format_quote Originally Posted by
mariam.
:statisfie
جزاك الله خيرا في الدنيا و الآخرة و جمعني و إياك في جنته و تحت ظله يوم لا ظل إلا ظله
السلام عليكم
Wa Iyyaki Ya Ukhti wa Aameen 3ala Du3aa'ik :)
(Continuation)
---Missing part inserted---
On this particular night I had intended to dine with them and then return quickly to my boyfriend as I had already promised him the “Night of his Life” and had requested him to prepare everything to be ready for my return.
We sat down to eat and they spoke to me about Lebanon and about how important it was for me to learn to speak the Arabic language and to follow the news of happenings back home. I was not paying attention to them and just kept a smile plastered to my face. They then switched on the television and tuned into the Lebanese channel, and as comedy shows and documentaries were shown on the T.V. I just sat there keeping in my rising anger and wishing that the hands of time would go by faster.
The T.V. programs were being shown on the screen in front of me and I was watching it without seeing and listening without paying attention when all of a sudden the silence of everyone around me gripped me and caused me to turn around and pay attention to the program which silenced them.
It was a young man on the screen. I turned to the lady besides me and asked her about who he was, and she replied by saying “He is the daa’ee Umar Khaalid and he is talking about Deen”
It occurred to me to immediately leave that place! I do not have anything to do with religion, and what religious thing is this he is talking about? I wanted to leave this dull gathering immediately.
But the English translation for the words which were being spoken by this man caught hold of my attention. The Man was talking about chasteness and modesty.
Modesty? What is that word? It was a new and strange word to me! Rarely had it ever fallen upon my ears.
I began to gather my clothes closely to my body, I felt as though I was naked and that this man on the screen was watching me.
My breath began coming in quick gasps and my heartbeat quickened.
Modesty was a word which I had rarely heard about before, but it was such a beautiful word! It means clean...Pure…innocent and I was neither one of those! I was not modest, No, I was filthy, and I was disgusting.
I turned my head away and tried to get up from that place and run away but something kept me from rising from my seat, something held me back and made me listen until the end.
I then began to cry and cry and cry,. My sobs became louder and louder so much that I did not recognize my own voice, and I became oblivious to everything and everyone around me. I was filthy! I was a sinner! A piece of filth without guidance, without any religion, without any identitiy!. My body was a degraded object without any trace of modesty or honor! Because of this I will burn in the fire,... my beauty will be of no help to me then, nor will it be a cause of my acceptance by Allah!
O Allah! Why had I not been given a taste of this word before? A word with such vast meaning, a word with such force when uttered and heard, a word with such strong impact upon the heart!
I was not aware of how I was able to reach my home, nor was I aware of whoever was there, the only thing which I recall doing was sitting in front of the computer. I had remembered the website of the daa’ee and so I entered it and began trying to read the contents of the website but the words were incomprehensible to me.
So then I wrote to him, and it was the first letter in all my lifetime in which I had written asking about Allah, about my religion, about my lord, about my life! And with deep feeling of shame I asked whether it was still possible for Allah to accept me, whether it was still possible for me to be a Muslimah?….
I was sure that he would not reply to me because I had only explained to him briefly about my situation. I even said to myself “ Most likely he will scorn me and ignore me……even if he did bother to reply my email it would only be something like : 'please do not write to us again.'”
However he replied back to me and even more! He told me that of course! It was definitely possible that Allah will accept me, in fact, I may even be successful and granted Paradise. He told me that I most certainly can become a pure and chaste Muslimah. Furthermore, he told me that these were not only his words, but they were the words of Allah in the Qur’an, it’s meaning being : “ Do not despair and do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah”
At this I began to cry, my tears were the outpouring of my great grief and regret and repentance. I felt as if I only wanted to cry until my tears washed me clean….until I were to hear a caller from the heavens calling down to me “You have been accepted”.
I then called the number which was given to me, and for the very first time in my life I heard someone addressing me with “ Assalamu’aliakum”. Such a wonderful greeting! I did not even know this much from my religion! Such goodness and good ways were unknown to me!
I spoke to the lady and told her “ Your husband made me realize that I was a very important person, and that you two were waiting eagerly to speak with me, regardless of what you know of my past”
She sent to me some Qur’anic recitation tapes and I listened to them over and over again, with the voice of the recitor piercing thru the innermost depths of my soul.
I began memorizing Qur’an for the first time in my life. I memorized surah An-Naba’ along with al-Faatiha so that it may be possible for me to perform my prayers with them. I began praying and praying…it was as if I was trying to make up for all of those years which had passed, whilst at the same time storing them up for the days which I might never reach.
How did my family keep me from all of this?? How was it that they also did not know of the beauty of these moments of sujood between the hands of the Creator??
It isnt’ possible for me to describe the looks and expressons on my fellow classmates at the university when I enetered the classroom that day covered with a large hijaab and wearing loose garments.
None of them recognized me at first, but as they began to crowd around me, I looked into their faces as if seeing them for the first time and I began to marvel at what I saw. Who were these people? How could it be that I used to live with them and be like them? Their eyes were glassy and empty, their faces were an array of emotions, most of it being anger.
I began memorizing Surah Yusuf….The Surah of the Prophet who was chaste…My tears blinded me as I read the verses. The mistress of the house called him unto her and even threatened him with destruction, but this Prophet favored prison over sins and deceit!
O My Lord! I wish that you may return to me those years of my life which have passed, and that you may give me the opportunity to serve this religion of yours and to raise your word up high!.....but wishes will remain wishes.
Here I am today, on a Thursday, in the masjid performing my prayers and making du’a, for tomorrow I will be in the hands of the brain surgeon to undergo an operation to remove a cancerous growth from my head.
My Lord! Verily You are the most beloved to me. I was far, far away from You, I did not know of You, nor was I aware of my destructive state, nor of how distant I was from You.
But when I knew of You, You see how I did not turn towards anyone besides You! I did not ask from anyone but You, and I did not desire anything from this Dunya other than letting those around me know of You Ya Allah.
How I wish that everyone may know of this sweetness of being near to Allah!
Throughout my life I have known and tried every type of worldly pleasure which people seek after so valiantly. But now I know that they are merely temptations from the Devil for us to commit sins.
O My Lord! Please accept me….will you accept me to be amongst those whom You love from Your servants? Will I be able to reach that day when You will be pleased with me and look upon me?
I am the one who has forgotten You for most of her life, and has only turned towards You for a mere few days….
O My Lord! How is it that before now, all of this peace and tranquility was kept away from me?!
O My Lord! I wish that I may have plenty whith which to spend in your path, but I have nothing from my possession which are of Halal means except for my collection of Qur’anic tapes and a collection of Hadeeth so please accept them from me Ya Rabb.
O My Lord, If you are going to take my sould from me, then take it whilst you are pleased with me, and if you allow me to live, then help me in my service to your religion.....and I ask all of you for your Du'a.
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I ask Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala to accept our sister Saarah with His vast Mercy for she has passed away after living in Riyaadh for only 3 weeks. She left behind all of this which were dear to her in order to seek Allahs pleasure.
And as for us...it is not only a few days by which we have known Allah, but we still stand stubbornly in pursue of our desires without any interest in turning towards Allah and showing our gratefullness towards He who has blessed us with Islam for Years.....