infertility-sisters story

[nishom]

Infertility: The Struggle to Conceive


Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would do anything to get it? Would you spend all of your time and money just to get that one thing? Have you ever felt a yearning that would never go away? Would you pray so often and so intensely


that tears would come to your eyes? Read the following story to find out the struggles that some couples face:

Iman’s Story:

“I always knew I wanted children maybe because I come from a large family. When I was looking for a husband, how he dealt with children was very important to me. In fact, seeing how my husband handled someone’s newborn baby was what made me interested in talking to him about marriage. After being married about two years we started trying to have children. We tried for about one year to get me pregnant. With no success, we went to a reproductive health clinic so my husband and I could get tested. (It is normal to take that long to conceive, so, unless there is an obvious problem, most clinics will not test before the couple has tried for one year). Many different tests were done. The doctors only found a minor problem that they assumed would be easy to deal with. We thought that I would get pregnant quickly and were very hopeful.

At this time, we decided to go with a procedure called Intra-Uterine Insemination or IUI. After one trial of IUI in the United States, we moved to Kuwait. It was at this time that I saw a picture above the steps to the clinic in Kuwait. On it was the following Qur’anic verses: “To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females and He renders barren whomever He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things.” [Qur’an 42:49 – 50]. It was a reminder that whatever was to happen would be the will of Allah and that I would accept whatever he had planned for me. After two more IUIs I was pregnant. With my doctor’s permission, I went to Makkah for Umrah. While there, I began bleeding and was told that I’d had a miscarriage. However, after returning to Kuwait, I experienced spotting and pains on my right side. While it was thought that I’d had a miscarriage, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. Surgery was carried out and they were able to save the tube since they had caught the pregnancy early enough. I was grateful they saved my tube, but was becoming disappointed. I think I had not yet really accepted Allah’s will or learned to appreciate all the things I was able to do because I did not have children (help start an Islamic school, study in an intensive Arabic program, go for Umrah at the last minute, etc).

We went back to the United States for a consultation and then returned to Kuwait where we completed 2 more IUIs and then a trial of IVF or In-Vitro Fertilization. Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant from the IVF trial. Sadly though, after six weeks we lost the baby through miscarriage. It was after this trial that I really started to be more accepting of Allah’s will. I found ways to cope with the many side effects of the drugs used in the procedures (moodiness, night sweats, and sadness). I realized that getting pregnant may take a while. (Not getting pregnant ever was still kept in the back of my mind). With the acceptance of Allah’s will came the ability to consider more seriously what my life would be like without children, to focus on the positive possibilities of this outcome, and what I would be able to contribute to the community with the available time.

We went back to the States again and did 4 more trials of IUI. At one point during the IUIs we were faced with the issue of Multi-Fetal Reduction, as my ovaries had produced too many eggs so there was a slight possibility of multiples if I were to get pregnant. We spoke with a scholar in the field and he related that the scholars disagree on this topic. We were told that we needed to make our own decision. This was a difficult issue to deal with, but I knew if I had multiples there was no way I could do it. (I didn’t get pregnant, so we never had to make that choice). We then did a trial of IVF with ICSI. This too was unsuccessful. More sadness and disappointment; then again, acceptance. And, while others didn’t like to hear us say it, we were beginning to accept the fact that we may not ever have our own children. We still kept trying, but had accepted Allah’s will whatever it may be. We then moved to another state and found a clinic that was well-known for its pioneering work in the field of infertility. We did one IVF trial there with different drug combinations and I became pregnant. Alhamdulillah, After four years and lots of prayers we had finally obtained what we wanted. Alhamdulillah, the pregnancy went well and we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.

My advice to anyone trying: be informed about the drugs and the procedures, be prepared to have this as a big part of your life (for a while anyway), know that there will be ups and downs, be patient with “fertile” people’s advice (especially when they say try not to think about it, but everyday is structured around shots or ultrasounds), try and appreciate other gifts/opportunities Allah has given you, and most of all know that Allah is with you and He is the best planner for your life.”

Islamic Lessons to be Learned:

Gratitude:

For those who are able to have children and enjoy them, it is important to remember that they are gifts from Allah. We should always be grateful for what Allah has given to us and not take these things for granted. The sight of a newborn baby should make us awe at Allah’s Power and bow to His Generosity. How many times have we looked at our children and really thanked Allah for them? How many times have people complimented us on our children and we have said Alhamdulillah rather than feeling pride. Gratefulness is an important characteristic of a believer. There are many verses in the Qur’an of this nature. Allah says: “So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny me.” [Qur’an 2:152]

Patience:

Mankind is tested in many ways. The believers are those who are steadfast during times of trial and adversity. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said: “Wonderful is the case of a believer – there is good for him in everything, and this is only for the believer. If he experiences a blessing, he is grateful to Allah – which is good for him; and if he experiences an adversity, he is patient – which is also good for him.” (Muslim) infertility is obviously a burdensome trial given to certain men and women, and those who remain patient and steadfast in faith will be the successful. “indeed, Allah is with those who are patient.”

Remembrance of Allah’s will:

The verses form Surah Ash-Shura summarize this point: “He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills.” All that happens in this life emanates from the will of Allah. Oftentimes we have to accept this even if we find it difficult and are unaware of the wisdom behind such happening. This also means that others should not shun, shame, or ostracize a woman or man who is experiencing infertility. This is something, in particular, that husbands should remember in relation to their wives as demonstrated in the stories of Ibrahim and Zakariya (outlined below). This is the will of Allah and we are not in a position to judge others, particularly for something over which they have no control. Allah knows what is best for His creation.

Understanding:

The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said: “Whatever trouble, illness, anxiety, grief, pain or sorrow afflicts a Muslim – even if it is the pricking of a thorn – Allah removes in its places some of his sins.” The first understanding to have is that through pain, sadness, and struggle comes the reward from Alla, subuhanahu wa ta’ala and expiation for sins. The struggle itself then becomes a blessing from Allah, although we may not be aware of this and it may be difficult for us to comprehend. The second understanding is that Allah has a plan and a reason for all things. One example is that of Aisha, rdiAllahu anha, the wife of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam. Aisha was young, but she did not have children.

The wisdom behind this may be that Allah had another purpose for her. One only needs to look at the numberous ahadeeth that she transmitted and the knowledge that she shared throughout he lifetime to understand what this purpose may have been. There are other areas of life beyond child-rearing where a person can share his or her talents and skills.

Hopefulness and Reliance upon Allah:

It is important to never despair of the Mercy of Allah and to always remain hopeful that Allah will change the situation. Making Du’aa is essential in relation to this. There are several stories in the Qur’an that present beautiful lessons for mankind. The first is about Ibrahim, alayhe as sallam, and his wife Sarah: “And his wife was standing (there) and she laughed: But we gave her glad tidings of Issac and after him, of Jacob. She said “Alas for me! Shall I bear a child, seeing I am an old woman, and my husband here, is an old man? That indeed would be a wonderful thing!” They said: “Do you wonder at Allah’s decree? The grace of Allah and His blessings on you, O you people of the house! For He is indeed worthy of all praise, full of Glory! [Qur’an 11: 71- 73]

The second is of Zakariya and his wife: “there did Zakariya pray to his Lord, (saying:) “O my Lord! Grant unto me from You a progeny that is pure: for You are He that hears prayer! While he was standing in prayer in the chamber, the angels called unto him: “Allah gives thee glad tidings of Yahya, witnessing the truth of a Word from Allah, and (be besides) noble, chaste, and a Prophet, -of the (goodly) company of the righteous.” He said: “O my Lord! How shall I have son, seeing I am very old, and my wife is barren? “Thus”, was the answer, “Does Allah accomplish what He wills.” [3:38-40]. “[This is] a recital of the Mercy of your Lord to His servant Zakariya. Behold! He cried to his Lord in secret, Praying: “O my Lord! Infirm indeed are my bones, and the hair of my head does glisten with gray: but never am I unblest, O my Lord, in my prayer to You! [19:2-4]

“And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: “ O my Lord! Leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors.” So We listened to him: and We granted him Yahya: We cured his wife’s (Barrenness) for him. These (three) were ever quick in emulation in good works; they used to call on Us with love and reverence, and humble themselves before Us.” [21: 89-90]

There are several lessons to be learned form these stories, but the main one is that even the seemingly most impossible circumstances, Allah may answer our prayers and bless us from his bounty. Both Sarah and Isaba were barren for many years, but nothing is beyond Allah’s Power to control. We should obviously not obsess ourselves about having children to the point where it is harmful for ourselves and others, but we should continue to accept Allah’s destiny, remain firm in our faith, and maintain hopefulness. If Allah does not bless us with children in this life, we have the next life to look forward to. It is important to remember that our goal in this life is to obtain Paradise in the Hereafter. This life is but a fleeting moments in the cycle of existence.

The prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said: “Surely I know a verse (from the Qur’an) which, if people would have followed it, would have sufficed for them concerning everything (in life): ‘For those who fear Allah, He provides a way out for them (for everything, and) He also provides them provisions from (sources) that they could never have imagined.” [65:2-3]”(Ahmad and Ibn Majah).

[muslimaprincess]

Dear sister I must say I admire your patience and courage and your will to never give up on Allah's mercy for indeed without a doubt he is the most mercifull. Reading the above post Ive become aware that as well as Takdeer (faith) which is surely from Allah (SWT) alone, there is Tadbeer which one has to do him or herself, as the prophet of Allah has said...
"for verily there is no illness that Allah has created without a shifa for it...except for death!!!!" I pray for u dear sister that may he grant you pious children....and may he make your son the coolness of your eyes.Amin

[lyesh]

Masha Allah good post!!!! Very benificail!

[Jibril]

A woman doesn't need to have kids inorder to contribute. Look at our mother Aisha (ra) who was one of the best teachers in history. Also, theres always adoption.

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[Maidah]

Very nice post, specially for those sisters that may be going through this difficulty. Adoption is available but i guess the joy of becoming a mother and going through all that pregnancy period must be special to every couple. I pray that no sisters ever has to go through this and if you are, like the sister above said just have patience and remember Allah loves his human beings 70 times more than what a mother can. So he would never let you endure pain more than you can take. InshAllah

Salam

[zaki.aumeerudy]

this is a normal problem many times .it generally not a medical problem
your patience isgood .continue
we are used to deal with this and many times the problem is solved .if u want more details on this subject and how to deal with it we may explain first but it is long u may email me on zanak@intnet.mu .

[syilla]

*bump

:)

[ashley66]

:sl:
Thank you for the post. It bring a huge lump in my throat and it was very hard for me to finish reading it till the end. It reminds me to keep hoping and trying and to accept whatever that Allah has as takdeer. I have been yearning to have a baby since I started working. I also wanted so much to perform Haj. The yearning for haj gets stronger every year that I couldn’t look at any picture of Kaabah without tears. I started to du’a for a husband with only 2 criteria – that he pray 5 times a day and he does his fajr and isya’ at masjid. :Alhumdill Allah answered my prayer and I met my husband 10 years later in 2004. I went to haj 2 months after wedding (again Allah answered my du'a :Alhumdill) and my yearning for baby came back. I du’a for a baby during hajj till today. I had a miscarriage the night I return from Makkah. I didn’t know then that I had been pregnant for about 38-40 days. It has been almost 3 years and there is still no sign of a baby. I know I have to be patience, but Simultaneously I am very scared that I may end up never having a baby.
Please du’a for me sisters and brothers and also for others like me. May Allah bless you for your kindness.:w: