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Pretty_najm
09-25-2006, 02:01 PM
Asalamu Alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak to all!

In the Name of Allah, most Gracious, Most Merciful

I am dealing, yet again, with another hard situation. I am intended, Alhumdullilah, to a wonderful guy. My parents, he and I had a meeting Sunday to check things out and see if we could really marry. During the meeting some rules were applied. The main ones being no talking to each other on the phone. We actually both dislike that we cant talk to each other and feel bad. Its like we have to know each other is doing ok, and how our day was and so on and so forth. I even feel sad when I cant talk to him. I tried thinking positive things, like Allah is with those who are patient or something to cheer me up. Soemetimes it works other times it doesnt.:cry:

So I guess my questions are "Is it possible to love someone too much, but it doesnt interfere with Islam?" and "Is it possible "To need to talk with the one you love at least every day?"

Sometimes I feel like im being way too needy and wanting of him. I dont know....:cry:

Jazakallah Kayrun for all your advice
ma Salama and ramadan Mubarak
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libyanhero
09-25-2006, 02:09 PM
wailaykum asalam wa rahmatullah sister

ramadan kareem for u

love is a natural instinct for us, in islam we need to know how to balance and control love like we do in anything else look for balance. your not married yet to talk but I think you should be allowed to talk whether its on the phone or on the internet but in accordance with your mahrem he cant hear what ur talking about but while he is there its okay to see each other and talk. like u cant over hear any conversation thats not related to you and which is a sin in islam. so yes you can talk from time to time with a supervision of a mahrem
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- Qatada -
09-25-2006, 03:15 PM
:wasalamex


I don't want sound harsh, but love outside of marriage isn't permitted. And when two people are engaged, they still shouldn't really have feelings for each other because the marriage contract hasn't actually took place, which mean's that the two people are still strangers to each other. So you should still have a mahram whenever you discuss anything, and you should be asking each other serios questions, not jokingly etc.


If i was you, just keep praying to Allaah Almighty, and put your trust in Him. Stay patient like you have already mentioned, and remember that dua' is a really strong weapon of the believer.



"Is it possible to love someone too much, but it doesnt interfere with Islam?"

A person might love someone so much that they start disobeying Allaah Almighty. This might sound odd, but something such as talking to someone to an extreme where a person might miss their obligatory duties such as salaah etc.

Or it might even be something such as haraam actions between two people because their not actually married, but they 'love' each other - so they fall into much worser sins.



"To need to talk with the one you love at least every day?"

You might feel that's true, and when you first fall in love with a person - it's natural to feel that way. But if the couple spend too much time with each other, gradually that excitement dies out, then it might turn to repetition and finally lead to boredom. So the best thing to do is to be patient, keep your trust in Allaah, and remember that famous saying "absence makes the heart go fonder."

So stay patient, and you two can enjoy each other's full company once you're married insha'Allaah.



You'd rather have a blessed [marriage] beginning with no haraam, instead of a sinful beginning with no barakah/blessing.



Allaah Almighty know's best, and insha'Allaah we'll keep you in our prayers.




:salamext:
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DigitalStorm82
09-25-2006, 05:00 PM
Asalamu Alaikum,

I agree with brother Fi Sibilillah... My imaam once told my friend who used to talk often with his fiancee that talking too much to ones future partner can result in unstable marriage or even divorce.

It makes sense if you think about... if you "love" or know that person so well before marriage what is there to know afterwards? Also you build up a certain expectation of that individual... sometimes people change after marriage they dont behave as they did before marriage.. and this promotes conflict after marriage.

Lastly, I'm not 100% sure of this perhaps someone can confirm or reject this statement... There is no "engagement period" in Islam... it has come from the cultural aspect our lives... so its best to minimize that period, and hurry with nikkah if both of your parents are in agreement... that way you will be minimizing possibilty for fitnah.

May Allah keep us on the straight path. Ameen.

W'salaamz,
Hamid
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The Ruler
09-25-2006, 05:02 PM
:sl:

cant u get married as soon as possibl :?

:w:
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Pretty_najm
09-25-2006, 07:40 PM
Originally Posted by +*Glacier*+
:sl:

cant u get married as soon as possibl :?

:w:

I want to get married As soon as next year around May,but my parents are expecting me to wait 1-2 yrs and I know I cant wait that long. Their reason is due to school. Both he and I are in college for an associate degree and have 1-1/2 to go. Isnt it possible to do this while married?

Jazakallah Again
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glo
09-25-2006, 09:04 PM
Originally Posted by Pretty_najm
I want to get married As soon as next year around May,but my parents are expecting me to wait 1-2 yrs and I know I cant wait that long. Their reason is due to school. Both he and I are in college for an associate degree and have 1-1/2 to go. Isnt it possible to do this while married?

Jazakallah Again
If you cannot speak on the phone, do you have any opportunity to meet in the presence of other family members between now and your wedding (whenever that may be) ?
Or will you have no contact at all?

peace
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doodlebug
09-26-2006, 12:23 AM
I just listened to a lecture by Ziaullah Khan which addressed the issue of the parents making the children wait until this or that before marriage. Don't know if they'd be willing to listen to it but here is the link to it: http://is.aswatalislam.net/DisplayFi...=Ziaullah_Khan and it's called "Are You Ready for Marriage".

Bottom line he says that this is not a good excuse to wait because the waiting itself can lead to haram behavior and for what...materialistic reasons that will not matter once we die. ;)

Plus..if you're in college do you really have to have your parents' permission? Aren't you over 18 or is this a cultural thing that I'm not getting?
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Pretty_najm
09-26-2006, 02:22 AM
No I am not 18 yet, i will be in April 2007, InshaAllah.

And he and I have no contact at all, i do email him things relating to islam, but we cant talk. But I really wanna get married, I just think it is so beautiful to share your life with someone and worship Allah with someone...But MashaAllah...
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DigitalStorm82
09-26-2006, 02:36 AM
Plus..if you're in college do you really have to have your parents' permission? Aren't you over 18 or is this a cultural thing that I'm not getting?
She CANNOT marry without a wali... her parents.. Age doesn't matter in Islam.. regardless, she needs the concent of her parents.
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~Stranger~
09-26-2006, 05:08 AM
And when two people are engaged, they still shouldn't really have feelings for each other because the marriage contract hasn't actually took place
:sl:
how r they supposed to know if they want each other if they dont ANY feelings for each other??

now to the siters, i think u should wait for the nikah (incase it wasnt held yet) and after that u can do whatever u want coz u r considered marriued islamically

Allahu a3lam
:w:
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- Qatada -
09-26-2006, 04:48 PM
:salamext:

Originally Posted by ~Stranger~
how r they supposed to know if they want each other if they dont ANY feelings for each other??

The reason they discuss a marriage proposal is to see whether they are a match or not. If they totally hate each other, and disagree on all matters - then obviously, they understand that this person isn't right as my future spouse.

If the person is a good muslim, and both people agree on alot of matters, and they think they are a match. Also if the wali agree's, then obviously they should get married insha'Allaah.


Once their married, they have all their marriage life to love each other and to have a fun relationship.

But if this all take's place right before the actual nikaah (marriage contract etc.) Then what if one person break's the engagement off? The other person will get hurt, and his/her dream's will be shattered.


So obviously, to save a person from falling into that - they should just be formal and not joke around. Because you never know, that person may not really be like you thought they were in the engagement.



Allaah Almighty know's best.
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