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Preparing Muslims for Marriage
by Aneesah Nadir
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah (Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview (1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the first year while another community reported that five out of nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America as a whole: American society's message is, "you can have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek" at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort in her."(7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion, mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
Muslims can choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger as saying, A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..."(Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each other's rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making are essential.