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Dhulqarnaeen
05-26-2006, 01:40 AM
:sl:
Theres some parent in law, and they love their grandchildren so much. But what bothering is they llike to spoil their grandchildren too much. When we tell our children not to eat candy, PIL always follow their demand to buy the candy. Some of couple ever talked in front of PIL to their children that they may not eat candy too much so PIL listened and knew that they forbid their children to eat too much candies. But still, if the children asked for candies then PIL just followed their demand. What should we do to stop it but also not offense the PIL and hurt their heart ? :brother:
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Najiullah
05-26-2006, 01:49 AM
nice post bro
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Woodrow
05-26-2006, 01:57 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Dhulqarnaeen
:sl:
Theres some parent in law, and they love their grandchildren so much. But what bothering is they llike to spoil their grandchildren too much. When we tell our children not to eat candy, PIL always follow their demand to buy the candy. Some of couple ever talked in front of PIL to their children that they may not eat candy too much so PIL listened and knew that they forbid their children to eat too much candies. But still, if the children asked for candies then PIL just followed their demand. What should we do to stop it but also not offense the PIL and hurt their heart ? :brother:
That is a very common problem. Being a grandfather myself, I can understand where the P-I-LS are coming from. It is hard for us to resist the pleas of the little ones. Are the P-I-Ls Muslim if so you could explain to them that because of the way candies are made, most are haraam. If not explain to them that you are worried about all the health hazards of candy and suggest that they bring them fresh fruitsas a better choice.

Do not expect the P-I-Ls to listen immediatly. You will have to tell them many times. But, don't get discouged and talk to them calmly and with love.
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 05:08 AM
Perhaps you can all sit together and have a talk with PILS warning them abt the health hazards that candies can have on the children. And as Bro Woodrow said, try asking them to buy stuffs like fruits and other stuffs dat are good for health for the children.
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 05:10 AM
Tell them that if they can't abide by your rules there contact with the grandchildren will be limited.
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 05:28 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by searchingsoul
Tell them that if they can't abide by your rules there contact with the grandchildren will be limited.
I dont really agree wid this one. Its seems a bit rude; moreover they are elders and i think that the solution u've just provided can weaken the family ties. Moreover, from my point of view, this can lead to a sort of sin; for example if this goes beyond what you expected and all the family ties are broken due to your fault, then this can be a sin since a Muslim is not allowed to break tie with another Muslim for more than 3 days.

Hope dat you got what i mean.
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 05:36 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by aljawaad


I dont really agree wid this one. Its seems a bit rude; moreover they are elders and i think that the solution u've just provided can weaken the family ties. Moreover, from my point of view, this can lead to a sort of sin; for example if this goes beyond what you expected and all the family ties are broken due to your fault, then this can be a sin since a Muslim is not allowed to break tie with another Muslim for more than 3 days.

Hope dat you got what i mean.

I understand and respect what you are saying. I think that the error belongs to the grandparents. If they wish to continue their errors, then they are the ones who would be responsible for weakening the family unit.
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 05:41 AM
Yeah you can be right but i guess that better solution exist, right?
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 06:08 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by aljawaad
Yeah you can be right but i guess that better solution exist, right?
Make the children fearful of candy. Tell them, "IT WILL MAKE YOU FAT AND YOUR TEETH WILL ROT OUT!"
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Tania
05-26-2006, 06:44 AM
You should take action according with the distance between you and the grand parents.If you are taking the children only few times/year to see them, i think you have 0 excuses to tell them anything related to the candies. If they see the children every day or every week, you should tell them the children refuse to eat fruits and you don't know how to teach them. Like parent ,you can't handle the issue. Trust me, the grand parents will help you to correct the issue and in this way the candies will be forgot.:)
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 06:47 AM
Guess dat you are both rite.
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SolaceinIslam
05-26-2006, 06:54 AM
:sl:

I am having the same problem...:grumbling

My MIL used to give my daughter candy on a daily basis. I sat down with her and explained the damage the candy and ice cream and chips do to the child's teeth. I also explained that it is better to teach the child from an early age to eat healthy so they won't have a problem later in life. She agreed with everything I said...:)

A week later she started giving junk again on a daily basis:offended: . I tried to explain that I know she is a grannie and I don't mind her spoiling my child, but once a week is more than enough. Things were ok for a while, but then it went back to candy daily.

For a while I left it, but then my friend's child's teeth have to be taken out since they are rotten because of too many sweet things... the child is two:rollseyes ... it is many years to go before she will get her permanent teeth...:X

In my opinion, PIL should respect the parents enough to at least not to things to upset them, especially if it is nothing unreasonable.

:w:
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 07:50 AM
I fink like you spoke to ur MIL, dat was beneficial for some tym. U c hers the solution keep talking to her each tym this is repeated.
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 07:53 AM
You really shouldn't have to speak to someone each time they are in error. The erroring adult makes the decision to err. I think it's time for tough love for the grandparents.
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 07:54 AM
double post
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aljawaad
05-26-2006, 08:05 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by searchingsoul
I think it's time for tough love for the grandparents.
Can you xplain plz?:?
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searchingsoul
05-26-2006, 08:07 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by aljawaad


Can you xplain plz?:?

Tough love: The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern.

In this case the grandparents don't abide by the parental rules so they have to face some consequences. Hey, they probably used tough love with their own kids.;D
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Muezzin
05-26-2006, 08:55 AM
Parents in law and candy. Ah, they have so much to do with marriage that it brings a tear to my eye.
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Mawaddah
05-26-2006, 10:49 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Muezzin
Parents in law and candy. Ah, they have so much to do with marriage that it brings a tear to my eye.
Dreadful Sarcasm Bro, In a way it does have to do with marriage.........because you only get PIL's after you get married no? But Maybe this thread should be moved to the cyber counselling or something.


I think the only way to deal with Grandparents like this, are to talk with them directly, and of course give good reasons for why the children shouldn't be eating candy......although you would think that they would know better than to give the child all that candy dont you :rollseyes


Or if the PIL's are so stubborn and give in to the pleas of the little ones all the time, then maybe you should turn your attention towards the grandchild instead and tell him/her DO NOT ASK NANA FOR CANDY OR ELSE!! (Fill in whichever threat lol )
But seriously, it shouldn't go on, especially since we know that plenty of candies hold haram ingredients and ingredients which can practically kill the poor child.............
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*charisma*
05-28-2006, 06:54 AM
Assalamu Alaikum

I hope this is relevant in some way or another, but if you fear the PILs not corresponding with your desires, the you should talk to the children.

When I was younger, my mother always told us "No, meant No". If we wanted something, as respectful children we should ask for her permission. This doesn't only teach the child to resist and obey, but also it teaches the adult offering that the parents have ruling over the child, so more often they will begin to ask the parent "can they have this or that" rather than approve of the child disobeying the parents.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam
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Mawaddah
05-28-2006, 09:50 AM
^ True *charisma* !! I personally was brought up this way also, Even if I wanted to ask my aunts or Grandparents for something, I would go and ask my parents for their permission first. 'Mommy can I ask Aunty to get me that toy? ' and if my mom or dad said no, well, it was just NO and nothing to be said about it.
It teaches discipline to the child, which is what so many children these days lack anyway. Brother turn your attention onto your children and make it clear to them that they are NOT allowed to ask their Grandparents for candy. You said in your post that its the parents in laws who give in to the grandchildrens pleas so now you have to place the stress on your children. And Children should already know how to listen to their parents from ages 4-5 up. It's only for their own Good. And just think about it, if you dont place the discipline on them on small things like this, when they get older they will run to their Grandparents about bigger matters.......and who will have the headache then? I think the children need discipline that's all. And the Grandparents too actually but whose gonna do that lol.
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Dhulqarnaeen
06-01-2006, 06:45 AM
:sl:
Nice advices, and most of it so manfaat alhamdulillah. I also think we just have to be distinct to our MIL cause we are the one who will be asked by Allah about our children, and if theyre sick then we are the one who will take care of them. And now my oldest daughter have lost her three tooths above :uhwhat and I just told her "thats because too much candies so you must stop".;D She looked cute toothless like that . But I hope she learnt her lesson insha Allah
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