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AnonymousPoster
10-22-2006, 09:03 PM
:sl:

What if you've mashAllah met someone and everything seems ok, but you got this feeling that you can't decide either way? Even if things are going ahead you have this weird feeling...

I want to call it off, wish I was never in this situation. But somethings stopping me from saying no. It's crazy.

A previous proposal I was really confident about it, but it didn't work out, mostly due to her parents. She was basically everything I was looking for.

This proposal, is similar except I guess in looks area. I mean she's not bad looking, just a bit petite? Where as I have a preference for a more buxom build. Actually, she's right down the middle, neither petite or buxom. I know you might think, what's his problem, just say no to this one and find someone more buxom. I guess it's guilt that because she is a religious woman and that how can you say no to someone because of that issue? But I worry that if I did marry her then what if I disrespect her by desiring other women who have the build that I like, or feeling regret that I didn't marry someone like that? From something in psychology I heard/read, you desire something and once you have it your desire for it weekens/goes. So if that desire is not fulfilled in marriage, it will still be present. And possibly stronger due to the "grass is always greener" effect?

I think one scholar said criterion is:
1. religion
2. character
3. intelligence
4. good family
5. beauty

Beauty is relative as what I prefer others would not.

At the end of the day I want to be content. I do not want to disrespect my wife or feel pressure from fitna anymore (as if I was still single).
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DigitalStorm82
10-22-2006, 09:11 PM
Like you said bro... once you fulfill that desire... you go desire something else...

If you go for the physical aspect... you will never be satisfied, looks fade.

If you marry... mary for deen. That is something which tends to grow with time... given you both put an effort to become better persons and partners.

Once you're married... Allah will place love between the two of you... and little things like this wont even exist.

So, marry for the sake of Allah and you can't go wrong.

W'salaamz,
Hamid
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anonymous
10-22-2006, 10:08 PM
:sl:

Desire goes as in you are "cured" of "it". I didn't read/hear about desiring something else though.

Looks fade, but you can always remember what she used to look like, look at old photos? Instead of remembering, looking at pics of other women?

Does protecting your chastity count as for the sake of Allah?
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limitless
10-27-2006, 07:13 PM
:sl:

Brother, you should marry her for the sake of her religion and Allah. Do not worry about your desires because it is in human nature to have desires, and these desires are provoked by shaytaan, which is usually and commonly media. If you marry for Allah's sakes, your desires will demonlish after the marriage as long as you stay connected with Allah through prayer and be a practising muslim family.

An example I will give you.

A muslim man I know had many desires and wishes. His parents bought him everything; even if they had to work over time. He got what he wanted. When the time came for his marriage, he wanted beauty and the desires that you speak of. He got that, he was not happy. He was married to a gorgeous muslim girl, yet their relationships lacked of something, which was obivisouly Allah's grace. In the end, their marriage did not or was not successful, till this day that man regrats what he did and couldn't control his desires. This man was my teacher last year. He advises young adult muslims to go for the religion, even you have the desire that is not fulfilling, just take the chance with the religious woman and with good character because Allah will take care of the rest.

I hope this helps a bit at lease.

:w:
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Snowflake
10-30-2006, 01:11 PM
I just want to say that even if you find someone who is physically everything you desire, there is no guarantee that you will be happy. The perfect physical body is ONLY desirable as long as you are both physically and mentally compatible. If you aren't, that body might as well be a dummy.

But if someone who is less than what you desire physically, is capable of stimulating you mentally as well being intimately compatible, then you will soon learn that physical perfection isn't everything.

And I think I should also point out that women can gain weight after childbirth. So your buxom choice might end up like a double-decker bus. Then what? It's better you go for a sister for her deen.

Placing too much emphasis on physical appearences might backfire. She could end up not finding you as desirable as you wish.

Good can over-ride the bad. But bad can never over-ride the good. Go for her good points.
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Tania
10-30-2006, 03:06 PM
Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
And I think I should also point out that women can gain weight after childbirth. So your buxom choice might end up like a double-decker bus. Then what? It's better you go for a sister for her deen.
You should not forget the husbands who are giving extra large size of food for wife only with the purpose to get them fat. Gina, the guiness world most tat woman -325 kg, had at the time of marriage only 182kg. Her husband which loves the potato sized women bought for her each day her favourites food in extra large quantities.
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AnonymousPoster
10-31-2006, 01:52 PM
I was like "what the hell, just go for it..." So I told my dad to speak to her family. He "said are you 100%?" I couldn't say yes, that would be lying... Dad then refused to speak to her family because I am not 100%. I said I'll never be 100%, only after marriage, but he wouldn't accept it. I was stuck. Why couldn't I be 100%? Dad said trust in Allah and just tell her family no, you need to be 100% before marriage.
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...
10-31-2006, 02:00 PM
Do istikhara and then make a final desicion and insha allah allah will help you.
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AnonymousPoster
10-31-2006, 02:29 PM
Thanks sis, but I've been doing Istikhara a lot and still no certainty. There's something wrong with me... I mean, I've supposed to have given my final decision ages ago, which I did, but still I was getting the indecision. I accept I'm the one that's messed up.
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anonymous
10-31-2006, 04:38 PM
:sl:
imsad Its a love story gone horribly wrong *wipes tears*
Brother in my humble opinion...
Well me thinks that you grow to love somebody more when your married. I know of a couple of sisters and MashAllah they say how the more they known their partner they grow to love them, Why? because its a gift from Allah, A blessing [one of many], one which people like us will never acknowledge.
I know you probably will have heard of this? True beauty is within? I would salute the person who said it but I dont know who did so instead he can have my everlasting gratitude...:D It couldnt have been said more beuatifully and soo true, I mean you can have the most beuatiful person on Earth but if their deen dont compliment their looks then screw that flex :rollseyes :uhwhat

So she isnt the most flattering in your face beauty queen but MashAllah she got the deen like HELLO! What more can you want :rollseyes I understand your predicimant, well to an extent. I would personally say yes, in time by the will of Allah you will find her to be the 'perfect' one and if you love someone that much for the sake of Allah i somehow doubt you will have your eyes on other chics :) May Allah be your guide. Good luck and I wish you the best
& also dont be so harsh on yourself...your a boy, always expecting so much :p Jokes, dont worry InshAllah you be phitphat :D
:w:
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Hijaabi22
10-31-2006, 06:06 PM
uff guyz!
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Tania
10-31-2006, 07:32 PM
I would like to point out again : don't feed her in excess only to have her more pumpkin. She needs to be healthy too :-[
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anonymous
10-31-2006, 08:06 PM
To Asian Queen:
It's not like that. The worst that could happen is that I marry her and divorce and divorce is not liek before, it's really bad for a woman and like ruins her life almost. Do I take that risk with her? Do I think let's try it out and if it doesn't work, we divorce? I can't do that to her.

Maybe it's not the right time for me.... I guess in some ways Allah may has protected her from me? Is it allowed to say that?

I feel like crap anyway.
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Hijaabi22
10-31-2006, 08:50 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
To Asian Queen:
It's not like that. The worst that could happen is that I marry her and divorce and divorce is not liek before, it's really bad for a woman and like ruins her life almost. Do I take that risk with her? Do I think let's try it out and if it doesn't work, we divorce? I can't do that to her.

Maybe it's not the right time for me.... I guess in some ways Allah may has protected her from me? Is it allowed to say that?

I feel like crap anyway.
Urm ok but w8 lemme get dis straight, this woman has all U lukin 4 in a woman except that she isnt as TALL as Ud like?? :?

Wellll basically its like dis, if sum guy refused me coza my heigfht Id be like UP urs dude and wudnt wanna marry him anyways, so no offence or owt but yeah I suggest U dont put her thru that, sorry if i cum across as 2 blunt jus sayin how it is ;)
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
10-31-2006, 09:04 PM
Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Thanks sis, but I've been doing Istikhara a lot and still no certainty.
:sl:

Istikhara isnt about getting certain with one side out of two contrasting sides. What Istikhara does is basically is that, you make a Dua to Allah and put the decision in Allah's hands to choose for you the option that is good for your Deen and your Dunya. You are supposed to do Istikhara and then take the decision that you see fit. Allah will make that decision be the better of the two. It is the cetainty that the decision that was taken was better for the person's deen and dunya than the other option which was not taken.

For example, in scenario 1: a person is deciding two majors. Math and English. He makes Istikhara about it and then decides to take Math. He does math, but does not do so well. One thing he can be sure of is that, this major was better for him than taking the other major which was english.

Scanario 2: a person is deciding two majors. Math and English. He makes Istikhara about it and then decides to take Math. But then he finds that all the math classes are filled up until next semester and he has no choice but to take english. In this case, english was the better major for the person's deen and Dunya, so Allah closed the doors for him to do math and he had to english.

For more on Istikhara, see:

http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=11...%20of%20istikh

:w:
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AnonymousPoster
11-01-2006, 10:55 AM
:salamext:

all i can say is that you should be lowering your gaze!:offended:
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Tania
11-01-2006, 02:55 PM
But why are you so bound to her:? Are so many women around, choose another one. Why you stick to her :?
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