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AnonymousPoster
08-25-2006, 09:02 AM
:sl:
My mum has been emotionally abusing and sometimes physically hitting me now for a number of years. This has always placed a barrier between me fully appreciating my mum. I pray to Allah to forgive her because I cant go on thinking about it - I just want to forgive and forget. Sometimes she is very nice to me and I like that and I tell her I appreciate it a lot. But she has problems and she borders on two extremes - pure nastiness and 'niceness'.

Today she told me I had 'no personality' (she's always comparing me and has often told me I am ugly and other horrid things - basically tells me there is no hope for me). I was so upset and I was washing up and cleaning the kitchen and I couldnt help but burst out crying. I couldnt stop because I was very sad. My dad was there and he just walked out, coz he was going to the mosque. My mum asked me why I was crying and I told her I couldnt live in this house anymore because I was at the end of my tether. She got annoyed and told me I was overreacting. I had to really control myself because she basically never validates my feelings. Its like I'm some sort of robot or punchbag for her. She got hot and bothered and starting ranting on about how she would send me to live with my aunty 'is that what you want??!!' I said no, listen, I just want you to listen to me. She wouldnt - she told me to shut up and put her fingers in her ears.

I spoke very nicely and told her everything I felt even though I thought I couldnt go on with her constant sneering. I said "Please can you stop treating me like a punchbag, please can you be kind to me, please can you stop telling me i dont do enough round the house, please can you stop comparing me to my sister and cousins''. I asked her very nicely and told her that she made me feel very unworthy at times. I also told her to stop swearing at me for small things.

She suddenly became the 'victim' and started saying how ungrateful I am that she has raised me all these years...etc, that my dad doesnt have a permanent job yet and what was i thinking starting to cry in front of him...etc.

Now I am sure she wont talk to me for about 1 week. She thinks she tells me all these mean things 'as a joke' and that I am overreacting and am too serious.

I feel like such an outsider here and I find a lot of peace in asking Allah but I just wanted to know:

Is it ok that I told her how she makes me feel? Is it disrespectful? Will I get sin for telling her how she makes me feel?

She got so worked up she started saying she doesnt want me doing anything for her anymore and not talk to her and that she wont do anything for me.
I am so sad:cry: :cry: :cry:

Once I'd told her, I felt a load lighten. Uusally when I tell her stuff (i used to speak back roughly) I felt worse. Now, I told her nicely and kindly with lots of patience and it felt good. But I dont know if I did the right thing.:-\
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north_malaysian
08-25-2006, 09:08 AM
Did u ever try to make her happy, or making she's important to you... You have to win her heart.....

Remember - We ONLY have one mother....
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AnonymousPoster
08-25-2006, 09:13 AM
God knows I've tried so hard brother. I do everything she says and sometimes buy her gifts as a 'peace offering'. I show patience everyday - but every few weeks/months...I explode, coz I cant take it anymore. My brain feels like it will burst, my heart feels disgusted at how I put up with all this nonsense - I feel like no one deserves to be treated like this. Even an animal would be treated better.
She always says that she would never buy a cat as a pet or any animal as a pet because if she does she is scared she might do something wrong to it and it would curse her in its heart and Allah would be angry with her for hurting it. But what about me? Her daughter? A human being? Am I less than an animal?

Jazakallah for your help brother.
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north_malaysian
08-25-2006, 09:19 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
God knows I've tried so hard brother. I do everything she says and sometimes buy her gifts as a 'peace offering'. I show patience everyday - but every few weeks/months...I explode, coz I cant take it anymore. My brain feels like it will burst, my heart feels disgusted at how I put up with all this nonsense - I feel like no one deserves to be treated like this. Even an animal would be treated better.
She always says that she would never buy a cat as a pet or any animal as a pet because if she does she is scared she might do something wrong to it and it would curse her in its heart and Allah would be angry with her for hurting it. But what about me? Her daughter? A human being? Am I less than an animal?

Jazakallah for your help brother.
Your mum is a practicing Muslim? If she is.... now... you go to her.... slowly hug her..... kiss her hands ask for forgiveness..... and say you willingly want to repent ... and ask her to guide you...
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AnonymousPoster
08-25-2006, 09:24 AM
If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.
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bint_muhammed
08-25-2006, 09:26 AM
it looks like there is something deeper thats bothering your mother and is taking it out on you. i suggest what ever yshe says to you be patient about it and when she's feeling down sit next to her and talk to her it'll make you and her feel better! i hhonestly dont know what else to say good luck!
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north_malaysian
08-25-2006, 09:52 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.
How about you try by a 3rd person ...such as ... your mum's best friend, your teachers, your aunts ... meet them and tell them YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH ... and willingly to do anything to pleased hr for the sake of God.
Then ask them to convey all these messages to your mum....
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AnonymousPoster
08-25-2006, 09:57 AM
Jazakallah for all your help bro. May Allah reward you a lot.
I dont thing she will respond to a third person either - I dont want to tell anyone else that I've told her all these things and that she is being mean to me - I cant tell anyone. She will hate me for telling someone else our family situation.
Jazakallah again, I will pray for your success.
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Snowflake
08-25-2006, 10:07 AM
My heart goes out to you sis. I don't know why your mom has treated you so badly. I never would've believed any mother could do this to her own flesh and blood if I hadn't known someone in real life who did the very same to her daughter. She hated her from day one and eventually gave her up for adoption. The little girl went to a christian family and was raised as a christian. It's beyond belief.

Please believe that Allah is Just. If He has put paradise at the feet of our mothers then He has also given them responsibility to raise us with love and tenderness. Although a mothers failure to carry out her responsibility doesnt give her offspring the right to insult her, Allah can and does understand the position a child is put in under those circumstances. You told your mother how you felt so that things would change. How is that bad sis? Please don't feel bad or guilty.

I know it hurts sis, but I don't think your mom realises how much her words hurt you. I was wondering if you could write down everything about how you feel and give it to her to read. She may be shocked and rethink her behaviour.

Your post was painful to read and reminded me of my own childhood experiences. I remember when I was 5 years old my mother took me out with a friend of hers I hadn't met before. Before we left she drummed into me not to call her 'mother' but sister. She introduced me to this woman as her sister. But as we were walking I tripped up and falling to the ground I accidently called out 'Mother'. It was natural instinct. When my mom's friend mentioned me calling out 'mother' to my mom, my mom turned round and said that it must've slipped from my mouth cuz I'd fallen down. There were other such incidents as I grew up and I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. I prayed some loving family would come and adopt me.

But finally becoming a mother myself, I realised something. My mother didn't want to hurt me. She didn't even think it would hurt me. Married at 15 and probably still feeling a child herself, she was probably in denial. It was like physically she'd become a mother but mentally she was still a kid. Although the hurt I went through is still there, I've stopped blaming my mom for it. It was just my fate. I'm sure she loves me in her own way.

So maybe your maa is just insensitive to your feelings and is not out to hurt you. Is there a relative you can talk to? Like an aunt or uncle, who can talk to you mom? Sometimes something coming from someone else has more of an impact than coming directly from who it concerns. I'm so sorry I really don't know what else to say. All I can say is that I'm here for you if you need to talk.

I pray Allah softens your mothers heart for you and blesses your relationship with her with His Kindness and Mercy. Ameen.
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AnonymousPoster
08-25-2006, 10:17 AM
Thanks for your post sis. It has really made me cry. I just wish I could 'fix' everything. You have given me some insight and I will try to think positively.
Maybe my mother is also unhappy about something. I guess all I can do is accept it when she is mean - it wont last forever inshallah.

I cant really talk to a relative sis. We dont have any family here. And I dont have any 'real' muslim friends. There are not many muslims here.

Do you think I should say sorry to her? I know she will be giving me the cold shoulder now. If i say sorry - she will tell me to get lost again. How do I 'act normal' now that I have told her how I feel?

Jazakallah. Thanks so much for your kind words, they have touched me. May Allah grant your every wish and give your peace and success in both worlds and grant you Jannatul Firdos. Ameen.
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Snowflake
08-25-2006, 10:41 AM
AnonymousGender;464159]Thanks for your post sis. It has really made me cry. I just wish I could 'fix' everything. You have given me some insight and I will try to think positively.
Maybe my mother is also unhappy about something. I guess all I can do is accept it when she is mean - it wont last forever inshallah.
Same here sis. I cried three times reading your post. I'm glad that sharing my experience helped you in some small way.

Do you think I should say sorry to her? I know she will be giving me the cold shoulder now. If i say sorry - she will tell me to get lost again. How do I 'act normal' now that I have told her how I feel?
Buy a bunch of flowers and give them to her with a card saying how sorry you are and how much you love her. Sadly words sometimes don't have the desired effect but a lil action goes a long way. I recently after lots of heartache from my estranged husband, threw my arms around my mom's neck for the first time in my life and cried like a baby. And she responded with love and concern - something I'd always wanted to see from her. But I had to take the first step and show her how much I needed her. It was like finally a barrier had come down from between us. I also realised that her mother hadn't shown her much affection as a kid and maybe it was hard for her to be like that with us. I pray from the bottom of my heart that things work out for you too inshaAllah.

When you've made up with your mom, talk to her about her childhood and what it was like. It will give you an insight of her behaviour now. Take advantage of LI and show your mom Islamic articles, later move on to one's on raising children in Islam etc. InshaAllah she will benefit from them.



Jazakallah. Thanks so much for your kind words, they have touched me. May Allah grant your every wish and give your peace and success in both worlds and grant you Jannatul Firdos. Ameen.
Lol, you'll start me off again. Ameen, and thanks for your duaa. I'm here for you sis. :)

:w:
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AvarAllahNoor
08-25-2006, 10:48 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:
I just want you to listen to me. She wouldnt - she told me to shut up and put her fingers in her ears.

I\
What kind of idiotic mother wound do that!! - She's obviously lacking in self esteem herself, that's why she's content on picking on you. She sees you as a defenceless child, who being her child would tolerate it!
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Snowflake
08-25-2006, 10:56 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AvarAllahNoor
What kind of idiotic mother wound do that!! - She's obviously lacking in self esteem herself, that's why she's content on picking on you. She sees you as a defenceless child, who being her child would tolerate it!
I don't think anonymous sister posted her problem for anyone to insult her mother. Please don't. We can't judge anyone from one post. God knows what experiences led her to act in that way. We should only be advising the sister.
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Isaac
08-25-2006, 11:05 AM
Exactly dont people have basic adab or manners when talking to people. Someone is emotionaly distressed and such comments are not by all means going to be helpful. The one of many beautiful aspects which our Nabi Muahmmed PBUH use to have was his adab when talking to people. He would talk to them on THEIR understanding and THEIR level of emotion and circumstances.

I hope things work out for you and that you can have a healthire realtionship with your mother. I know i can improve my relationship 100 times over.
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AvarAllahNoor
08-25-2006, 11:08 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
I don't think anonymous sister posted her problem for anyone to insult her mother. Please don't. We can't judge anyone from one post. God knows what experiences led her to act in that way. We should only be advising the sister.
True, but lets just see how her mother reacts to what you've advised her to do! - If she's a genuinely caring mother she'll stop her behaviour and try to create a bond between her child!

Sorry if i caused offence Anonymous. That was not my intention
:)
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glo
08-25-2006, 11:11 AM
Is it ok that I told her how she makes me feel?
Of course it is! Especially, if you have been respectful and calm in your approach.
It is so important your mother to understand how her actions affect you. And you have every right to tell her!

Peace.
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Eric H
08-25-2006, 11:34 AM
Greetings in peace AnonymousGender;

The way you describe your mothers actions, she may well be suffering with severe PMT.

My wife suffers terribly with it and there seems to be no way I can reason or say anything to her during these times, she can say some horrific things about me, we have been married for twenty one years. In the early days I used to argue back and become angry myself, but over the years I have gradually found that I need to try and remain at peace with myself and with her no matter what is said.

But between the periods of extreme turmoil there are also periods of relative calm, and it is during these periods of calmness that I have found to be the best time to talk to her.

Relationships should last a lifetime and somehow they should grow in some way, It can take years before changes start to become apparent in small ways at first. Love forgiveness and most of all perseverance are the tools to get through these ordeals.

This is a beautiful, powerful and simple prayer that has helped me to overcome fear and depression a number of times in life, and it has helped me to grow stronger in relationships and faith.

Lord Give me the peace and serenity to live with the things I can not change.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And give me the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a great mystery, give me the courage to face each day always one day at a time knowing that you hold me in the palm of your hand.


To try and understand how the prayer works here is an explanation of how one woman used this prayer in London whilst it was being bombed most days during the second world war.
She had no control of were the bombs would land, or if any of her friends or family would be killed, she did not know if she would be killed, or her house bombed. She had to carry on with life, and feed herself and her family. So she prayed for the peace and serenity to live with all the chaos of other peoples actions around her that she could not change and that she had no control over.

The only thing she could change was herself and what is going on in her own mind. Somehow there is the need to come to terms with all the very real fears and troubles in life and be able to live with them and overcome them always one day at a time.

There is the need to live at peace with yourself and strive to live in peace with all your neighbours despite all the hate that may exist, despite what happened yesterday, and what might happen tomorrow, The more you come to understand were the problem lies the more you seem to gain a greater inner strength and wisdom.

Having faith in God is a real help, he answers our prayers often in ways that we do not understand. He answers our prayers in ways that benefit us more for the next world, rather than this world, we have to trust in God for this.

Life is a journey always one day at a time, faith in God is about enduring life’s problems always one day at a time knowing that he holds each one of us in the palm of his hand.

God bless and I will keep you in my prayers

Eric
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muslimah_here
08-25-2006, 01:43 PM
:sl:
Sister ur not alone many mothers have been up in an environemtn where their parents were the same or even worse, hence it becomes norma to treat their own children like that and they dont realise what their parents did by mentally degrading them all the time wasnt right. It takes time to cange someone's mentality especially that of elders as with age one beomces very rigid but INSHALLAh keep trying when she is good mood, sitting alone than try to explain it to her how u feel in a respectable manner anf if u see its turning into a conflict then leave the room and come back to it laer on, INSHALLAh keep trying and pray to ALLAH that ur mothers heart will be softened for you INSHALLAH, sometimes when parents have been though a hard life they end up taking out thier anger unintentioanlly on their children, even i expereinced some of it, we have to understand our parents have had a much harder life than us this has affected their personality ofcourse.

Personally i think ALLHUMDOLILAH my parents have started to realise that yelling and teasing all the time can mess up the confidence of the child, but it has taken time for me to get it thourgh them at times even I feel my parents say very hurtful things that really upset me but then I try to remembr how much theyv sacrficed to raise me up so in the same way they deservr some patience form us, its not enitrely their fault its a cultural problem the way I see it, but whoeve is facing diffciulty with thier parents make sure INSHALLAh when u beocme parents u dont take out the anger of ur life's insecurieties on ur child caz its not the child's fault that uv had a hard life that a test from ALLAH. It us who have to say thats enough we will make a positive change in our lives and dont INSHALLAH repeat the mistakes our parents have made and keep making dua to ALLAh to forgive any downfalls of our parents as being human being we all make mistakes and may ALLAH have mercy on our parents, ameen.

FI- AMANALLAH.
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syilla
08-25-2006, 05:00 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.
:sl:

eventhough she looks tough outside as if no feelings at all...,

your action did have an effect on her just that she doesn't show it. All mothers will never talk about their feelings...they usually keep it to themselves. Most mothers will never accept their own fault... They seems to be like that...but the truth is...their heart is melting.

Just remember that, if your mother is being hard and tough on you....is mean that she has been living as a strong woman in a difficult life.

A mother will never satisfy with their children sacrifices...and the truth is our sacrifices will never repay all of their sacrifices.

To love your mother...is to accept all her weaknesses...Love her as what she is and don't accept her to reward us back in any kind. Cause Allah subhanahuwataala is the only one can reward our kindness toward our mother.

Just remember one thing "when we sick our mother will make dua so we will be able to live a longer life, but when our mother is old will we make dua for her to live longer?"
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AnonymousPoster
08-26-2006, 12:54 AM
Thankyou to all the kind replies I have received. Each of you has said somethng that has made me think in a different way - in a positive way. In a way that could help me rebuild the relationship with my mum. I appreciate your efforts and time you took to write so much. May Allah bless you all.
I will continually refer to this thread.

I went up to her at night and I said sorry to her. I am not sorry for telling her calmly how I felt. But I am sorry if it hurt her feelings. But she turned it round on me, telling me that "I am not your punching bag for your emotions either, just because you are feeling emotinoal, dont take it out on me!" I asked her to forgive me, but she wouldnt.

She told my dad the story - and now he is not talking to me either. They both think I am an ungrateful little so and so. I think they wish they could just be through with me.

I cant buy her some flowers and give her a hug. With my mum its not going to work like that. Eric, I think she has severe PMT too. I am often quiet and go for weeks on end taking her constant criticism, but every so often, I blow. And thats where the trouble starts. I feel like I'll have to find soemthing to do, to stop me blowing up.

Again, thank you all so much for your advice. I will take it and try and do something constructive with it.
Salam to all.
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Snowflake
08-26-2006, 09:05 AM
Salam sis,

I think Eric raised a very important point regarding PMT. And you seem to think that your mother might be suffering from PMT too. Is there any way you can bring this to your mother's attention? I know it'll be difficult to approach your mother directly. Maybe you can pick up a few leaflets from your surgery and leave them lying around where she is bound to see them?
I'm sure if she knew she'd want to do something about it inshaAllah. May I ask if it's only you who has to bear the brunt of your mothers anger? Or is it other family members too?


wa'alaikum aslam
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IceQueen~
08-26-2006, 09:21 AM
I totally agree with sis ya_Giney-there is something much deeper affecting the way your mum treats you..
she might have been treated the same in her childhood by her mother or someone close and is unconsciously treating her own daughter the same way.
usually the person hates what happened to them but are unaware they are doing the same thing themsleves...
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MinAhlilHadeeth
08-26-2006, 09:41 AM
Sister... wallah, there are tears in my eyes. I'm saddened that anyone has to go through that. But sister, what north malaysian said is very true. You only have one mother, and that is the mother Allah has given you. I guarantee you will only truly appreciate your mother if you witness her death. And that's when all the guilt is going to flood into your heart. I advise that you have sabr, ask Allah for strength. Whatever your mother says to you, try your best to reply with loving words. Because trust me sister, you're going to regret it sooner or later if you don't. Take the example of Nabi Ibrahim (AS), who's father was so harsh, and Nabi Ibrahim (AS) was so merciful towards his father.

And Abraham prayed for his father's forgiveness only because of a promise he had made to him. But when it became clear to him that he was an enemy to Allah, he dissociated himself from him: for Abraham was most tender-hearted, forbearing. [009.114]

Please sister, just try and have patience. Your mother, no matter how she is, is till your mother. You completely have my sympathies, and I realise you are the victim here, but I pray that Allah may reward you for your sabr, ameen. Paradise is for the believers, and you will have to pass many tests in order to prove your belief.

:wasalamex
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AnonymousPoster
08-26-2006, 09:50 AM
Thanks sisters. Muslimah sis, she knows that she suffers from hormonal probelms and she takes B vitamins for this. She also knows shes got PMT.

I think I figured it out though - she is quite touchy about the fact that she married someone she wasnt happy marrying and that all her life (she was the youngest of 7 kids) she has been 'left out' of everything and that no one bothered about her. She does not work outside the house which I think is an admirable thing in this day and age, but since ALL women she has encountered have some sort of degree, are working or have 'achieved something' for themselves, she is very aware of this. I think she feels as if she is no good at anything and may have low self esteem herself.

Lately (since the last 5 years), she has become obsessed with cleaning. She's always cleaning. And i know most mums do, but this i sbeyond the joke. Everyone always comments on her cleaning. She makes us clean along with her and is constantly (i mean 24/7) going on and on and on and on and on about this or that crumb left on the floor, how someone forgot to wipe the smugde on the window, why the microwave has only been cleaned once today, whether we cleaned behind the dustbin, every nitty gritty gritty gritty gritty thing you can think of. And she always puts me down in front of others for not doing 'enough' - the truth is, I do stuff for her all day long, but she says I dont do anything. God be with the person who actually doesnt clean to her standard!

I just wonder whether she will realise what she is doing is madness. She ackowlegdes it is madness sometimes, but shes quite adamant in doing it.

My father is not talking to me either. She has a habit of exaggerting things - and I have a feeling she has said something really bad about me to him. He wont talk to me.
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AnonymousPoster
08-26-2006, 09:55 AM
I told her I'm sorry again today but she told me to go away and that 'your sister never gives me trouble like this, only you do'.
I even offered to make her some tea, but she roughly replied with eyes glaring 'NO!'
I thought a mothers heart is very soft and melts at the sight of her children. I guess I was wrong.
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F.Y.
08-26-2006, 10:05 AM
Sis, I will pray for you inshallah, may Allah reward you for your patience!
Peace
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Snowflake
08-26-2006, 12:49 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I told her I'm sorry again today but she told me to go away and that 'your sister never gives me trouble like this, only you do'.
I even offered to make her some tea, but she roughly replied with eyes glaring 'NO!'
I thought a mothers heart is very soft and melts at the sight of her children. I guess I was wrong.
Oh sis *hugzzzz*

:sl:

You've been so brave so far sis and I know you can continue doing so. Allah is The All-Seeing and All-Hearing. Your patience and efforts will not be in vain inshaAllah.

Your mother is suffering from very low self-esteem due to her own childhood experiences. How awful it must have been for to have to marry someone she didn't want. Then to bear children from him, couldn't have brought her as much joy as she would've felt if she'd married from her own will. Yet she stayed and tried her best to keep this family together. She tried to make the best of a situation that was forced upon her. It makes her present behaviour understandable. God knows how much pain and unhappiness she is harbouring deep within her soul. There could also be an element of jealousy/resentment in that there are reminders of how different her childhood was to her own childrens.

Mothers aren't saintly holy creatures. They are normal humanbeings with their own strengths and weaknesses and responsibilities to shoulder. It is not your fault what is happening. But whatever went wrong in your mother's life haunts her and for some reason she takes it out on you. She doesn't feel that she has an identity of her own. In her eyes she is just someone's wife, mother, daughter.. but not an individual in her own right. That can be very disabling to our own self-worth.

There may be another factor present which contributes to the way she treats you differently to your siblings. She may have had you when she was at a very low point in her life. She may have been suffered from post-natal depression, which went unrecognised. Not many mothers can admit to not bonding with their child. She is a victim too. A victim of her lack of self-esteem and a victim of a culture which against Islamic teachings forced her into a marriage she did not want.

My sweetest sis, you can help in healing her. It's so sweet how you made tea for her. yes, she rejected it. But although heart acknowledged your action, pride and anger got in the way of showing appreciation. Continue in your efforts, don't let one rejection put you off. Her barriers are too strong to come down with one strike. let her know that although she's never had a job, or achieved higher education, she has done a good job of raising a family. Try to give back some of the self-esteem she is lost.

Things will get better inshaAllah sis. But along with your efforts you must make duaa. While it is hard for us to change a situation, for Allah nothing is beyond His control. He can change even the hardest of hearts. He can cure even the deadliest diseases. Pray to Allah to cure your mother, mentally, emotionally and physically. Pray salah-ul-hajat and make duaa sincerely and constantly. Reach out to Allah in your sorrow and He will take care of you.

Recite Ya Raheemu 101x after fajr. Blow on hands and wipe over face. InshaAllah everyone will treat you with love, fairness and respect.

For reconciliation - read Ya hakeemu 101x. Blow on water and give it to your mom and dad to drink. If that is not possible, read same and blow on their pillows. If that too isn't possible then imagine them in your mind and blow on them. Remember nothing is beyond the power of Allah. SubhanAllah.

May Allah accept your prayers and bring happiness and tranquility in your household. Ameen.

:w:
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MinAhlilHadeeth
08-26-2006, 06:22 PM
Sis, please try to be patient. Some people who are reverts are cast out by their families, and after years and years of patience and by the grace of Allah, they manage to convert their parents. I know that if you have patience you will see the reward for that in this life and the next inshaAllah.

Stay strong, sis!:wub:

:wasalamex
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glo
08-26-2006, 06:41 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Umm_Shaheed
Sis, please try to be patient. Some people who are reverts are cast out by their families, and after years and years of patience and by the grace of Allah, they manage to convert their parents. I know that if you have patience you will see the reward for that in this life and the next inshaAllah.

Stay strong, sis!:wub:

:wasalamex
I don't think anonymous is a revert.
If you read her posts again, you will find that she makes references to her father going to mosque and her mother talking about Allah.
I think anonymous lives in a Muslim household.
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Eric H
08-26-2006, 10:40 PM
Greetings and peace be with you Anonymous Gender;

In many ways your mum sounds so similar to my wife, and she has known about her PMT for years, she knows that she explodes at times, she has tried all kinds of cures, and nothing seems to have any lasting effect. Today we got into another argument, and she threw some water at me, this is an improvement; years ago she would have thrown the glass as well. We are getting near to the point when we can kind of joke about it at times whilst it is happening.

I have kind of accepted that she has huge anger problems and in a way her anger has to come to some kind of peak before she can calm down. It is no good trying to reason with her while her anger inside seems to be escalating. Some how I try and act like a sponge trying to absorb her anger even though I feel on edge through out the whole experience. We have tried counselling individually and together, but in the end we have to sort out our own problems; no one else can do it for us.

I have tried saying sorry so many times as a way of striving for some kind of peaceful resolution; but that gets thrown back at me and she says so you admit you are wrong if you are sorry. I don’t think I have ever won an argument with her, she always manages to have the last word. Sometimes I am bright enough to recognise a few remarks from her, when she is looking for a fight, but I have never really been able to avoid the following conflict; whatever response I give or even if I try walking away; I always seem to fuel aggravation.

In all the twenty one years we have been married it feels like she has only ever said sorry two or three times, and there were very real tears with this admission each time.

She has two daughters from a previous marriage and she could not stand her youngest daughter, and I found over the years that I could help the youngest daughter more than I could help my wife overcome these problems.

She always seemed much better with the eldest daughter and our son. Both daughters have grown up and left home and now my wife is able to get on much better with them both.

I have probably had so many opportunities to walk away from our marriage but something keeps us together, and despite all our problems I do feel much closer to my wife and have never felt the need to find another woman.

I believe in some cases it only needs one person with a determination to keep a relationship going. Life really is a journey we travel every day; we need to find a purpose to get up and face life day after day after day after day. No matter what animosity and problems face us. Perseverance in love is the key but it really can take years.

It is searching for a way to get out of bed and joyfully face the day without any fear or hate in our hearts. It really does come down to striving for peace in our own hearts despite all the conflict around us. This has been a very slow process for me to try and understand and I am only fifty seven and a half and still feel like a child on a journey.

We get lots of education in maths, science, and history but we get very little training in life about relationships. The only way we seem to learn about how our actions affecting other people is to live with them and experience the tensions of life. Some people do seem to get an easier journey, but I feel that the tougher journey makes you stronger if it is centred on love.

I feel the greater solution is striving to keep loving and praying for your mother despite all the problems. She is probably not able to change herself.

Living with conflict has given me a purpose of doing things for Christian Unity and speaking out for interfaith friendship.

I have gone on a bit so I will end now.

In the spirit of praying for peace

Eric
Reply

AnonymousPoster
08-27-2006, 05:12 AM
May I ask if it's only you who has to bear the brunt of your mothers anger? Or is it other family members too?
Other family members do too, but to a much much lesser degree. The one who is more bullied after me is probably my Dad. Eric, your story about your wife throwing cups really hit me hard because - my mum does the same thing. One day she threw some cups from the cupboard onto the floor because they were not put neatly enough. In her rage, she basically swept them out of the cupboard in one sweep of her arm, where they cluttered and clanked and rolled around on the floor. Thank goodness they were plastic.

Mothers aren't saintly holy creatures
I know sis. I have now realised that I should stop thinking of this 'perfect' person and stop trying to create a utopia. I think I was imagining a utopia of a realtionship with my mum.

I feel the greater solution is striving to keep loving and praying for your mother despite all the problems. She is probably not able to change herself.
I agree completely.

I tried being nice to her again today and she started being rough again. Oh well. She told me she will not drive me to places I need to go anymore. That's fine. I just have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just need to get a move on.

I want to thank you all again for your wonderful support. Your objectivity really helped me.
No doubt I will return to this thread when I need consolation or when things start getting tough.

Lots of love and peace to all. May Allah fulfil all your needs and wishes. Ameen.
Reply

syilla
08-28-2006, 03:52 AM
May Allah fulfil all your needs and wishes too...ameen...
Reply

glo
08-28-2006, 06:29 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Other family members do too, but to a much much lesser degree. The one who is more bullied after me is probably my Dad. Eric, your story about your wife throwing cups really hit me hard because - my mum does the same thing. One day she threw some cups from the cupboard onto the floor because they were not put neatly enough. In her rage, she basically swept them out of the cupboard in one sweep of her arm, where they cluttered and clanked and rolled around on the floor. Thank goodness they were plastic.


I know sis. I have now realised that I should stop thinking of this 'perfect' person and stop trying to create a utopia. I think I was imagining a utopia of a realtionship with my mum.


I agree completely.

I tried being nice to her again today and she started being rough again. Oh well. She told me she will not drive me to places I need to go anymore. That's fine. I just have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just need to get a move on.

I want to thank you all again for your wonderful support. Your objectivity really helped me.
No doubt I will return to this thread when I need consolation or when things start getting tough.

Lots of love and peace to all. May Allah fulfil all your needs and wishes. Ameen.
Hi anonymous

What's puzzling me a little, is that your mum's emotional state seems almost permanent (correct me, if I am getting that wrong)

To my understanding PMT or any other hormonal imbalance is likely to be cyclical (depending on the menstrual cycle). So do your mother's symptoms ease off sometimes, and get worse other times? Can you see a cyclical pattern?
(I will try and find some time to read up on his)

Love,
Reply

Woodrow
08-28-2006, 06:54 AM
Children come into this world with no choice of their own. Each is a gift and a blessing and joy. They are a warm light that can only give.

Anonymous Gender you are that warmth to your mother. You are there, no matter how hard she is trying to extinguish your light. Your task is to be that light and warmth no matter what you receive in exchange. Do not condemn your mother's behavior, look at it as an opportunity to give more warmth, do not blame yourself for what she does, you can not control another person. Try to fill your role as best as you can and keep in mind that even a smile from her will mean more then false hugs because you know that will be true.

Do not try to change your mother, only she can do that. Just do all you can to not let your love for her fade. She can not take that away from you unless you let her. Do not be false to yourself or her. You have real love for her that love and strength from Allah(swt) are very powerfull tools if you allow yourself to use them.

Do not be afraid to freely give your love to your mother, give it unconditionaly and do not expect anything in return, give it freely not from duty.

Now rest with the knowledge that you are doing all you can. Do not try to change your Mother let Allah(swt) do that. He knows how better than we do,
Reply

i_m_tipu
08-28-2006, 07:01 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
Hi anonymous

What's puzzling me a little, is that your mum's emotional state seems almost permanent (correct me, if I am getting that wrong)

To my understanding PMT or any other hormonal imbalance is likely to be cyclical (depending on the menstrual cycle). So do your mother's symptoms ease off sometimes, and get worse other times? Can you see a cyclical pattern?
(I will try and find some time to read up on his)

Love,
after reading
i have a same feelling. sorry if that hurt.
Reply

i_m_tipu
08-28-2006, 07:03 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Woodrow
Children come into this world with no choice of their own. Each is a gift and a blessing and joy. They are a warm light that can only give.

Anonymous Gender you are that warmth to your mother. You are there, no matter how hard she is trying to extinguish your light. Your task is to be that light and warmth no matter what you receive in exchange. Do not condemn your mother's behavior, look at it as an opportunity to give more warmth, do not blame yourself for what she does, you can not control another person. Try to fill your role as best as you can and keep in mind that even a smile from her will mean more then false hugs because you know that will be true.

Do not try to change your mother, only she can do that. Just do all you can to not let your love for her fade. She can not take that away from you unless you let her. Do not be false to yourself or her. You have real love for her that love and strength from Allah(swt) are very powerfull tools if you allow yourself to use them.

Do not be afraid to freely give your love to your mother, give it unconditionaly and do not expect anything in return, give it freely not from duty.

Now rest with the knowledge that you are doing all you can. Do not try to change your Mother let Allah(swt) do that. He knows how better than we do,
may Allaah help him doing that
Reply

samsam
08-28-2006, 07:16 AM
You know i can relate to that very , very much
I know this your thread and not mine so i might not get my story out
You know i am suffering excactly that
You know you'rev not alone
Reply

glo
08-28-2006, 07:46 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by i_m_tipu
after reading
i have a same feelling. sorry if that hurt.
Sorry, i_m_tipu, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. :?

Peace.
Reply

AnonymousPoster
08-28-2006, 08:37 AM
You are there, no matter how hard she is trying to extinguish your light. Your task is to be that light and warmth no matter what you receive in exchange.
Dearest Brother Woodrow,
Your words above have really made me think twice about the way I give love to my mother. Maybe I do expect a lot in return - too much in fact. I will definitely remember what you have said for a long, long, long time to come. (In fact, I will go and give her a warm hug and hold her hand lovingly right after I finish typing this! :) )

To my understanding PMT or any other hormonal imbalance is likely to be cyclical (depending on the menstrual cycle). So do your mother's symptoms ease off sometimes, and get worse other times? Can you see a cyclical pattern?
Dearest glo,
Yes, I do see a pattern. She is worse under stress (as is anyone) - these stressful times include: Morning (cleaning time!Whoopee!!), cooking, when she comes back from shopping (not when she is shopping mind you, she loves shopping!), and just before the Maghrib prayer (the 4th prayer in the day), and when someone is coming to visit.
I dont see a proper cycle - only at specific times.

You know i can relate to that very , very much
I know this your thread and not mine so i might not get my story out
You know i am suffering excactly that
You know you'rev not alone
Dearest samsam,
I hope the wonderful advice by the people in this thread will help you too! Inshallah.

I will really pray for all of you and may Allah bless you all for helping to return my sanity!!
Reply

AnonymousPoster
08-29-2006, 09:30 PM
we are in hte same boat
Reply

Snowflake
08-30-2006, 09:21 AM
Salam sis,

Hope things are a lil better inshaAllah. I was just thinking if there was something you and your mom have in common? Something you both enjoy that you can build on? Sharing can help build stronger relationships. :)

wa'alaikum aslam.
Reply

AnonymousPoster
08-31-2006, 11:40 AM
Something we both have in common?....I dont really know sis. I really want to learn to cook and stuff but she has littloe patience and really does not want m hanging over her shoulder. She wont let me touch things in her kitchen if I suggest I'm trying to cook. Cleaning - now thats a different story. She wants me to clean the kitchen till kingdom come, and there is no problem in her mind with me cleaning it - just cooking is a big NO NO.

Everytime theres some time in our busy day and I try to talk to her or hug her, she just pushes me away - she says shes tired and to leave her alone. :(

I wish I could knit with her or something, but she is not up for it. Ive talked to her before, she just says she doesnt have time. Nevermind. Yesterday she was ranting on about how weak I am (because i was really tired when i came home) and was falling asleep on the floor. She said, "If you cant hack uni, dont do it! Youre like 'this', like 'that'. Are we forcing you? huh? huh?"She repeated herself aggressively like this for about 5 mins and then she wouldnt talk to me nicely because I didnt respond to her insults.

I annoy her. Because apparently "other girls" look after the home, cook, clean perfectly, look great all the time, are married, have kids, and go to work! Wow. Well, mashallah for them, but I cant pull all that off so well. She compares me to a lot of people and she just wants me to be like them, Miss Superwoman.
I feel so down at myself for this - I cant live up to her expectation. Its not humanly possible for me. Ya Rahmaaaaaaaaaan!
Reply

syilla
09-01-2006, 02:46 AM
:sl:

I'm sorry for you...

i know how you feel...living under other people expectation....

Just tell yourself that...i couldn't care less what other people say...only Allah can judge me and i know Allah loves me for what i am...

:w:
Reply

AnonymousPoster
09-01-2006, 09:17 AM
^Thanks ever so much sister, I will try to remember that.
Today I accidentally spilled something and she got very angry with me. I was cleaning it up but I think I just got her at the wrong time because she called me an f****** b****** and a heap of other swears in a different language.

I actually found it really funny at first - I think because I didnt know what to do with myself. But later on I felt really sad that she called me that. I dont know what to do when she loses it like that - she's a volcano - she can erupt at any time.

I just try to remember all the advice given by all you kind people - and it makes me feel better. Thankyou all so much for that. Your advice has helped me so much I cant explain.

*Side note: Maybe this anonymous avatar of mine should read "My LI friends tell me I'm special no matter what my mummy says!"*

Jazakallah
Reply

Eric H
09-01-2006, 12:02 PM
Greetings and may you find peace in your heart anonymousGender;
*Side note: Maybe this anonymous avatar of mine should read "My LI friends tell me I'm special no matter what my mummy says!"*
Gradually you may come to believe this more for yourself; but always one day at a time on life's journey.

May Allah continue to bless you with perserverance.

Eric
Reply

AnonymousPoster
09-01-2006, 04:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Something we both have in common?....I dont really know sis. I really want to learn to cook and stuff but she has littloe patience and really does not want m hanging over her shoulder. She wont let me touch things in her kitchen if I suggest I'm trying to cook. Cleaning - now thats a different story. She wants me to clean the kitchen till kingdom come, and there is no problem in her mind with me cleaning it - just cooking is a big NO NO.

Everytime theres some time in our busy day and I try to talk to her or hug her, she just pushes me away - she says shes tired and to leave her alone. :(

I wish I could knit with her or something, but she is not up for it. Ive talked to her before, she just says she doesnt have time. Nevermind. Yesterday she was ranting on about how weak I am (because i was really tired when i came home) and was falling asleep on the floor. She said, "If you cant hack uni, dont do it! Youre like 'this', like 'that'. Are we forcing you? huh? huh?"She repeated herself aggressively like this for about 5 mins and then she wouldnt talk to me nicely because I didnt respond to her insults.

I annoy her. Because apparently "other girls" look after the home, cook, clean perfectly, look great all the time, are married, have kids, and go to work! Wow. Well, mashallah for them, but I cant pull all that off so well. She compares me to a lot of people and she just wants me to be like them, Miss Superwoman.
I feel so down at myself for this - I cant live up to her expectation. Its not humanly possible for me. Ya Rahmaaaaaaaaaan!
iT IS AS IF IT'S ME WRITING!
I LOVE TO COOK TO.
MAY I SAY THANK YOU FOR ALL THE ADVICE IT'S BENNEIFETING MORE THAN ONE PERSON:)
Reply

mas
09-01-2006, 04:35 PM
well u should find a person who is close to her who could talk to her and tell her how u feel and she could listen to . and im hoping the best for u
salaaaaaaaaaaaaam
Reply

natasha
09-01-2006, 04:53 PM
Salamu 3lykum sis..
May Allah Help You Insha'Allah.. Ameeen.. thats all i can say sis..this world is a test .. have sabr inshallah whateva ur mum is doing just have sabr.. cuze of this sabr u might go to Jannah.. u never know..
Wa3alykum Salaam
Reply

Sahabiyaat
09-05-2006, 09:56 AM
you're very brave and patient and may Allah help you to find peace and tranquility in your life. :rock:
there are sometimes times in our lives when it seems that Allah swt has heaped all the troubles of the world for you alone and the burden seems unbearable, but these are the very times that Allah is closley watching for your reaction and you must keep in mind that it is a trial from Allah.
keep in mind the trials the prophets and sahabah went through and how much they suffered.

p.s

i've been reading up on pmt :?

so thats what wrong with my aunt!,my aunts pregnant and is biting everyones head off :grumbling


but patience, patience :) ....
Reply

farzana aslam
09-05-2006, 03:57 PM
salaam

all i can say is have patient

and they say u shouldn't even say oof to ur parents
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