Seeking Islamic ways in handling wife with affairs...

[myaspires]

Peace brothers and sisters...

I am seeking advise or rather Islamic concepts in handling this issue. Pardon me if my scenario goes lengthy as I will try to be as brief as possible at the same time without missing out the important details so as to welcome your advise and comments...

... as i myself is confuse and fear that my actions will be not in line with Islamic teachings...
Here it goes...

I am a family of 3 with my wife and our 2.5 years old kid-son. That was our gift from God and we have just completed our challenge, that is to fully breastfeed him for his first 2 years and thank God, we worked it out really well as my wife is a full-time housewife.

But...

Lately, I have email and SMS proofs that she has been seeing another guy for the pass 2 months. This was disturbing me at first but I withheld my steps as fearing my actions taken will not be in line with our religion. I knew they didn't commit any adultery (sex?) yet but she has been giving me excuses of going out but actually to see him. Sadly, he is married with 2 kids too. This is what the internet world has just created, relationships online. I knew they have secret lunches and dinners without my knowledge.

Well, I eagerly wanting to know, what are the necessary steps as a Muslim husband should take? I have been pondering over and over and maybe because of some un-excusable emotional reasons, I always held back pretending not to know her other relationship.

I apologise, I am not making this site as a "HELP" site but with your strong knowledges and true experiences, I bet I will be able to solve this issue in line with God's command and not my emotions.

God bless you all..!

[syilla]

MashaAllah...i just realised this thread...

and i wonder why no one is replying...

have you confronted your wife yet?

[FBI]

:sl:

Man I feel for you dude, I know what I'd do divorce the wifey and beat the guy senseless.

[Snowflake]

SubhanAllah! Are you absolutely sure that your wife is meeting this man? Hav you thought about following her and then confronting her? If you just confront her on the basis of a few texts and emails, she can say that it's a prank or her email account is hacked etc etc... But how will she explain herself if you catch her red-handed?

From what I understand, as you're sure she hasn't commited zina, divorce should be the last resort. Women usually do these things for emotional reasons, whereas men usually have affairs for physical reasons.

Allah knows, but after you confront your wife, she may repent and realise her mistakes. And you'll find out what lead her to this shameful thing. Could it be she is not happy with you. I'm not saying that makes it right. But rather I'm saying she can make that a reason.

But you have to act immediately. I am not sure if by letting things go on you are indirectly assisting her affair. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say other than confronting her, hopefully by catching her red handed.

May Allah help you inshaAllah.

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[Ismile]

This situation should be handeled with care and not with force i do not agree with force. You must be sure to talk to your wife and take your children in to consideration. You can talk to the Imam about your situation he would be able to give advice on this situation. Salam i hope you proble is solved.

[Umar001]

Assalamu Aleykum,

I think as a Muslim Husband and a time like this, people giving advise should avoid words like 'confront' remember brother that romours and wisphers are something evil and it is best for you to speak to your wife, make sure your calm, remember that Allah is watching and that anything you do is being recorded, so don't let anger overtake you.

So just sit down and speak to the sister, begin by telling her good things and how much you care about her, the fact that she is the mother of your child and that you appriciate her breastfeeding your kid, if she says nothing has happend then tell her in a nice way, that you have had emails and txt mesages which have put doubt in your mind and ask her to explain them for you, remember your not trying to prove her guilty, your trying to help her remove your doubt!!

Also, you need to think of how your treating her, 'housewife'? Brother, sisters are humans too, things can be hard for them specially after having a kid, women can feel that they are not attractive anymore, so if your not showing her attention telling her she is beautiful and so on, some sisters would go and get that from someone else. Not saying she has cheated, but I would understand why, some sister would go into depression and others might just end up hating you.

Check how you are as a husband, and improve too, insha'Allah. :)

Your brother Eesa.

[Tania]

Its time for you to sit and think: have you neglected your wife lately :? Usually when a woman just talk with another man it means she feels lonely, not understood by her man, that would be you. I think you should give her much more time from your own and don't think the fact you have 1 child with her, would turn her into your life slave. The child doesn't represent anymore a padlock in marriages.

[myaspires]

Peace to you brothers & sisters,

First of all, Thank GOD that in just a short period, many of you concerned souls have voiced out your opinions.

Of course, as some of you noted, as a husband, I must ask myself and herself, if in any ways I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a husband that had led her into this.

Brother Eesa, 'housewife' is a jargon for a 'full-time stay-at-home-mom'. I didn't mean to be offensive with that term. You made a very good point by pointing out to the brothers on the possibility of post-partem-depression.

Tania, your point has always been taken into consideration the moment she is pregnant with our first child. It is true that most husbands (I saw this happening) left it solely to their wives in the upbringing and nurturing their children. But I beg to differ, I believe the child is the responsibility of both of the father and mother to GOD. We were both on 'leave' during his first 3 months into this earth cos I know how torturing it could be for a mother after labour without her husband on her side to relief her duties. Tania do has her point, Islam never teaches us to treat our wives as slaves. Wives have their equal rights too in the eyes of GOD.

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

On top of all that, instead I shall 'confront' her, but in a peaceful manner, bottomline, I must find out her intentions, then we will work out from there on?

GOD knows best...

GOD bless all of you..!

[Skillganon]

This stuff make's my life difficult thinking about it.

I guess one has to speak to her gently, and inshallah it will work out.

[Tania]

Its the time to begin a small investigation to find out what she likes. May be you are too "all time with her" and she is tired by you. I know an ex colleague which complained at one point her husband is all day on her head after work.That could be a problem too.

[myaspires]

Its the time to begin a small investigation to find out what she likes. May be you are too "all time with her" and she is tired by you. I know an ex colleague which complained at one point her husband is all day on her head after work.That could be a problem too.

hmmmmm ......
too much and too little of everything seems no good for anything ......
worth considering too ......

[Tania]

hmmmmm ......
too much and too little of everything seems no good for anything ......
worth considering too ......

I don't want to interfere in your marriage life but if i would be in your place i would try for a week, lets say, or x days, to spend less time like before at home. You will can see her reaction - if she cares and still loves you she will miss you. If not thats it. something is broken and need to be fixed. :-[

[Woodrow]

Two things not to consider:

1. Immediate thoughts of Divorce

2. Beating the daylights out of the other "Guy"



There is always a reason for everything. Although in Islam her actions are not considered proper. She may have had much influence from non-Muslims and at the moment see's no harm in what she is doing. This is a time that calls for a gentle hand and understanding. The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger. Avoid accusations and ask for her side of the situation. Let her talk. When she is done let her know how it makes you feel. Let her know that it is wrong in Islam. Ask her to suggest a solution. Try to work out an amicable agreement to end this behavior. If that fails go to your Iman and explain what is going on. From there foreward follow his advice.

[Tania]

The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger.

Do you think its a good thing to ask her about the other one :? Or you are sugesting he should try to find out from she the reasons, rather than to keep guessing whats wrong with her:?

[Snowflake]

There is nothing wrong with confrontation. It doesn't have to be aggressive. But the issue needs to be approached, and the sooner the better.

Lately, I have email and SMS proofs that she has been seeing another guy for the pass 2 months. This was disturbing me at first but I withheld my steps as fearing my actions taken will not be in line with our religion. I knew they didn't commit any adultery (sex?) yet but she has been giving me excuses of going out but actually to see him. Sadly, he is married with 2 kids too. This is what the internet world has just created, relationships online. I knew they have secret lunches and dinners without my knowledge.

I can see how you have proof from emails and texts, but how can you be sure she is meeting him as you say? Who looks after your child when she supposedly goes to meet this man? Maybe the suspicions are getting the better of you?

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't confront her if you havent seen them meet with your own eyes. The emails/texts are a good enough reason for confrontation. It's the only way to get an explanation and hopefully stop it leading to a full blown affair and ruin two families.

Islamically, there's no rules how, when, where to confront your wife, except that it shouldn't come to physical assault and blatant accusations. But confront her you must.

Wouldn't it just be simple to ask her if she is happy with you? She'll probably lie and that will be your cue to tell her you've seen the emails and texts. Then wait for her to explain and take it from there.

[Woodrow]

A confrontation does not have to be forcefull or arguementative. It can be done with tact and with a desire to reconcile a problem, not to damage a marriage. It is times like this that can mean the difference between divorce or a true understanding of each other.

A marital confrontation needs to be approached out of love and not out of anger. But, it is necessary for both of you to talk. Quitness leads to anger and exaggerated thoughts. Not knowing the truth is more painfull than facing the truth.

[syilla]

:sl:

subhanaAllah...

please take into consideration...that sometimes this situation can be tricky...
some ladies will make up her decision and thats it...

especially if she is saying...that she is in love...and etc...

try to be kind with her....and ask her politely...
try to understand her as much as possible.

May Allah be with you...

salams

[myaspires]

There is nothing wrong with confrontation. It doesn't have to be aggressive. But the issue needs to be approached, and the sooner the better.




I can see how you have proof from emails and texts, but how can you be sure she is meeting him as you say? Who looks after your child when she supposedly goes to meet this man? Maybe the suspicions are getting the better of you?

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't confront her if you havent seen them meet with your own eyes. The emails/texts are a good enough reason for confrontation. It's the only way to get an explanation and hopefully stop it leading to a full blown affair and ruin two families.

Islamically, there's no rules how, when, where to confront your wife, except that it shouldn't come to physical assault and blatant accusations. But confront her you must.

Wouldn't it just be simple to ask her if she is happy with you? She'll probably lie and that will be your cue to tell her you've seen the emails and texts. Then wait for her to explain and take it from there.

The emails are gotten from the computer she is using, and the SMS texts from her cellphone, yes, I took time off from work to look after our son when she goes 'dating'..... no physical assaults or blatant accusations will be taken into my account...

Thank you sister...

[myaspires]

:sl:

subhanaAllah...

please take for consideration...that sometimes this situation can be tricky...
some ladies will make up her decision and thats it...

especially if she is saying...that she is in love...and etc...

try to be kind with her....and ask her polite...
try to understand her as much as possible.

May Allah be with you...

salams

Peace to you sister,

Very well said, in her email to one of her friends she did mentioned that she is in love with 2 men at the moment, her 'date' and me (lucky me). Perhaps I still have the 50/50 chance to see this true, although I know it takes 2 to see this through successfully.

[myaspires]

Two things not to consider:

1. Immediate thoughts of Divorce

2. Beating the daylights out of the other "Guy"



There is always a reason for everything. Although in Islam her actions are not considered proper. She may have had much influence from non-Muslims and at the moment see's no harm in what she is doing. This is a time that calls for a gentle hand and understanding. The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger. Avoid accusations and ask for her side of the situation. Let her talk. When she is done let her know how it makes you feel. Let her know that it is wrong in Islam. Ask her to suggest a solution. Try to work out an amicable agreement to end this behavior. If that fails go to your Iman and explain what is going on. From there foreward follow his advice.

Thank you brother, as for now, that will not be in my wish list, and will try not to add that as an option, I learn no martial arts...

[YusufNoor]

Peace to you brothers & sisters,

First of all, Thank GOD that in just a short period, many of you concerned souls have voiced out your opinions.

Of course, as some of you noted, as a husband, I must ask myself and herself, if in any ways I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a husband that had led her into this.

Brother Eesa, 'housewife' is a jargon for a 'full-time stay-at-home-mom'. I didn't mean to be offensive with that term. You made a very good point by pointing out to the brothers on the possibility of post-partem-depression.

Tania, your point has always been taken into consideration the moment she is pregnant with our first child. It is true that most husbands (I saw this happening) left it solely to their wives in the upbringing and nurturing their children. But I beg to differ, I believe the child is the responsibility of both of the father and mother to GOD. We were both on 'leave' during his first 3 months into this earth cos I know how torturing it could be for a mother after labour without her husband on her side to relief her duties. Tania do has her point, Islam never teaches us to treat our wives as slaves. Wives have their equal rights too in the eyes of GOD.


On top of all that, instead I shall 'confront' her, but in a peaceful manner, bottomline, I must find out her intentions, then we will work out from there on?

GOD knows best...

GOD bless all of you..!

:salamext:

Assalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Brother Myaspires,

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

if a test has been decreed by Allah(SWT), you seem to handling it quite admirably. don't blame yourself, don't even blame your wife. we all succomb to the wispers of shaytan at some time or another.

if you cannot discuss this with your wife alone, get a member from your family and 1 from hers. show them copies of your "evidence" and ask them for help.

or just show her the stuff herself and say you need to talk. i know you probably don't know what to say, but unless she has planned out this aspect of her "new relationship", she won't either.

the latter seems easier, but more might get accomplished with the former. less irrational split moment type things. (witnesses!)

putting it off just enables stuff to get more complicated.

a Mufti i listen says when you are having problems with someone, go pay some volountary charity on their behalf. i've seen it work!

i'm actually proud of you so far. most of the Muslim brothers i know would have done something stupid by now to soothe their own ego.

also, everything is not always as it appears to be...

May Allah(SWT) strengthen you and guide you. may He also guide your wife. and may He bring this matter to a happy conclusion. may He also make your child grow strong in faith, wisdom and love that comes from both his parents.

:wasalamex

Yusuf

[myaspires]

:salamext:

Assalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Brother Myaspires,



if a test has been decreed by Allah(SWT), you seem to handling it quite admirably. don't blame yourself, don't even blame your wife. we all succomb to the wispers of shaytan at some time or another.

if you cannot discuss this with your wife alone, get a member from your family and 1 from hers. show them copies of your "evidence" and ask them for help.

or just show her the stuff herself and say you need to talk. i know you probably don't know what to say, but unless she has planned out this aspect of her "new relationship", she won't either.

the latter seems easier, but more might get accomplished with the former. less irrational split moment type things. (witnesses!)

putting it off just enables stuff to get more complicated.

a Mufti i listen says when you are having problems with someone, go pay some volountary charity on their behalf. i've seen it work!

i'm actually proud of you so far. most of the Muslim brothers i know would have done something stupid by now to soothe their own ego.

also, everything is not always as it appears to be...

May Allah(SWT) strengthen you and guide you. may He also guide your wife. and may He bring this matter to a happy conclusion. may He also make your child grow strong in faith, wisdom and love that comes from both his parents.

:wasalamex

Yusuf

Brother Yusuf,

Thanx for your encouraging words, in my humble opinion, I have to put my emotional aside and have to tackle my issues tactfully, in line with GOD's words and therefore here I post, and I got answers, cool and calm. If I would have jumped to conclusion, it would be like a disaster waiting to happen...

GOD knows best...

[Tania]

I have another idea about marriage :-[ What about she knew you married with she only because you liked her in your bedroom. We have one thread on the topic. So right now she is still there, in your house, but she searched a man for her feelings. May be she just wants someone who is after her brain, do you know for her company, for her way to be. :)

[Snowflake]

MashaAllah brother Myaspires, you have a very cool head on your shoulders. You're absolutely right that aggression can promptly put an end to your marriage. One simply can't afford to be aggressive, especially where children are involved.

Personally I don't think you should involve a third party at this stage. Knowing her secret is in the open is more likely to make your wife think you have exposed her sins to others and there's a danger she will react badly to that. She may just leave because she won't feel she can face anyone again if they are in on her secret. You need to confront her alone at first and keep it between yourselves.

Have you decided on how and when you are going to talk to her about it?

[myaspires]

I have another idea about marriage :-[ What about she knew you married with she only because you liked her in your bedroom. We have one thread on the topic. So right now she is still there, in your house, but she searched a man for her feelings. May be she just wants someone who is after her brain, do you know for her company, for her way to be. :)

Tania, sex is part of marriage, but marriage is never part of sex, but that 'brain' part... I will find out, I never knew even once I have insulted her intelligence, but sure, for now the benefits of the doubts are widely in practise... thanx!

[Tania]

Tania, sex is part of marriage, but marriage is never part of sex, but that 'brain' part... I will find out, I never knew even once I have insulted her intelligence, but sure, for now the benefits of the doubts are widely in practise... thanx!

Welcome :) i am talking about her emotional feelings, many men are ignoring completely the women needs and which is worst the men are asking for it. For instance i would expect my husband to know my feelings, rather than i to say to him. Example: woman likes to walk in the evening in the park.More happy she will accept an invitation, sincere invitation from him, than a :"now what would you like to do:? " Walking....ohhh dear not again, but if you wish lets go imsad If you can catch the difference.

[myaspires]

MashaAllah brother Myaspires, you have a very cool head on your shoulders. You're absolutely right that aggression can promptly put an end to your marriage. One simply can't afford to be aggressive, especially where children are involved.

Personally I don't think you should involve a third party at this stage. Knowing her secret is in the open is more likely to make your wife think you have exposed her sins to others and there's a danger she will react badly to that. She may just leave because she won't feel she can face anyone again if they are in on her secret. You need to confront her alone at first and keep it between yourselves.

Have you decided on how and when you are going to talk to her about it?

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but ... let us work this out internally. Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

[myaspires]

Welcome :) i am talking about her emotional feelings, many men are ignoring completely the women needs and which is worst the men are asking for it. For instance i would expect my husband to know my feelings, rather than i to say to him. Example: woman likes to walk in the evening in the park.More happy she will accept an invitation, sincere invitation from him, than a :"now what would you like to do:? " Walking....ohhh dear not again, but if you wish lets go imsad If you can catch the difference.

Very well said Tania, my wife did brought that up to me during our betrothal period and now I believed it after going thru marriage. Another example, when a women is telling you how bad her day was or her bad experiences with her best friend.... you man better sit and just listen, for she expects no problem solving from you.... :giggling:

[YusufNoor]

Asalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Brother,

some things one probably shouldn't say in a mixed board, but:

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

your child is the SECOND gift from Allah(SWT), you wife was your FIRST!

not sure about this:

Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

you have a problem now, it has been brought to your attention so that maybe you can prevent the need for her to see him again...

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but

maybe, but i don't think there was an internet option either! i'm just thinking that, well i HAVE seen what a violent woman can do!

i just don't think that "time" is on your side...

May Allah(SWT) continue to strengthen you and may He help you to resolve this situation in everyone's best interest.


:wasalamex

Yusuf

[Tania]

you have a problem now, it has been brought to your attention so that maybe you can prevent the need for her to see him again...

There is an expression: a problem become a problem when more people knows about it. Discretion ,more understanding of the wife needs and i think it can be fixed. :)

[starfortress]

:sl:
I don't have any experience about marriage that worth enough to share with you bro,yes i feel sorry for you,why not we pick some notable examples from the life of the someone who was being a perfect human and perfect husband,he was Muhammad (S.A.W)

O Prophet, say to your wives: "If you desire the life of this world and its glitter, then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek God, His Messenger, and the Home of the Hereafter, verily God has prepared for you, the well-doers among you, a great reward." (Al-Ahzab 33:29)

The Ideal Husband

Here another good reading from Sheik Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

"A husband must be patient with his wife if he sees something in her that he disapproves and dislikes. He should recognize that he is dealing with a human being with natural imperfections, and he should balance her good qualities with her failings. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.”

Divorce Should Be the Final Resort

[Snowflake]

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but ... let us work this out internally. Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

:sl:
No you're not wrong. Third parties should only be involved if everything fails. But I don't think it is wise for you to wait until if your wife sees this man again. Like brother Yusuf said, things can get worse. Your wife might reach a decision that's not in your favour before you have the chance to try to save your marriage. God forbid.

I am also highly worried about another aspect of keeping things to yourself. How is all this affecting your peace of mind? How do you sleep? :(
Even if you're trying to keep everything inside, subconsciencely changes must've crept in your behaviour towards her? Sorry, please forgive me and you do not need to answer, but is she still behaving normally with you?

:w:

[myaspires]

:sl:
No you're not wrong. Third parties should only be involved if everything fails. But I don't think it is wise for you to wait until if your wife sees this man again. Like brother Yusuf said, things can get worse. Your wife might reach a decision that's not in your favour before you have the chance to try to save your marriage. God forbid.

I am also highly worried about another aspect of keeping things to yourself. How is all this affecting your peace of mind? How do you sleep? :(
Even if you're trying to keep everything inside, subconsciencely changes must've crept in your behaviour towards her? Sorry, please forgive me and you do not need to answer, but is she still behaving normally with you?

:w:

Muslimah Sis, I wasn't keeping things to myself, all of you knew about this now :rollseyes . Of course my mind wanders at times, but thinking about GOD cools everything off in me. And it didn't disturb my sleep. The situation in the house is still warm and cozy, I never let this interfere with my kid's playtime and our family meals together, we still talk as normal, cos she didn't know that I knew. Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

Thank you...

[Tania]

Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

Thank you...

Pay attention to her attitude:
1. She is feeling guilty toward you ...or...
2.Just happy because she find someone to listen her... to fit in her needs:? Sometimes a chit chat is good to relief the stress:)

[Panatella]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

[myaspires]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

Panatella, can you please quote which verse in the Quran that states as such? Thanx!

[Panatella]

Panatella, can you please quote which verse in the Quran that states as such? Thanx!

Surah 24:3.

[SilentObserver]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

Don't you think stoning is a little extreme? Or I suppose you support this?

[Panatella]

Don't you think stoning is a little extreme? Or I suppose you support this?

I do not support throwing rocks at people, no. Seems a bit barbaric to me.

[Snowflake]

=myaspires;598437]Muslimah Sis, I wasn't keeping things to myself, all of you knew about this now :rollseyes

lol I know bro and I hope it helps to share with us.

Of course my mind wanders at times, but thinking about GOD cools everything off in me. And it didn't disturb my sleep. The situation in the house is still warm and cozy, I never let this interfere with my kid's playtime and our family meals together, we still talk as normal, cos she didn't know that I knew. Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

MashaAllah I really admire your self-control bro and the way you haven't let this situation affect the atmosphere at home.

I hope to Allah I'm right but if your wife is being extra nice then she may have realised that what she was doing is wrong. Her reaction could be out of guilt. Maybe by seeing this man a few times she's realised that he is not what he made out to be and she's realised her mistake. I pray everything works out for all your sakes.

But I would advise you to sit down and just have a chat with her. Not about what you know, but just ask if she is happy with you and so on. It may give you a clue as to what went wrong in the first place.

:w:

[myaspires]

lol I know bro and I hope it helps to share with us.


MashaAllah I really admire your self-control bro and the way you haven't let this situation affect the atmosphere at home.

I hope to Allah I'm right but if your wife is being extra nice then she may have realised that what she was doing is wrong. Her reaction could be out of guilt. Maybe by seeing this man a few times she's realised that he is not what he made out to be and she's realised her mistake. I pray everything works out for all your sakes.

But I would advise you to sit down and just have a chat with her. Not about what you know, but just ask if she is happy with you and so on. It may give you a clue as to what went wrong in the first place.

:w:

Yes Sis, thank you, nice suggestion, not too much focusing on the problems instead...

[myaspires]

Surah 24:3. There is some arguement that any hadith that requires stoning is not a Quranic law and therefore unislamic. While others argue the opposite.

24:3 states nothing about the 100 stripes
24:4 does say 80 stripes for those who accused married woman of adultery and couldn't produce 4 witnesses

couldn't find anything on the 100 stripes though...

[myaspires]

24:3 states nothing about the 100 stripes
24:4 does say 80 stripes for those who accused married woman of adultery and couldn't produce 4 witnesses

couldn't find anything on the 100 stripes though...

correction, i mean couldn't locate anything about stoning

[Panatella]

correction, i mean couldn't locate anything about stoning

That is what my post said. Stoning was not mentioned in the verse, and to my knowledge comes from hadith. The disagreement is about the validity of these hadith. I don't know any specific hadith, sorry. Perhaps some other members do.

[Zone Maker]

I do not support throwing rocks at people, no. Seems a bit barbaric to me.

:sl:

You don’t support stoning because it's "in your opinion" barbaric or because its unislamic. [Please explain by giving strong evidence]

:w:

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:

It is known that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent the Ghaamidi woman who was pregnant as a result of zinaa away until she gave birth, then after the birth he sent her away until she had breastfed the child and weaned him. She came back with the child who had a piece of bread. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave the child to one of the Muslims, then he gave orders that she should be placed in a hole up to her chest, and commanded the people to stone her. Imaam al-Nawawi said concerning this hadeeth: “A pregnant woman should not be stoned until she gives birth, whether her pregnancy is the result of zina or otherwise. This is agreed upon, lest her foetus be killed. The same applies if her hadd punishment is flogging; a pregnant woman should not be flogged, according to consensus, until she has given birth.” (Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 11/202)

May Allaah make all matters easy for you and the muslims, ameen.

[Panatella]

:sl:

You don’t support stoning because it's "in your opinion" barbaric or because its unislamic. [Please explain by giving strong evidence]

:w:

Are you asking a question or making a statment?

[Panatella]

:salamext:

It is known that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent the Ghaamidi woman who was pregnant as a result of zinaa away until she gave birth, then after the birth he sent her away until she had breastfed the child and weaned him. She came back with the child who had a piece of bread. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave the child to one of the Muslims, then he gave orders that she should be placed in a hole up to her chest, and commanded the people to stone her. Imaam al-Nawawi said concerning this hadeeth: “A pregnant woman should not be stoned until she gives birth, whether her pregnancy is the result of zina or otherwise. This is agreed upon, lest her foetus be killed. The same applies if her hadd punishment is flogging; a pregnant woman should not be flogged, according to consensus, until she has given birth.” (Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 11/202)

May Allaah make all matters easy for you and the muslims, ameen.

There are some that believe this hadith and others like it are not valid, while others disagree. What do you believe?

[- Qatada -]

The hadith is in saheeh Muslim, therefore without a doubt it is authentic. Therefore the punishment can be applied, but only in an islamic state. And Allaah Almighty knows best. :)

[Panatella]

The hadith is in saheeh Muslim, therefore without a doubt it is authentic. Therefore the punishment can be applied, but only in an islamic state. And Allaah Almighty knows best. :)

Are there any states in the world today that are considered 'islamic' that this could be applied?

[- Qatada -]

I don't think so, but i think the muslims are trying to establish one in Somalia. And Allaah knows best.



:salamext:

[Zone Maker]

Are you asking a question or making a statment?

A question.

I would like you to answer the question and according to your answer I might know what type of person you are.

:w:

[Panatella]

You don’t support stoning because it's "in your opinion" barbaric or because its unislamic.

A question.

I would like you to answer the question and according to your answer I might know what type of person you are.

:w:

It is my opinion.

I don't know if it is unislamic or not.

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:


Lets stick to the topic insha'Allaah, its the brothers thread and i'm sure he doesn't want other arguments, jazak Allaah khayr.

[Tania]

I don't know why have you bring to topic the stoning and lashing when is not the case. We have here a woman which face certain depression and she needs time to clear up her feelings. The husband should sit calm and wait patient or take the measure said by Muslimah sis. Very discreet don't ruin her mood much more than it is now.

[Zone Maker]

It is my opinion.

I don't know if it is unislamic or not.

So it's Just an opinion.
Thanks.
Now if you want to see why it's Islamic (under certain conditions) I recommend you to search the forum for the topic or ask Ansar directly.

[sorry for going off topic]

:w:

[Panatella]

I don't know why have you bring to topic the stoning and lashing when is not the case. We have here a woman which face certain depression and she needs time to clear up her feelings. The husband should sit calm and wait patient or take the measure said by Muslimah sis. Very discreet don't ruin her mood much more than it is now.

He asked for the islamic way of handling adultery, his question was answered.

[Panatella]

So it's Just an opinion.
Thanks.

:w:

Yes, that is what I said. And you are welcome.

Now if you want to see why it's Islamic (under certain conditions) I recommend you to search the forum for the topic or ask Ansar directly.


:w:

You'll excuse me if I don't accept this forum as an authority on things islamic.
It is an open question in my mind, and is yet unanswered. There are convincing arguements to support both opinions.

[Tania]

He asked for the islamic way of handling adultery, his question was answered.

But she has 0 affairs. She just talk with a man. With how many women are talking usually the men at office:? Conversation can't fall in the adultery category.

[Panatella]

But she has 0 affairs. She just talk with a man. With how many women are talking usually the men at office:? Conversation can't fall in the adultery category.

We have no knowledge of what she is actually doing.

Is it acceptable behaviour for a married muslim woman to have secret conversations, and to meet discreetly with another married man? BTW, she did say in a text message to a friend that she was in love with 2 men.

In the context of the topic, adultery and it's punishments are quite appropriate to mention.

[Snowflake]

I can't see how the topic of punishment for adultry is helping brother myaspires. He didn't ask anything of such but how to handle the issue islamically. Let's not draw his attention and ruin his peace of mind further with issues that he isn't concerned with. Please.

[Tania]

We have no knowledge of what she is actually doing.

Is it acceptable behaviour for a married muslim woman to have secret conversations, and to meet discreetly with another married man? BTW, she did say in a text message to a friend that she was in love with 2 men.

In the context of the topic, adultery and it's punishments are quite appropriate to mention.

I still think we should be cautious because even the love is not define. The eternal question : What is love- for more reference visit bro Muezzin page.

Secondly we have here a jealous over protective husband which did something otherwise would not check up his wife cell phone. I would not like if my personal things would be check up by my husband. I expect to have certain privacy in marriage too.

Last line: she is a good wife, her husband could not make any complaint regarding her behaviour at home. Sometimes in life we needs little bumps to realise how close to our heart is a person. Only when you could loose someone forever you can appreciate him /her correctly.

My opinion: lets say i will become talkative with a man. My husband will decide to punish me throwing me in that hole with stones. I will never regret what i did because i would despise the fact i could marry with a man for which my entire time dedicated to him ment nothing. the big 0.

[syilla]

i checked my hubby mobile phone too...

and i know sometimes he checked mine too lol :D

[Snowflake]

We have no knowledge of what she is actually doing.
Is it acceptable behaviour for a married muslim woman to have secret conversations, and to meet discreetly with another married man? BTW, she did say in a text message to a friend that she was in love with 2 men.

In the context of the topic, adultery and it's punishments are quite appropriate to mention.

You're right we have NO knowledge let alone four witnesses to prove the wive's adultry. Then how does punishment come into it?

Bear in mind there are different types of zina, but the punishment you are refering to is for unlawful sexual intercourse. That is not the case as far as the brother is concerned.

[Panatella]

You're right we have NO knowledge let alone four witnesses to prove the wive's adultry. Then how does punishment come into it?

Bear in mind there are different types of zina, but the punishment you are refering to is for unlawful sexual intercourse. That is not the case as far as the brother is concerned.

To say he is not concerned with adultry would not be honest even if he said it himself. And if you are ever in this situation and require 4 witnesses when you can see it for yourself, well then, good luck with that. Personally, I would need only one witness......me. It would be foolish to wait for witnesses when they were hiding the affair.
I am not saying he should whip her a hundred times. I would advise against it actually. All I did was provide the information. Clearly it is part of all that he must think about, and any man would be concerned about adultery in his situation.

the punishment you are refering to is for unlawful sexual intercourse

Really? Could you provide some proof of that please? It is not applied to other types of sexual activity and betrayal in a marriage? Is there seperate punishments for a wife that does everything else sexually except intercourse with another man?

It seems unusual to me that generally speaking many people here feel that the covering of the woman's face is important, and lowering the gaze is very important, yet such inappropriate behaviour by a married woman seems to be defended.

[- Qatada -]

Panatella, if we're going to carry this discussion on - we might aswell do it in another thread, so please create one if you wish to carry it on.


Here's what the scholars say regarding zina:

Question:

I need further information about the verse interpreted here about adultery. Adultery, according to the Hudood I read, require penetration. Is that true of Islamic law?

Are married persons, or single for that case, indulging in immoral acts that do not include penetration (but maybe oral sex), exempted from this punishment?

Secondly, is there a forgiveness for adultery? Or for what I inquired in my previous question.
I'd be greatly obliged to recieve an answer, because this issue has confused me for a long time.



Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Zinaa, in Arabic, means immorality, and is used with two meanings in shar’: a general meaning and a specific meaning.

The general meaning includes that which carries the punishment (hadd) and that which does not carry it. Islam does not give the name of zinaa only to that which carries the punishment, which is just one of many types of zinaa. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: “I have never heard any better definition of ‘small faults’ [al-Najm 53:32] than that which Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated from the Prophet

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): ‘Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zinaa, and there is no way to escape from it. The zinaa of the eye is a glance, the zinaa of the tongue is speaking, and the zinaa of the mind is wishing and hoping; then the private part either acts upon this or it does not.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 11/26; Muslim, 4/2046).


Al-Bukhaari included this hadeeth in a chapter entitled Baab zinaa al-jawaarih doon al-farj (Chapter on the zinaa of faculties other than the private part).



Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Zinaa is not always associated with the private part itself, but may involve other faculties such as the eyes and so on.”


Ibn Battaal (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Looking and speaking are called zinaa because they lead to real zinaa. This is why he said that the private part either acts upon this or it does not”






Zinaa is one of the forbidden deeds, one of the most serious major sins (kabaa’ir) after shirk and murder. Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):




“And those who invoke not any other god along with Allaah, nor kill such life as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse – and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [al-Furqaan 25:68-70]





“And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah [anything that transgresses its limits – a great sin], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allaah forgives him).” [al-Isra’ 17:32]


Imaam al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The ‘ulama’ said that the phrase And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse is more eloquent than merely saying ‘Do not commit zinaa’, because the meaning is, Do not even come close to zinaa.” This means not doing any deed that may get close to zinaa or lead to it, such as being alone with a member of the opposite sex, touching, looking, going to evil places, speaking in a haraam manner to a woman to whom one is not related, thinking about and planning immoral acts, and so on.



‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: “I asked the Messenger of Allaah

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), ‘Which sin is worst in the sight of Allaah?’ He said, ‘To make any rival to Allaah, when He has created you.’ I asked, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘To kill your child for fear that he will eat with you.’ I asked, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘To commit zinaa with the wife of your neighbour.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 8/492; Muslim, 1/90).


All religions are agreed that zinaa is haraam; no religion allows it. The punishment for zinaa is the most severe of punishments, because it violates people’s honour and lineages.







The sin of zinaa may be of varying degrees, and the gravity of the offence depends on the nature and circumstances of the deed, although all zinaa is haraam, a major sin and an act of immorality.


Zinaa with a mahram [i.e., incest] (Allaah forbid) or with a married woman is far worse than zinaa with a woman to whom one is not related or with an unmarried woman, because it involves violating the rights of the husband, contaminating his bed, attributing a child to him that is not his, and other kinds of offence and harm. If her husband is a neighbour, the crime of being a bad neighbour is added to the offence; if her husband is one's brother or relative, the crime of breaking family ties is added.



The Prophet

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: He will not enter Paradise whose neighbour is not safe from his evil actions.” (Reported by Muslim, 1/68).





There is no evil action worse than zinaa, and if the husband is absent for the sake of Allaah, such as in worship, seeking knowledge or jihaad, then the sin is compounded. Buraydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The wives of the mujaahideen are as sacred and forbidden to those who stay behind as their own mothers. There is no man of those who stay behind who is entrusted by one of the mujaahideen with the care of his family and then betrays him (by committing zinaa), but he will be detained on the Day of Resurrection, and (the one whom he betrayed) will take as much of his good deeds as he wishes. So what do you think?” (Reported by Muslim, 3515).





If the adulterer is married, the sin is greater, and the punishment is stoning, and if he is an old man, the sin is greater and the punishment is as the Prophet

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) mentioned in the hadeeth about the three whom Allaah will neither look at nor praise on the Day of Resurrection, and who will have a painful punishment.” (Saheeh Muslim, 156). If the deed is also committed during a sacred month or in a sacred place or at a time which is special in the sight of Allaah, the sin is compounded.





The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that the basic act of zinaa which carries the punishment is illegal sexual intercourse, whereby the two “circumcised parts” [i.e. genitals] come together and there is penetration of the tip of the penis, because this is actual penetration (which carries the prescribed hadd or punishment).



A person must avoid evil deeds and everything that can lead to them. Allaah has commanded us to avoid the traps of the Shaytaan, because if a man takes one step in that direction, his shaytaan and his own ego (nafs) will keep urging him to do evil until he commits immoral deeds.





One should think about how serious it is to touch a woman to whom one is not related, as the Prophet

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explained: “If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with a piece of iron it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman whom it is not permissible for him to touch.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045). This refers to the punishment for touching, so how about worse deeds, such as embracing and kissing, and even worse kinds of illicit activity? The Muslim qaadi is empowered to stipulate an appropriate punishment for every proven action other than actual intercourse; in the case of intercourse, the punishment set out by Islam is one hundred lashes and a year’s exile for one who is unmarried, and stoning for one who is married. This is the punishment in this world, and the punishment in the Hereafter is far more severe.





One of the important principles which the salaf (may Allaah have mercy on them) pointed out is that the sincere believer who truly hopes for Allaah and the Hereafter should not look at whether the sin is major or minor, or whether is carries a punishment (hadd) or not. It was reported that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: “There is no major sin if one asks for forgiveness, and there is no minor sin if one persists in repeating it.”



Someone else said: “If you want to disobey Allaah, do not think about the smallness of the sin, think about the greatness of the One Whom you are disobeying.”



With regard to the matter of repentance from zinaa, please refer to the book "I Want to Repent, But...", …”, under the heading Books on this website. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.




Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid


http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?re...%20intercourse

[Muslim Woman]

I seek refuge in Allah (The One God) from the Satan (devil) the cursed, the rejected

With the name of ALLAH (swt) -The Bestower Of Unlimited Mercy, The Continously Merciful

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh (May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you)

&&&

:sl:

Man I feel for you dude, I know what I'd do divorce the wifey and beat the guy senseless.

Oh brother , i hope u r not serious. Divorce should be the last resort.


The husband does not have any solid proof that she has an illegal sex life .....so why divorce ? If unfortunately she has a boyfried now , tell her that she is not allowed to do so as a Muslim husband can't have a girl friend . Talk to her directly......what's her problem ? Is she unhappy in her married life ? If yes , why ?

Sometimes , after having kids , wife or husband may not give much attention to each-other .....they become full-time parent that may cause problem. I mean , ur wife is not only a mother ...she is a wife , a young lady........may be , u fulfilled ur duty as a father...kid's dad but something was missing in ur part as a husband. Better u talk to a marriage counsellor .

U may talk to her openly .....really she loves someone else ? If u divorce her( just assume that if u do ) , will that person marry her & accept the kid etc , etc. Be open to her , if any solution does not come out , talk to her parents .


Also , offer extra prayer besides ur 5 times prayers & Ask Allah to help u both. May Allah have mercy on U & the kid. Ameen.

[myaspires]

Secondly we have here a jealous over protective husband which did something otherwise would not check up his wife cell phone. I would not like if my personal things would be check up by my husband. I expect to have certain privacy in marriage too.

Tania, how reliable SMSes can be? SMSes can be fakes, SMSes are used to stir up propagandas, and what makes you think by just intruding into my wife's privacy and eluded her SMS messages gave me rigid proof that she is seeing this man?

Any religions, will want us to provide proofs before making a conclusion and the proof that I've got are not based on eluding SMSes. Before I can even make a posting to this forum, I make myself sure that all proofs are rigid and from a trusted source and has been counter checked several times... then I made my move to post into this forum... but only asking for advises and suggestions.

For you to conclude "a jealous over protective husband", I would only allow you to do so only after you have observed how we run the family at home. I believe man and woman are given equal rights. Never once came into my mind that 'husbands' control the entire family. Wife played an ultra-important role in running the whole family altogether, wives are allowed to decide, wives are allowed to correct the husbands if he makes mistakes. And most importantly, wife is the closest person to you to observe you, to see the difference in you and to prevent you from making any wrong moves before anybody else sees it.

Our family, days after days, years after years are built on TRUST. My wife deals with all races and sexes in years of our business together. IF there are any ideas pointing to me as a husband who locks up his wife at home giving no earthly freedom and prevented her social life... retract that... though I'm no perfect super-human but I will never do that to a woman!

I have brought down my defenses and willing to accept any suggestions that can open up more on my already broadened mind and that already rule out the ideology that I am a male-chauvinist. But Tania, you seemed always eager to proof... no matter what my reasons are and no matter what I do... you will always be there to create another reason of my wrongdoings which you are unsure off. Psychologically, an over jealous typical egoistic husband will not resort to ways on listening from others, in fact he will take the matter in his own hands based on weak proofs alone.

Listen up guys, IF I have wronged her, I am willing to take any blames on that. And don't give me that impression that Islam is ruthless in its actions based on this scenario. As a believer that all religions are peaceful, only humans corrupted it based on wrongfully translated text or uncertained words form humans, GOD forbids! To me, the words of GOD are meant to powerful enough and HE did mentioned several times on man and woman relationships, and not only about sexual punishments.

Anyway, thanking all of you for your participations in this thread. I believe its time to close this thread. Administrators, please take note.

Peace to you all & God bless all of you...

[Al-Zaara]

:sl:

My brother, Insha'Allah, this will be sorted out. I pray for your, your wife's and family's best.

Thread closed upon request.