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anonymous
01-09-2007, 07:14 PM
My mum hates me, she cant stand me. She cant even look at me with a smile! I dont know why, i dont know what Ive done to hurt her so much but she always insults and curses me, before i used to always cry and feel down but now Ive learn how to cope with it but still I do cry, and I feel so upset and unwanted..

Today my mum said "your going to run away when your older, God knows if you've got a boyfriend now" Ive never had a boyfriend, and i dont ever want one. Ive told her a million times i dont have anyone so why does she keep suspecting me? If she thinks that of me what will other people think of me?! Theyl think worse! She cant trust me and i dont know why, i dont have a bad past or it doesnt look like ive got a boyfriend so where the hell does she get this idea from?? Especially when she calls me all these names, really hurts me, hurts me even more to think she thinks like that of me. She doesnt know the real me, i want her before Allah takes me away from this world Inshahallah, Im just gonna break down one day I know it, I seriously cant take it no more. Ive had just about enough of 4 years cursed and sworn at!
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AvarAllahNoor
01-09-2007, 07:18 PM
Well, does she suffer from mental problems? Is she depressed, insecure (sounds like it) Is she agressive? You may want to get a family member invloved to try to help her inderstand how you're feeling. After you've tried explaning it to her yourself of course!

Sath Shri Akal
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AnonymousPoster
01-09-2007, 07:20 PM
Theres nothing wrong with her mental health or whatever, she gets annoyed easily.
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AvarAllahNoor
01-09-2007, 07:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Theres nothing wrong with her mental health or whatever, she gets annoyed easily.
It's not a good excuse really is it to verbaly lash out. - Is she a practising muslim? Maybe you can talk to her when she's calm, about how her jumping to conclusions hurts your feelings. Try to reassure her.
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Sabbir_1
01-09-2007, 07:38 PM
My mum hates me, she cant stand me. She cant even look at me with a smile! I dont know why, i dont know what Ive done to hurt her so much but she always insults and curses me, before i used to always cry and feel down but now Ive learn how to cope with it but still I do cry, and I feel so upset and unwanted..

Today my mum said "your going to run away when your older, God knows if you've got a boyfriend now" Ive never had a boyfriend, and i dont ever want one. Ive told her a million times i dont have anyone so why does she keep suspecting me? If she thinks that of me what will other people think of me?! Theyl think worse! She cant trust me and i dont know why, i dont have a bad past or it doesnt look like ive got a boyfriend so where the hell does she get this idea from?? Especially when she calls me all these names, really hurts me, hurts me even more to think she thinks like that of me. She doesnt know the real me, i want her before Allah takes me away from this world Inshahallah, Im just gonna break down one day I know it, I seriously cant take it no more. Ive had just about enough of 4 years cursed and sworn at!
i can understand mom cursing at children, but ur mom is 10X worsre.. u sure u aint done nothing to upset her. cuz u probably did without knowing..

My mum hates me, she cant stand me. She cant even look at me with a smile!
U should try and look at her wid a smile

Today my mum said "your going to run away when your older, God knows if you've got a boyfriend now" Ive never had a boyfriend,
weird thing to say...

i dont have anyone so why does she keep suspecting me?
rumours. lies someon probably making up lies against u.. u got any enemies.. relatives, cousins that dont like ya.


Inshahallah, Im just gonna break down one day I know it, I seriously cant take it no more. Ive had just about enough of 4 years cursed and sworn at!
Im surprised u havent already broke down, i would of.. nah keep calm talk to her have u sat down wid her and asked her. why she says al that.. talk to her..
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AnonymousPoster
01-09-2007, 07:43 PM
I know of a few people that might have been saying things and turning her against me. But not guilty until proven. Its not a weird thing to say unless no-ones been saying anything.
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Rabiyal
01-09-2007, 07:47 PM
are you the eldest daughter, or maybe the only child?

if so PM me will talk.....
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lolwatever
01-10-2007, 12:00 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
My mum hates me, she cant stand me. She cant even look at me with a smile! I dont know why, i dont know what Ive done to hurt her so much but she always insults and curses me, before i used to always cry and feel down but now Ive learn how to cope with it but still I do cry, and I feel so upset and unwanted..

Today my mum said "your going to run away when your older, God knows if you've got a boyfriend now" Ive never had a boyfriend, and i dont ever want one. Ive told her a million times i dont have anyone so why does she keep suspecting me? If she thinks that of me what will other people think of me?! Theyl think worse! She cant trust me and i dont know why, i dont have a bad past or it doesnt look like ive got a boyfriend so where the hell does she get this idea from?? Especially when she calls me all these names, really hurts me, hurts me even more to think she thinks like that of me. She doesnt know the real me, i want her before Allah takes me away from this world Inshahallah, Im just gonna break down one day I know it, I seriously cant take it no more. Ive had just about enough of 4 years cursed and sworn at!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sis i don't think she hates you. Get to the bottom of it and ask her why...

Maybe you done something that sorta ignited suspicion? I odnt know but i swear with some paretns even the tiniest things can endup like a crime scene to be invesitgated to them....they don't mean to be evil but they prob just over worried and suspicious which kinda backfires.

Non the less.. get to the bottom of it and ask her why she's the way she is.

Take care all the best inshalah!
:w:
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Tears4Palestine
01-12-2007, 09:37 PM
:sl:

Talk to your mother, she's the only one who can give u answers.

:w:
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snakelegs
01-12-2007, 11:51 PM
well, it is more about her than about you. i doubt that she hates you - it is very unnatural for a mother to hate her child.
it sounds to me like your mother is a victim of fear and insecurity and fear often manifests as anger.
try to show her your love and if you can, let her know how much you would value (and live up to) her trust.
hard to live with, tho!
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Umar001
01-12-2007, 11:56 PM
I think everyone has kind of provided the 'what if' replies. I will just say, some people, I don't know if your mother is, but some are deeply effected by the way they have been treated when young or other things.

It is easy to get angry at such people, 'why you taking your anger out on me' or 'what have I done!!' is what comes to mind most of the time, but we as humans need to realise that the person who turns sour because of past experiences or abuse is still being abused, their sourness is due to the abuse and is in turn the abuse or the bad experience in itself, an dit is sad that some people can't get over it, sometimes they want to but dont know how to change, I think that we need to be careful and appriciate how lucky we are to have a chance to change.
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ehmad
01-13-2007, 01:32 AM
As Salam wa Alikum Sister,

With regards to your question I have a very detail answer that will justify your doubts , I realise that you will find it to be too lengthy but it worth going through.

1– The mother’s rights over her child

The mother has many major rights over her child. These rights are innumerable, but we may mention the following:

(a) Love and respect, as much as possible, because she is the most deserving of people of her son’s good companionship.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “A man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said,
‘O Messenger of Allah, who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ The man asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your father.’”

She is the one who made her womb a vessel for you and nourished you from her breast. You have no option but to love her. The fitrah (natural inclination of man) calls you to love her. Love between mothers and children and children and mothers is something that Allah has instilled even in animals, so it is even more befitting for the children of human beings, and for Muslims in particular.

(b) Taking care of her and looking after her affairs if she needs that; this is a debt that rests on the child’s shoulders. Did she not take care of him when he was a child and stay up with him at night and bear it all with patience?

Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship. And she brings him forth with hardship…” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]
This even take precedence over jihad if there is a conflict between the two.

‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allah be pleased with them both) said: “A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and asked him for permission to participate in jihad. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to him, ‘Are your parents alive?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Then your jihad is with them.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2842; Muslim, 2549)
(c) Not offending them or saying or doing anything that they dislike.

Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “say not to them a word of disrespect” [al-Israa’ 17:23]
If Allah has forbidden us even to say “uff” [paraphrased as “a word of disrespect” in the translation of the meaning of the aayah] to our parents, then how about someone who hits them?!

(d) Spending on her if she is in need and does not have a husband who can spend on her or if her husband is poor; for the righteous, spending on one’s mother and feeding her is more precious than feeding their own children.

Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with them both) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“Three men went out walking and rain began to fall on them. They entered a cave in a mountain, then a rock fell (blocking the entrance to the cave). They said to one another, Pray to Allah by virtue of the best deeds that you have done. One of them said, O Allah, my parents were elderly and I used to go out and tend to my flocks, then I would milk them and bring the milk to my parents for them to drink from it, then I would give some to my children. One night I came home late and found them sleeping. I did not want to wake them, and the children were crying at my feet. I kept waiting and the children kept crying until dawn broke. O Allah, if You knew that I did that for Your sake, then open a way for us through which we can see the sky. So a way was opened for them…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2102; Muslim, 2743)!
(e) Obeying her when she tells you to do something good. But if she tells you to do something bad, such as shirk, then there should be no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator.

Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:15]
(f) After one’s mother dies, it is Sunnah to fulfil any vows that she had made, and to give charity and perform Hajj and ‘Umrah on her behalf.

It was reported from Ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with them both) that a woman from Juhaynah came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said:
“My mother vowed to go for Hajj, but she died before she did so. Can I perform Hajj on her behalf?” He said, “Yes, perform Hajj on her behalf. Do you not think that if your mother owed a debt that you would pay it off for her? Fulfil her debt to Allah, for Allah is more deserving that what is owed to Him should be paid.” (narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1754).
(g) After she dies, it is also Sunnah to honour her by maintaining ties with those whom she used to keep in touch with, such as her relatives and friends.

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“The best of righteous deeds is for a man to keep in touch with his father’s friends after he dies.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2552). 2 – Your rights over your mother

(a) That she should take care of you when you are a child, breastfeeding and nurturing you. This is a well-known aspect of human nature that has been handed down from the beginning of creation.

Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling” [al-Baqarah 2:233]

(b) She should bring you up in a righteous manner, for she will be responsible for that before Allah on the Day of Resurrection. You are part of her “flock” and she is your “shepherd”.

It was reported that ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar said: “I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say : ‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The imaam is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and is responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock.’ I think that he said, ‘A man is the shepherd of his father’s wealth and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 853; Muslim, 1829)

3 – Permissible things that it is permissible for you to do without your mother interfering in your affairs

She does not have the right to make decisions about what you should like with regard to permissible things over which she has no authority, such as food, drink, clothing, means of transportation, etc.

Neither does she have the right to interfere in your choice of a wife – if she is righteous – so long as you are not disobeying Allah with regard to that. At the same time it is prescribed (by Islam) that you should try to please her even in your choice of a wife, if she advises you in a way that will not harm you.

With regard to her interfering with such matters as when you go out of the house or come in, or your going out in the evening with your friends: both parents have to watch their children with regard to this, so as to keep control of things and not let their children be led astray by bad company. In most cases, when young people are corrupted it is because of bad company. Concerning this matter, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“A man will follow the way of his close friend, so let each of you look to who his close friends are.”

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2387; Abu Dawood, 4833. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi and as Sahih by al-Nawawi, as stated in Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi, 7/42).
Parents also have to watch when their child goes out and when he comes in, because they should not give him free rein, especially if he is not righteous.

You have to acknowledge their status and respect them and offer them good companionship, even if they give you a hard time with regard to things that Allah has made permissible for you. Allah has commanded us to treat our parents well even if they are kuffar who call you to shirk, so how about if they are calling us to something which they sincerely believe to be good? Even if sometimes it causes you some difficulty with regard to something that is permissible for you, the best thing to do is to obey them and do what they want. Even though you do not have to do this, it is a kind of sacrifice and giving them preference, because they are the most deserving of being given good treatment. In the Qur’an, Allah has mentioned obedience to parents immediately after worship of Him, in order to demonstrate the high status afforded obedience to parents.

4– With regard to how you can tell your mother that you want more freedom, this can be achieved by words and by deeds.
(a) Deeds

After proving to your mother in practical terms that you are no longer the child whom she used to know and that you have become a man who is able to bear responsibility and you behave like a man in front of her, if she sees that repeatedly, she will trust you. Then things will start to get better and you will have a higher status in your mother’s eyes.

(b) Words

By clearly proving, quietly discussing and speaking softly, giving examples of your sound attitude. May Allah open your mother’s heart so that she will deal with you as a wise, mature, sensible, adult man, so long as you are like that.


The importance of honouring one’s parents in Islam?

The importance of honouring one’s parents is:

Firstly: it is obedience to Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents” [al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’” [al-Israa’ 17:23]
In al-Sahihayn it is reported that Ibn ‘Abbaas said:
“The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was asked which deed is the best? He said, ‘Faith in Allah and His Messenger, then honouring one’s parents…’”
And there are many other Aayat and Mutawaatir Ahaadeeth which say similar things.

Secondly: obeying and honouring one’s parents is a means of entering Paradise, as it was reported in Sahih Muslim from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said
: “He is doomed, he is doomed, he is doomed.” It was said, “Who, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “The person whose parents, one or both of them, reach old age during his lifetime but he does not enter Paradise.” (Sahih Muslim, 4627).
Thirdly: Respecting and honouring them brings friendship and love.

Fourthly: respecting and obeying them is a way of showing gratitude to them because they are the ones who brought you into this world. You should also show gratitude towards them for bringing you up and taking care of you when you were young. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents” [Luqmaan 31:14]
Fifthly: if a person honours his parents this may be the cause of his own children honouring him. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Is there any reward for good other than good?’ [al-Rahmaan 55:60] And Allah knows best.
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Snowflake
01-13-2007, 03:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
My mum hates me, she cant stand me. She cant even look at me with a smile! I dont know why, i dont know what Ive done to hurt her so much but she always insults and curses me, before i used to always cry and feel down but now Ive learn how to cope with it but still I do cry, and I feel so upset and unwanted..

Today my mum said "your going to run away when your older, God knows if you've got a boyfriend now" Ive never had a boyfriend, and i dont ever want one. Ive told her a million times i dont have anyone so why does she keep suspecting me? If she thinks that of me what will other people think of me?! Theyl think worse! She cant trust me and i dont know why, i dont have a bad past or it doesnt look like ive got a boyfriend so where the hell does she get this idea from?? Especially when she calls me all these names, really hurts me, hurts me even more to think she thinks like that of me. She doesnt know the real me, i want her before Allah takes me away from this world Inshahallah, Im just gonna break down one day I know it, I seriously cant take it no more. Ive had just about enough of 4 years cursed and sworn at!
:sl:

Firstly, please don't be offended by what I say. The human mind is very complex and it is sometimes very hard to understand why people behave in the way they do.

I am more or less thinking along the same lines as Snakelegs.
format_quote Originally Posted by snakelegs
it sounds to me like your mother is a victim of fear and insecurity and fear often manifests as anger.
You said that there is nothing in your behavior/conduct that should give your mother reason to be suspicious. Therefore it may be two things.

Sometimes, people fear that their past mistakes will haunt them through their kids. So if they have displeased their parents, they believe the same thing will now happen to them. I personally know people who don't want children as they firmly believe that 'what goes around, comes around'.

Secondly, girls are expected to act demurely and those who don't fit into that bracket are seen as 'risks'. For instance a girl may treat males and females alike and speak to them in a jokey way, which parents see as being provocative.

Whatever the reason is, the onus is on you to disprove your mother's suspicions. I have noted that those amonsgt us who practice ands excel in their deen very rarely arouse suspicions of bad character. Even if people hear something bad about them they find it hard to believe.

Be strict in your deen and in your behavior in and out of the home. It's amazing how an innocent action can lead to suspicion, especially amonsgt asians.

example 1.
a sister prays 5 times a day, recites Quran, is modest and reserved in her behavior and obedient and not quarrelsome to her parents, avoid programs and music that lead to fitnah, has friends of the same calibre

example 2.
a sister who prays now and then, rarely recites quran, even if she does her behaviour conflicts with islamic etiquette, she argues with her parents, entertains herself by provoking material and keeps company which is harmful to her deen

Which out of these two sisters is most likely to to be seen as a risk of straying? Undoubtedly to some people the latter.

Therefore, sometimes unknowingly some aspects of our behavior can cause suspicion in the minds of others. And however wrong it is to judge someone, the fact is that it happens. And sometimes to change the opinion of others we have to change ourselves - especially in the case of parents who react negatively in their opinion of us.

Be firm in your deen and your character as a muslimah and as a daughter. Let your mother see that a person aware of her duties islamically and morally is unlikely to go astray. Let her see you practicing deen to the best of your ability and inshaAllah, with Allah's help the doubts she has will vanish with the knowledge that a God fearing muslimah isn't going to do anything to dishonour her own or parent's reputation.

If it helps to know, my brother who decided to divorce his wife aroused many suspicions in my mothers mind that another woman was involved. When she began going to his house daily, she realised that he is strict in his prayers and can't possibly be invovled in an extra marital relationship. SubhanAllah, Allah looks out for those who are mindful to Him in their obligations.


May Allah have Mercy on you both and on upon the whole Ummah. Ameen.
Please forgive me If I said anything that you found offensive.

:w:
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Zulkiflim
01-13-2007, 05:58 PM
Salaam,

May i just say that your position is not new,other have been afflicted by it.

father and mothers and even relatives abuse their chidren..

But that does not mena you have to be like them.
Respect them as your elders as Allah commands,but do not do as they do nor do what they command of u that is ill.

No matter what,they are always your parents,respect them and love.
Follow the faith and be strong at heart,seek faith from Allah.
inshallah,be steadfast.

What they say may be vile or abhorrent,dont take it to heart,no matter what care for them as your parent ,that is their due..
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