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artichokeforest
04-29-2006, 04:20 PM
I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.

Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.

But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.

I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.

I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.

About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...

Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?
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muslimf
04-29-2006, 06:24 PM
Some parents force their children to marry people from their own country, which is rather backwards, but the child doesn't really say anything because he doesn't want to upset or stand against his parents wishes.
Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.
However, in Islam you need to be married to someone you love, we have no such concept as boyfriend/girlfriend.
We don't play around like that, if you truly love someone there needs to be commitment, and you will need to be someone who is going to stick with that person you truly love till the end.

These boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually last for a month, year, but eventually they end, and you have to ask yourself, did you truly love that person?
In Islam we do not experiment either until we find "the right person".
We choose the right person based on his compatibility, not on his looks or how hot he looks.
Those are things that are unimportant to a relationship.
Which is why you see western women falling for a guy because he had a nice chest, or he looks "cute" or "sexy".
This is all a recipe for a short-term, lust motivated relationship.

Two people come together and stay together because of compatibility and understanding!

Wasalam.
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Protected_Diamond
04-29-2006, 06:54 PM
Im deeply sorry you had to go through a relationship like that. Noone deserves that kind of treatment but i guess he felt he needed to keep his parents honour & dignity within the community. Islam prevents muslims from going out with each other and if all muslims could follow the rules of Allah s.w.a life itslef would be soo much easier & at ease. Allah s.w.a knows the wisdom behind this rule & as we are humans we can only undestand so much. The rules of islam are for OUR benifit and not Allah s.w.a! the sooner we realise this the better! :rose:

Peace!
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rubiesand
04-29-2006, 08:01 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me??
My guess is that he was feeling guilty about having a haram relationship but lacked the backbone or willpower to bring it to an end himself. So he encouraged you to learn about Islam so that eventually you would yourself realise that what was happening was wrong, and call an end to physical contact between you. This you did, and it was at this moment that he dropped the bombshell about his engagement to the cousin.
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al-fateh
04-29-2006, 08:17 PM
inshallah things will ease up
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glo
04-29-2006, 09:33 PM
Dear artichokeforest

I have no answers for you.
As a non-Muslim I am trying to fathom the Islamic way of thinking myself - finding it extremely puzzling at times.

But as a non-Muslim I may have an understanding of the kind of relationship you had.
Like most Western relationship, my husband and I started out like that: meeting each other, getting to know each other and falling in love.
It would never have occured to me that somebody else may have a say in who I was to marry!

My heart goes out to you!
I don't know what will become of your boyfriend and his marriage, but I cannot see good come out of it!

This may sound harsh, but if he has gone to marry a stranger to please his parents, perhaps his love for you wasn't as strong as you both hoped? :hmm:

Perhaps you should move on.

Blessings,
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artichokeforest
04-29-2006, 10:59 PM
Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...
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NJUSA
04-30-2006, 12:22 AM
I have known and known of several women in your situation.And you know the truth- that you honestly gave love to a man who could not in good faith go through with your plans. Pray, comfort yourself, spend time with friends and family. There are good men out there who are not committed, who are aching for a wonderful woman like you. Go out there and get you one!
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BlissfullyJaded
04-30-2006, 01:16 AM
:sl:

First of all, you have reverted, correct? Alhamdulillah, and welcome to Islam sister dear.

No offense, but I think it would be best for you to forget about this brother. He is married, and despite that he said he loved you, he also had contact with his cousin. He hasn't met her in 9 years, but thats not the point! He has met her, and knows her personality. Maybe its forced, but maybe he is happy with it. You can't judge that. He didn't tell you that he was getting married, so there are other things he may not be telling you, such as him truly loving his cousin. He too knows that it will be a slap on your face to tell you how wonderful his cousin may be. :)

Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce?
Love marriages also end in divorce. :) Sorry to be harsh, but whether its arranged or love isn't the key point. But both partners have to be mature enough to uphold their responsibilities and fear Allah in their treatment with each other.

Anyways, like you yourself have stated and accepted, physical contact with the opposite gender cannot occur. It is a sin, a form of zina. Forget about this dude, and move on. Spend your time learning Islam, Quran, how to pray, etc. :) May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) reward you, keep you on the right, and grant you a compatible spouse. Ameen. :)
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dreams2reality
04-30-2006, 02:42 AM
Assalamu alaikum sister,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this situation. I know very well what you have been through and are going through at this moment, and it is hard but it will get easier insha Allah.

when I was new to Islam a brother that a I thought was so pious asked me to marry him, it was arranged to be secret, and he would make his parents understand and accept it after we graduated (so naive I was). For years I believed him, and when I became pregnant he began to show who he really was and the lies started to unravel. He told me to have an abortion or he would kill himself, the whole time I was pregnant he was never there for me, I barely saw him, and he never even helped me get anything for the baby. His parents found out when I was 8 months pregnant, they said that I was not culturally compatible and that our marriage was against Islam because they did not agree...and that my son would never know his father, and then his rare visits and half-hearted promises to be there when our son was born and be with us after stopped. I called the sheikh, who said he should be there, and I called him and asked him to come while I was in labor. I begged him to be part of our sons life, and couldn't understand how when they are so cultural and come from a culture that valued family so much could just ignore my son and I. He never showed and I gave birth alone and attempted to say the adhan in my sons ear in English. My son was born early due to the stress I was under and when I brought him home from the hospital it was so sad, I didn't have clothes or anything. To this day he doesn't support or see my son. He came around a few times and said he loved us and tried to get back with me, I soon learned that he was engaged to his cousin and had been for the whole 3 years that this was going on. He saw our son and I and said he loved us etc and promised me he wouldn't marry her and then flew off to get married in the home country of his parents. Of course he married her and my son and I meant nothing to him, we never did, it just took getting slapped in the face like that for me to realize it.

I know sooo many women, converts and non converts, that this has happened to and for awhile I was so angry and so far from Islam. But this is not Islam, and there are some very good Muslim brothers out there. I eventually found my way back and my iman increased and I was closer to my deen alhumdulilah. I met a good man through my wali and when I accepted his proposal last week there was nothing kept secret, his family is not happy but they know, and insha Allah they will be happier about it in the future. The best advice I can give you is when your ready to get married follow the guidelines of Islam and you cant go wrong. You will find a good man who will make you happy insha Allah.

I know its really hard to accept and impossible to understand, for a long time I kept saying why would he marry her when he loves me, how can this be happening, the concept was so foreign to me. Your sitting there helpless and he is getting married across the sea. He told me that same things that Anis told you, that it didn't mean that he didn't love me and that he would never love another woman like he loved me, etc. Eventually I just had to accept it for what it was, he didn't love me and his intention was not to please Allah but himself. I hope that you will accept it and move on faster than I did insha Allah, its really the best thing you can do. Its different when he is a Muslim man that lives to please Allah, and is guided by Islam, when he is a true example for you, and wants to make sure that you are given the rights that Islam has granted you, I promise. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to listen, and I'm moving to Canada in a few weeks insha Allah so we will have lots to talk about!
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DigitalStorm82
04-30-2006, 10:10 AM
May Allah be with all those who are mistreated.

Acceptance of the will of Allah is the key to happiness.
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M H Kahn
04-30-2006, 07:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
I am new to Islam and to this community.
I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship.
Your relationship, as appears from your story, was not one built up for the sake of Allah; rather you happened to be in a Western Style love with each other for the purpose of sex. But at the same time the boy has cheated you with the carrot of marriage. Now you have to repent sincerely for the adultery you have done with the boy and seek God's forgiveness with a firmly settled mind that you will never commit any adultery any more in futre. Then seek Allah's help with prayer and patience, as Allah says: "O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." 002.153
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*noor
04-30-2006, 07:24 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by DigitalStorm82
May Allah be with all those who are mistreated.

Acceptance of the will of Allah is the key to happiness.

so true, and if you think about it when you accept something, you're free from worrying about it all of the time. :)
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Concealed Pearl
05-02-2006, 02:10 AM
Sister, please research Islam on your own and discover its beauty. Insha'allah the love for islam will enter your heart, and you will become a strong and steadfast Muslim who will be blessed with the best husband ever. INSHA'allah.
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syilla
05-02-2006, 02:17 AM
he is not worth it....

write down 100 -ve things about him... to try to forget about him
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Mezier
05-02-2006, 02:40 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...
Not many posts touch me, but yours was one of the few that did! I want you to know that my post is in the interest of YOU and YOUR well-being, and in no way trying to offend you or hurt you.

You made an excellent point there. I have seen A LOT of immigrant muslim men come to the west and get mixed up with bad things. Because all of these things are new to them, they don't know how to react to them or the feelings they have towards them.

Maybe that guy 'thought' he loved you, I'm sure it was something new to him, and maybe his love wasn't as strong as it appeared to be. So you know what I say? He is NOT worth it!! So move on (yes it is harder done then said) but it is for YOUR benefit.

Also, about his fiancee finding out about the truth.....his guilt will slowly eat him up on the inside at the same rate as his love grows for his future-wife, so you could probably count on her finding out sooner or later.

I know its hard to forget about what has happened and move on, but it is only doing damage to yourself. Let me try to explain it with a little step-by-step thought process that you are most probably going through:
1. You think to yourself how much you love him
2. Then you say, why did he hurt me like this?
3. You'll most probably continue on to think about how you could possibly forgive him for what he has done if he only comes back to you.
4. You'll then realize that he isnt coming back and will resent him even more than before.
5. Then you'll hope that his wife finds out about you and that his marriage goes sour, just so he can feel the way you did (revenge)
6. However, you regret thinking that because you remember how much you love him. (And this leads directly BACK to #1, and each time the pain will get worse and worse)

you HAVE to take yourself out of this loop if you want to move on. And the best way would be through Islam! :)

I hope I didnt confuse you :?

:w:
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extinction
05-02-2006, 04:30 AM
I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah?
Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?
did you convert for him or for God/Allah?
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glo
05-02-2006, 05:46 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by hafizmo
I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?
There seems to be a fair group of young female converts to Islam.
The same thought has crossed my mind: how many of those did convert for the boy they love?
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dreams2reality
05-02-2006, 06:28 AM
I HATE this mentality. First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!

Second, I converted after a serious accident where doctors said that I would never walk or talk again, and was lucky to be alive. I converted because everything that medical science said was defied, because I knew that the only reason that I was there berating, and now walking and talking, is because ALLAH put me there! I converted because Allah took mercy on me and gave me a 2nd chance at accepting Islam, the accident happened right after I had decided to stop studying Islam. I could have died a kafer and Allah didn't let that happen, instead he took me apart and put me back together again as only HE could do, to guide me! I am so insulted when people say oh she converted to "marry our good men" etc.

Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not. Who are you to judge her intentions? What is important is that she is Muslim now and that she has the SUPPORT of Muslims to help her learn her deen and be a good Muslim for the sake of Allah. So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.
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extinction
05-02-2006, 06:39 AM
First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!
You what, how does it?
Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not.
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?
So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.
I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.
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Umu 'Isa
05-02-2006, 06:43 AM
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?
welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.
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extinction
05-02-2006, 06:48 AM
welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.
yes exactly only Allah knows thats why I wouldnt want to risk it..........I'm sorry to say I am skeptical about such things(bad I know) but I am.......and now back to topic
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dreams2reality
05-02-2006, 07:28 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by hafizmo
You what, how does it?
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what? I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.
You ask how it goes both ways? Well isn't it just as possible that she converted for Allah and not for you? Isn't it possible that there are men out there who marry women for other reasons and not for Allah? How can you judge someone's intentions?

To answer your question about her "going to back to her old ways" isn't it just as possible that she converted for a good Muslim man who taught her well about Islam and she eventually accepted Islam for Allah? Isn't it possible that her intentions could have changed?

Asking questions can be very insulting when done in the way that you did it, suppose you did marry a "white girl" and someone asked you if you married her for a green card or for Allah, would you not be insulted? You and so many other Muslims ask converts on a constant basis if they converted for Allah or for a man, our intentions are being judged and that insults us.
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SirZubair
05-02-2006, 07:33 AM
I am not pro-aranged marriages.

But i wont be unfair to people who commit themselves to arranged marriages either.

It is unfair to say "dont arranged marriages end up in divorces?" i know of more arranged marriages that Survive the Ups and Downs of life compared to 'love relationships'

And sister artichokeforest,...i suggest you ask your Boyfriend those questions that you have posted on the forum,he is in the position to answer your questions,no1 else in here can answer your questions.

Surely we can give you our Opinions,..but if you want answers,you know where you'll find it,all you need now is the courage to make the move and ask the right person the right questions.

Peace.
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swanlake
05-02-2006, 11:16 AM
Salaam Aleykum

I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. This is how it usually goes. A guy likes a girl, he sweeps off her feet, making promises etc and then he finds out that she wont put out and she is dropped like hot potato. This happens all the time. Those men who stick around are those who are serious about you and want commitment.

Having said this, there was a reason intermingling (having boyfriends/girlfriends) was forbidden. All this heartache and uncertainty are out of the picture. Lets face it..men and women behave differently and usually are after different things from relationships.

Sister if you reverted for him, try to learn about Islam properly this time.

May ALlah ease your pain sis and i suggest that he isnt worth your love if he was willing to go through a marriage.

If he found so easy to disobey Allah which is he finding hard to disobey his parents? Was it because he was just messing with you? Man like that you dont want as a father for your kids or as a husband.

Take care sis

Salaam
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A(SMILE ITS ME)
05-02-2006, 11:26 AM
SLAAM,
I feel ur pain, sometimes muslim bros lead astray,
unfortunatley all bros are not like that. you have changed,learnt the hard way, but islam will guide u for a better future.
by the way FORGET HIM
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glo
05-02-2006, 11:29 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by swanlake
Salaam Aleykum

I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. [...]
Salaam
Good point! :hmm:
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Nicola
05-02-2006, 11:46 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by hafizmo
I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

very good point!
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artichokeforest
05-04-2006, 01:18 AM
I suppose you are right! ALL of you are in some ways. The thing I can't stand is the righteousness sometimes. There are still many questions I need to answer in my position to Islam. I don't think there are many people who convert overnight. Even groups of people who have converted have always retained many of their ancestral customs, and combined them with Islam. So how do i fit in that way. For all those people born into Islam, they have troubel seeing the cultural context, Turkish Islam, Indonesian Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufi...all the various divisions and sub-divisions.

I like the Sufi take the best. Where are all the Sufis?

I feel a deep blessing(baraka) for my experience, and wish not to trash it, by feeling sorry for myself. I don't see myself as a victim. I do feel very heart-broken and I miss him deeply. I believe our love was genuine. I read Sayib Talib's, A Season of Migration to the North. I see the battle between the East and the West, the Orient and Occident. My face is Japanese, but with a hijab i could pass for a muslim, more easily that caucasion reverts.

Given my expectations as a person raised here, this kind of thing only happens in the soap operas. It seems so dramatic and extreme. I think I am still simply in shock.

Did I convert for him or for Allah? Well I would say for both. I cannot separate them. the experience of love, erased alot fo my pain, and put me in touch with many answers. I think once my heart heals and mends itself, I will make my final decison on where I stand.

I don't have a community. An Islamic community. Nor do I know where to find one. I wonder why Anis could not have facilitated this more. Did he not have a responsibility. I always like i was trying to be something, that i had no idea about. Try to be a Sudanese lady. I have the feeling he will regret it, at some point. I have even wondered if it would eat away at him.

In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!

Bizmillah
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glo
05-04-2006, 05:51 AM
Thank you for your honest post. You certainly have spent some time pondering these things, haven't you? :)


format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest

In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!

Bizmillah

I hope you find the time, peace and space in Guatemala to make those important decisions for yourself! How soon are you going?

I don't know any Muslims down there, but I do know how to weave! ;D

Blessings on your road to discovery.
Perhaps, perhaps, just perhaps you'll be able to share with us one day, how things went ...

Love,
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Selising
05-04-2006, 07:07 AM
I don't have any muslimat friend in Sudan, but my friend's husband is working there for Petronas Malaysia. Maybe he can help u find a muslimah friend in Geutemala.

My advice is... forget him. When I broke-up with my ex, I tooks 6 months to forgive and I took 3 years to forget. U can forget him sooner if u find a better guy. Don't think about the memories. He is not a good Muslim when he without feeling guilty to Allah commit sins. If he can betray his fiance, he can betray his wife very easily. When he commit a sin and nothing harm happen to him, he will do it again with other lady with or without your knowledge without feeling guilty. Does he a good muslim?
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extinction
05-04-2006, 07:21 AM
Man like that you dont want as a father for your kids or as a husband
exactly!! hes not worth crying over cause he surely wont cry over you.....and would you want that?
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Umm Khalid06
05-04-2006, 09:06 AM
hi there.
I know how you must feel broken heart. You will be thinking how you want him back but trust me you don’t I’ve been in that kind of situation where I very day wonder if I converted for god’s sake or him. His not worth your time that’s how I feel now and be happy you have not had a child for that man. But Allah will help you if you ask for help and keep reading more about Islam and sake knowledge of Islam within your community you will be shocked in what you will find.
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glo
05-04-2006, 09:54 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by lilly_rose
you will be shocked in what you will find.
What do you mean by that, Lilly Rose?

Blessings,
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Umm Khalid06
05-04-2006, 09:57 AM
well i have been going around the islamic community near me and they have been helpfull and more then willing to help.
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glo
05-04-2006, 10:02 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by lilly_rose
well i have been going around the islamic community near me and they have been helpfull and more then willing to help.
That's good! :)
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Umm Khalid06
05-04-2006, 10:04 AM
thank you glo
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artichokeforest
05-04-2006, 12:33 PM
Well, thanks for your support in the matter. BUt at this point I don't really want to hate him, or look down upon him. Is that a very Islamic attitude? I realize that he was promised before he even met me. I admit , he could have been alot more honest with me, from the beginning. Then , perhaps, we could have found some way, some compromise. Anis, even went into a severe depression for months, and i think it was because of his internal conflict, between me and what his parents wanted. Is he not being a good muslim, by following his parents wishes?

The way I see it, the sheer momentum of his culture, is much more powerful then his individual desires. Is this not what has made Islam such a powerful religion all these years. Freedom of choice,is not a high priority.

Does it sound like I am making excuses, for his bad behaviour to me?? Probably. DO I appreciate your opinions, Yes!

I do wish he would have stood up for me. The person I would want to be with, would have done that. But it is a risk. Now at least I am free to find someone who is truly meant to be with me... I will continue learning more about Islam, becuase now that it is in my heart, i cannot turn my back on it.
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rubiesand
05-04-2006, 01:24 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
I will continue learning more about Islam, becuase now that it is in my heart, i cannot turn my back on it.
That's good to hear, sister. May Allah bless you with a good husband who will be the companion of your soul.
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searchingsoul
05-17-2006, 07:36 AM
Maybe he loved you the best way he knew how. Are you a better person for having known him? I bet you are. Try to remember what the two of you had in a positive light but be willing to recognize any errors or sins the two of you made. Best of luck to you.
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babagrr
05-19-2006, 10:59 AM
assaallaamu alaykum

I have no excuse for him in anyway whatsoever.

And I do not aprove of those who judged you in how you conducted yourselves in the past.

I would strongly advise you to associate with people who has substance and forget about him.
If he was a Muslim, and he had feelings and respect for you as well as fear for Allah, he wouldn't have gone through with the marriage.

Yes, I was Christian before and reverted on my own.

And yes, we'd all like to not have these girl-friend boy-friend relationships but, frankly, the culturalists do not leave many alternatives for those who are young.

I do not judge those people; I embrace them, help them, try to understand them but, I never judge them.

****
All the best for you and don't feel saddened by your ordeal:
Be thankful that you have a heart and that you are able to feel;
Be greatful to Allah that he didn't put such a weak-spirited person by your side.
At-least you have the ability to love, appreciate and hurt.

Alot of culturalists don't have hearts.
They are robots and prisoners of their own families.

***
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Hellen Keller

Take care.
Assallaamu alaykum
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Skillganon
05-21-2006, 02:50 PM
The way I take it, is he has no obligation to follow his parents wishes in choosing his wife, but the fact he has chosen it, than he made the choice, and he should be honest with you. If he already has consumated the marriage than he had no right to do what he done to you, let alone of having casual relation when he knew, but you should not hold any grudge even though he hurt you but make dua for him and wish him the best. The best thing is to cut contact with him.

Peace. and I will make Duah for you and the other person.
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primitivefuture
05-21-2006, 02:59 PM
I don't think it was wise for you to convert just because you wanted to maintain a relationship with Asim. Did you convert because you sincerely wanted to be Muslim?
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Skillganon
05-21-2006, 04:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by primitivefuture
I don't think it was wise for you to convert just because you wanted to maintain a relationship with Asim. Did you convert because you sincerely wanted to be Muslim?
If she sincerely did not believe in ISLAM now, than the logical thing would been of her to leave ISLAM, since she supposedly (not a factual) entered for him only without any intention than she would leave logically when she lost him.

We should not question her faith, but we should help he and support her in everyway and even learning more about our deen (ISLAM), that's our JOB.

MAke Duah for her.
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artichokeforest
05-21-2006, 10:36 PM
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
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Ghazi
05-21-2006, 10:37 PM
:sl:

^Problem solved.
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primitivefuture
05-21-2006, 10:40 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
BAD idea, IMO. You will spend the rest of your life with a woman whom you dont know at all to begin with.
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Skillganon
05-21-2006, 10:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
Well the choice is still your's, but I will advice you to check up the validity of the statement, did she really say it. Or if you think his being truthfull.

The underlining choice is yours and don't feel pressured into thinking you have any obligation to accept. Plus can he provide for you and her, you have to look at that. Think wisely.
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artichokeforest
05-22-2006, 12:14 AM
So exactly how does that work in Canada?
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Skillganon
05-22-2006, 12:20 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
So exactly how does that work in Canada?
I have no Idea, but me preferably won't but that's my choice (if I was a girl) but I am not a girl, and I am not in your situation. Just don't be to hasty in jumping in. Take your time thinking about it, and ask allah(s.w.t) to guide you.
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Hawa
05-22-2006, 12:23 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???


sis this is very simple, do you want to marry him or not?
if you do well then I wish all three of you the best..

if you dont then be curt, tell him and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea..
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Skillganon
05-22-2006, 12:27 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Hawa
sis this is very simple, do you want to marry him or not?
if you do well then I wish all three of you the best..

if you dont then be curt, tell him and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea..
Plenty of fish but the plenty of wrong bait around too!
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primitivefuture
05-22-2006, 12:28 AM
Easier said than done.....
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Hawa
05-22-2006, 01:20 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Skillganon
Plenty of fish but the plenty of wrong bait around too!

true, however one must go around these things in a certain way.. if you do it the haram way then your just asking for trouble. Go through the proper channels and inshallah you'll get a God-fearing brother..
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artichokeforest
05-22-2006, 01:21 PM
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!

Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?

I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.
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searchingsoul
05-22-2006, 02:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ------------
First Of All.......... Is Havin A Boyfriend Allowed In Islam???........... Erm I Dont Think So Honeys

Can a Muslim explain this to me? I am a Christian married to Muslim, so we were allowed to date. Why do some Muslims think that it's okay to date while others (I think most on this forum) do not think that it is okay?

I posted earlier that one of my girlfriends married an Imam and they dated prior to marriage. This is confusing me.
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Goku
05-22-2006, 02:15 PM
It is haram (forbidden) to have relations outside of marriage in Islam, including prior to marriage, those who do, are deviating from Islam.
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searchingsoul
05-22-2006, 02:18 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Goku
It is haram (forbidden) to have relations outside of marriage in Islam, including prior to marriage, those who do, are deviating from Islam.

Is this the viewpoint of the majority of Muslims today?
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...
05-22-2006, 02:19 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Goku
It is haram (forbidden) to have relations outside of marriage in Islam, including prior to marriage, those who do, are deviating from Islam.
Yep so true. Ur not allowed to be alone with a man at all and u should speak to them in a serious tone.
:peace: :)
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IceQueen~
05-22-2006, 02:20 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by searchingsoul
Is this the viewpoint of the majority of Muslims today?
this is the viewpoint of Islam-any muslim who says/does otherwise is not practising...
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HeiGou
05-22-2006, 02:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by searchingsoul
Can a Muslim explain this to me? I am a Christian married to Muslim, so we were allowed to date. Why do some Muslims think that it's okay to date while others (I think most on this forum) do not think that it is okay?

I posted earlier that one of my girlfriends married an Imam and they dated prior to marriage. This is confusing me.
It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.
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searchingsoul
05-22-2006, 02:25 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by HeiGou
It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.

I find it hard to believe that an Imam wouldn't have the best judgement. I guess I don't see the strictness in Muslims around me.
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muslimah111
05-22-2006, 02:27 PM
u know sis, dont worry. everything is from Allah. insha'Allah, u will get sum1 ten times or even more better than anis. sum1 who'll luv u forever n who'll neva betray u. u know, raelly u guys shouldtnt have been together but anyway, be pateint n have 100% hope in Allah's mercy n u'll get wat u want. be it anis or not.

also, not all arranged marriage end in divorce. they work better than luv marraiges.

anyway, catch up with u later.

sorry if i've repeated wat n e 1 else has sed, didnt get a chance to read everyone's.

wassalam
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searchingsoul
05-22-2006, 02:29 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by xmuslimahx
also, not all arranged marriage end in divorce. they work better than luv marraiges.
Do they evolve into passionate marriage, or practical marriage?
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IceQueen~
05-22-2006, 02:29 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by HeiGou
no meeting even,
where did this come from? you are allowed one meeting to see the person...
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...
05-22-2006, 02:33 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by HeiGou
It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.
What are u trying 2 say? That is definately not the case! It is not a cultural thing at all, but it's just that some people who don't have imaan change the rules around to suit their needs, or should i say desires.

And if ur saying that islam is strict then why don't u look at all the problems that dating has caused! u'll notice that there is a lot of wisdom behind islam.

and by the way u are allowed to meet the person once before marriage. But u can't go out with every person that u think u might marry one by one!
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artichokeforest
05-22-2006, 02:50 PM
Just want to say that I don't appreciate the subtle threat I received my pm from HeiGou. He said basically I am being rude, and that suggesting poygamy is not cool, could get me kicked off this forum. Whoa.

And also I wanted to re--phrase my question about arranged marriages:
How many arranged marriages work, when the wife is exported from her country, into a Western country, without language, career or any support network/extended family??? We are talking about globalization phenomenon.
I also read somewhere that 90% of muslim men, want to marry for love, but only 10% of women will marry for love.

As far as dating, I guess many Muslim men, think the West if hanky-panky land. Why can't they be better disciplined and keep their hands to themselves???
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artichokeforest
05-22-2006, 06:13 PM
dear Heigou,
I would respond to your pm if I could. But my status is limited, so in order to respond, posting on the forum is my only course of action. Frankly I found your message intimidating and patronizing. If you are trying to prove to me that Islam is the real way, I am not sure about your logic.

If you would a personal response then I suggest sending me an e-mail address that i can respond to.
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glo
05-22-2006, 07:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!

Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?

I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.
Dear artichokeforest

I have to write this post to tell you that I can relate to your point of view.
Like you, I find polygamy a totally alien concept. :heated:

I also feel that some posters here seem to give you a fairly hard time. I don't understand why - perhaps I have to read the whole thread to get a clue.

People, it would be nice if you could cut artichokeforest some slack!
If she doesn't agree with your own views and seems rather outspoken about it, it's because she is having a tough time.
Having the man you love firstly disappear off for his arranged marriage, and then secondly have the gall to suggest you to be his second wife, is - quite frankly - to most modern women an insult!! :rant:

I don't expect you do agree with artichokeforest, but please treat her with some kindness and respect!

peace. :thankyou:
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Safa
05-22-2006, 08:36 PM
Everyone, why don't we all consider solving the problem of the thread starter and not post some of our own problems in the same thread. If someone needs advice they should start their own thread. It's better that way don't you think. It'll cause less arguement and less confusion.

To artichoke,

format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Just want to say that I don't appreciate the subtle threat I received my pm from HeiGou. He said basically I am being rude, and that suggesting poygamy is not cool, could get me kicked off this forum. Whoa.
Not necessarily, you are welcome to learn more about polygamy and I suggest that you do. There are many forms under polygamy, there's polygyny (men having more than one wife) that is allowed in islam. And there's polyandry (women having more that one husband) which is not allowed. You can look up the reasons here and here.

As for you feeling that polygamy is not cool, well many women feel this way, even Muslim women. It is a natural thing to feel, not many would want to be share their husbands and for those that do, have their reasons or are doing it for the sake of religion. Islam does limit men to have four wives, if they can afford to (treat them equally etc.) otherwise, they are recommended to have just one.
And also I wanted to re--phrase my question about arranged marriages:
How many arranged marriages work, when the wife is exported from her country, into a Western country, without language, career or any support network/extended family???
Why do you ask that?

For the most part, it would be hard for the wife to adopt to a new environment. She'd miss her home and family so most probably she'd make visits back home often. If she doesn't know the language of that country, she would have to learn. Knowing English would help though, it's spoken almost everywhere. It is widely spoken so chances are the wife might know some english or can learn it in a small period of time.
Careerwise, if the woman has had a good education she can find a career that suits her. Even though she won't have any extended family, she has her husband, she'll get to know other people around her. It's not so bad depending on the situation.
I also read somewhere that 90% of muslim men, want to marry for love, but only 10% of women will marry for love.
I'm not sure about these stats but it is still forbidden for Muslim men and women to have relationships before marriage. Arranged marriages are not always forced marriages, the man and woman do have a say. Arranged marriages do turn out good from what I've seen. Forced marriages are not allowed in Islam as well, but it is prevalent in some cultures.

As far as dating, I guess many Muslim men, think the West if hanky-panky land. Why can't they be better disciplined and keep their hands to themselves???
I would like to know if that is true myself. But let's not generalize shall we :) .

I think you should move on as well, if the man loved you he would have asked you to marry him first and not hurt you like that.

Peace.
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Hawa
05-23-2006, 01:53 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!

Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?

I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.

Accepting to be in a polygamous relationship has nothing to do with where you're raised..be it Canada..Saudia or Timbaktu one can be a second/third/fourth wife, according to her state of Iman or so I like to believe, correct me if im wrong..
sharing one's husband is no easy feat but if you truly have your heart set on pleasing Allah the concept of polygamy would not seem so daunting.
I've heard of sisters who share their husbands with their best friends, in a world where the ratio of men to women is so uneven is it not selfish not to share your husband with other God-fearing sisters?
the level of intimacy need not vary just because you have a co-wife, it all depends on ones attitude towards the akhira, remember that this world is temporary and that Allah has promised us unfathomable rewards if we perservere and show great character, is not this a test for us women? Besides were you not in a monogamous relationship of sorts? how did that work out for you?

It seems the purpose of peoples lives today isnt to attain jannah in the hereafter but rather to find the 'love of our lives' or as many tend to say 'the one' when we forget that Allah is Al-Wahid and that He alone is sufficient for us..
It is to him we belong and to him we return, doesnt this thought make marriage seem truly insignificant? if we honestly married to complete our deen instead of 'finding happiness' we would have less divorce rates and happier muslims in general..
im sorry to have gone on and on but sis your looking at things from a very bad angle..
you should think of growing your knowledge in Islam rather than finding a husband..you just came out of a bad relationship, I honestly felt your pain as I read your original post!
Concentrate on Allah and things will inshallah fall into place..
who knows we might end up sharing a husband :happy: ..
(jumping the gun a bit)
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Skillganon
05-23-2006, 01:56 AM
Look at it this way also, Men can't choose from any married women. And women has no limit in that sense as they can marry married men, aslong as they don't have 4 already. So women have more choice in that matter.
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firdaw
05-23-2006, 03:24 AM
if he would really love you, he would tell his parents that he cannot marry the girl that they pick for him and that he loves someone else and that they need to understand that, because your parents cannot make someone marry u after they want whats best for you. But i am sure everything is going to work out find. I hope everything goes will for you and that your love continues for him because maybe that the girl might refused.
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searchingsoul
05-23-2006, 03:32 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Hawa
Accepting to be in a polygamous relationship has nothing to do with where you're raised..be it Canada..Saudia or Timbaktu one can be a second/third/fourth wife, according to her state of Iman or so I like to believe, correct me if im wrong..
sharing one's husband is no easy feat but if you truly have your heart set on pleasing Allah the concept of polygamy would not seem so daunting.
I've heard of sisters who share their husbands with their best friends, in a world where the ratio of men to women is so uneven is it not selfish not to share your husband with other God-fearing sisters?
the level of intimacy need not vary just because you have a co-wife, it all depends on ones attitude towards the akhira, remember that this world is temporary and that Allah has promised us unfathomable rewards if we perservere and show great character, is not this a test for us women? Besides were you not in a monogamous relationship of sorts? how did that work out for you?

It seems the purpose of peoples lives today isnt to attain jannah in the hereafter but rather to find the 'love of our lives' or as many tend to say 'the one' when we forget that Allah is Al-Wahid and that He alone is sufficient for us..
It is to him we belong and to him we return, doesnt this thought make marriage seem truly insignificant? if we honestly married to complete our deen instead of 'finding happiness' we would have less divorce rates and happier muslims in general..
im sorry to have gone on and on but sis your looking at things from a very bad angle..
you should think of growing your knowledge in Islam rather than finding a husband..you just came out of a bad relationship, I honestly felt your pain as I read your original post!
Concentrate on Allah and things will inshallah fall into place..
who knows we might end up sharing a husband :happy: ..
(jumping the gun a bit)
You have a way with words. I'm against polygamy but starting to look at it in a new light....:? Thanks for sharing
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Hawa
05-23-2006, 04:11 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by searchingsoul
You have a way with words. I'm against polygamy but starting to look at it in a new light....:? Thanks for sharing

lol get on the wagon sis :happy:
its not the end of the world as many would have you believe..
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Maarya
05-23-2006, 05:51 PM
salam sister
i feel sorry for u and don't no what advise to give, but what i can say is that u're starting a new life with islam so take that further and turn a new leaf and start everything again and forget about the past and enjoy the future. u can't change the past so its best to forget about it (even though it's hard to). look forward to the future and u're marriage.
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Kidman
05-23-2006, 05:55 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by firdaw
if he would really love you, he would tell his parents that he cannot marry the girl that they pick for him and that he loves someone else and that they need to understand that, because your parents cannot make someone marry u after they want whats best for you. But i am sure everything is going to work out find. I hope everything goes will for you and that your love continues for him because maybe that the girl might refused.
Mashallah, i agree. If i really loved a girl, i would do whatever it takes, as long as it's halal :)
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artichokeforest
05-24-2006, 02:07 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Safa

Why do you ask that?

For the most part, it would be hard for the wife to adopt to a new environment. She'd miss her home and family so most probably she'd make visits back home often. If she doesn't know the language of that country, she would have to learn. Knowing English would help though, it's spoken almost everywhere. It is widely spoken so chances are the wife might know some english or can learn it in a small period of time.
Careerwise, if the woman has had a good education she can find a career that suits her. Even though she won't have any extended family, she has her husband, she'll get to know other people around her. It's not so bad depending on the situation.
I ask this question because when people throw around assertions as to whether arranged marriages are better or worse, I always feel the situation must be recognized in it's context.

I think this forum is great because there are people writing from all over the world. But i think few, living in Islamic countries, understand the challenges of integrating into a Western culture. I know of Anis's friends, there are 3 couples, who started out arranged marriage in Sudan, and came to Canada together. 2 of them have children, all three couples spilt up within their first year of arriving in Canada.I have also heard of a number of Somali couples that this has happened to. I guess I just feel there is an absence of recognition of the huge mitigating role of culture in regards to acceptable behaviour.

In Canada, having 2 wives is not acceptable. I have grown up my whole life with this as a fact. I know for many of you living in Malyasia or the Arabian peninsula (or wherever) Polygamy is a fact. As I have a hard time understanding conceptually your realities, I am sure you have difficulty understanding mine. We can leave it at that. Dialogue is good.

So when i say context, I think it is necessary to understand and anaylize the the risks and challenges of any union.

I know there is a part of me, that does not beleive their relationship can work out. Perhaps, that is why I asked the question. I am deeply hurt by this situation, and definitly it makes me wonder if it is possible to trust muslim men. I feel Anis is a weak man and i have no respect for him anymore. I feel that the way things have unfolded is a blessing in disguise.

ALSO, THANKS GLO. I appreciate your perspective and thanks for standing up to me.

As for all these rules in regards to one's behaviour in relation to getting to know potential partners. Frankly, within my context, I find it SO UNREALISTIC. I am a professional lady, living alone in a large city. My family lives many hours away. Alll my friends are Canadian, many artists and musicians, many are male. How exactly am I suppose to take this context and islamize it?? So I am suppose to end all my friendships with my male friends ( some have been friends for 15 years), I am suppose to never go out with my friends? I just can't really get my head around this!

Do people not see that Islam is much a culture as it is a religion. Even historically most groups who have converted, have retained many of their pre-islamic traditions. To change culture is something that takes time.
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glo
05-24-2006, 02:15 PM
You are welcome, sister! :)

I don't have much time to write right now, but I hope you are doing okay!

Peace.
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Imam786
05-24-2006, 02:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by syilla
he is not worth it....

write down 100 -ve things about him... to try to forget about him
:thumbs_up :sunny: i agree 100% ....sis i heard many stories like this and guess what im not surprised ...believe it or not u should move on..these girlfriend boyfriend things dont last ...they are all temperary..
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~Stranger~
09-06-2006, 10:51 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by dreams2reality
Assalamu alaikum sister,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this situation. I know very well what you have been through and are going through at this moment, and it is hard but it will get easier insha Allah.

when I was new to Islam a brother that a I thought was so pious asked me to marry him, it was arranged to be secret, and he would make his parents understand and accept it after we graduated (so naive I was). For years I believed him, and when I became pregnant he began to show who he really was and the lies started to unravel. He told me to have an abortion or he would kill himself, the whole time I was pregnant he was never there for me, I barely saw him, and he never even helped me get anything for the baby. His parents found out when I was 8 months pregnant, they said that I was not culturally compatible and that our marriage was against Islam because they did not agree...and that my son would never know his father, and then his rare visits and half-hearted promises to be there when our son was born and be with us after stopped. I called the sheikh, who said he should be there, and I called him and asked him to come while I was in labor. I begged him to be part of our sons life, and couldn't understand how when they are so cultural and come from a culture that valued family so much could just ignore my son and I. He never showed and I gave birth alone and attempted to say the adhan in my sons ear in English. My son was born early due to the stress I was under and when I brought him home from the hospital it was so sad, I didn't have clothes or anything. To this day he doesn't support or see my son. He came around a few times and said he loved us and tried to get back with me, I soon learned that he was engaged to his cousin and had been for the whole 3 years that this was going on. He saw our son and I and said he loved us etc and promised me he wouldn't marry her and then flew off to get married in the home country of his parents. Of course he married her and my son and I meant nothing to him, we never did, it just took getting slapped in the face like that for me to realize it.

I know sooo many women, converts and non converts, that this has happened to and for awhile I was so angry and so far from Islam. But this is not Islam, and there are some very good Muslim brothers out there. I eventually found my way back and my iman increased and I was closer to my deen alhumdulilah. I met a good man through my wali and when I accepted his proposal last week there was nothing kept secret, his family is not happy but they know, and insha Allah they will be happier about it in the future. The best advice I can give you is when your ready to get married follow the guidelines of Islam and you cant go wrong. You will find a good man who will make you happy insha Allah.

I know its really hard to accept and impossible to understand, for a long time I kept saying why would he marry her when he loves me, how can this be happening, the concept was so foreign to me. Your sitting there helpless and he is getting married across the sea. He told me that same things that Anis told you, that it didn't mean that he didn't love me and that he would never love another woman like he loved me, etc. Eventually I just had to accept it for what it was, he didn't love me and his intention was not to please Allah but himself. I hope that you will accept it and move on faster than I did insha Allah, its really the best thing you can do. Its different when he is a Muslim man that lives to please Allah, and is guided by Islam, when he is a true example for you, and wants to make sure that you are given the rights that Islam has granted you, I promise. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to listen, and I'm moving to Canada in a few weeks insha Allah so we will have lots to talk about!

I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.

Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.

But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.

I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.

I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.

About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...

Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?
subhanallah, arent these stories so similar?? shows what males really care about- women's rights or their testosterone's rights?

sisters these 2 creatures u met dont deserve ur tiny liitle toes, they're worthless creatures and the belong to 1 place- hell! obviously all they care about is their sick sexual desires, they knew all along they're going to marry their cousins but they still played u to keep what between thier legs warm, thats all. they never loved u or cared about u so my advice for u is to move on, u 2 have discovered the most beautiful thing in the world- islam!!! so stick to it and insha'allah ull find real pious brothers who will love u more than they love themselves and who will treat like u should be treated and the way islam tell them to do, like queens and who will not follow theit testosterone!!!!!

subhanallah i never imagined something like this happeneing but my hate toward males has just grown bigger!!
Reply

DigitalStorm82
09-06-2006, 10:57 AM
Instead of hating "males" you should hate specific individuals... then again.. hatred isn't something that should be in your heart.. its a toy for shataan...
Reply

~Stranger~
09-06-2006, 11:02 AM
we're not talking about me here

and its too late but my hatred isnt enough. these pigs need to be taught a lesson they'll never forget, but the only thing that comforts me is that theyll get what they deserve from the most just judge, Allah, and when they do, it will be nothing like the pain the sisters feel now

my heart goes for u sisters but have patience, their day will come!
Reply

DigitalStorm82
09-06-2006, 11:14 AM
I guess there is nothing less to say when you refer to some of the muslims as "pigs." Despite their unjustified, disturbing and sinful actions... they are still brothers in Islam.
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DigitalStorm82
09-06-2006, 11:14 AM
nothing else to say*

Correction :)
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~Stranger~
09-06-2006, 11:30 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by DigitalStorm82
I guess there is nothing less to say when you refer to some of the muslims as "pigs." Despite their unjustified, disturbing and sinful actions... they are still brothers in Islam.
no offence but such males arent my brothers

my last input in this thread

:)
Reply

Snowflake
09-06-2006, 12:22 PM
Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?
:sl:

Maybe he wanted you to convert to ease his own guilt of being in a haraam relationship, as there is reward in giving dawah (inviting others to Islam). He knew it was wrong so probably thought if some good comes out of it then at least in his mind it will balance his sinful actions.

This will be very hard to digest sis and I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but the only way to describe this situation is that to him it was probably a case of 'Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free'. To a large majority of muslim men part of the attraction of marriage is a marrying a virgin or at least someone they haven't been physically intimate with before. If all that has taken place before marriage they have nothing to look forward to on their wedding night. The novelty has worn off already. Sad but true. If he truly loved you, even the affair wouldn't have mattered to him.

Getting engaged and stringing you along is despicable. It just goes to show he is incapable of being honest and fair. I think you've had a lucky escape. Think about it. It wasn't just you he lied but his fiance didn't even know about him being with you. He is a liar and you are better off without him. All the best. I wish you happiness, inshaAllah.

Artickokeforest:Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.
A man's not a man if he can't speak up for himself. It's a man's job to convince his family that a woman is worthy of being his wife. He's just a spineless human being. May Allah give him hidayah. Ameen.

:w:
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~Stranger~
09-06-2006, 04:26 PM
'Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free'
this is what ive been looking for sis- jazakAllah

nicely put- reps ;)
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Woodrow
09-06-2006, 05:31 PM
:sl:

I have just now read this thread. To be honest I have nothing to say that has not been said. The concern now is today, not what happened yesterday. You have made a big step by reverting to Islam. As a revert myself, somethings can be a bir odd at first. However, I notice you have a background of being multi-cultural, that is an advantage, use what you have learned. Always remember that our goal is to always let life be in accordance with Allah's (swt) Strive for that and all will be fine Inshallah.

Also welcome home to Islam Sister artichokeforest, it is good to see you found your way home. Remember, you were always Muslim, you have just chosen now to come home.
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glo
09-06-2006, 06:10 PM
Artichokeforest has not posted for over three months.
I wonder what happened to her ... :?
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Tayyib musawwir
09-11-2006, 03:43 PM
Asalammu Alaikum Dear Sista Wecome To Islam I'm African American Name Is Tayyib 22 Years old Born Detroit Michgan Live Minneapolis And Are You American To So How Is Bein Muslim AJustin For You When First Came Into It
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Littleozzybloke
09-12-2006, 07:16 AM
With respect to all, I just can't accept this 'arranged marriages' concept...

As a non-muslim, i see it as going into a shop and picking up an order someone else had made.

Isn't it better to be able to choose whom we want to marry/have our children and spend our life with?
Than to be presented with a woman and told "this will be your wife and she will have your children..."

no thankyou very much..i'm the one that has to live with this person, so i will be the one to make that choice.

respectfully....phill
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rubiesand
09-12-2006, 08:06 AM
Hi Phill,

What you have just described is more akin to a forced marriage than an arranged marriage. Nobody reasonable thinks that forced marriage is a good idea. In an arranged marriage both parties have a choice.
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F.Y.
09-12-2006, 08:33 AM
For a muslim marriage to be valid - there must be consent from both the girl and the guy. To coerce people into marriage is not what we agree with.

Peace
Reply

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