Dating - It's More Tempting Than You Think

[tresbien]

Dating - It's More Tempting Than You Think

If you think you're missing the boat by not dating and that you will never meet that "dream" person, I have some great news for you. Your boat is in perfect condition and is not going anywhere without you. God is in control of everything. He knows the best time for you to get married and He has already picked out the perfect mate for you. No matter how hard you try on your own or rush the process, you will never find the perfect match that God is waiting to give you. All you need to do is place your trust in God, have patience, and stay firm in your commitment to keep your purity of body and mind. Once you are ready to share in the blessing of marriage, you will appreciate why God has encouraged you to stay single for such a special occasion.
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Is dating against the Quran? Believe me, I have spent many a long night trying to figure this one out for myself. I've been searching for that one magical verse or explanation that makes everything clear. Let me break the suspense by saying that I have yet to find that one verse. The good news is that my search has given me a much better understanding of this difficult question. I have come to realize that dating is a process that occupies a great deal of your emotions and tempts you physically so fast that you don't realize what hit you. The process spins out of control and becomes very hard to control. The real challenge to your faith starts when precious attention shifts away from the needs of your soul to the needs of your body and drains your efforts to increase your remembrance of God.

Typically, the word dating is used when a guy and a girl develop both an intimate physical and social relationship together. The physical part is as simple as holding hands and evolves into hugging, kissing and other forms of sexual relations. What's the bid deal with a little kiss or hand holding? Yes, I can certainly relate that it's innocent and very common, but I can assure you that it's more involved than you imagine. For one thing, there are verses in the Quran that regard this type of interaction as much more serious than we would like to think. In addition to having to deal with the Quranic aspect of this issue, you are occupying your mind with sensitive and powerful emotions that do not help you in remembering God and growing your soul. The daily challenge of submitting to God and working righteousness becomes harder and less active in your mind as you become increasingly attracted to your mate with your thoughts, emotions, and time. Although you may use good arguments to comfort your mind that your actions are harmless, your soul feels the energy that is being taken away and becomes weaker and more vulnerable. The time and attention you give to your emotional attachment is the precious strength your soul needs to grow. Increasing your physical and emotional contact happens naturally since your convinced mind can't hear the weak calls from your soul.

I am pretty sure that no matter how strong you are, you are likely to experience this uncontrollable cycle when you invite the process of dating to your life. If you feel you can date someone without the physical stuff, you should be very honest with yourself and think about God first before you make your decision. For some, there may be a sincere intention to have only a social interaction with a person. In this case, the relationship should be called a friendship, not dating, so that you can have a clear understanding from the very beginning without any room for guesswork or temptation. However, if you are dating someone now or think you are just "friends" but are experiencing a desire for contact and romance, you should ask yourself one question: "what's the point of winning the battles of avoiding the physical stuff while your soul is losing the war from all the energy and effort that's being drained away? If you are giving in to your urges and satisfying your physical desires, I suggest you fasten your seat belt before continuing to read some of the verses I come cross in the Quran.

There are clear verses in the Quran against the natural results of dating; from the seemingly innocent kiss to the more obvious. God instructs all of us eligible bachelors and bachelorettes to maintain our chastity until marriage; (5:5) … Also, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers.Anyone who rejects faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers. (23:1-7) Successful indeed are the believers; who are reverent during their Contact Prayers (Salat). And they avoid vain talk. And they give their obligatory charity (Zakat). And they maintain their chastity. Only with their spouses, or those who are rightfully theirs, do they have sexual relations; they are not to be blamed. Those who transgress these limits are the transgressors.

[24:30] Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything they do.

[24:31] And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to GOD, O you believers, that you may succeed.

, [70:29] They keep their chastity.

[70:30] (They have relations) only with their spouses, or what is legally theirs -

[70:31] anyone who transgresses these limits is a sinner.

Chastity is defined Quranically in 23:6 as avoiding sexual relations. You may try to ease your mind quickly by defining sexual relations as intercourse only, leaving all other contact as fair game. That's a pretty good argument that I've tried to use myself more than once. According to the Quran, however, sexual relations include any intimate physical contact. Let's look at if from another angle. How can we justify holding someone's hand romantically or kissing them when God asks us to be extra careful by subduing our eyes (24:30-31) and even avoid meeting secretly unless we have something righteous to discuss (2:235). The classic argument to support physical relations is claiming that the person is "rightfully yours." You convince yourself that the person you are dating, which happens to be a fellow submitter or a potential convert, will be your future spouse. Based on your reasoning, sexual relations with someone who is rightfully yours is not as bad and makes you feel less guilty about your actions. If you think about this line of reasoning carefully, you will find some big problems. The least important is the fact that you are probably years away from being ready to tie the knot. Of course, completing your education, having a source of income besides your weekly allowance, and setting up a place to live other than your parents' house are useful little details that may have skipped your mind. By that time, the "rightfully yours" dream date may be out of your life and you realize your useful excuse provided temporary pleasure at a great expense to your soul. The main problem with the rightfully yours argument is that this Quranic statement has nothing to do with supporting dating intentions. Unfortunately, I have even seen parents use this argument to ease their mind or justify dating for their child. Instead of encouraging their child to focus on God continually (20:132) and avoid the temptation of dating, they give in to peer pressure and the common practices of today. They reason that it's better for their child to start a relationship with someone they know, especially if it's a submitter, rather than remaining single and being vulnerable to others. Ahhhh, the submitter argument. We have all used this at one time for one reason or another. Surly, it can't be all that bad if two young and innocent submitters are dating? Actually, it's much worse since both are fully aware of the result of tempting God's advice knowingly.

Speaking of consequences, what does the Quran say about this issue? There are some very strong words used in reference to having sexual relations and deciding not to maintain your chastity knowingly. God uses the words transgressor, a sinner, a rejecter of faith, all your works will be in vain, and in the Hereafter you will be with the losers (5:5, 23:7 and 70:31). These descriptions definitely caught my attention too! We are not talking about a simple slap on the hand. God mentions that all your works will be in vain. After putting these pieces of the puzzle together, the dangers of dating start becoming much more clear. Of course, we know that God is Most Merciful and is the acceptor of repentance. But why should you bring yourself to the point of having to repent when you have the power to remain steadfast from the very beginning? Keep in mind also that the example you set when you date as a submitter is very damaging since you are supporting something that is against the faith you are practicing everyday. What explanation do you give to your little brother, sister, or submitter friends and youth who are striving along the path of submission with you?

Where does this leave you? You are a single young and attractive submitter with your emotions and hormones revving in high gear. All you see around you are images of love, romance, passion and sex. Your friends seem to go through dates like it's a fruit and you wonder if they are beginning to question your sexual orientation. The prospect of waiting to get married feels like a hopeless eternity. You begin to ask yourself why you should have to endure such temptation. The answer is very simple. God has blessed you with the light of submission while your friends and the rest of the world are dancing helplessly down a dark and dangerous path. God has given you the chance to strive for an everlasting life that radiates with happiness and peace. Before you begin to feel sorry for yourself, ask yourself if you are willing to trade this awesome blessing for the temporary enjoyment your friends are experiencing? I don't think so. Your path is rare and requires you to work hard and strive. You have to demonstrate with your actions and intentions that you are worthy of being a submitter. You have to use all your strength, patience and faith to overcome the challenges that are testing your faith in God. Passing your test can as simple as avoiding dating and controlling your physical urges. This feeling is extremely hard to tolerate and the challenge is difficult, but the outcome is worth every effort. Know that God does not burden you beyond your means. The weaker you feel, the more you are being signaled to pull yourself away from temptation and towards God. The beauty of God's system is that He not only rewards you for your efforts in the Hereafter but also showers you with all sorts of rewards in this life for your commitment. God promises a deep and meaningful happiness that is far greater than any temporary romance can ever bring you. This relationship with God is strong and stays with you forever unlike the short relationships that bring quick pleasure but end in disappointment and emotional pain. For this reason, following the example of a submitter is a rare and beautiful honor that we should be proud uphold. Our example can be a source of inspiration and guidance for our friends. After all, we know that everyone can date easily. But, who can demonstrate the strong character and personality that comes only from a meaningful relationship with God?

It seems to me that any way I look at it, I see dating as being a harmful process for the soul no matter how you try to justify your action. How can we stay clear of such an attractive temptation that is so common among our circle of friends and community? The best way to avoid a dating situation starts by accepting God's advice from the very beginning without any hesitation or doubts. This understanding means you leave no doubt in your mind that dating is out of the question for you. If you leave any wiggle room or gray area in your thinking, you will soon find yourself trying to convince your mind that certain aspects of dating are just fine. Before you know it, you are in this blinding cycle that takes control of you. The next step is to keep a close eye on your emotional attachments and, what I call "soap opera daydreaming." You may have accepted that dating is not right for you but you may find yourself fantasizing about the perfect relationship, a romantic encounter, or the classic made for television love affair. If you are not in a position to get married, it's better to put these thoughts on hold since it makes the process of staying single much harder. Such thoughts can cloud your judgment and can make the smallest encounter appear as the start of a great love story. These romantic affairs and tearjerkers we see in the movies are made to sell tickets and popcorn, not our souls. Keep in mind that the true love you will experience in marriage is nothing like that dramatic "crush" that seems to run your life until it evaporates into thin air. When you sense your emotions are running away from you, take a time out for a reality check. Drop the idea from your mind and analyze the situation as if you are asking God for advice. Know that God is aware of your innermost intentions and that He is the Best Supporter. Finally, I must point out that we seem to notice only the positive images of dating. The flip side is often very disappointing and, in some cases, devastating to the emotions. The saying that "all good things come to an end" is especially true with dating. There is the pain of separation, the feelings of rejection, denial, depression, and dealing with the reality that you shared the most private experiences of your life with someone who is now a stranger to you. Of course, we also have the very likely possibility of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases to deal with.

What is the alternative to dating? Believe it or not, there is another world outside dating that is even more rewarding for your soul and your emotional needs. Once you place your trust in God's system, you can see everyone from the filter of true friendship. There will be no pressure to impress others, to change your ways or act differently. You will be a free spirit enjoying the company of people you meet without expectations or desires. You can start having many meaningful friendships instead of spending most of your time with only one person. You will experience the beauty of this diversity, the fun of having such different personalities in your life and the blessing of being able to turn to a strong social network in the time of need. These friendships will be there for you and last through times of difficulty. Most importantly, you not only save emotional energy, you gain even more strength from your friends; strength that you need in your path of submission to God. If you are eager to start a relationship or are finding yourself in a questionable situation now, make your intention clear that you desire only friendship and avoid situations that trigger your physical or emotional urges. Spend your time in larger group settings or in a family environment. Avoid one-to-one encounters until you know deep inside that the relationship is clearly friendship. Even then, it's always better to involve your other friends when you want to do something. You know what they say, "the more, the merrier."

If you think you're missing the boat by not dating and that you will never meet that "dream" person, I have some great news for you. Your boat is in perfect condition and is not going anywhere without you. God is in control of everything. He knows the best time for you to get married and He has already picked out the perfect mate for you. No matter how hard you try on your own or rush the process, you will never find the perfect match that God is waiting to give you. All you need to do is place your trust in God, have patience, and stay firm in your commitment to keep your purity of body and mind. Once you are ready to share in the blessing of marriage, you will appreciate why God has encouraged you to stay single for such a special occasion.
[2:235] You commit no sin by announcing your engagement to the women, or keeping it secret. GOD knows that you will think about them. Do not meet them secretly, unless you have something righteous to discuss. Do not consummate the marriage until their interim is fulfilled. You should know that GOD knows your innermost thoughts, and observe Him. You should know that GOD is Forgiver, Clement.

[20:132] You shall enjoin your family to observe the contact prayers (Salat), and steadfastly persevere in doing so. We do not ask you for any provisions; we are the ones who provide for you. The ultimate triumph belongs to the righteous.

(30:21) Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.

(94:5-8) With pain there is gain. Indeed, with pain there is gain. Whenever possible you shall strive. Seeking only your Lord.

[lolwatever]

mashalah love teh example u gave in first paragraph! :D

jazaks sis

[Naheezah]

hmm very nice article jazaaks 4 sharing!:)

[shible]

Good Thought Friend,

I wish that Each and Every muslim should read this thread to safeguard themselves from the fires of hell

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[iqbal_soofi]

Mashallah it's a nice post. You gave the negative side of dating. It's good to know the harmful affects of dating. However, there's apostive side of it too. Every decent human being wants to have romance or to beautify his/her lifestyle. They want to change their lives and become better human beings. On the other hand animals do sex without romance. They don't dream like human beings. Therefore their lives are not changed. Those human beings who think like animals also do sex without romance. They're also unable to change their lives any better. When they see the loving and decent people changing their lives, they become mad and wild. In their madness they do all kinds of destruction to others. Going to the extreme of romance or dating is also not good too. This makes people look like flirts. Any kind of extremism is not good. We should behave like decent human beings.

[Dawud_uk]

Mashallah it's a nice post. You gave the negative side of dating. It's good to know the harmful affects of dating. However, there's apostive side of it too. Every decent human being wants to have romance or to beautify his/her lifestyle. They want to change their lives and become better human beings. On the other hand animals do sex without romance. They don't dream like human beings. Therefore their lives are not changed. Those human beings who think like animals also do sex without romance. They're also unable to change their lives any better. When they see the loving and decent people changing their lives, they become mad and wild. In their madness they do all kinds of destruction to others. Going to the extreme of romance or dating is also not good too. This makes people look like flirts. Any kind of extremism is not good. We should behave like decent human beings.

dating is haram, full stop.

if you want romance go get married, that is the solution to the ummahs problems not promoting western models of behaviour like dating that have led to such huge levels of haram in western society.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

[^..sTr!vEr..^]

yeah its good...jazakAllah...

[Naira]

very nice
JazakAllahhu kheir for sharing

[MusLiM 4 LiFe]

wow its long.. :-\ i read d first couple o paragraphz.. itz good sis :D

[tresbien]

Regarding the issue of dating in Islam, one must first define what is meant by "dating." If it is understood to mean how a man and a woman get to know each other for the purpose of marriage, then there are certain guidelines and established procedures which can be discussed. However, if it is understood to refer to casual relationships between men and women who for the purpose of "fun" or "going out" and the such, then there is no provision for this in Islam. Such a situation is not considered respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it constructive for the concept or the building of the family or society or social responsibility. Opening the door to relationships of love and infatuation and passion and pre-marital sex is categorically prohibited in Islam. It does not lead to the establishment of a family nor to proper and virtuous upbringing of children nor to stability and mutual care and tranquility and peace of mind between a man and woman. Rather, it leads to disorder, the disgracing of one's honor and dignity, and to a lifestyle similar to that of animals, and to that of illegitimate children who are subjected to life of vagrancy and loss. (Please see question # 61 which addresses the issue of prohibition of pre-marital relationships).

As for the former case, regarding how a man and a woman come to know each other for the purpose of marriage, it varies from circumstance to circumstance. Normally if a man has the desire to marry and has the ability to accept the responsibility, and he does not have anyone in mind, he will ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that may be suitable for him and his expectations among their acquaintances and relatives. If someone is suggested, he normally asks about her extensively, about her religious observance, her personality, her knowledge, strengths, weaknesses, suitability as a wife willing to accept all the relevant responsibities, etc. If preliminary information seems appealing, then normally she is told that there is someone interested in meeting her and she is likewise given relevant information about him.

At this point, assuming the man and the woman as well as both families involved agree that there is potential, then the man usually visits the woman's family, often accompanied by members of his own. They are given the opportunity to see each other and sit and talk together, to converse modestly (but not in complete solitude) regarding whatever is relevant to making an informed judgment. The intention for this meeting should be for them to be able to make a decision whether or not they feel are mutually suitable. Afterwards, they each evaluate their own and their families' reactions, and pray to Allah that He guides them to what is in their best interest, and to make them accept the outcome. When both sides feel comfortable and feel they know everything they need to, based on all that has been mentioned such as asking about the other person, knowing their family, meeting in person, etc., they can make a final decision whether to carry on with marriage or not.

As for your second question regarding the procedure for embracing the religion of Islam, it is actually an extremely simple process, without complication or prolongment. This is because it is something between a person and his Lord and there are no other parties involved. All that is required of a person in order to embrace Islam is that he or she pronounce the two testaments of belief in the Islamic creed, believing in their meaning, then to take a complete bath with the intention of (ritual) purification in order to start performing prayers (note to ensure complete cleanliness one should shave pubic and under-arm hair, and a man should be circumcized if he is not already--Islam places great emphasis on proper hygiene and personal cleanliness).

As for the two testimonies of creed, the first is "ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illa allah" (I testify that there is no deity other then Allah), which means that one believes and confirms that there is nothing to be worshipped other than Allah and that one is prepared to implement His divine rulings and guidlines (shari'a) for all aspects of life. The second is "ash-hadu anna muhammad ar-rasool ullah" which means the belief that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the seal of the prophets (i.e. the final one), whom Allah has sent with the Islamic religion to supercede all other previous religions and that it is obligatory to comply with what he has enjoined, and to abstain and renounce all that he has prohibited and restrained.

I tend to gather from your question that there is a degree of pondering on your part or inclination towards embracing the Islamic religion, joining the example of your friend. I would invite you to carry through with it without excessive delay and reluctance, for one does not know when one's fate will come. So why not meet one's unavoidable fate as a believer in Allah (God) and the Hereafter, a member of the religion of Islam? It is the religion which Allah has specified that He will not accept any other religion besides it, and He will not save anyone from Hell besides its followers. And no doubt that this step will be the greatest thing ever that you will have experienced during your 33 years of life. Surely you will not regret it at all and Allah will help you to surmount the difficulties you perhaps may face in your path after accepting Islam, such as the scorn of some relatives or family members or the alientation of some friends. However, the step in fulfilling your destiny is much more important and significant that all this.

We pray for you to be bestowed with grace, and may Allah guide you to success in what is the most true and right.

Waiting for glad tidings in the near future, may Allah guard and protect you.

[Al_Imaan]

dating is haram, full stop.

if you want romance go get married, that is the solution to the ummahs problems not promoting western models of behaviour like dating that have led to such huge levels of haram in western society.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

:sl:
I agree with you bro. I know muslim sisters who think dating is nothing and that it will only be bad when it gets out of hand...but they don't realize what they're doing
:w:

[Maarya]

dating is haram, full stop.

if you want romance go get married, that is the solution to the ummahs problems not promoting western models of behaviour like dating that have led to such huge levels of haram in western society.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

exactly. . . get married then u can 'date' your husband/wife, if your desperate, that is. . .

[FBI]

exactly. . . get married then u can 'date' your husband/wife, if your desperate, that is. . .

lol huh?

[iqbal_soofi]

exactly. . . get married then u can 'date' your husband/wife, if your desperate, that is. . .

Dating doesn't mean pre-marital sex. This is a misconception. Although I agree that some people get involved in pre-marital sex while dating but you cannot blame dating for that. It's just like blaming all madrisahs for child molestation because of a few religious scholars doing it.

Pre-marital sex is considered bad in all societies. It's only in Islam that it's premarital sex is allowed in some cases. However, this is a seperate topic and I don't know if it's permitted to dicuss this sensitive issure here.

exactly. . . get married then u can 'date' your husband/wife, if your desperate, that is. . .

Your mixing up dating with mating. You do it on purpose or you just don't know the difference?

[Dawud_uk]

Dating doesn't mean pre-marital sex. This is a misconception. Although I agree that some people get involved in pre-marital sex while dating but you cannot blame dating for that. It's just like blaming all madrisahs for child molestation because of a few religious scholars doing it.

Pre-marital sex is considered bad in all societies. It's only in Islam that it's premarital sex is allowed in some cases. However, this is a seperate topic and I don't know if it's permitted to dicuss this sensitive issure here.



Your mixing up dating with mating. You do it on purpose or you just don't know the difference?

what are you talking about? pre marital sex allowed in some cases?
if you are referring to mutah marriage, then it is haram, and it is a forbidden form of marriage not dating. if you are referring to slaves then yes that is a different discussion.

look it is haram to be alone with a non marham women, it is haram to touch a non mahram women, its haram to even talk to a non mahram women without the persmission of her mahram relative and only then for permissable islamic reasons where do you get off saying dating is allowed?

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

[faizacadday]

thanks for the thread it was a great post to read, i especially liked the part about not gazing into the opposite sex and how it makes things alot easier. Allah has plans for all of us and we should be patient. thanks for the great post

[mansaf]

I do not believe in the perfect one, the soul mate, or the chosen one. It is human nature that any man and woman can establish intimacy, admiration, and love between them as long as they both believe in the message of Allah almighty, Islam. Their share of Islam is most strongest and everlasting than any other type of attraction.

[Um_ahmad]

It makes sense to me.

[Jibril]

Assalamu alaikum,

Let me tell you all a little story about how dangerous dating is. Brothers and sisters dating is I think the greatest temptation a young man or young woman can face. And as the brother said in the OP, it starts casually and then leads you to haram before you know what hit you. Let me tell you a little story about me.

First let me tell you that I am an observant Muslim who prays. A few years ago when I was in college I started studying with this one sister at the library that I knew from the msa, she was a couple of years younger than I. Anyway we always used to talk and have all kinds of conversations. Sooner or later all this talking evolved into a friendship and I used to walk her home at night. A little after this it evolved into me giving her my number some how and she would call me asking for advice on something or another. This evolved into us talking on the phone just for the hell of it having conversations for 3 to 4 hours sometimes. At this point I was seeing her everyday, talking to her on the phone every night for hours. Rule of thumb: When a young man and woman talk on the phone for hours at a time,....the conversation is bound to become very sexually suggestive. :D Obviously this makes the transition to the next level only easier.

One day when I walked her home she gave me a hug. Before we knew it we were making out. The next night we made out again and when even further,..I'm not gonna give you any details. But lets say that we did a lot of haram astaghfarallah.

Brothers and sisters believe me I'm the last person this could have happened to. But the temptation is just sooooo overpowering I couldn't even control it and it just totally blindsided me. I never had any problems before with the tenets of Islam. I never wanted to drink, smoke, I never wanted to go clubbin. But women is a different story I think its the achilles heel of many good brothers.

Therefore, when the ulema say don't date,..there is a reason!!! Dating will lead you into zina before you can blink!!! And don't think you can control it, you can't. Putting a young man and woman together and not expecting something to happen is like putting a match to gasoline and not expecting a fire.

[jzcasejz]

^^ MashaAllah Well Explained Bro!!!
May Allah Guide Us All InshaAllah...

btw...welcome 2 da forumz bro...maybe u wud like to introduce urself in the introduce section..hope u enjoy ur stay :D look forward to seein ur posts :D

[Pk_#2]

*Ahem* Don't display your past sins :)

May God guide us Ameen

Ameen to previous duas also :D

[Jibril]

Yeah well this is an anonymous site so nobody knows me. And Jibril isn't my name. We shouldn't make our sins known, but my sins aren't known since nobody here knows me!!

[Pk_#2]

:giggling: Ok bro, wah ever you say!

[IbnAbdulHakim]

whoah sis, subhanAllaah nice reminder

jazakAllaah khair!!

[------]

:salamext:

Deep stuff yo. Jazaak Allaah Khayr