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IloveMadinah
07-31-2006, 05:25 PM
Question: Is love that ends in marriage haraam?

Answer: Praise be to Allah.

First: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call "love" is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits.

No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.

This relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is happening nowadays.

Secondly: Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call "traditional marriages", succeed.

In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.

In another study of 1,500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel â€کAbd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior love – was less than 5%.

We can mention the most important causes of this outcome:

1- Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: "Love is blind". One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.

2- The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.

3- The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

4- The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called "love" phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.

5- The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on.

But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, "A small nest is sufficient for us" and "A small morsel is sufficient for us" and "I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive"! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.

For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world!

Thirdly: The reasons mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based on disobedience to Allah. Islam can never approve of these sinful relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the just divine punishment, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’an nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship" [Ta-Ha 20:124]

A hard and difficult life is the result of disobeying Allah and turning away from His Revelation.

And Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): "And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth" [al-A’raaf 7:96]

Blessings from Allah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even non-existent.

And Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Whoever works righteousness - whether male or female - while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)" [al-Nahl 16:97]

A good life is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

Allah indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

"Is it then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allah and His Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allah guides not the people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)" [al-Tawbah 9:109]

The one whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and righteous deeds.

May Allah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

And Allah knows best.

Source: www.islam-qa.com

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manaal
07-31-2006, 06:50 PM
Of course if you fall "blindly" in love without understanding the true meaning of the realtionship it will all go wrong. But are we as Muslims, really this blind?
How long your marriage lasts depends on who you are, your level of eemaan and whether or not you see your marriage as a sacred relationship.
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Tania
07-31-2006, 07:59 PM
Analyzing things i jumped to the conclusion there is not love, there are only interests and i think the best way to begin an article would have been to define the love, this over used word.
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manaal
08-01-2006, 09:44 AM
When love turns into a commitment it will last forever. My husband and I also fell in "love" before marriage and we are now committed to eachother.

We should not think of love as the love we see in movies or fairy tales. There's simply no such thing as love at first sight. How could you love someone you don't know at all in just a second. Absurd!

Teenagers fall in and out of "love" all the time. But love aint no feeling, its a decision to be there and to care for the person you want as your life partner. And this decision has to be taken after a lot of careful thought and one should always think of the consequences.

It is also very very important that one gets the blessing of their parents when starting a relationship with someone.

If it happems this way, it most unlikely to end up in divorce. Its the whirl-wind, "come away with me" marriages that don't last.

Peace.
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lolwatever
08-01-2006, 09:49 AM
i didnt erad the article, but there's a hadith taht says "there's nothing better for two ppl who love each other than marriage" it's a sahih hadith... ill get xact reference if u want salams
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manaal
08-01-2006, 09:53 AM
I've heard that one too. Please find source.
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lolwatever
08-01-2006, 09:59 AM
“There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami`, 5200)

also narrated by ibn majah i think.. but sahih al-jami'3 is sahih so good enough lol.

salams
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Malaikah
08-01-2006, 10:05 AM
:sl:

^weird.. that needs contextualising though doesnt it?
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lolwatever
08-01-2006, 10:11 AM
in what sense? ofcourse u contextualize it in light of the other hadith.. setting priorities etc..

umm.. it's a bit like the prophet encouraging the Muslims to rival the jews in the market... if u plug it in context makes sense

allahu alam salams
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Isra
08-07-2006, 02:31 AM
I lived with my husband for more thatn a year before we married and in that time we loved eachother, but we never did anything haram. The only reason we live together was because my grandmother kicked me out and I was living in my car. My husband was my boss and he let me stay with him and his relatives (we weren't living just by ourselves). he taught me about islam and Now we've been married for 8 months.
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lolwatever
08-07-2006, 03:45 AM
salams
that's sad to hear sis, well alhamdulilah you're married now:statisfie
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M H Kahn
08-10-2006, 02:54 PM
Originally Posted by Tania
Analyzing things i jumped to the conclusion there is not love, there are only interests and i think the best way to begin an article would have been to define the love, this over used word.
Yes ! Love needs to be defined. In common parlance love includes romantic longing with erotic urge, meeting alone, touching, kising and fornicating etc. which all fall within the ambiance of adultery.

If there is no adultery, that is, there is only mutual interest in each other for a marital relationship, then there may not be anything much objectionable in such love. However, Allah knows the best.

:thumbs_up
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IceQueen~
09-03-2006, 06:42 PM
useful info masha allah
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QuranStudy
09-03-2006, 06:45 PM
I dont believe in love before marriage. "Love" today is defined as a one night stand. Disgusting.
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IceQueen~
09-03-2006, 06:48 PM
^ good keep it that way (I don't believe in that so-called 'love' either)
cos as its written, that kinda love isn't true and couples who have arranged marriages are prepared from the start to work on them not just expect everything to fly smoothly as 'love' :rollseyes
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the_muslimah
09-03-2006, 07:20 PM
hmm i suppose all thats true but what about the hadith of the prophet sallalahu alyhi wasallam, "You have never seen anything better than marriage for those who love" (Mishkaat ul Masabih)
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syedanoor
09-03-2006, 09:44 PM
love is supposed to happen after marriage and that is that. no "if's", "and's" or "but's" about it

i don't care about love being blind. we fight off and resist numerous temptations from the shaitaan everyday so why not resist this as yet another temptation as well?

nice and useful info
JazakAllah khair
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the_muslimah
09-04-2006, 11:11 AM
Originally Posted by syedanoor
love is supposed to happen after marriage and that is that. no "if's", "and's" or "but's" about it
so you just want to completely disregard the hadith then?
everything the prophet says serves a purpose,and even if it doesn't make much sense to us,it is still our duty to accept it
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~Stranger~
09-04-2006, 11:40 AM
great post bro, masha'allah.........

unfortumately we see more of this type of love due to free mixing in the internet and chats and MSNs and so forth

and like they see: love the one you marry, not marry the one you love!!!
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BlissfullyJaded
09-04-2006, 08:27 PM
:sl:

Hmm...I think traditional marriages do break up just as often as love marriages. If it doesn't break up in divorce, then it does have a shakey standing, because the couple will constantly be fighting, from what I've seen. Its not about the type of marriage, but the lack of strength in imaan of the couple to keep away evils that lead to a divorce. Obviously a love marriage would have problems, because they're daydreaming, and not looking at things realistically. Then 3 years down the line, they realize their spouse isn't perfect. So I'm not in anyway saying I condone love marriages where forms of zina take place, but I'm saying that instability of traditional marriages are almost equal. I'm in full support of traditional arranged marriages, provided parents aren't overly "cultured" and forceful in their "suggestions."

Anyway, jazakallah khair for the post bro Fi. :thumbs_up
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
09-04-2006, 08:33 PM
If u like someone, but had no relation..is that still haraam? Or that might be somethin different..
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- Qatada -
09-04-2006, 08:38 PM
Originally Posted by Tayyaba
If u like someone, but had no relation..is that still haraam? Or that might be somethin different..

:salamext:


Check this insha'Allaah:


It is not possible for a man or a woman to find out about the real character of one another through correspondence and conversing before marriage, because neither of them will show anything but their best side.
http://www.islamicboard.com/422315-post6.html



:wasalamex
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
09-04-2006, 08:40 PM
ill check it..thnx.
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syedanoor
09-05-2006, 12:05 AM
Originally Posted by the_muslimah
so you just want to completely disregard the hadith then?
everything the prophet says serves a purpose,and even if it doesn't make much sense to us,it is still our duty to accept it

salaam

no i do not disregard the hadith. but will you agree that it is best that love happen after marriage? others before myself have said the same thing in different words, "love the person you marry not the person you love" wouldn't that be stating the same thing?

love in this day and age usually happens out of mingling and mixing which has been labeled as haraam in islam

if two like each other and get married and all works out then that is simply great!

all i'm trying to say is that when one loves out of wedlock there is always a bit of risk that they won't end up with each other. but falling in love with the one u marry AFTER u marry them is just much more safe frm one's heart from breaking and going out against any laws set.

but after all, when one thing has been made halal by Allah and said to be halal by the Rasul (SAW), then who are we to label it prohibited upon ourselves?

as long as everything is done in halal terms it's all good :D

walaikum assalaam
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Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн
09-05-2006, 12:09 AM
Not its not really the same...
You might not luv the person u marry, but steadily u will build feelings.
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ymijunooni
09-07-2006, 04:35 AM
jazakallah khair
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