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madeenahsh
07-24-2006, 12:01 PM
The appropriate age for marriage

Question: What is the appropriate age for men and women to marry? Some of the young ladies of today do not accept to be married to men older than them and also some of the men do not get married from anyone older than them either. We hope for a response, may Allaah reward you.

Response: I advise the young ladies not to refuse a man because of his older age. Even if he be ten, twenty or thirty years older, this is not a valid excuse.

The Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) married ‘Aa.ishah when he was fifty-three years old and she was nine years old. Older age is not harmful. There is no problem if the woman is older than the man and there is no problem if the man is older than the woman.

The Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) married Khadijah when she was forty years old and he was twenty-five years old, before he received his first revelation. That is, she was fifteen years older than him (may Allaah be pleased with her). And ‘Aa.ishah was married when she was a young lady of six or seven years and the Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) consummated the marriage when she was nine years old and he was fifty-three years old.

Many of those who talk on the radio or television and speak against having disparaging ages between husband and wife are wrong. It is not permissible for them to say such things. Instead, what must be done, is the woman must look at the prospective husband and, if he be pious and appropriate, she must agree to him even if he is older than her. Similarly, the man must try to marry a woman who is pious and virtuous, even if she is older than him, especially if she is still less than mid life. In any case, age should not be taken as an excuse. It should also not be considered a shortcoming, as long as the man is pious or the woman is pious.

May Allaah make the affairs good for everyone.

Shaykh Ibn Baaz
Fataawa al-Mar.ah
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sweetbanana86
07-24-2006, 09:12 PM
Marsh'allah sister thank you for posting this, my only true oppostion to marrying an older man is that i won't be able to connect with him on certain levels, because of his wisdom and experience
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ALL 4 IsLaM
07-25-2006, 07:49 AM
But doesnt there have to be a certain amount of connection so that they may strengthen their relationship?
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searchingsoul
07-30-2006, 07:00 AM
Originally Posted by madeenahsh
The appropriate age for marriage

Question: What is the appropriate age for men and women to marry? Some of the young ladies of today do not accept to be married to men older than them and also some of the men do not get married from anyone older than them either. We hope for a response, may Allaah reward you.

Response: I advise the young ladies not to refuse a man because of his older age. Even if he be ten, twenty or thirty years older, this is not a valid excuse.

The Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) married ‘Aa.ishah when he was fifty-three years old and she was nine years old. Older age is not harmful. There is no problem if the woman is older than the man and there is no problem if the man is older than the woman.

The Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) married Khadijah when she was forty years old and he was twenty-five years old, before he received his first revelation. That is, she was fifteen years older than him (may Allaah be pleased with her). And ‘Aa.ishah was married when she was a young lady of six or seven years and the Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) consummated the marriage when she was nine years old and he was fifty-three years old.

Many of those who talk on the radio or television and speak against having disparaging ages between husband and wife are wrong. It is not permissible for them to say such things. Instead, what must be done, is the woman must look at the prospective husband and, if he be pious and appropriate, she must agree to him even if he is older than her. Similarly, the man must try to marry a woman who is pious and virtuous, even if she is older than him, especially if she is still less than mid life. In any case, age should not be taken as an excuse. It should also not be considered a shortcoming, as long as the man is pious or the woman is pious.

May Allaah make the affairs good for everyone.

Shaykh Ibn Baaz
Fataawa al-Mar.ah
I can relate to this fatwa. My husband is much older than me but our marriage has been blessed. Being pious and virtuous are great qualities for a spouse. More attention should be given to these traits and less to age, money, and status.

It is good to be realistic and acknowledge that there will be factors which may strain the relationship. My stepdaughters are in my age group. One of them tried to strain our marriage but luckily she didn't succeed. Still I realize that this is a normal reaction from a daughter. You also need to take into account that the older spouse will most likely suffer health problems before you. There's also the issue of commonality. Can you carry on a conversation and relate to one another?

The age gap marriage has benefits but it also may have draw backs as well. As long as your prepared and don't enter into the marriage naively, you'll be okay. :)
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- Qatada -
07-30-2006, 06:30 PM
Originally Posted by searchingsoul
Can you carry on a conversation and relate to one another?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Note that it is permissible for a man to speak to a non-mahram woman, subject to important guidelines and conditions, the purpose of which is to prevent fitnah and sin. These conditions include :


1- That it is not possible to speak to her through one of her mahrams or through a woman who is his mahram.


2- That should be done without being alone with her (khulwah).


3- That should not go beyond permissible topics.


4- There should be no fitnah (temptation). If his desire is stirred by talking to her or if he starts to enjoy it, then it is haraam.


5- The woman should not speak in a soft manner,


6- The woman should be wearing full hijaab and be modest, or he should speak to her from behind a door. It is better if they speak on the phone, and even better if they communicate via letters or e-mail, for example.


7- That should not go beyond what is necessary.


If these conditions are met and there is no fear of fitnah, then it is o.k. And Allaah knows best.


Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan said, in his answer on the ruling about young men speaking to young women on the telephone: “It is not permissible for young men to speak to young women because of the fitnah involved, unless the girl is engaged to the man who is talking to her, and they talk only about matters pertaining to their engagement; but it is preferable and safer for him to speak to her guardian about that.” (al-Muntaqa min Fataawa al-Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan, 3/163, 164).

You have not proposed to this girl yet, so you have to be very careful and avoid exposing yourself to the causes of fitnah by taking all possible precautions to achieve your goal without approaching this girl.



The basis for this is two aayahs from the Book of Allaah:

1 – “O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”

[al-Ahzaab 33:32 – interpretation of the meaning]


2 – “And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts” [al-Ahzaab 33:53 – interpretation of the meaning]


Finally I would like to remind you that the Muslim’s standards when choosing a wife should be the standards encouraged by the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said: “Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper].” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466).


And I warn you against everything that may lead you into doing haraam things or bring you close to that, such as being alone with her, going out with her, etc. I ask Allaah to make it easy for you to find a woman who will help you to obey Him.


Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid


source: http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ln...QR=13791&dgn=4


Allaah Almighty knows best.


Peace.
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searchingsoul
07-30-2006, 06:35 PM
Thanks Fi_Sabilillah. This is interesting information that I never considered. But my question was designed to stress the point that future spouses need to make sure that they have enough in common to communicate and hold discussions once married. When you have many years in difference this can be more difficult.

I see how it was unclear. Thanks again.
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asiya45
08-02-2006, 04:21 AM
I have a couple of questions brothers and sisters...
Is it possible for a man to marry a 9 year old girl when she is not yet a woman? I am just wondering...isnt the girl too young?
I can understand our Prophet Mohamed (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) married Aisha (RA) when she was 9...but is it still possible in the 21st century?
What is the proper age to get married for a woman?
Is a muslim woman allowed to marry a younger man than her?
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Looking4Peace
08-02-2006, 04:36 AM
most countries have laws against marrying that young anyway i think here in the states its usually 17 or 18 depending on the state but 16 in one im not so sure, personally i think in this day and age people stay mentally young for longer then maybe back in the prophets time, most 9 yr olds nowadays are still babies in their minds, times has changed, in fact most 15 and 16 yr old girls and boys i know are way too immature for marriage.
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Dawud_uk
08-02-2006, 06:21 AM
Originally Posted by Crystal4Peace
most countries have laws against marrying that young anyway i think here in the states its usually 17 or 18 depending on the state but 16 in one im not so sure, personally i think in this day and age people stay mentally young for longer then maybe back in the prophets time, most 9 yr olds nowadays are still babies in their minds, times has changed, in fact most 15 and 16 yr old girls and boys i know are way too immature for marriage.
assalaamu alaykum,

that is because we have allowed our lives and our culture to be influenced by the western mindset to such an extent that we forget that islam is a whole deen that comes to change all those attitudes and replace them.

yes the vast, vast majority of 9 year olds will be too immature in both body and mind to marry, but some will have hit puberty and this is when we judge it permissable to marry not by some rule of mental maturity.

still i myself hit puberty at 10, though i wasnt a muslim at the time i still look back and see how mature i was and i think at 12 or 13 i could have dealt with marriage, admittedly with difficulties and help from parents.

now if my daughter became a woman by starting puberty and expressed a wish to marry or a pious person came and asked for marriage with them then yes i would agree to that and help in that. same if i had a son.

Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) was still playing with dolls in her early years in the prophet's (saws) household, yet we seem to expect some level of maturity that is clearly not shown in her character at this age in brothers and sisters who wish to marry young.

to answer the other question,
yes a brother can marry a sister older than him, the prophet Muhammad (saws) married his first wife khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) when she was 40 and he (saws) was 25, quite a big age gap by todays standards.

but if there is a clash between todays standards and the rules of islam then todays standards can go out of the window.

assalaamu alaykum,
Daw'ud
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asiya45
08-02-2006, 12:17 PM
Assalamualikum,
Jazakallah brothers...my understanding abt marriage is abit clear now...
Yes, these days alot of the kids are very immature...for example my brother he is 12...he is very immature for his age. I guess because he is the youngest in the family.
Inshallah Allah will help him and all the kids around the world become a better muslim.

May allah guide us with the understanding of Islam and to be a better person.
Ameen

:sl:
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thc
08-07-2006, 02:50 PM
Asalamu alaikum warahmtullhi wabaraktuhu,

An argument put forward is that if somene is not
very mature gettin married will make them mature?
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Dawud_uk
08-07-2006, 04:32 PM
Originally Posted by thc
Asalamu alaikum warahmtullhi wabaraktuhu,

An argument put forward is that if somene is not
very mature gettin married will make them mature?
wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wabaraktuhu,

kind of,
obviously someone who is imature is going to mature somewhat if they marry.

but it is not necessary to be 'mature' in the western sense to marry islamically if you see what we mean.

wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wabaraktuhu,
Daw'ud
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