian_dove
03-02-2006, 10:20 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
you better stop praying and start running in stead. A marriage is never supposed to be like this. You shouldn't even tell him you are leaving, just go.

Bible is clearly against divorce, unless it involves violence or adultry. Your husband seems to be violent. You are in your right to simply leave him and you should. You deserve a happy marriage, you will be married for the rest of your life. Imagine being unhappy all that time... And if you get kids... Wow, he will be just as bad mannered towards them....
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Cheb
03-02-2006, 10:24 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
Salam sister.
If he has got even worse from the first time you posted I would really suggest you try to get out of this marriage. I mean he really has no reason whatsoever to act the way he is other than personal pleasure. I urge you not to lose hope and try your best to solve this. Get your family involved, let them help you. It seems like it would be much safer if you try and have a family member take you away from that guy.
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Ansar Al-'Adl
03-02-2006, 05:35 PM
:sl: Sister Sweet Pea,
If you have children, you should probably consider their interests carefully before moving for a divorce. If not, then it may be better for you to get a divorce as Islam views compatibilty if two individuals to be very important for a happy marriage. Please see here for divorce information:
http://islamtoday.com/show_sub_secti...8&sub_cat_id=0
:w:
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Snowflake
03-02-2006, 06:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Sweet Pea
As salaamu alaikum.

I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
:sl:
This is terrible. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through sis. People who are jealous and possessive by nature seldom change. My estranged husband used to even ask me what I'm doing if I took longer than a few minutes in the bathroom :offended: I began to start rushing cuz I'd feel so offended by his questions. People of this nature may appear to change, but I am 100% sure that it only needs a little push for them to show their true colours again..... His grabbing you in that manner shows he is not in control of his emotions. We know too well that a push turns to a shove and a shove to a slap and a slap to a punch? In most cases it's just a matter of time.

I don't know if you have children. But a father needs to be a good role model for him to be of any real value to his kids. Only you know if he is capable of being that. But if he is not good to you then what kind of example is he setting for your children? A very bad one! I wouldn't recommend you stay with him for the children's sake. One day they will have their own lives, but you will be left to face this man alone at an age when you need a loving and caring companion.

Finally sis, divorce is the last resort. If I were you, I would separate from him for the time being. I doubt he will change as personal traits are next to impossible to change. Only bad habits are changable. But this separation will make you realise if you are better off without him, or if you have the strength to give it another shot. It will also save you from doing anything rash that you later regret. Not only that, you will get to see how he behaves when things are not going the way he wants.

I wish I was of more help, but you are in my duaas inshaAllah..

take care sis and may Allah (swt) help you make the right decision. Ameen.

:w:
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snakelegs
03-02-2006, 07:12 PM
please get out of this marriage. it has no future but suffering. get out before he hurts you worse. it will not get better.
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ameen
03-03-2006, 01:11 AM
salam,

..and I suggest you don't go to an average imam/scholar for advice on your situation, because he may well tell you to remain 'obedient' to your husband and have more perseverance - in accordance to corruption in certain Hadith.
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AceOfHearts
03-03-2006, 09:33 PM
Assalamu alaikum sister,

I truly am deeply upset in hearing your situation.

I agree with the general advise that you should think about getting a divorce. In Islam a divorce is not hard [society has made it hard] as it is in Christianity.

I understand how hard it must be for you to even take the first step to get out of the mess you are in right now because it sounds like he doesnt even care what you have to say.

I am afraid what Ameen had said has a considerable amount of truth. If you go to an average scholar or imam for help in getting a divorce, you may well be told to 'shut up and put up' with him [in nicer words].

Anyway, I personally advise you do something if you truly have had enough, I appreciate that would be easier said than done.

I sincerely hope and pray to Allah that He has destined a peaceful and happy future for you, however He may bring it about.

Assalamu alaikum.
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Issa
03-04-2006, 01:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ansar Al-'Adl
:sl: Sister Sweet Pea,
If you have children, you should probably consider their interests carefully before moving for a divorce. If not, then it may be better for you to get a divorce as Islam views compatibilty if two individuals to be very important for a happy marriage. Please see here for divorce information:
http://islamtoday.com/show_sub_secti...8&sub_cat_id=0
:w:
:sl: ,
Brother, not to be disrespectful but she should leave ESPECIALLY if she has children. If he is abusive the children see. If the see and she stays they will think it is ok. They may become abusive when they are adults. It isn't a good idea to stay 'for the sake of the children' when someone is abusive...
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AceOfHearts
03-04-2006, 09:07 AM
I too would advise you to not have children in this relationship. Children need parents who are completely devoted to each other.
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Chuck
03-04-2006, 11:01 AM
Salam sis Sweet Pea,
I apologize for not updating you guys on this subject. But My husband doesn't like me spending much time on the comptuer now. He's totally changed, and it's making me really discouraged and upset. I have thought about asking for divorce but I'm afraid to. He grabbed me the other day really hard, and it bruised. I am so confused and distraught. I really need help but I don't know where to turn, he's always got an eye on me. I feel like a prisoner. I continue to pray, make duah and try to be steadfast and keep my head where it needs to be. I have tried voicing my concerns to him, and telling him how I feel but he tells me that feeling is natural when someone converts and changes their whole lifestyle. I didn't know it would feel this miserable and hurtful.
Your husband must be :blind: to treat a person like you like this. Actually, it's wrong to treat anyone like this.

Here are some suggestions, some of which may already have been said.
- Get someone to arbitrator who can understand you and someone he can listen, probably some elder who can explain to him that you have certain right over him too and his behavior on the Day of Judgment can come back and bite him on his arse (for the lack of better term :giggling:).
- Go for divorce.
- Be careful when you bring this issue to him since he has already bruised you. An elder must be with you or you should with someone probably good family with elderly people. You are better person to know if he can hit you over this issue or not. Anyway, try to handle the issue intelligently rather than emotionally, emotions can harm and explode the issue.
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snakelegs
03-05-2006, 01:16 AM
i think sweet pea is being covered in hadees.
i hope she will leave her abusive husband before he gets worse! are you still Out There? please let us know what's happening in your life.
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afriend
03-05-2006, 08:39 PM
At this rate, u will b beating wAk at this....hey wAk, watch out, u got competition...
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afriend
03-05-2006, 08:46 PM
ok

Ur a full member now....

I beg you for 1 last time...

Please stop posting 2 sentences in 10 different posts.
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Cheb
03-06-2006, 02:29 PM
:sl:
I think rather than have an argument on this thread; you can post another thread and argue about it there. For now I believe this sister needs some advice on what she should do. Each of you can provide your own view on what she should do based on ahadith or personal experience or whatever you choose. In the end she should decide on what to do based on all the information she got from this thread.
So please stop arguing amongst each other and start offering realistic solutions.
:w:
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Ansar Al-'Adl
03-06-2006, 04:38 PM
:sl:
The discussion on ahadith has been moved here:
http://www.islamicboard.com/basics-i...-misogyny.html
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snakelegs
03-06-2006, 06:40 PM
thank you for moving the discussion of the hadees.
i am wondering what happened to you, sweet pea. if you're reading this please let us know what is happening in your life. it sounded like your situation was heading for emergency. i hope you are safe.
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ameen
03-06-2006, 06:59 PM
As-salamu'alaikum,

We also have this to add to the equation:

http://www.islamicboard.com/cyber-co...aby-names.html


So she'll be expecting a baby soon as well.
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HeiGou
03-06-2006, 07:43 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Cheb
I think rather than have an argument on this thread; you can post another thread and argue about it there. For now I believe this sister needs some advice on what she should do. Each of you can provide your own view on what she should do based on ahadith or personal experience or whatever you choose. In the end she should decide on what to do based on all the information she got from this thread.
So please stop arguing amongst each other and start offering realistic solutions.
I totally and completely support Cheb. This is serious.

The only solution is to leave. It is tragic, but what else can be done?

From now on, think of your safety. Some men, and in particular some men from some cultures, do not respond well to their wives leaving them. You need to be careful, not talk to him alone under any circumstances once you have left, change your usual habits such as your jogging route.

I hope for the best and that things turn out well for you.
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Sweet Pea
03-10-2006, 04:58 AM
Okay well seems like this thread has become about another topic. I just wanted to come in to tell everyone that I have tried to ask an imam about divorce but he didn't do anything but tell me to stay with my husband, and he even told my husband. Maybe not directly but just put it this way, my husband now knows. He has gotten worse and worse. I am now staying with my parents again, I left one day last week while he was at work. I am hoping to get my life back together and keep praying for strength and wisdom about what to do. I am 4 months pregnant with his child, and part of me wants to stay to be a family but honestly I am afraid of being abused physically then I could loose my baby, or even loose the baby because of stress. But anyway thanks for all the advice and care you guys have given me. I will keep everyone posted on what I Do. :)

As saalaamu alaikum!
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snakelegs
03-10-2006, 05:06 AM
thanks for checking in.
i'm glad you are out of there. i wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. but i hope you don't go back. chances are very strong that the violence and abuse will only escalate - and your child may suffer too.
stay safe!
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swanlake
03-16-2006, 11:19 AM
Salaam sister

How are you this week? Pls be careful. Let us know how you are.
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Snowflake
03-16-2006, 06:34 PM
salam sweetpea sis,

Hope you are well inshaAllah. I'm glad you asked the imaam for advice, even if he abused ur confidence and as a result made ur husband worse. You tried to make things work so you needn't feel guilty about leaving and I'm glad you have. I'm sorry you had to go through this but you will emerge a stronger person inshaAllah. Life is full of good and bad experiences, so don't blame urself for anything. Just have faith in Allah and take care of yourself. I pray Allah grants you with a beautiful, healthy and pious child. Ameen.
Your child will give you strength to cope with anything. Stay strong & keep smiling.

best wishes and duaas *hugz*

a muslim sister
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ridaa_islam
03-16-2006, 07:09 PM
assalamu alaikum sweet pea sis,
u probably know dis, but im just reminding u dat the Quran is known for its miraculous qualities...u read it for guidance, u'll get guidance 100%...u read it for shifaa, inshallah u'll get dat too...just open the quran and read it at random whenevr u're faced with overwhelming questions.u'll find the answer inshallah.believe me, i've tried dis.
u sound strong.u'll get thru dis and come out the winner inshallah.sis,we're all rooting for u...watever u do, dont give up on islam...
take care n keep in touch.
may peace ever descend upon ur heart,
wassalam,
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