What should I tell my parents?

[Umm Safiya]

As-salâmu 'alaykum wa rahmatullâhi wa barakâtuh

Next friday, me and my hubby are visiting my parents.. Both my grandparents are gonna be there too.. My parents agreed to not serving alcohol, and that's prolly gonna 'cause a bit of trouble for my dads parents, because they drink very often.. It's like its their hobby..

Well, my mom called yesterday and she was like, she feels that her and my dad have been very tolerant towards me and my beliefs, and they are always compromising their way of life, so we can spend time together..
Actually I don't really know what in they daily life, they have changed, because the only thing I've ever asked them about is alcohol.. But she feels that her being seen with me outside is a very big thing, becaue she is definitly not proud of it.. :p
Anyhow, she asked me if it only were them, who had to change? Why couldn't we find a middle way? Why couldn't I just accept that my family drink, 'cause it was not like they made me do it?
So I told her, that it wasn't permissible for us, to sit with people who drink.. And the things that isn't permissible for us, we wouldn't compromise about these things.. So she asked me, if my religion ment more to me than my parents and if they wouldn't agree to our terms, then we wouldn't see them anymore? So I was like, errr, well.. I didn't really know what to say, because of course I want to have contact with my family, but Islâm means more to me..

I don't really know what I'm asking.. I just have no idea what to tell them and how to make them understand, that Islâm is no. 1 in all aspects..? Any advice, ideas, anything?

[lolwatever]

salams sis

perhaps explain to her the reasons behind banning of alchohol... show her that Islam is a practical religion that wants the best for society socially, spiritually and individiually.

That will make her more understanding inshalah...

all the best!

salams

ps: check the post after this... she gave really good (more relevent prob) advise mash

[Malaikah]

:sl:

^I don't think she was asking so much about the alcohol, was she?:?

Anyway sis, perhaps if you just explain to her the reality of what you believe, such as:

look mum, as a Muslim I believe there is only one God worthy of worship, and He is Allah. He created us so that we can worship Him, and obey Him. After we die, we will be raised again, those who obeyed Him will go to paradise and those who didn't will go to hell. Allah demands of me that I respect my parents and treat them with kindness, and obey them, but I can not obey you in matter that mean disobeying God, because God is greater than anyone and anything else. There is no obedience to the creations that is disobedience to the creator. If I try to please you at the expense of displeasing Allah, then I run the risk of being thrown into the fire of hell. That is a risk I am not willing to take. And how can you ask me to conform to your standards when your standards will lead me to hell fire? How can you want hellfire for your daughter?

Well, something like that anyway... I guess you get the message.:hiding:

I ask Allah to make you strong in this.:)

[Snowflake]

^cool idea! hope it has effect.

Also how about suggesting to your parents that they visit at your home your instead? Express your wishes to stay in their life and stress the importance of your beliefs. It's funny though that your mom asked you if your faith is more important than them when she has made it clear that not being able to serve alcohol on your visits is more important than your happiness.

Try to reach middle ground and avoid conflict inshaAllah.

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[Umm Safiya]

:sl:

Jazâkumullâhu khayran..

Can't really invite them here, 'cause I have to walk around with niqâb most of the time, because we live with my in-laws and there is 4 brothers and 1 uncle living here.. So that wouldn't work..

Thanks for your suggestions, I'll try to think of something.. Bârak Allâhu fîkum..

[Umar001]

I think you maybe it should be explained who your are putting before who.

You see, she probably understands the whole concept of religion, the whole concept of God comes first, she might understand it.

I think the key is sympathy, what I mean is, us as mankind have been granted knowledge, and the ability of putting ourselves in other's shoes. Your Umm Something, so let me break it down this way, imagine 'Something' after you had given birth to it and looked after it then turned around and seemingly left you for someone else as a parental figure, you'd be annoyed, you'd too ask 'Is this parental figure worth more to you than I am?' we can understand this sort of motherly jelousy I guess.

If you sat down and maybe told her that you are doing what you feel is best, and ask her, 'If you had a biological mother and a foster mother, the biological one is your blood, but the foster one is the one who sweated and worked hard to raise you, who would you love more' Most people will say the one who was there, and raised them, tell her then, 'Similarly, your my blood mother, I love you so much, you have been there for me, but there has been someone who has been there for me more than you, someone who has given me more than you, someone who I believe has in fact given me YOU, it is only logical that I love that Being more than I love you Mom, and I except the same from you, to love Him more than you love me, since He gave you ME' Ask her question, tell her, what would she do if she was in your position, ask her 'Mom, let's say that you believed in God and that Islam was the right religion would you not follow it fully?' remind her 'I am not askin if you believe that is true, but I am trying help you see my mind state'.

Anyhow, that's why I believe putting someone in your shoes is the key in such situations, since most people understand the concept of God, but never put themselves in the shoes of their children and what they are going through in that way.

Eesa. :)

[Woodrow]

The first reaction parents have when a child changes religious beliefs is, they feel they have failed as parents. The the next thing they do is use all means possible to bring the child back to the "true" belief. This will consist of threats, remorse, attempts to instill feelings of guilt, lectures etc. This will continue until the parent comes to an understanding that this is truly the child's choice, it is a choice made with knowledge and not rebellion.

Your parent's are still in the unacceptance stage. It will take time. All you can do is to don't worry about the actions of your parents. Love them and honor them, but do not falter in pracitising your beliefs. Above all live as a Muslim. In time your parents will see that you are sincere and they will come to respect your beliefs even if they never agree with them.

[Latey]

Maybe you could tell your parents that it is the same thing as if you were allergic to smoke - then it would be accepted to ask of the visitors to avoid smoking because of your health.
That is accepted all over - and can be compared to your religions "allergi" towards alcohol.
No mother would allowe smoke near her astma/allergic child - even if it was family and near/dear friends !
What if you were allergic to perfume ? would she/they then not say to the visitors that they should avoid perfume that day ? I don't think so - if that were the problem, she would ban perfume near you.

['Abd al-Baari]

Salams

maybe you should try to explain to your mother what islam means for you and how it plays such an important role in your life, remember that at the end of the day she is your mother and islamicaly she deserves a lot of respect from you.
hope everything goes well for you sister
Allah knows best

[Dawud_uk]

Assalaamu Alaykum,

I agree with Brother Eesa, explain to them about Islam being a total way of life, it is not a pick and choose thing where you can take the bits you like and change the rules when they become a little difficult.

If they understood this idea then they would not quibble over the little rules so much as you can always then bring it back to the idea that if they understood Tawhid then they would want to obey Allah and in doing so they wouldn’t disagree. Though of-course say oneness of God.

I also think there is always a point in a reverts life where their parents challenge them like this, it happened all the time to the Sahabah, it happens to us all when we revert and also many cultural Muslims when they start to practice – their parents will challenge them and try to force them to choose between Allah and them and of-course there is no contest.

Once you get past this I would hope they will treat you better but if you explain to them that you love them, that you want to be with them but you cannot go against the commands of Allah and his messenger saws and that if they love you and want to meet with you then they have to meet on those terms because yes Islam is more important to you than them as much as you love them.

Assalaamu Alaykum,
Abu Abdullah