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Scottish muslim
04-13-2005, 11:37 PM
Hi,

I am currently seeing a girl who is divorced with 3 kids from her previous marriage and one child from me. We have been seeing each other for about 4 and a half years. We are compatible with each other and get on very well and deeply in love.

I would like to marry this girl but I don't think I could cope, emotionally or financially with her 3 kids from before.

She has spoken with her mother and her mother has agreed to take them on and look after them.

Is this islamically right?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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Khattab
04-13-2005, 11:46 PM
We cant pass judgement on here brother, where in Scotland are you from? if its Glasgow speak to Imam Ghafuar at Glasgow Central Mosque, he is really good brother. Inshallah he will give you advice on it.
Reply

Khaldun
04-13-2005, 11:47 PM
:sl:

wait sorry brother i dont quite understand that, you have a child with this lady, but your not married to her?
Reply

Scottish muslim
04-13-2005, 11:59 PM
Yes,

I have a child with her but we are not married.
Reply

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Umm Yoosuf
04-14-2005, 06:42 AM
Assalaamu Alaykum

Erm you had the kid outside marriage? correct?...I..erm Insha Allah see a Shaykh for advice.

All the best :)
Reply

Uma Rayanah
04-14-2005, 11:08 AM
Originally Posted by Scottish muslim
Yes,

I have a child with her but we are not married.

:zip: Subhaan Allah..
Reply

Brother_Mujahid
04-14-2005, 11:18 AM
the brother is asking for advice, if you have nothing to say then please refrain from posting.
Reply

Uma Rayanah
04-14-2005, 11:38 AM
Originally Posted by Scottish muslim
We have been seeing each other for about 4 and a half years. We are compatible with each other and get on very well and deeply in love.

Well u siad u known each other 4 4 years and a half.... Look at wha Islaam says about dis relationship..

Question #1114: Ruling on taking boyfriends or girlfriends

Question :



I am deeply in love with a Muslim man and want to marry him. I know that Allah forbids girlfriend-boyfriend relationships, and feel very sorry in my heart for our relationship. I feel that because we have been in this relationship which is abhorred by Allah, he will never marry me because he has lost respect for me. What does the Quaran say about this?



Answer :

Praise be to Allaah.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… Wed them with the permission of their own folk and give them their mahr (dowry) according to what is reasonable; they should be chaste, not adulterous, nor taking boyfriends…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:25]

In his commentary on this aayah, Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

“Muhsanaat [translated as “chaste”] means that they should be pure, not indulging in zinaa (unlawful sexual conduct), hence they are described as not being musaafihaat, which means promiscuous women who do not refuse anyone who wants to commit immoral acts with them. Regarding the phrase wa laa muttakhidhaati akhdaan (‘nor taking boyfriends’), Ibn ‘Abbaas said: ‘al-musaafihaat means those who are known to commit zinaa, meaning those who will not refuse anyone who wants to commit immoral acts with them.’ Ibn ‘Abbaas also said: ‘muttakhidhaati akhdaan means lovers.’ A similar interpretation was narrated from Abu Hurayrah, Mujaahid, al-Sha’bi, al-Dahhaak, ‘Ataa’ al-Khurasaani, Yahyaa ibn Abi Katheer, Muqaatil ibn Hayyaan and al-Saddi. They said: (it means) lovers. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: ‘It means a (male) friend.’ Al-Dahhaak also said: ‘wa laa muttakhidhaati akhdaan also means a woman who has just one boyfriend or lover with whom she is happy. Allaah has also forbidden this, meaning marrying her so long as she is in that situation…’”

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Made lawful to you this day are al-tayyibaat [all kinds of halaal (lawful) foods…]. The food of the People of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you have given their due mahr (bridal money given by the husband to the wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e., taking them in legal wedlock), not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. And whosoever disbelieves in the Oneness of Allaah and in all the other Articles of Faith, the fruitless is his work, and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers.” [al-Maa’idah 5:5]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

“Muhsineen ghayr musaafiheen wa laa muttakhidhi akhdaan (‘desiring chastity (i.e., taking them in legal wedlock), not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends’). Just as Allaah imposed the condition of chastity on women, meaning that they refrain from zinaa, so it is also imposed on men. The man must also be pure and chaste. So they should be ghayr musaafiheen, meaning they should not be adulterers who do not refrain from sin and do not refuse any who come to them (for immoral purposes). Nor should they be muttakhidhi akhdaan, meaning those who have girlfriends or female lovers with whom they have an exclusive relationship, as quoted above from Soorat al-Nisaa’. (The one with many lovers or the one with just one lover) are both the same. For this reason Imaam Ahmad ibn Hanbal (may Allaah have mercy on him) said that it is not right to marry a promiscuous woman unless she has repented, or to arrange a marriage of such a woman to a chaste man, so long as she is still conducting herself in this manner. Similarly, he (Ahmad) says that it is not right for a promiscuous man to marry a chaste woman unless he repents and gives up his immoral conduct, because of this aayah… We will discuss this matter in further detail after quoting the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):

“Let no man guilty of fornication or adultery marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” [al-Noor 24:3]

Among the stories that show that it is forbidden to have girlfriends or to marry them is the story of Marthad ibn Abi Marthad, who used to smuggle Muslim prisoners-of-war from Makkah to Madeenah. There was a prostitute in Makkah, called ‘Anaaq, who had been a friend of Marthad’s. Marthad had promised to take one of the prisoners from Makkah to Madeenah. He said: “I came to the shade of one of the gardens of Makkah on a moonlit night, then ‘Anaaq came and saw my shadow by the garden. When she reached me, she recognized me and said: ‘Marthad?’ I said, ‘Marthad.’ She said: ‘Welcome! Stay with us tonight.’ I said, ‘O ‘Anaaq, Allaah has forbidden zinaa (unlawful sexual relations)’ … I came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, should I marry ‘Anaaq?’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) remained silent and did not answer me at all, until the aayah ‘Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever; nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman; to the Believers such a thing is forbidden’ [al-Noor 24:3 – Yusuf ‘Ali’s translation] was revealed. Then the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘O Marthad, Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever; nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman, so do not marry her.’”

(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 3101; he said: it is a hasan ghareeb hadeeth).

‘Abd-Allaah ibn Maghfal reported that there was a woman who had been a prostitute during the days of ignorance (before Islam). A man passed by her, or she passed by him, and he touched her. She said: “Stop it! (Mah! A word connoting a rebuke or denunciation). Allaah has done away with shirk and had brought Islam.” So he left her alone and went away, still looking at her, until he walked into a wall, hitting his face. He came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him what had happened. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You are a man for whom Allaah wishes good. When Allaah, may He be blessed and exalted, wishes good for His slave, He hastens the punishment for his sin, so that it is dealt with before the Day of Resurrection.” (Reported by al-Haakim, 1/349, who said this hadeeth is saheeh according to the conditions of Muslim, and al-Dhahabi agreed with him. See Saheeh al-Jaami’, 308).

These aayaat and ahaadeeth clearly indicate that it is haraam (forbidden) for men to have any kind of friendship or relationship with non-mahram women (women to whom they are not closely-related and to whom they could get married). The evil consequences and misery caused by such relationships are obvious to anyone who observes real life. A similar question has been asked under #2085. We ask Allaah to keep us far away from that which is forbidden, to protect us from all that may earn His wrath and to keep us safe from a painful punishment. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.




Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)

Originally Posted by Scottish muslim

I would like to marry this girl but I don't think I could cope, emotionally or financially with her 3 kids from before.

She has spoken with her mother and her mother has agreed to take them on and look after them.

Is this islamically right?
well,, wha about da mother can she cope of takein care of 3 kids and she is an elderly,, it's should be da other way around i guess :confused:

here is another fatwa 4 u 2 look at it,,

Muslim society and the care of the elderly

Question :




How are the elderly treated in Islam? Do they have a special status? Do they receive care that suits their health needs?.


Answer :
Praise be to Allaah.

Islam is the religion of compassion and justice, a religion that teaches perfect morals and forbids bad conduct, a religion that grants man his dignity, if he adheres to the laws of Allaah.

There can be no doubt that Islam has given the elderly a special status, as there are texts which urge Muslims to respect and honour them.

Care of the elderly in Islam is based on a number of focal points, including the following:

1 – Man is an honoured creature and has an honourable status in Islam.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And indeed We have honoured the Children of Adam, and We have carried them on land and sea, and have provided them with At‑Tayyibaat (lawful good things), and have preferred them above many of those whom We have created with a marked preferment”

[al-Isra’ 17:70]

So the elderly, as sons of Adam, are included in this high status, based on the general meaning of this verse.

2 – Muslim society is the society of mutual compassion and coherence

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Muhammad is the Messenger of Allaah. And those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves”

[al-Fath 48:29]

And Allaah says, describing the believers (interpretation of the meaning):

“Then he became one of those who believed (in the Islamic Monotheism) and recommended one another to perseverance and patience, and (also) recommended one another to pity and compassion.

They are those on the Right Hand (i.e. the dwellers of Paradise)”

[al-Balad 90:17-18]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described the believers as being like a single body. He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The likeness of the believers in their mutual love, mercy and compassion is that of the body; if one part of it complains, the rest of the body joins it in staying awake and suffering fever.” Narrated by Muslim, 2586.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 13.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The Most Merciful has mercy on those who are merciful. Be merciful to those who are on earth so that the One Who is in heaven will have mercy on you.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1924); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1569.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The relationship of the believer to the people of faith is like that of the head to the body; the believer is pained by the suffering of the people of faith just as the body is pained by the suffering of the head.” Narrated by Ahmad, 32370); narrated by al-Albaani in al-Saheehah, 1137.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Man is doomed and a loser if Allaah does not put compassion for mankind in his heart.” Al-Albaani said in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (456): its isnaad is hasan.

3 – The Muslim society is a society of cooperation and mutual support

Ibn Abi’l-Dunya narrated from Ibn ‘Umar that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most beloved of people to Allaah is the one who brings most benefit to people, and the most beloved of deeds to Allaah is making a Muslim happy, or relieving him of hardship, or paying off his debt, or warding off hunger from him. For me to go with my Muslim brother to meet his need is dearer to me than observing i’tikaaf in this mosque – meaning the mosque of Madeenah – for a month… whoever goes with his Muslim brother to meet his need, Allaah will make him stand firm on the Day when all feet will slip.” Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, 2623.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever relieves a Muslim of one of the hardships of this world, Allaah will relieve him of one of the hardships of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever helps one who is financial difficulty, Allaah will help in this world and in the Hereafter, and whoever conceals a Muslim’s (fault), Allaah will conceal his (fault) in this world and in the Hereafter. Allaah will help a person so long as he helps his brother.” Narrated by Muslim, 2699.

4 – The elderly person has a high status before Allaah if he adheres to the laws of Allaah.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one of you should wish for death or pray for it before it comes to him, for when one of you dies, his good deeds come to an end, and nothing increases a believer’s lifespan but good.” Narrated by Muslim, 2682.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Shall I not tell you who is the best of you? The best of you is the one who lives the longest life, if he is righteous and does good deeds.” al-Albaani said in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (2498): it is hasan li ghayrihi.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you are those who live the longest and do the best deeds.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3263.

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one is better before Allaah than a believer who lives a long life in Islam because of his saying Subhaan-Allaah (tasbeeh), Allaahu akbar (takbeer) and Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (tahleel).” Narrated by Ahmad, 1404. al-Albaani said in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (654): its isnaad is hasan.

Al-Tirmidhi narrated (2329) that a Bedouin said: “O Messenger of Allaah, who is the best of people?” He said, “The one who lives a long life and does good deeds.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1899.

5 – Respecting the elderly and honouring them are characteristics of the Muslim society

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Part of glorifying Allaah is honouring the grey-haired Muslim.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4843; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 4053.

An old man came wanting to see the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the people did not make way for him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect our old ones.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1919; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1565.

6 – Ways in which the Muslim society takes care of the elderly

(i) Enjoining good treatment of parents:

This is one of the ways in which the elderly are cared for in Islam, because parents are usually elderly. The command to honour one’s parents is accompanied with the command to believe in Allaah alone (Tawheed) and the prohibition on associating others with Him (shirk) in many verses, for example Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Worship Allaah and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents…”

[al-Nisa’ 4:36]

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents”

[al-Isra’ 17:23]

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: I asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “Which deed is most beloved to Allaah?” He said, “Prayer offered on time.” He said, “Then what?” He said, “Then honouring one’s parents.” He said, “Then what?” He said, “Jihad for the sake of Allaah.” He told me that if I wanted to ask him more, he would tell me more.

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 527.

(ii) Enjoining honouring one’s parents’ friends even after the parents have passed away, and regarding that as part of honouring one’s parents.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Part of honouring (one’s parents) is to keep in touch with your father’s friend.” Al-Albaani said in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (23030): it is saheeh when all its isnaads are taken into consideration.

Muslim (2552) narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar that a man from among the Bedouin met him on the road to Makkah. ‘Abd-Allaah greeted him with salaam, made him ride on the donkey that he was riding and gave him the turban that he had been wearing on his head. Ibn Dinar said: We said to him, May Allaah guide you, they are just Bedouin and they are content with something simple. ‘Abd-Allaah said: The father of this man was a close friend of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab and I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say, “The best way of honouring one’s parents is for the son to keep in touch with his father’s friends.”

Some of the salaf even used to travel in order to keep in touch with their father’s friends. Ahmad (26998) narrated that Yoosuf ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Salaam said: I came to Abu’l-Darda’ when he was sick with the illness that would be his last, and he said to me, “O son of my brother, what has brought you to this land?” or “what has brought you?” He said: I said, “Nothing except to maintain the tie (of friendship) that existed between you and my father ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Salaam.”

This is one of the forms of elder care in Islam. When the members of the Muslim society visit the friends of their fathers they help to include the elderly in society and put an end to the isolation they feel, which in turn reduces impact of the social and psychological changes that the elderly go through.

This is unlike what happens in non-Muslim societies. From time to time we hear news of what happens to some of the elderly there, and the extent of the isolation in which they are living.

There was an old man who was left dead in his apartment for four years, and his body was only discovered by accident. Al-Jazeerah newspaper, issue no. 7751, 7/1414 AH.

In a report from the Ministry of Families, Youth and Seniors in Germany in 1993 CE, it says that there are 440,000 elderly people who are subjected to physical and mental abuse at the hands of their relatives and family members at least once each year.

There was an old paralyzed woman who died of starvation in her apartment because her son had cut off her water, electricity and gas, until the neighbours found out what was happening… but after it was too late.

And an elderly man died in his flat in London; he had five children but not one of them knew of his death until six months later.

There was an old woman in Germany whose house had a garden which was very beautiful. She took care of it all year round for the sake of only one day each year when her children came to visit her, because she loved them so much but they ignored her. She prepared the garden for them one day and made delicious food for them, then she was shocked when they made excuses and did not come. She wept a great deal and nearly cried herself to death.

In one of the upper-class areas of Tokyo an elderly man was discovered in his apartment one and a half years after he died. And an old lady was found who had died of starvation in her apartment.

Even stranger than that is the elderly man who was over ninety years old, and no one knew that he had died for five days after his death. What is so strange is that he died in a seniors’ home in the city of Sabor on the island of Hokkaido, and none of the workers in the home realized that he had died until some of his relatives came to visit him and they found out what had happened.

Praise be to Allaah for the blessing of Islam.

And Allaah knows best.




Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)



ALLL DA BEST...INSHALAH KHIAR...
Reply

S_87
04-14-2005, 02:02 PM
:sl:

i think you should marry her
if you dont marry her are you goin gto continue seeing her? if your deeply in love?
yes?
well then marry and marry asap

The adulterer marries not but an adulteress or a Mushrikah and the adulteress none marries her except an adulterer or a Muskrik (and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely he is either an adulterer, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater, etc.) And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress, etc.)). Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism).

24/3
Reply

aamirsaab
04-14-2005, 02:39 PM
islamically im not sure what advice i could give as i am no scholar or imaam.
however, if yours (and her) parents agree on it and you truly do love each other then there is no problem, even in financial terms, Allah (swa) will make it possible for you because He looks after us.

If she feels the same way about you then marry her - she needs all the support she can get and if you are prepared to give it her then do so, but there probably will be some sacrifices. If you are willing to make them then marry her, mate. :D
Reply

Far7an
04-14-2005, 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by aamirsaab
islamically im not sure what advice i could give as i am no scholar or imaam.
Good point
Originally Posted by aamirsaab
however, if yours (and her) parents agree on it and you truly do love each other then there is no problem, even in financial terms, Allah (swa) will make it possible for you because He looks after us.
I dont know about you dude, but I call that advice. If nobody is qualified to answer him and does not have a fatwa from a sheikh, I strongly recommend we keep quiet InshaAllah.
Reply

Uthman
04-14-2005, 05:20 PM
:sl:

Indeed thats true. :) Then the only advice I could give is for you to ask a Sheikh or scholar. You can even ask on the internet from places like Islamonline and a good one with a good scholar at Understanding-islam :) I'm sure there are many more. :)

:w:
Reply

Lina
04-14-2005, 05:50 PM
:sl:

Allah Ou A3lam

:w:
Reply

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