forgive and be healthy.....

[learningislam]

:salamext:


Forgiveness According to the Morals of Islam and its Benefits on Health

One of the moral traits recommended in the Qur’an is forgiveness:

Hold to forgiveness, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Qur’an, 7: 199)
In another verse Allah commands: “… They should rather pardon and overlook. Would you not love Allah to forgive you? Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Qur’an, 24:22)Those who do not abide by the moral values of the Qur’an find it very difficult to forgive others. Because, they are easily angered by any error committed. However, Allah has advised the faithful that forgiveness is more proper:

The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah… (Qur’an, 42:40)

…. But if you pardon and exonerate and forgive, Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Qur’an, 64: 14)

It has also been revealed in the Qur’an that forgiveness is a superior moral trait: “But if someone is steadfast and forgives, that is the most resolute course to follow.” (Qur’an, 42:43) For that reason, believers are forgiving, compassionate and tolerant people who, as revealed in the Qur’an, "control their rage and pardon other people.” (Qur’an, 3:134)

Believers’ notion of forgiveness is very different to that of those who do not live by the morals of the Qur’an. Even though many people may say they have forgiven someone who has offended them, it nevertheless takes a long time to free themselves of the hatred and anger in their hearts. Their behaviour tends to betray that anger. On the other hand, the forgiveness of believers is sincere. Because believers know that human beings are tried in this world, and learn by their mistakes, they are tolerant and compassionate. Moreover, believers are also capable of forgiveness even when they are in the right, and the other in the wrong. When forgiving, they make no distinction between large errors and small ones. Someone may cause severe losses to them by mistake. However, believers know that everything takes place under the command of Allah, and according to a specific destiny, and therefore, they surrender themselves to these developments, never acquiescing to anger.

According to recent research, American scientists established that those capable of forgiveness are healthier in both mind and body. Dr. Frederic Luskin, who holds a Ph.D. in Counselling and Health Psychology from Stanford University, and his team, studied 259 people living in the city of San Francisco. The scientists invited the subjects to attend six one-and-a-half-hour sessions, and aimed to instruct the subjects in forgiveness during their conversations.

The subjects of the experiments stated that they suffered less after forgiving people who had wronged them. The research showed that people who learned to forgive feel much better, not only emotionally but also physically. For example, it was established that after the experiment psychological and physical symptoms such as stress-related backache, insomnia and stomachaches were significantly reduced in these individuals.

In his book, Forgive for Good, Dr. Frederic Luskin describes forgiveness as a proven recipe for health and happiness. The book describes how forgiveness promotes such positive states of mind as hope, patience and self-confidence by reducing anger, suffering, depression and stress. According to Dr. Luskin, harboured anger causes observable physical effects in the individual. He goes on to say that:

The thing about long-term or unresolved anger, is we've seen it resets the internal thermostat. When you get used to a low level of anger all the time, you don't recognize what's normal. It creates a kind of adrenaline rush that people get used to. It burns out the body and makes it difficult to think clearly—making the situation worse. 1

In addition, Dr. Luskin says, when the body releases certain enzymes during anger and stress, cholesterol and blood pressure levels go up—not a good long-term disposition to maintain the body in. 2

An article called “Forgiveness,” published in the September-October 1996 edition of Healing Currents Magazine, stated that anger towards an individual or an event led to negative emotions in people, and harmed their emotional balance and even their physical health.3 The article also states that people realise after a while that the anger is a nuisance to them, and wish to repair the damage to the relationship. So, they take steps to forgive. It is also stated that, despite all they endure, people do not want to waste the precious moments of their life in anger and anxiety, and prefer to forgive themselves and others. 4

In another study involving 1,500 people depression, stress and mental illness were observed to be less frequent in religious people. Dr. Herbert Benson, who conducted the research, linked this to the way religions encourage “forgiveness”, and went on to say:

There’s a physiology of forgiveness… When you do not forgive, it will chew you up. 5

According to an article titled, “Anger is Hostile To Your Heart,” published in the Harvard Gazette, anger is extremely harmful to the heart. Ichiro Kawachi, an assistant professor of medicine, and his team scientifically demonstrated this with various tests and measurements. As a result of their research, they established that grumpy old men had three times the risk of heart disease than their more tempered peers. "The tripling of risk," Kawachi says, "involves high levels of anger, explosive anger that includes smashing things and wanting to hurt someone in a fight." 6

Researchers believe that release of stress hormones, increased oxygen demand by the heart’s muscle cells, and added stickiness of blood platelets, which leads to clots explain how anger increases the chance of a heart attack. 7 Furthermore, at times of anger, the pulse rises above its normal level, and leads to increased blood pressure in the arteries, and thus to a greater risk of heart attack.

According to researchers, anger and hostility can also trigger the production of proteins linked to inflammation in the blood. The journal Psychosomatic Medicine suggested that the emotion triggers the production of inflammatory proteins, which may in turn be causing the hardening of the arteries, causing heart disease and stroke. 8 According to Associate Professor Edward Suarez of the Duke University Medical Centre in North Carolina, the protein interleukin 6 (or IL-6) is much higher in men who are angry and depressed. High blood levels of IL-6 lead to atherosclerosis, the build-up of fatty deposits in the lining of the walls of arteries. 9 According to Suarez, as well as factors such as smoking, high blood pressure, obesity and high cholesterol, heart disease is also linked to psychological states such as depression, anger and hostility. 10

Another article, titled “Anger Raises Risk of Heart Attack,” published in The Times, stated that a short temper might be a short cut to a heart attack, and that young men who reacted to stress by becoming angry were three times more likely to develop premature heart disease, and were five times more likely to have an early heart attack. 11 Scientists at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, found that quick-tempered men are at risk of heart attack even if there is no family history of heart disease. 12

All the available research shows that anger is a state of mind that seriously damages human health. Forgiveness, on the other hand, even if it comes hard to people, is pleasing, an aspect of superior morals, that eliminates all the harmful effects of anger, and helps the individual to enjoy a healthy life, both psychologically and physically. Forgiveness, of course, is one of a form of behaviour by which a person can stay healthy, and a positive virtue everyone should live by. However, the true aim of forgiveness—as in all else—must be to please Allah. The fact that the features of this sort of morality, and that the benefits of which have been scientifically identified, have been revealed in many verses of the Qur’an, is just one of the many sources of wisdom it contains.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1- Jennifer Desai, “Stanford Forgiveness Project's Dr. Frederic Luskin studies why learning to forgive might be good for the body as well as the soul,” Almanac, 9 June 1999, http://www.almanacnews.com/morgue/19...9.forgive.html.
2- Ibid.
3- Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., "Forgiveness," Healing Currents Magazine, September-October 1996, http://www.stanford.edu/~alexsox/4_s...orgiveness.htm.
4- Ibid.
5- Claudia Kalb, “Faith & Healing,” Newsweek, 10 November 2003, http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3339654/site/newsweek.
6- William J. Cromie, "Anger is Hostile to Your Heart," Harvard Gazette, http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...sHostileT.html.
7- Ibid.
8- Peter Lavelle, “Anger trigger to heart disease found?," ABC Science Online, 5 August 2003, www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s915243.htm.
9- Ibid.
10- Ibid.
11- Mark Henderson, "Anger Raises Risk of Heart Attack," The Times, London, 24 April 2002, www.rense.com/general24/anger.htm.


source:
http://www.harunyahya.com/articles/70forgiveness.php

:wasalamex

[glo]

Thank you for this post.
The physiological and psychological responses to forgiving another human being are interesting! I certainly agree that inability to forgive can lead to bitterness and inner resentment, which in turn can lead to more serious health problems.

This sentence puzzles me:

"Moreover, believers are also capable of forgiveness even when they are in the right, and the other in the wrong."

I thought that was kind of the point of forgiving - to forgive somebody who has done wrong!
If the other person was in the right all along, and I was wrong, surely I have neither the need nor the right to forgive them? :?


I don't agree with some of the sweeping statements about only Muslims being able to truly forgive - but for the sake of this post I won't dwell on that. :rollseyes :X

Forgiveness is also something of great importance in Christianity (If I tried I might find some articles claiming that only Christians are able to truly forgive! :giggling: )
Jesus had much to say about forgiving those you have wronged you, over and over again.

My question is, how do we know if we have truly forgiven somebody?
Forgiveness is something we do in our hearts, not just with our mouths.
I can say a hundred times 'I have forgiven you' - and still secretly (perhaps even unknown to myself) bear a grudge.
So, how do we know if and when we have truly forgiven somebody?

[learningislam]

I don't agree with some of the sweeping statements about only Muslims being able to truly forgive - but for the sake of this post I won't dwell on that. :rollseyes :X

glo....well....let me put it this way.....muslims are commanded by Allah Almighty to forgive. Now , this does not mean that , apart from muslims no one can forgive. There are many muslim who do not forgive.
So , what this article said that was.....those who believe "Believers".....in the "Quran".......and follow it , follow the "Forgiveness" command too.
i hope that makes it clear.

Forgiveness is also something of great importance in Christianity (If I tried I might find some articles claiming that only Christians are able to truly forgive! :giggling: )
Jesus had much to say about forgiving those you have wronged you, over and over again.

....this article didnot claim that only muslims can forgive. and Yes , you are right, i have also read sayings of prophet Jesus (Peace be upon him) related to forgiveness.
Allah Almighty says in the quran that among the Jews and the Christians there are also people who are true believers i.e. they believe in only one God and do not associate partners with Allah.

“Among them (Jews and the Christians) are believers but most of them are defiantly disobedient.” [Surah Ali Imran 3:110]

My question is, how do we know if we have truly forgiven somebody?
Forgiveness is something we do in our hearts, not just with our mouths.
I can say a hundred times 'I have forgiven you' - and still secretly (perhaps even unknown to myself) bear a grudge.
So, how do we know if and when we have truly forgiven somebody?

........quite a technical question........:)
well....what i think is that.....if i forgive somebody, i will have no bad feelings of that person in my heart. Whenever i will meet that person, there will no such "reminder" in my heart or head that this person did something bad to you. so if that happens then it means i have forgiven that person from my heart. And i will have same good feelings for that person just like any other human being.
.........That's not an expert view......it's my own thinking.

Peace

[glo]

........quite a technical question........:)
well....what i think is that.....if i forgive somebody, i will have no bad feelings of that person in my heart. Whenever i will meet that person, there will no such "reminder" in my heart or head that this person did something bad to you. so if that happens then it means i have forgiven that person from my heart. And i will have same good feelings for that person just like any other human being.
.........That's not an expert view......it's my own thinking.

Peace

Hi LearningIslam

Yes, that makes sense.
But what if you have 'forgiven' a person as instructed, but when you meet that person you realise that the anger and resentment is still there. And you remember that wrong he did.
You realise that you have said 'I forgive you' - but that sentence hasn't made it into your heart. In other words, you say it, but you don't feel it.

Do we really think forgiving is so easy?
If a mother's son gets murdered, or a man's wife killed by a drunken driver, or a child is repeatedly abused - do we really believe that saying 'I forgive you' (because our faith instructs us to) is all it takes???
Is forgiveness not a process that may take a long time, perhaps years?
A process we need to trust God to take us through, step by step?

Peace

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[Snowflake]

There's a few people in this world and out of it who I will never forgive, no matter what the cost. :-\

I mean be honest, can you really forgive everyone who's wronged you?

[glo]

There's a few people in this world and out of it who I will never forgive, no matter what the cost. :-\

I mean be honest, can you really forgive everyone who's wronged you?

I know what you mean.

You may know of Anthony Walker, a young black guy who was killed brutally in a racial attack not so long ago.
His mother forgave the killers publicly.
http://www.ekklesia.co.uk/content/ne...21walker.shtml

Within minutes Mrs Walker, a mother of six, emerged from the court arm in arm with two of her four daughters to offer words of compassion to Taylor and Barton: “Do I forgive them? At the point of death Jesus said, ‘I forgive them because they do not know what they do’. I have got to forgive them. I still forgive them.

Could I do that? I can't imagine so, but I don't know. I pray I will never find out! :cry:

I agree with you, some things must be beyond forgiveness.

peace.

[Snowflake]

God bless you Glo. It felt good that you understood where I was coming from.

Could I do that? I can't imagine so, but I don't know. I pray I will never find out!

Ameen.

I agree with you, some things must be beyond forgiveness

Indeed they are. In fact if someone was to tell me that they'd forgive anyone anything, I'd say they were lying through their teeth. If they weren't lying, then I'd be very wary of them. It's just not normal to be that forgiving.

[Safa]

Is forgiveness not process that may take a long time?
A process we trust God to take us through step by step?

"The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah....(Qu'ran 42:40)

To answer the above questions, yes, pretty much. If someone is incapable of fighting back, like in above the example of the mother who's son got killed, then forgiving is an option. It's a long process but if done in the hopes of achieving a reward by Allah makes it easier.

Peace.

[glo]

"The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah....(Qu'ran 42:40)

To answer the above questions, yes, pretty much. If someone is incapable of fighting back, like in above the example of the mother who's son got killed, then forgiving is an option. It's a long process but if done in the hopes of achieving a reward by Allah makes it easier.

Peace.

I'm not sure I understand this. Does that mean that according to the Qu'ran, repaying one wrong with another is an option preferable to forgiving? :?

peace.

[Safa]

I'm not sure I understand this. Does that mean that according to the Qu'ran, repaying one wrong with another is an option preferable to forgiving? :?

peace.

No, forgiveness is preferable. Repaying the bad action would cause one to commit another bad act. It doesn't encourage you to sink as low as the oppressor.

Peace

[glo]

No, forgiveness is preferable. Repaying the bad action would cause one to commit another bad act. It doesn't encourage you to sink as low as the oppressor.

Peace

Thanks, Safa. :)
I must have misread your post.

Peace.

[Woodrow]

There's a few people in this world and out of it who I will never forgive, no matter what the cost. :-\

I mean be honest, can you really forgive everyone who's wronged you?

None of us is capable of forgiving even the smallest harm another has done to us. True forgiveness would be the ability to remove all traces of the harm and render the world as if it was never done. If we have the slightest memory of knowing we have forgiven someone, we have not truly forgiven them.

Only Allah(swt) can place within our hearts the ability to accept the harm someone has caused us and to still be able to love and overlook the deed. That is the closest we come to forgiveness. The only reason we find some things easier to forgive is simply because they happen to us more often and we have gained experience. What we view as an unforgivable wrong only differs in the sense that it is something we have never anticipated another human could do to us. Yet, in reality it is not different from the smallest transgression's we readily forgive.

[glo]

True forgiveness would be the ability to remove all traces of the harm and render the world as if it was never done. If we have the slightest memory of knowing we have forgiven someone, we have not truly forgiven them.

Hi Woodrow

I have never looked upon forgiveness as the ability to completely forget a wrong.

I looked up the term 'forgive', and this is the definition I would agree with most closely:
'to cease to feel resentment against'

I suppose the point you are making is that we cannot cease to feel resentment, unless we forget the bad deed?

It reminds me, that if we cannot forget each others sins, God can!

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Hebrews 8:12

Peace.

[learningislam]

:salamext:

In fact if someone was to tell me that they'd forgive anyone anything, I'd say they were lying through their teeth. If they weren't lying, then I'd be very wary of them. It's just not normal to be that forgiving.

sis muslimah..........i have practically seen such people.............those who forgive anyone anything . You can say these people are less in number, but yes , they do exist. And believe they are normal too. :)

:wasalamex

[Snowflake]

Woodrow;464693]None of us is capable of forgiving even the smallest harm another has done to us. True forgiveness would be the ability to remove all traces of the harm and render the world as if it was never done. If we have the slightest memory of knowing we have forgiven someone, we have not truly forgiven them.

Actually I disagree about none of us being capable to completely forgive someone despite not forgetting what they did. Let me give an example here. I started taking a neighbours childen to school upon her request. One day, when I knocked on their door there was no reply, so I proceeded taking my son to school. Upon my return, the car I was using (which was not mine) broke down and lucky for me my house was at the bottom of a steep road so I let it roll freely and reached home. About half an hour later while I was having my breakfast, my neighbour called round to ask if I could drop her children as they'd overslept. I apologised and told her that I couldn't take the car as it broke down on the way. She actually turned round and replied "It serves you right!" Lol, I was gobsmacked. That afternoon she collected her kids herself. The next morning she sent the kids with another neighbour. That afternoon I went to collect her kids as normal and her son refused to come with me saying they'll be coming with someone else. I thought ok fine. But it wasn't nice.

Then the same girls mother asked me to give her a lift which I refused as I couldn't leave the house as I was expecting guests. She started cursing me saying I'm not a good neighbour and she prays my husband would leave me. Lol unbelievable! :offended:

I forgave them both, although the mother stopped replying to my salam. I know I forgave them as since then I intervened when mom and daughter fight like cat & dog and the mother sits on the pavement and beats her chest. I went and brought her in cuz she was making a spectacle of herself. One day as I was leaving the house the girl complained that the neighbour she send her kids with doesn't collect them on time. She started sending her kids with me again. I didn't mind. I couldn't have done that if I hadn't truly forgiven them.

Whatever we experience, leaves an imprint on ones mind. Forgiveness is when despite remembering we don't remain bitter in our heart and act & feel like nothing had ever happened. Lol, sorry for my long examples.

Only Allah(swt) can place within our hearts the ability to accept the harm someone has caused us and to still be able to love and overlook the deed. That is the closest we come to forgiveness. The only reason we find some things easier to forgive is simply because they happen to us more often and we have gained experience. What we view as an unforgivable wrong only differs in the sense that it is something we have never anticipated another human could do to us. Yet, in reality it is not different from the smallest transgression's we readily forgive.

I must say I disagree again. It's not a case of being able to forgive things easily because they have happend to us more often. I don't believe we develope a kind of immunity to people wronging us. In fact when something keeps happening when we don't deserve it, the chances are that we will eventually get peeved off and stop bothering.

An unforgivable wrong needn't be something we never anticipated but something that was very evil in it's nature which we didn't deserve. There is a whole lot of difference in forgiving small sins and forgiving something that has ruined our innocence, life, peace of mind and reputation. You can't say there isn't a difference.

:salamext:


sis muslimah..........i have practically seen such people.............those who forgive anyone anything . You can say these people are less in number, but yes , they do exist. And believe they are normal too. :)

:wasalamex

It depends sis. There are wrongs people do that can hurt our pride, self-esteem and feelings. Yet those wrongs do not change the course of lives, ruins our plans and break our dreams. Those are easily forgivable. But I refuse to believe that anyone can easily, if that, forgive someone for some of the more evil wrongs committed against them. Examples being, child abuse, rape, murder and planned deception for their own gain. To me these things are totally unforgivable.

:w:

[learningislam]

:salamext:

I have never looked upon forgiveness as the ability to completely forget a wrong.

I looked up the term 'forgive', and this is the definition I would agree with most closely:
'to cease to feel resentment against'

i agree with that.......definition.
what i found is :

Forgive :
1)to say or feel that one is no longer angry about and/or no longer wishing to give punishment to (someone) for (something)
2)to say that (someone) need not to repay something
3)pardon (an offender or offence)

Forgiveness :
1)the act of forgiving or state of being forgiven
2)willingness to forgive

Forgiving :
1)willing or able to forgive
2)inclined readily to forgive

we are all humans.......its not possible to practically erase the memory of a bad deed........or a wrong done by somebody to you. Well, what i understand is that Forgiveness , doesnot mean to complete forget that you have forgiven somebody(for a wrong action), but its your sincere and utmost try to wash off the negative feelings of that person, you have in your heart.
This means, that it depends person to person, that to how much degree can they forgive.

None of us is capable of forgiving even the smallest harm another has done to us. True forgiveness would be the ability to remove all traces of the harm and render the world as if it was never done. If we have the slightest memory of knowing we have forgiven someone, we have not truly forgiven them.

^^^ i disagree with that. Or maybe i have misunderstood . I agree that to forgive is difficult, but i certainly dont agree that its impossible.
If we didnot had the potential and ability to forgive........then why would Allah Almighty would ask us to forgive?????
Allah Almighty says in the Quran
"Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves thosewho do good;" verse 134, Surah Al-e-Imran

Is forgiveness not a process that may take a long time, perhaps years?
A process we need to trust God to take us through, step by step?

i agree with that ...just like we learn so many other things, we have to learn to forgive too.And yes it may take a long time ......."perhaps years". But what is important is that.......we are trying.

A process we need to trust God to take us through, step by step?
.........certainly.

Regarding Forgiveness.........the art/act of forgiving..........one point to be kept in mind is........
"It is to forgive someone who has done wrong".
I know, you might say "that's obvious". But someof the posts above said "it is difficult to forgive ......or somethings are beyond forgiveness".
What i mean to say is that......a person who has not done wrong , does not need forgiveness.I hope you get my point.
And yes.........one thing more........
if we wanna teach somebody.........about forgiveness........our mere theories and long discussions.........wont be the teacher.............its our act that will be teaching.
like between friends.......
like between husband and wife......
like parents forgiving their children.......(now this doesnot mean that parents have to overlook every action of their children.......)
like between neighbours........
like between relatives.......etc , etc......

We have a beautiful example of Forgiveness in the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallalaho alaihay wa aalaiyhee wasallam)...........how he forgave all of his enemies......he even forgave the murderer of his beloved uncle hamza (raziAllahu anhu) and hinda, who chewed the heart of his uncle.Not a single drop of blood was shed , on the day when makkah was conquered.

:wasalamex

[glo]

God bless you Glo. It felt good that you understood where I was coming from.


Ameen.


Indeed they are. In fact if someone was to tell me that they'd forgive anyone anything, I'd say they were lying through their teeth. If they weren't lying, then I'd be very wary of them. It's just not normal to be that forgiving.

Hi Muslimah_Sis

I've had some more thoughts on this.

I agree with you. I think there will be sins and wrongs which most of us would be unable to forgive. Which sins and wrongs exactly, is individual.
But I also believe, that whilst we may be unable to forgive, God wants us to develop an attitude of being willing to try to forgive.

Do you know what I mean by that??

Sometimes, when I feel hurt and angry with somebody, and I know that's not how I am supposed to feel, I pray something like this:
"Lord, if you want be to be kind to person A, or to forgive person B, you better help me ... because I haven't got what it takes!"
When I overcome my own anger, and show my willingness to God, I often find that - miraculously - my anger disappears! Not just covered up or ignored ... but just gone.

Peace.

[glo]

On the sunject of forgiveness, I also came across this (It's from a Christian magazine, so bear that in mind!)

I have tried to shorten it.
The full article is here. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw...004/14.38.html

[...] In Luke 6:37, Jesus says, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven." He elaborates in Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." The apostle Paul repeats Jesus' command: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). Surely Paul's "whatever grievances" covers any kind of hurt, betrayal, or injury another person could inflict!

In talking with hundreds of women about forgiveness, I've discovered six myths that keep us from the healing and freedom God desires for you and me.

Myth 1: Forgiving means the offender didn't really hurt you. Jamie thought if she forgave her father, it lessened the severity of his abuse. Yet Jamie's forgiveness doesn't deny her father hurt her. In fact, it clearly recognizes the enormity of his evil—if Jamie's dad hadn't deliberately caused her pain, she'd have no reason to forgive him.

"Forgiveness is a redemptive response to having been wronged and wounded," wrote author Lewis B. Smedes. "Only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgiveness. If they injure us accidentally, we excuse them. We only forgive the ones we blame." Choosing to forgive her father acknowledges the pain Jamie endured at his hands. It also begins her healing.

Myth 2: Forgiving means you excuse the offender's hurtful act. When I chose to forgive my friend, I didn't condone her cruel behavior. Forgiveness, I've discovered, is a response that seeks to redeem the hurt, not brush it off. [...] But forgiveness unlocked my own "prison" of bitterness.

Myth 3: Before forgiving, you must first understand why the offender hurt you. [...]
Our human mind yearns to make all the confusing puzzle pieces fit together neatly before we forgive. However, the truth is we can forgive an offender even if we never discover the reasons for the inflicted pain. Author Philip Yancey writes in What's So Amazing About Grace, "Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong."

Myth 4: Before forgiving the offender, you must feel forgiving. Forgiveness has nothing to do with how you feel. You can feel hurt, betrayed, and angry, and still completely forgive the one who wounded you. Biblical forgiveness is an act of the will. It's a choice you make.

Can you still feel angry after you forgive? Yes! Anger means you're in touch with reality—it's part of being human. But be careful to aim that anger at what your offender did, not at the offender herself. Then let your anger push you toward justice.

Myth 5: Forgiving means the offender will face no consequences. When we choose to forgive someone, our forgiveness doesn't "let him off the hook." Forgiveness also doesn't mean justice shouldn't be served.

[...]

Myth 6: When your offender is punished, you'll find closure. On June 13, 1990, Linda Purnhagen saw her two daughters, Gracie, 16, and Tiffany, 9, for the last time. Dennis Dowthitt, a dangerously sick psychopath, strangled Tiffany to death, then raped Gracie and slit her throat. When authorities discovered the girls' bodies, they arrested and convicted Dowthitt, and scheduled his execution.

A decade later, as executioners strapped him to his death gurney, Dowthitt apologized for the savage killings. But not even his confession, apology, and execution brought closure for Linda. She was disappointed after the execution, not relieved.

We think we can more easily forgive others if they confess the crime and apologize for the pain they caused. But don't look to justice, imprisonment, or execution to bring needed closure and healing. Only forgiveness will do that.

The Choice to Forgive
The decision to forgive an offender is probably the hardest choice we can ever make. Some crimes seem too horrible to forgive. Our instincts tell us to avenge the person who caused us pain, not to release him from the debt he owes us. But as Christians, we can't afford to have unforgiving hearts, for we have been greatly forgiven by God in Christ (Ephesians 4:32).

Only forgiveness can release us from a life of hatred and bitterness. "Forgiving is a journey, sometimes a long one," wrote Lewis B. Smedes in Shame and Grace. "We may need some time before we get to the station of complete healing, but the nice thing is that we are being healed en route. When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner we set free was us."

Peace.

[salsabil]

how can you forgive someone very close to you when they do wrong just to spite you,

[umm-sulaim]

kill 'em with kindness, works you know... and whatever happens don't stoop to their level sals..

wassalaam

[salsabil]

I know where your coming from, sometimes its really difficult.what about you cant forgive or forget the past. and it haunts you,slight things remands you. Than what.

[umm-sulaim]

I'm not saying its easy sals, but change your mindset...what i mean is don't look at the negative side of it, think oh ok this persons hurt me by doing that, insha Allah i won't do the same...
and after every museebah you become wiser right...so its not 100% negative,
But its not nice when you're reminded, just say a3udhubillahi mina ashaytaani rajeem (i seek refuge in Allah from the cursed satan) his whisperings are always evil, if its not trying to make you do something bad its trying to make you feel depressed...
rememebr Allah ...

and rememeber this ayah "a laa tuhibbuna an yaghfira Allahu lakum" and would you not like Allah to forgive you?

TC sis

wassalaam

[salsabil]

Alhamdullilah , thank you sister.
I have forgive n but your right i have to bee stronge, and inshallah allah tala will guide me.
sorry havent replyed sooner ,been busy with family.
may allah tala guide you sister.
Ameen.
Wsalam

[nishom]

Salaam all,

Heres part of an assignmane I had to do in relation to ethics, justice and forgiveness.

This looks at forgiveness from a sciological POV.

The work of Deridda in relation to potmodern ethics and the question of
whether postmodernism can indeed have ethical implications is also extremely important to put into consideration.

In cosmopolitanism and forgiveness, written in 2001, Deridda talks about the possible implications of forgiveness. One issue which he particularly highlights is that of the dilemma of reconciliation, a term which he feels is necessary to substitute for the term ‘forgiveness.’

The main dilemma which Deridda highlights is that of the impossibility of true forgiveness which he terms as forgiving the unforgivable. (Deridda, 2001, Preface.)

Here the issue arises of whether if this was indeed the case that the idea of forgiveness would disappear. From this point of view, postmodernism can be said to have no ethical implications since it does not agree with the idea that forgiveness can indeed be unlimited with no boundaries and limits.

However, the work of Deridda, places a limit on forgiveness so that only certain acts can be forgiven. However, as long as forgiveness exists it is important not to rule out the fact that forgiveness can indeed be all encompassing and not necessarily limited.

This in itself is dependent on the act from which forgiveness needs to be sought, the circumstances in which the act occurred as well as the parties involves, he who is seeking to forgive or not, and he who may or may not be on the receiving end of that potential forgiveness.

A prime example of an ‘unforgivable crime’ is that of the holocaust which resulted in the murder of millions of Jews, women and children also. In the eyes of Deridda, such crimes against humanity are cases where ‘forgiveness announces itself as impossibility.’ (Deridda, 2001, p32.)

This is indeed in line with the views of Hegel who argues that, ‘all is forgivable except the crimes against the spirit.’ (Deridda, 2001, p32.) Thus we see that from these kinds of arguments that forgiveness has its limits and that it is not unlimited.

It is questionable therefore that coming from a potmodern writer such as Deridda, that postmodernism has ethical implications. From this point of view, forgiveness has no meaning if the crimes that warranted it were out of proportion to human measure. (Deridda, 2001, p37.)

Another feature defining forgiveness in the eyes of Deridda is that of it only being considered if it is asked for. However this is a view that must indeed be contested.

For even if forgiveness is granted without it being requested, on an unconditional basis, this is indeed the strongest form of forgiveness as it is not based on the condition that the criminal be changed in any way. In this respect, the crime is not being forgiven but the human spirit is.

In opposition to is the kind of forgiveness whereby one seeks to forgive on the condition that the other is changed and feels regret at his action. In the case of those who have committed crimes against humanity, this may indeed prove extremely difficult.

A good example is that of dictators such as Saddam Hussein who justify their crimes and the killing of millions of innocent civilians in some way or another. Such people are unlikely to seek forgiveness because in their eyes they have done no wrong and have acted in a just manner.

It is for this reason that if forgiveness is granted to such a person it becomes seriously undermined if the criminal has no sense of remorse or regret in his heart. Therefore, not only must one seek forgiveness, but for it to be validated, the criminal must feel some regret with regards to his action.

In such cases where forgiveness becomes impossible, reconciliation can act as a viable alternative. In this case, even if forgiveness is not an option, if a mutual understanding can be reached with the other this can in some way lead to some sort of reconciliation, where, although the crime is not forgiven, an understanding can be reached with the other with respect to why he committed the crime and whether he feels remorse.

Reconciliation can thus indeed be a means towards forgiveness for if one can understand the other and look him face to face and establish the truth of the situation, an increased understanding can be reached from which forgiveness may indeed be possible. From this point of view, forgiveness is deprived of meaning if an understanding is not reached with the other.

Despite the fact that complete forgiveness is not recognised as possible by Deridda, postmodernism here can be seen to have ethical implications through reconciliation acting as an alternative to forgiveness.

Another issue that arises with regards to forgiveness is that forgiveness is only possible if the crime can be punished. (Deridda, 2001, p37.) From this point of view the way that justice can be achieved is if the criminal is put to justice through some sort of a deterrent. Thus postmodernism can be argued to distinguish what is right from wrong and so punish those who go beyond the boundaries of what is accepted in society. Here, postmodernism can be seen to have ethical implications.

[umm-sulaim]

Alhamdullilah , thank you sister.
I have forgive n but your right i have to bee stronge, and inshallah allah tala will guide me.
sorry havent replyed sooner ,been busy with family.
may allah tala guide you sister.
Ameen.
Wsalam

its all right sals, ameen to your lovely du'aa :)

nishom: thanks for the info bro, may Allah reward your efforts...

wassalaam

[nishom]

Salaam all, again!!!

Having given a sociological view of forgiveness, primarily referring to the work of the great Jacques Deridda-I would now like to focus on Human Forgiveness in Islam, with reference primarily to the Quran and Hadith.


Just as it is important to believe in the mercy and forgiveness of Allah, it is also necessary to base all human relations on forgiveness. How should we expect Allah’s forgiveness while we do not forgive those who do wrong to us?! Forgiving each other, even forgiving one’s enemies is one of the most important Islamic teaching. In the Qur’an Allah has described the Believers as:

“Those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.” Qur'an ( 42:37)

Later in the same Surah Allah says:

“The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.”Qur'an ( 42:40)

In another Surahs in the Qur’an, Allah The Almighty says:

“If you punish, then punish with the like of that wherewith you were afflicted. But if you endure patiently, indeed it is better for the patient. Endure you patiently. Your patience is not except through the help of Allah."Qur'an (16:126-127)

In one Hadith Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said that Allah has commanded him with nine things. One of them he mentioned was “that I forgive those who do wrong to me.”

The Prophet (PBUH) was the most forgiving person. He was ever ready to forgive his enemies. When he went to Ta’if to preach the message of Allah, its people mistreated him, abused him and hit him with stones. He left the city humiliated and wounded. When he took shelter under a tree, the angel of Allah visited him and told him that Allah sent him to destroy the people of Ta’if because of their sin of maltreating their Prophet. Mohammad (PBUH) prayed to Allah to save the people of Taif, because what they did was out of their ignorance.

He (PBUH) said:

“O Allah, guide these people, as they did not know what they were doing.”

When he entered the city of Mekkah after the victory, the Prophet -peace be upon him- had in front of him some of his staunchest enemies. Those who fought him for many years, persecuted his followers and killed many of them. Now he had full power to pay back and punish them for their crimes and for what they did to him and to the Muslims. Instead the Prophet (PBUH) asked them:

“What do you think I shall do to you now?” They pleaded for mercy. The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Today I shall say to you what Joseph (referring to Prophet Youssuf (PBUH) as mentioned in the Qur’an, (Youssuf 12:92) Prophet Youssuf (PBUH) said to his brothers, ‘No blame on you today. Go, you are all free.” Soon they all came and embraced Islam at his hands. He forgave even Hind who had caused the murder of his uncle Hamza -may Allah be pleased with him. After killing him she had his body mutilated and chewed his liver. When she embraced Islam, the Prophet even forgave her.

A very striking example of forgiveness we find in the Qur’an in reference to the most unfortunate event of “Slander of Sayeda Aicha” (one Prophet Mohammed's wives). Some hypocrites of Madinah tried unrightfully to put dirt on her noble character. One of the slanderers turned out to be Mistah, the cousin of ‘Aicha's father Abu Bakr’s. Abu Bakr -may Allah be pleased with him- used to give financial help to this young man. After he slandered his daughter, Abu Bakr vowed not to help him any more. But Allah reminded Abu Bakr and through him all the Believers saying:

“Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen, those in want and those who migrated in the path of Allah. Let them forgive and overlook. Do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? Indeed Allah is oft-Forgiving, most Merciful.”Qur'an (24:22)

Abu Bakr (May Allah be pleased with him) came out of his home and said, “Yes, indeed, I want Allah’s forgiveness. He not only continued to help and support Mistah but he gave him more. Islam emphasises justice and punishment of the wrong doers, but it equally strongly emphasizes mercy, kindness and love. Justice, law and order are necessary for the maintenance of a social order, but there is also a need for forgiveness to heal the wounds and to restore good relations between the people.

Thus must not forget that as much as we need Allah’s forgiveness for our sins and mistakes, we must forgive those who do wrong to us.

[Snowflake]

Hi Muslimah_Sis

I've had some more thoughts on this.

I agree with you. I think there will be sins and wrongs which most of us would be unable to forgive. Which sins and wrongs exactly, is individual.
But I also believe, that whilst we may be unable to forgive, God wants us to develop an attitude of being willing to try to forgive.

Do you know what I mean by that??

Sometimes, when I feel hurt and angry with somebody, and I know that's not how I am supposed to feel, I pray something like this:
"Lord, if you want be to be kind to person A, or to forgive person B, you better help me ... because I haven't got what it takes!"
When I overcome my own anger, and show my willingness to God, I often find that - miraculously - my anger disappears! Not just covered up or ignored ... but just gone.

Peace.

Hi Glo,

Sorry I didn't see your post until today. I hope you can forgive me for that lolz jk :p
I agree that in general God would like us to forgive. But I'm sure that He doesn't hold it against us not to, if we have been wronged beyond unacceptable extremes. I'm talking about really inhumane or perverse acts and not the daily annoyances we suffer from.

Personally I forgive and forget 'normal' things easily. I also wonder whether my poor memory contributes to the forgetting part lol. :giggling:

God bless.

[umm-sulaim]

Salaam all, again!!!

Having given a sociological view of forgiveness, primarily referring to the work of the great Jacques Deridda-I would now like to focus on Human Forgiveness in Islam, with reference primarily to the Quran and Hadith.


Just as it is important to believe in the mercy and forgiveness of Allah, it is also necessary to base all human relations on forgiveness. How should we expect Allah’s forgiveness while we do not forgive those who do wrong to us?! Forgiving each other, even forgiving one’s enemies is one of the most important Islamic teaching. In the Qur’an Allah has described the Believers as:

“Those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.” Qur'an ( 42:37)

Later in the same Surah Allah says:

“The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.”Qur'an ( 42:40)

In another Surahs in the Qur’an, Allah The Almighty says:

“If you punish, then punish with the like of that wherewith you were afflicted. But if you endure patiently, indeed it is better for the patient. Endure you patiently. Your patience is not except through the help of Allah."Qur'an (16:126-127)

In one Hadith Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said that Allah has commanded him with nine things. One of them he mentioned was “that I forgive those who do wrong to me.”

The Prophet (PBUH) was the most forgiving person. He was ever ready to forgive his enemies. When he went to Ta’if to preach the message of Allah, its people mistreated him, abused him and hit him with stones. He left the city humiliated and wounded. When he took shelter under a tree, the angel of Allah visited him and told him that Allah sent him to destroy the people of Ta’if because of their sin of maltreating their Prophet. Mohammad (PBUH) prayed to Allah to save the people of Taif, because what they did was out of their ignorance.

He (PBUH) said:

“O Allah, guide these people, as they did not know what they were doing.”

When he entered the city of Mekkah after the victory, the Prophet -peace be upon him- had in front of him some of his staunchest enemies. Those who fought him for many years, persecuted his followers and killed many of them. Now he had full power to pay back and punish them for their crimes and for what they did to him and to the Muslims. Instead the Prophet (PBUH) asked them:

“What do you think I shall do to you now?” They pleaded for mercy. The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Today I shall say to you what Joseph (referring to Prophet Youssuf (PBUH) as mentioned in the Qur’an, (Youssuf 12:92) Prophet Youssuf (PBUH) said to his brothers, ‘No blame on you today. Go, you are all free.” Soon they all came and embraced Islam at his hands. He forgave even Hind who had caused the murder of his uncle Hamza -may Allah be pleased with him. After killing him she had his body mutilated and chewed his liver. When she embraced Islam, the Prophet even forgave her.

A very striking example of forgiveness we find in the Qur’an in reference to the most unfortunate event of “Slander of Sayeda Aicha” (one Prophet Mohammed's wives). Some hypocrites of Madinah tried unrightfully to put dirt on her noble character. One of the slanderers turned out to be Mistah, the cousin of ‘Aicha's father Abu Bakr’s. Abu Bakr -may Allah be pleased with him- used to give financial help to this young man. After he slandered his daughter, Abu Bakr vowed not to help him any more. But Allah reminded Abu Bakr and through him all the Believers saying:

“Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen, those in want and those who migrated in the path of Allah. Let them forgive and overlook. Do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? Indeed Allah is oft-Forgiving, most Merciful.”Qur'an (24:22)

Abu Bakr (May Allah be pleased with him) came out of his home and said, “Yes, indeed, I want Allah’s forgiveness. He not only continued to help and support Mistah but he gave him more. Islam emphasises justice and punishment of the wrong doers, but it equally strongly emphasizes mercy, kindness and love. Justice, law and order are necessary for the maintenance of a social order, but there is also a need for forgiveness to heal the wounds and to restore good relations between the people.

Thus must not forget that as much as we need Allah’s forgiveness for our sins and mistakes, we must forgive those who do wrong to us.

wa alaykuma salaam

Thanks bro, may Allah reward your efforts, very nice!

wassalaam

[nishom]

Salaam eveyone,

Lets take some words of wisdom from the storiesw of others, and how they came to forgive loved ones, as well as some words of wisdom from Allah Almighty's second testament, The Bible.

Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, not where we wish we were, or the other person was.

It is to hold out a hand; to want to renew a friendship; to want a new relationship with husband, father, daughter, friend, or indeed enemy.

It may not take away the hurt. It does not deny the past injury. It does not ignore the possibility and need for repentance and a change in the relationship.

It means being willing to take the initiative in dealing with any barriers that I may be raising towards a restored relationship. It means that I am willing to have a relationship with the other party that is based on love and not on what has happened in the past, if the response of the other person makes that possible.



"Forgiveness may lead to reconciliation or it may not, but they are not the same"

Paul Thigpen, a contributing editor for Discipleship Journal, in speaking of the difficult steps he went through in forgiving his father, found it helpful to repeat his willingness to forgive aloud, as if speaking with his father, until he felt a sense of relief. He describes the meaning of forgiveness in these terms:

Two New Testament words we translate "to forgive" mean literally "to let go" and "to cancel a debt". I found that at times the phrase "I forgive you" seemed empty, so I said, "I release you. I let you go. I let go of this offence. I cancel your debt. You owe me nothing now. I renounce my desire to get even with you." That way, the imagery of this biblical language filled the word "forgiveness" with a more specific and concrete meaning. Of course, it is always on the cards that reconciliation may be impossible because of the unwillingness of the other party to be reconciled or to admit any fault in the matter. However, I am not responsible for their actions, only my own.

Quin Sherrer, a freelance writer, tells in Decision magazine of the devastation it caused in her life when her father left her mother to marry his secretary. Quin was 12 years old. Years later she came to a deeper commitment to Jesus when she asked him to be Lord of all of her life. Not only did she tell Jesus that she forgave her dad, she also asked him to forgive her for all the bitterness, hate and resentment that she had built up over the years. She began to write him letters. Sometimes he wrote back hateful letters, but each time she chose to forgive him.

Twenty-five years later, just before he died, he told her plainly, "Im glad you forgave me." Forgiveness may lead to reconciliation or it may not, but they are not the same. Paul recognises this when, in writing about our attitude to those who wrong us, he says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18).

[nishom]

wa alaykuma salaam

Thanks bro, may Allah reward your efforts, very nice!

wassalaam

SALAAM,

Earlier on I wrote how, from the works of Deridda, that forgiveness may in some cases indeed pronounce itself as impossibility.

Examples were given such as Hitler and Saddam Hueeein, and whether it would be within forgiveness to forgive them, and risk forgiveness indeed being severely undermined.

Whats yor opinion on the matter?

Would it be also unreasonable to reconcile with them?

Personally, I think guys like these and Mousolini, Stalin etc are pathetic, and dont deserve human forgiveness.

[umm-sulaim]

Wa alaykuma salaam

I think everyone deserves a chance and deserves to be forgiven... i say this beacuse look at our prophet alayhi salaatu wassalaam he was so forgiving, after Qureish had hurt the muslims and done so much harm to them, he didn't stop calling them and didn't curse them, and when they made him bleed he said "o Alllah forgive my people for verily they do not know"
and when the angel appeared in the valleys of mekka he said shall i bring the mountains down upon them he said no...
theres hope for anyone and like the prophet said "la tu'een ashaytaan alaa akheek" don't aid the shaytaan against your brother,

Maybe if after warning and da'wa they still remain the same and continue to do bad we're allowed to make hijra from them (not speak to them, if he/she's muslim for 3 days) perhaps then they could reflect on what they've done and insha Allah will chnage...
but when it's people in high power, it would be good to make du'aa for them cos lets face it by the will of Allah the leader has command over us if his bad the people face the consequences right, so if people make du'aa for him by the will of Allah he could change...

like the guy who killed 99 people and went to the priest to ask if he was able to repent the priest said he couldn't so he killed him, the priest became the 100th... my point was after all that he was still looking for the right path...
lets not give up on them insha Allah...

I think as muslims we should remember to forgive eachother, the ayaat and hahadeeth you mentioned previously are very befitting...

wassalaam