Need support and advice

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
I am in a situation and I thought I would post here and see if someone could help me out...If not I think it also just helps to talk about some things...I have been married now for almost three years...My husband and I have had problems understanding each other from the start...I try to understand him but I feel as if he does not want to make the effort...He likes to show his affection alot but otherwise if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....i have tried to ignore this and alot of other things but now it's starting to really bother me...If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...she lives in another city and we live in another one...my mom was upset...i got to know about this and was really mad at her...but i did not say nething just held back a little by talking to her less than before...so she knew i knew....then i had a huge fight with my husband...i usually don't tell him nething but about this i did as i felt it was wrong of her to do this...when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother which hurt him i know....but i said sorry as i had been extremely angry...but he went and told his mother behind my back and lied to me that he had not told her...I feel like I can never trust him as this always happens...Its just a very tough situation and I have left everything upto Allah...Inshallah He will help me and whatever is best for me will come out of this situation...I need all the prayers...So please remember me in your dua's...

I'm sorry this post is long but i have left out all the details and the latest developments...I just need all the support i can get...I'm so far away from my family and I just miss them very much....I'll wait for the replies...Jazakallah!!

[vpb]

sis, if I were you, and if I didn't have kids with him then I would divorce him.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

sis, if I were you, and if I didn't have kids with him then I would divorce him.

audhubillah, have you met the husband or the mother?

please let us properly assess the situation before saying something so grave.


sis i think this is something you should sit down and talk about inshaALlah. Get a family member involved or something inshaAllah.

i wish you the best.

:wasalamex

[Snowflake]

It's very immature on your husband's part to share things between him and to with his mother - and especially the things you said about her in anger.

It's also highly unfair that your mom-in-law is thinking about her son's loneliness and ignoring your desire to visit your parents. How would she feel if your parents stopped your husband from visiting her?

Honestly sister, your marriage seems unstable and you have to stand up and tell them that you have rights too - like visiting your parents. You're husband married you, not purchase you like a slave.

You need to tell him that it's not good to share personal matters with his mother and he should tell you if he is unhappy so that you can try to resolve it. I don't understand why he doesn't see that his behavior only puts distance between you both.

As for visiting your parents, make the plan and go ahead with it. This is your right and if you give in to their wishes, they'll only oppress you more. If you don't go for their happiness, even then they'll find another reason to begrudge you. People like that are never satisfied and it's not worth the sacrifice.

But do be sincere in trying to show your husband the error of his ways. If down the line you feel he isn't making an effort then you have to seriously think about whether this marriage is for you or not.

Meanwhile, how about apologising to your mum-in-law and telling her you'd really like to visit your parents. I hope she isn't cruel enough to refuse and that your apology arouses some compassion in her heart.

But like I said, if she refuses......... just go ahead with it anyway. Your parents have much right to see their daughter as she has to see her son.

Good luck!

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[HIJABI***]

audhubillah, have you met the husband or the mother?

please let us properly assess the situation before saying something so grave.


sis i think this is something you should sit down and talk about inshaALlah. Get a family member involved or something inshaAllah.

i wish you the best.

:wasalamex

yeh i totally agree with brother IbnAbdulHakin

[vpb]

audhubillah, have you met the husband or the mother?

please let us properly assess the situation before saying something so grave.

I didn't say anything about them cuz i dont know them, i just gave my opinion what I would do. cuz these things happen a lot a lot in my country and i haven't seen anything that has been solved regarding this problem. i'm just speaking what i've seen. but again i'm saying i dont know the sister or her husband or her mother in law. I just gave my opinion on the problem in esence.

and forgive me if I offended anyone :(

[HIJABI***]

I didn't say anything about them cuz i dont know them, i just gave my opinion what I would do. cuz these things happen a lot a lot in my country and i haven't seen anything that has been solved regarding this problem. i'm just speaking what i've seen. but again i'm saying i dont know the sister or her husband or her mother in law. I just gave my opinion on the problem in esence.

and forgive me if I offended anyone :(

lol brother im sure u didnt offend any1 i know wht ur saying is also understandable!!:happy:

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I didn't say anything about them cuz i dont know them, i just gave my opinion what I would do. cuz these things happen a lot a lot in my country and i haven't seen anything that has been solved regarding this problem. i'm just speaking what i've seen. but again i'm saying i dont know the sister or her husband or her mother in law. I just gave my opinion on the problem in esence.

and forgive me if I offended anyone :(

lol im sorry bhai :), i didnt mean any offence myself its just "divorce" should be seen as a last resort you know, after all other measures are exhausted. i know ur intentions were good :)

[vpb]

:(:(:(

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:(:(:(

im sry brooo!!!!! :muddlehea

[vpb]

it'ok , i'll make dua for you inshaAllah :)

[IbnAbdulHakim]

it'ok , i'll make dua for you inshaAllah :)

Allahu Akbar :D :D

[AnonymousPoster]

Jazakallah everyone for responding...I have tried to make my husband understand time and time again about the situation we are in...I have tried to explain what the relationship of husband and wife is as far as i know...he doesn't try to understand...his mom just comes in between everything...After he told her and everything she confronted me about the whole situation and she kept saying that I was wrong and I had said bad things and what she had done was in sincerity...so in the end she says lets forget everything and forgive....Its really hard to do that but I was trying...like call her everyday and talk to her for a while and all....neways what happened last week was i called her and she was busy so she said she would call me back...so i was like ok...i was a little relieved that i didn't have to talk to her....she called me later and i was on the other phone with a friend and didn't pick up her phone....she called me in the evening andi picked up and i was on the phone with another friend so i told her i'd call her back...a while later i did and she was mad at me and started saying you don't have to call me if your'e busy and just don't call me...etc. etc. i didn't say nething just asked about here and there and then said if ure busy we'll talk later....she said its upto u...so i said Allah Hafiz...I was really upset that here I am trying to make this situation better and this is what happens....So now i don't call her...if she calls and I pick up the phone she just asks for her son....so they talk....the other day he tells her that I think that u and and my wife are having problems...they talk on the seakerphone so i can hear....and she was like i'm not upset with neone...but someone is trying to blow me off and not being honest then i know (I had told her that i had been outside and not heard the phone ring which i know is wrong but i only wanted to avoid the situation from getting worse)...and i never said anything agains t neone...and she's like did she nething to u...did she did she....he said no... coz i haven't.....and she's like u sound upset...u can tell me whatever it is...u are my son...tell me tell me....newyas that was the conversation...so the thing is that i know if i say nething to him right now it will just get worse as he will tell her....i have discussed this situation with alot of my friends and they all feel that it's not normal...but i still want to make my marriage work....but i cannot leave my parents....i love and miss them so much....they had promised me when i first came that they would let me go and visit after one year...my husband's job was unstable so i didn't go....now it's a little settled and they still don't want me to go....my husband was saying yes u can go before but he usually changes his statement when the time comes....(my sis had come to canada last year and she did not have US visa so she could not come to visit me so i wanted to go, initially my husband said u can go and when the time came he's like don't as my job is new and i want someone here and i didn't go...my only sister and i haven't seen her for 3 years)...i just don't know what to do....

we don't have any kids and that bothers my in laws too...they say that if i have kids it will be for my good...and i should go to doctors and do this and that....my mom in law says that it won't help her in any way it will just be good for my marriage and my husband will become mature as soon as i have kids...but i'm not so sure...but I leave that also in Allah's hands....

someone said something about divorce....it does come into my mind but i don't want to take such a big decision right now...I have left everything upto Allah and I ask Him to guide me...if there is anyone here who can ask this masla from an Islamic scholar and what should be done from an Islamic point of view i would really appreciate it....Jazakallah again for all the support...it means alot....
:w:

[vpb]

yep, the best choice is to talk to a real islamic scholar and see what he says.

[Snowflake]

ahh gosh sis, I really feel for you darling. The scholar idea is good.. see what he says about the whole thing and we're here for you too inshaAllah. Let us know how things go. :)

[Maidah]

Sis i can understand your situation, i've heard and seen it happening. One thing i would like to say is that when a women gets married into a extended family she is to be considered as the daughter of the house. Even though the in-laws are you elders and respectable, your foremost reason in that house is your husband, but if he fails to give you that place and respect in the house i don't relly see the difference between any other person and a wife. I'm not saying divorce is a good idea, but sis if you don't have any kids with him, then you should make a decision before any children gets involved. If this was an arranged marriage i think you should involve your parents into it as well, and don't be afraid of the consequenses.

You are not a servent there and you have a right as his wife over the house and everything he owns. And remember everything happens for a reason only known by Allah, we may not see the outcome of it there and then but in the long term it may be beneficial for you. Allah knows the best for you and so will he do. InshAllah.

Wassalam

[Talha777]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

I really advise against divorce as this should only be resorted to in the most extreme of cases. For us Muslims, one divorce is one too many. Jazak Allah khair.

[chris4336]

But this man is clearly not following Islamic guidance in a marriage. Sister, please know that you deserve better than this!!! Divorce is not liked in Islam, but neither is treating your wife poorly!!!

[AnonymousPoster]

Well that's how i have been feeling...i feel like a maid most of the time as he wants everything done from me and then when he needs to talk to someone he calls his mom....i don't have a problem with him talking to her...she is his mother after all....but i do have a problem with him not talking to me....well neways i talked abt me and my husband having a big fight in my first post....i wanted to clarify what happened so that it will become easier to understand why i said bad things abt his mom(pls understand that i have not said bad things abt her before) my uncle and aunt's flight was going via our city and was delayed so my cousin asked me to go pick them up...so i told my husband abt it and initially he said ok...then he goes why don't u go pick them u urself as i'm really tired...he was laready back from work....i had given him his dinner and all and he was just relaxing at the time....so i got upset as it seemed to me as if he did not want them to come and stay with us...then after a while he says that y can't they stay somewhere else...we don't have space....(we have a small one bedroom aptmt) so i said u know it's not that big of a deal they can sleep newhere we can give them our bedroom and sleep on the sofa...and he was like no they can stay in a hotel or at their son's in laws (who live in the same city)...so i started getting really mad....i was crying and cleaning the house and he did not come to help me...after a while he realised i was crying so he comes and says ok i'll go with u and y are u crying etc....so then i just lost it and started yelling at him saying things like i'm uncomfortble when ure mom comes visit i never say nething to her...i don't like it when she is here and i hate her...she criticizes me all the time but i still stay quiet and ppl are always having their relatives over to stay....so after my ranting i got ready and asked him to come with me...he just became quiet and would not talk to me at all nad said he was mad and to just leave....so i left and called him after like 20 mins and apologized...and i asked him if he had told his mom...he said no...while on the way she called me but i did not pick up as i was driving...i got my uncle and aunt brought them home...when we arrived he had locked the door from inside...he came and opened it and then went staright to the room and got back into bed...without saying salaam to them...i went and asked him to atleast come and say salaam so he's like i'm wearing shorts so i gave him clothes and all and came outside where my aunt was still standing....they also felt that he did not want them there...neways after that he came sat with them for a while...i just told them that he wasn't feeling well...what else was i supposed to do....

i will post again soon what happened the next day after my uncle aunt had left...i'm sorry ppl for putting down such long posts bust just putting all this in words makes me feel better and this way i will remmber exactly what happened...not that i'm going to forget....but please remember me in your prayers....May Allah do what is best for everyone....

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
its been quite a while when i started this thread....things were quiet in the middle...i wasn't talking very much to my mom in law so things were quiet...but everyday my husband would say u had a fight with her and try to make things i don't better or worse by saying that to me and to his mom and then she would say things indirectly to me...this went on for about a week...i dreaded my husband's talks with his mom coz he used to say these things and involve me in it as well....and finally things erupted...

mom in law wanted to discuss with me...she talks i listen and cry...she said that i have said horrible things about her to my husband and that my family has been trying to break my home and she has been so good to me and i have trashed her and her family for my family....she threatened me that if i say nething against my husband's family he will leave me in a second...she said that my hubby's sis loves him so much that she can even kill someone for him...and she said that my family is pumping me against all of them and making me against them...she forbids me to go and see my family and then expects me to still love her....

when i listened to all this and cried and complained to my husband, the next day he comes and says to me i think u should pack up and leave and go to ure parents in pakistan and stay there indefinitely until we mke a decision...and we have to tell my mom abt this as she will get mad if u leave without telling her...i said i want to involve my family members too as they are not aware of nething...so i need to think a bit....two days later he asks his mom to let me go to pakistan and she says she has never stopped me from going and was just bring sincere as it would be good for me to stay with my husband and have a baby....and she wanted to discuss all this with me....i said no i still want to think...the next day he tells her that he had asked me to leave and she called me up and just starts with everything that ure life will be destroyed and that girls from good families don't go and get divorces and we have all been so good to u and ure sister is horrible and she has tried to destroy ure home and ure marriage(i talk to my sis like twice a month and she doesn't even know much abt all this) and that ure mom has also tried to do this and i have done so much for u and loved u like my own kids and u trashed me for all ure family..well neways she says u better talk to me properly and listen to me otherwise when ure hubby comes home he will fight and ure life will be destroyed and then don't call her to make my life better again....

anyways the call finished....all throughout the call she had my husband on the other phone listening and did not tell me till halfway through....i feel so horrible now and i don't know what to do...i feel like i'm going crazy....people are telling me to get a divorce and i think that is what it will end up in but i'm so confused and i don't know what to do....:cry:

all that i have read about divorce everywhere it says it should only be done in dire circumstances...i am unhappy and i feel that my husband will not change and i really don't know what to do...i don't want to take a decision whcih Allah will not be happy with!!!please just give feed back...it helps to know that ppl care enough to reply!!!

i'm sorry this is so long and i probably don't make sense but please just reply and it might make me feel better....

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
i am starting to get really depressed...i don't know what to do...i can't eat properly and am starting to really feel awful...my inlaws are acting as if nothing happened and everything is just perfect but i feel weak and awful...i know that inshallah Allah (swt) will help me but i just feel awful so far from my family and alone...help me!!! :cry:

[Snowflake]

she threatened me that if i say nething against my husband's family he will leave me in a second...she said that my hubby's sis loves him so much that she can even kill someone for him...

That's is just so sick! If everything you said is true and you have not given them any reason to treat you like this, then all I'll say is that they don't deserve you as a daughter-in-law.

when i listened to all this and cried and complained to my husband, the next day he comes and says to me i think u should pack up and leave and go to ure parents in pakistan and stay there indefinitely until we mke a decision...

he wants to make a decision to keep you or not, does he? Well do him a favour and make the decision for him. Tell him you want out.

all that i have read about divorce everywhere it says it should only be done in dire circumstances...

Can it get much more dire? Like his sister killing/hurting you for him? I don't know how you haven't gone crazy. If I was in your shoes I'd have shown this family stars in broad day light! Spare your sanity and get out of this marriage. I can tell people like that rarely change.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Thankyou Muslimah Sis...I have been going crazy lately and now they have started to act as if nothing happened and everything is so normal...i have tried to be as honest as possible here and if i have made mistakes then i do apologize...and may Allah(swt) forgive me....you are right about the fact that the things she said are absoutely ridiculous and even if they are not going to act on it she should realize what she is saying will be perceived as such...but i am so confused at this point...i will inshallah do istikhara and inshallah Allah(swt) will guide me as to what will be the right decision for me...i have talked to so many people and the way they put it they blame me for everything...and then i start to feel like as if its all my fault...eve though i know it can never be all my fault if u know what i mean...it goes both ways...if only my husband could just talk to me things could be so much better...i think there would be no problem at all...the only thing is tht he involves his mom and then she gets upset that i'm upsetting him when in reality i just want to discuss things with him...please pray for me everyone...i need all the prayers and i don't want to get sick and depressed which is what i have been feeling lately and its not healthy for me....please just remember me in your duas!!!!:cry:
:w:

[Snowflake]

:sl:
Thankyou Muslimah Sis...I have been going crazy lately and now they have started to act as if nothing happened and everything is so normal...i have tried to be as honest as possible here and if i have made mistakes then i do apologize...and may Allah(swt) forgive me....you are right about the fact that the things she said are absoutely ridiculous and even if they are not going to act on it she should realize what she is saying will be perceived as such...but i am so confused at this point...i will inshallah do istikhara and inshallah Allah(swt) will guide me as to what will be the right decision for me...i have talked to so many people and the way they put it they blame me for everything...and then i start to feel like as if its all my fault...eve though i know it can never be all my fault if u know what i mean...it goes both ways...if only my husband could just talk to me things could be so much better...i think there would be no problem at all...the only thing is tht he involves his mom and then she gets upset that i'm upsetting him when in reality i just want to discuss things with him...please pray for me everyone...i need all the prayers and i don't want to get sick and depressed which is what i have been feeling lately and its not healthy for me....please just remember me in your duas!!!!:cry:
:w:

The problem lies not so much with your mom-in-law but with your husband. He doesn't seem to realise the importance of discussing things with you and it seems he doesn't even want to. And to be fair he probably doesn't even know how to. I got really vexed reading your last post but am calmer now lol.

So what I'm saying is that everyone goes into marriage dreaming of happiness and bliss....... but when things go wrong, which they sometimes do, some people just don't know how to handle them. Then as far as they're concerned the easiest way to deal with it to not deal with it, i.e. not talking about it.

I'm a bit confused from your last two posts. You said that people are telling you to get divorced. Then above you said people tell you it's your fault? Plz, explain sis. I don't wanna say anything without clearing that up first. I'll be waiting for your reply inshaAllah.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
I think what i meant to say was that my friends and family are telling me to make a decision...well not right away but to really think about whether i can live with this kind of treatment and whether i feel that my inlaws will change...on the other hand, I get blamed for everything from my inlaws side...like the way they talk about everything it seems that i am the reason that everything is going wrong....and i do start feeling like that sometimes....other times i feel like i am overreacting and maybe i shouldn't and its not that big of a deal...but i don't know what to expect from them anymore...i just feel very confused...

as to what u said in your last post that alot of people go into marriage and don't want to deal with things...i can understand that...but it is going to be almost three years since i have been married(we were apart in the middle for a while due to visa reasons) but u can say that we have been together for 2 years...so it should change a bit don't u think? i don't know how to deal with all this anymore...

[deen_2007]

salam sister. i am so sorry to hear all this. may Allah make things better for you. Sis_Muslima has been giving you the best advice.

sister, may i ask: what country do you live in?

wasalam

[AnonymousPoster]

just to clarify one more thing...i wrote in my previous post that my friends and family are pushing me to make a decision...not my family...friends that i have here and just counsellors that i have talked to in general....my parents and siblings don't know all that is going on here....my friends are pushing me to atleast tell my parents of what is going on here...

in reply to the previous post i'm in the United States....

[ummAbdillah]

salaam,
my advice to you sis is to just be patient,
remember that allah allah is alrahman so make duaa to
him inshallah allah will improve you situation, :)

[Grace Seeker]

I have many thoughts I would like to share with you, but at the moment have the time to only share one.

I do not know all the elements of an Islamic marriage, but I thought you might be interested in one part of a typical Christian wedding ceremony. There is a line in it which many people think is old fashioned and often leave out -- "If any one has just cause why this marriage should not take place, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

It was created years ago to keep men who were travelling from having a wife in every town they went to, thus a person was to speak up if the knew the person was already married and about to commit bigamy. And many couples don't want the interruption that might be caused if a jealous "ex" was to crash the wedding. But, I usually council slightly differently when I have a party that considers leaving the line in. At the rehearsal for the wedding the day before, I turn to all of the family who has usually gathered for it, and tell them that if they really have anything against the marriage that the time to say it is before, not after the wedding. That after the wedding the chief repsonsibility and family connection for husband and wife is for one antoher. That from then on their families of origin need to take second place, and any comments that they have, no matter how they personally feel, need to be supportive of the couple. If they can't do that, then they should say so now. And if the couple goes ahead anyway, then they need to learn to respect that as well. For better or worse, it is the couples' decision to make, and the family's responsibility to always build them up.

Obviously, your mother-in-law never got the memo, I'm not even sure your husband did. Trying to correct this after the fact is hard. For that, my guess is that you are going to need some obective third party who can mediate a long-term conversation between the two of you, and who can tell mom-in-law to stay out.

I wish you luck.

[Muslim Woman]

I seek refuge in Allah (The One God) from the Satan (devil) the cursed, the rejected

With the name of ALLAH (swt) -The Bestower Of Unlimited Mercy, The Continously Merciful


Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh (May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you)

&&

:sl:
.... if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....

sis , there is nothing wrong if he talks to mom . A mom has a lot of rights over son........remember her pain when ur husband came in to this world . U were not there , it was his mom who went through all the pain.


Just because a son is adult & married , it does not mean that a mom has lost her right. Think like that , when u will be blessed with son , u will have so many dreams about him , and ur son gets married & stay away from u , don't discuss anything with u , will it be fair ???????

If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...

----oh sis , do u have a bro ? If he complains that ur sis -in-law is giving him trouble , won't u talk to her ?


Normally elder people love to give lecture .........try to listen to them , don't protest ......it make them very happy :statisfie :) . It's not possible for us to re-pay mom/mom-in-law for what they sacrifised for us & our dear ones. If listening lectures can make them happy , we must show our pateince .And remember , there is minimum 2 rewards from God for each good deed :D

I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...

---why not try to visit parent with ur husband ? It will make ur parent happy , too.

If it's not possible for ur hubby to go , then tell ur mom-in-law to come & stay with him. Or may be , ur parent can come & visit u .

This problem is very common , sis. Many people are now living in abroad & they can't see their parent :cry: ; I know how painful it must be but ur in laws are not responsible for it. When u decided to came outside Pakistan , surely u knew that it won't be possible for u to see parent regularly.

Anyway , for how many days u want to go there ? Staying away from husband for long is not a very good idea if u want to keep ur marriage happy. Loneliness may create problem in married life.

when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother ...

--- pl. pl. don't do this again. Will u be happy if he says something bad about ur mom ?

but he went and told his mother behind my back ...

---both of u acted very foolishly .....sorry to say.

and lied to me that he had not told her

--may be , he was afraid that u will be angry :enough!: & will start fight again :scared:

I have left everything upto Allah...

---yah , that's ok but u try ur best not to fight again. It's very easy to find faults with others , it's hard to correct ourselves. Try to do the hard thing , Insha Allah , the best result will be granted for u :D



Offer Ishtherkhara prayer before taking any imp decision.

[AnonymousPoster]

there is nothing wrong if he talks to mom . A mom has a lot of rights over son........remember her pain when ur husband came in to this world . U were not there , it was his mom who went through all the pain.

you are right that there is nothing wrong with the fact that he talks to his mom...i don't mind the fact that he does...it's just that he talks to her about everything...and i mean everything...there is nothing that is sacred between us that she does not know about....sometimes it becomes less but...tell me would u like it if your husband told his mom about ure intimate life too sometimes??i think its highly inappropriate but apparently they don't...

Just because a son is adult & married , it does not mean that a mom has lost her right. Think like that , when u will be blessed with son , u will have so many dreams about him , and ur son gets married & stay away from u , don't discuss anything with u , will it be fair ???????

no its not fair to have that happen...but inshallah i would not be calling my son's mom in law and telling her what to tell her daughter and what not to...if she says something to me all i do is listen quietly...but she has no right to be calling my mom and telling her what to say or not to say to me...

----oh sis , do u have a bro ? If he complains that ur sis -in-law is giving him trouble , won't u talk to her ?

i don't have a brother...but if i did i would explain to my brother and give him advice rather than go to the sis in law coz that would make things more complicated....

Normally elder people love to give lecture .........try to listen to them , don't protest ......it make them very happy :statisfie :) . It's not possible for us to re-pay mom/mom-in-law for what they sacrifised for us & our dear ones. If listening lectures can make them happy , we must show our pateince .And remember , there is minimum 2 rewards from God for each good deed :D

i have listened to one too many lectures and it's not just about listening to lectures she wants me to do exactly as she wants and when i don't she gets upset with me....i'm an educated girl who has her own opinions and a right to live my life the way i want....i will gladly listen to whatever she wants to say but she has no right to force me to do something i don't want to...and i don't think that's fair

---why not try to visit parent with ur husband ? It will make ur parent happy , too.

If it's not possible for ur hubby to go , then tell ur mom-in-law to come & stay with him. Or may be , ur parent can come & visit u .

i have tried to get my husband to go he does not want to....mom in law wants to go visit her daughter who will be having exams during that time and arents cannot come visit due to visa problems!!!

Anyway , for how many days u want to go there ? Staying away from husband for long is not a very good idea if u want to keep ur marriage happy. Loneliness may create problem in married life.


--- pl. pl. don't do this again. Will u be happy if he says something bad about ur mom ?

his mom has said a million things to me before and i have never ever said nething to him or neone else...what really put me off was her calling my mom and ordering her around as well....no matter what her reasons were...no i will not be happy having him say bad things about neone in my family and the way he was acting when my uncle came was enough to set me off...apart from that....his mom hates my sis and mom and says they are trying to break my home....that's not fair either!!

---both of u acted very foolishly .....sorry to say.

u are right...i totally agree that i was stupid and i was so angry i did not even know what i said....but u know if one person acts foolishly the other has to pick up and say ok she's being this way i will give her time to cool off and then talk to her...i think that's how a marriage works...if my husband says something to me that i don't like i don't go blabbing to anyone in my family or his!!

--may be , he was afraid that u will be angry :enough!: & will start fight again :scared:

yes i guess that was his reason...but its not like i fight with him all the time...he's happiest when i don't say nething to him and listen to every single thing he says and obey him whether he is right or not....

---yah , that's ok but u try ur best not to fight again. It's very easy to find faults with others , it's hard to correct ourselves. Try to do the hard thing , Insha Allah , the best result will be granted for u :D

yes u are right about that....i am trying to clarify to understand this whole situation better....but the thing is that me doing it alone and singlehandedly is not the answer...it is a partnership and i want it to be like that....only my husband does not feel inclined to working towards the relationship....he thinks his mom can make everything better for him....he himself has to put in the work and i don't think he realizes that!!!

[AnonymousPoster]

Obviously, your mother-in-law never got the memo, I'm not even sure your husband did. Trying to correct this after the fact is hard. For that, my guess is that you are going to need some obective third party who can mediate a long-term conversation between the two of you, and who can tell mom-in-law to stay out.

I wish you luck.

Thanx for your thoughts...as to involving an objective third party...i am all for that...but knowing my mom in law she says that if u want to involve anyone it should just be your parents or siblings...no one else...and she hates my sister... i even tried to convince my husband to go for marital counseling but one day he said no...next day ok and then after that did not even mention it...he feels more comfortable if i don't bring up any issues and if we can just ignore all problems...but that way they just increase in magnitude and i know that now he will not go for counseling...so it's just better to just stay quiet and pray to Allah and see what the future holds...even though it's really tough!!

[Snowflake]

[QUOTE=Anonymous Tester;694072]:sl:

I think what i meant to say was that my friends and family are telling me to make a decision...well not right away but to really think about whether i can live with this kind of treatment and whether i feel that my inlaws will change...on the other hand, I get blamed for everything from my inlaws side...like the way they talk about everything it seems that i am the reason that everything is going wrong....and i do start feeling like that sometimes....other times i feel like i am overreacting and maybe i shouldn't and its not that big of a deal...but i don't know what to expect from them anymore...i just feel very confused...

thanks, I understand now sis. And I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I can imagine how frustrating it is when your own husband doesn't understand you. In fact I know cuz I've been there.

as to what u said in your last post that alot of people go into marriage and don't want to deal with things...i can understand that...but it is going to be almost three years since i have been married(we were apart in the middle for a while due to visa reasons) but u can say that we have been together for 2 years...so it should change a bit don't u think? i don't know how to deal with all this anymore...

I didn't mean you. Its' your husband who doesn't want to deal with things. And yes he should've learnt by now. Especially as he can see the damage it's doing to the marriage. If you get a third party involved, make sure it's someone who's wise and knowledgable. An imaan would be the best. Firstly because he won't be biased and secondly he can explain things to your husband from an Islamic perspective. But do you think your husband would agree to you both talking to the imaan?

[AnonymousPoster]

[QUOTE=Muslimah_Sis;694507]

:sl:

I didn't you it's you who doesn't want to deal with things, but your husband. And yes he should've learnt by now. Especially as he can see the damage it's doing to the marriage. If you get a third party involved, make sure it's someone who's wise and knowledgable. An imaan would be the best. Firstly because he won't be biased and secondly he can explain things to your husband from an Islamic perspective. But do you think your husband would agree to you both talking to the imaan?

i'm not so sure about that as he is not very Islamic...just as an example with all the problems that I have been facing lately i started praying more and more as it gives me peace and he started asking me why are u praying so much?u are becoming xtremist....so i don't know how he will react to that either....i just don't make any suggestions anymore just do what he wants....i am praying istakhara but i have not had any feeling that are different or any dreams so i will keep praying it every night and leave all the rest upto Allah...

[Tania]

May be its a cultural thing the fact he doen't open "his heart" in front of you :? Are you from same culture :?

[AnonymousPoster]

May be its a cultural thing the fact he doen't open "his heart" in front of you :? Are you from same culture :?

yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....:exhausted

[Tania]

yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....:exhausted

Try to make him to talk. Are men which think are less men if they cry on wife shoulder :-[. Chit chat with him, he must say something. If you keep talking with him, he will not have time to run at his mommy either. Its a basic manner - to listen the person which talk with you.

[Grace Seeker]

yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....:exhausted

I have been thinking about your problem for several days. And honestly I have been stymied by the issues you presented. As I see it, your husband does not behave as a married man, but as a spoiled child who cannot leave his mother. (Sorry, that is rather harsh since I have never actually met your husband. Surely there are two sides to every story, and I have only heard yours, not his.)

Today I happened to be visiting with a pyschiatrist, and posed your dilemna to him. What he said was that it seems you have a need to see your own mother and make contact with your family again. Eventually the time will come when you will do this, even if your husband and his mother resist this desire. Whether you will return or not, is likely to depend on whether or not your husband is willing to make an effort to truly build a home with you or continues to live without regard for you.

I'm not sure that actually helps much. I am sorry. Maybe if there was a man who could speak to your husband and help him see that it is his attitude toward you that is is about to bring ruin upon his marriage. But I am not sure that you can initiate this in another person.

I believe that at marriage a man and a woman should leave their homes of origins to create new one in which the first priority in all things is considered in regard of one's spouse. One cannot continually seek more refuge in or share the love of one's mother than one's wife and still be considered a husband.

[AnonymousPoster]

I have been thinking about your problem for several days. And honestly I have been stymied by the issues you presented. As I see it, your husband does not behave as a married man, but as a spoiled child who cannot leave his mother. (Sorry, that is rather harsh since I have never actually met your husband. Surely there are two sides to every story, and I have only heard yours, not his.)

Actually that is how i feel alot of times that he does not act maturely enough to be acting as a married man and i am not offended about it...i am only trying to understand what the situation might be....a friend of mine who has met my husband and talked to him saw a program on autism and told me to read up on it and alot of the symptoms that are seen in autism i have noticed in my husband's behavior...i don't know if that is true or not...i just don't know what to believe nemore...his mom still says that she loves me so much but i don't know whether to believe her or not...i just don't know where to turn or who to ask for help....it's such a horrible situation and i feel so depressed....:cry:
i feel like i will go crazy and the issue about me visiting my mom is now on a backburner...i have not mentioned it so one else has...i don't know that when i do what will happen...whenever i talk to my mom in law i feel like everything is my fault and when i talk to other people i feel like its not...i do realize my own mistakes and i know u all just have my side of the story but i don't know how to get the other side of the story coz that side always points to me for the mistakes!!!May Allah help me and any other who are facing difficulties as well...Ameen :cry:

[Grace Seeker]

If I may, I want to recommend some books to you. Now these are by Christian authors, but I believe that you will still find quite a bit of truth in them that you can use.

Love Life: For Every Married Couple and [u]How To Save Your Marriage Alone [/b], both by Dr. Ed Wheat. They are available from Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

Happiness Is a Choice: Symptoms, Causes, and Cures of Depression , by Frank Minirth and Paul Meier.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

I've listed them in the order that I think they might do you the most good.

[AnonymousPoster]

thanx Grace Seeker...I will definitely try and get a hold of those books and try and get what I can to help me out in my situation....
I just wanted to mention one thing...my husband gets really stressed out over small small things and is on medication for anxiety and sleep medication...he started them when he was unable to work in two consecutive jobs which he had taken up...he also has a problem with blood pressure which goes up if anything stresses him out...i was just wondering if anyone is aware of a young 26 year old person who might be facing these sort of problems so that i can feel at ease that it might not be something psychological which might be making him act the way he does....

i met my husband in March so i knew him for a very short time before marriage(got married in june)....my family wanted more time as i was finishing my education but his mom had this sense of urgency that we should get married right away..she said other family would not be able to make it to the wedding after that time....

another thing is that a few months before we got married he had gotten addicted to drugs and he was on them for a few months and had just left them in jan and we got married in june...so i don't know if that has anything to do with the unusual attachment between the mom and the son(coz she helped him get off of it) or maybe its something else altogether which my mom in law knows about but does not want me to know but wants me to still stick around...there's so many things that come to my mind but something makes sense one minute and another minute it does not....just crazy confusing...i would love to have any thoughts on this just to get feedback from a third person's point of view...

i am still doing istikhara everyday...inshallah Allah(swt)will guide me...

another thing...this autism thing came about when i had done the istikhara for three days...i did not get any dreams or any feelings...just felt the same confusion..do u think it might have anything to do with istikhara???

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
please ppl any thoughts on my previous post??

the same thing happened again yesterday with my mom in law...i'm so sick of this whole situation...i felt like just jumping off a cliff or something...

i was driving and my husband was in the passenger seat talking to his mum on the phone(speaker phone) and i did not interrupt them...when she found out she started getting upset about the fact that i had not said salaam to her...and then she just started saying more things to me and making me feel horrible again...and my husband instead of settling things down started to make fun of me and saying things like over and over again say salaam...say sorry to my mom u made her upset and telling his mom that i was rolling my eyes(even though i was not) and joking about it and laughing and his mom kept getting more and more upset with me though she just kept saying stufff indirectly to me about all the past stuff...i seriously felt like i would have an accident!!not that i wanted to but my head was spinning and i just felt like i was going to faint or something...

i have just started to become so overwhelmed now...i don't know how much longer i can take this anymore!!!!

if my elders are giving me advice as to the fact that divorce might be the best option for me and i have been doing istikhara and my heart does lean towards that side then is it possible that these are effects of the istikhara??

please help me out!!!

:w:

[Grace Seeker]

I am not Muslim. I cannot give you Muslim advice, especially with how you should respond to istikhara. I can only give you Christian advice. If you want that, PM me and I will do that best for you that I can and remain respectful of your faith in Allah as well. But, I won't be able to quote for you from the Qur'an or the Hadith to substantiate what I say.

[nevesirth]

:sl:
I am in a situation and I thought I would post here and see if someone could help me out...If not I think it also just helps to talk about some things...I have been married now for almost three years...My husband and I have had problems understanding each other from the start...I try to understand him but I feel as if he does not want to make the effort...He likes to show his affection alot but otherwise if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....i have tried to ignore this and alot of other things but now it's starting to really bother me...If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...she lives in another city and we live in another one...my mom was upset...i got to know about this and was really mad at her...but i did not say nething just held back a little by talking to her less than before...so she knew i knew....then i had a huge fight with my husband...i usually don't tell him nething but about this i did as i felt it was wrong of her to do this...when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother which hurt him i know....but i said sorry as i had been extremely angry...but he went and told his mother behind my back and lied to me that he had not told her...I feel like I can never trust him as this always happens...Its just a very tough situation and I have left everything upto Allah...Inshallah He will help me and whatever is best for me will come out of this situation...I need all the prayers...So please remember me in your dua's...

I'm sorry this post is long but i have left out all the details and the latest developments...I just need all the support i can get...I'm so far away from my family and I just miss them very much....I'll wait for the replies...Jazakallah!!

wernt u the one talking about having a low self esteem in another forum, and how u fear tht u might not get married due to ur looks? how come u are talking about marital problems now??????????????:?

[nevesirth]

or are there many users of anonymous gender????????

[AnonymousPoster]

No that wasn't me...i think if u post as anonymous it gives similar stats on the side where your name should be...i think that was someone else....

but if anyone does have advice from the Islamic point of view to my questions in the posts above I would really appreciate it...

how do i PM you Grace seeker??

:w:

[Grace Seeker]

No that wasn't me...i think if u post as anonymous it gives similar stats on the side where your name should be...i think that was someone else....

but if anyone does have advice from the Islamic point of view to my questions in the posts above I would really appreciate it...

how do i PM you Grace seeker??

:w:

Just click on my name, and below it will pop up a screen with the line "send a private message to Grace Seeker". Just click on that link and another screen will pop up for you to write and send your message to me. I'll get it the next time I come online. But, you'll need to give me some way to contact you with it (your real profile name or an email address) becaue I can't send a PM to "Anonymous".

:sl:

[Snowflake]

Salam sis,

Firstly I'd like to apologise because I just realised I made lots of typing errors. Just reading it now, it sounded as if I was saying that you don't want to work things out. That was a genuine error. I'm sorry if it sounded otherwise.

I can see your problems aren't getting any better. Your husband's behavior in the car was atrocious! There comes a point where anyone can see that talking to him isn't going to bring any benefits - except by the intervention of a scholar who specialisez in the jurisprudence of marriage.

I say this because, he will be able to assess the situation islamically and also act as a go-between. It will also give your husband a chance to have his say (that's if he talks to anyone else other than his mother!) The scholar will also be able to guide your husband. But most importantly he will be able to tell you whether in your present situation you are entitled to divorce or not. By that I mean, after speaking to your husband he may tell you to wait for a certain period of time to see if there's any improvement. Or he might suggest divorce.

That's because, although divorce is the most hated lawful act by Allah subhana watala, it actually becomes desirable and even obligatory in some cicumstances.

The ruling on divorce varies from permissable, detestable, desirable, obligatory to prohibited. Two which spring to mind in your situation are

Desirable when the wife suffers harm during her marital life, such as dissension between her and her husband or when she dislikes him. In this case, maintaining the marriage causes her more harm.

Obligatory when the husband is neither righteous nor upright concerning religion, it is obligatory for the wife to ask for divorce.

maybe the latter applies too? :?


At this point sis, I sincerely suggest that you seek the advice of the learned. InshaAllah then you will be able to think with clarity and make a decision that you won't regret.

all my love,

ur sis : ))

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Grace Seeker i cannot PM you as I am limited member...
lots of other things happened today too which i think made the situation worse...i don't know what to do...maybe just get out of the situation to save myself and everyone else all the porblems???just feel horrible...everthing is always blamed on me and i can't even complain of the things that i see are wrong!!!i will update more in the next post...
Jazakallah Muslimah_Sis...i agree with you about involving someone learned...at this point i have started doubting myself and thinking that i really am the one who is in the wrong here....i've started not liking weekends as when my husband is home he talks more to his mum and things get worse...
more later!!:cry:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Muslimah_Sis you mentioned that situations in which divorce is permissible in Islam...in my case...i have a strong feeling that my husband has a disorder namely autism...he seems to have a whole lot of the symptoms of a high functioning autistic adult...there are alot of programs where he can go for therapy but the problem here is that if i mention something like this to him and his mother gets to know which she will obviously as he is so dependent upon her...all hell will break loose!!!

yesterday also...alot of problems happened..i have not been feeling well for a while coz i have been miserable so my husband says yesterday i am taking u to the ER no matter what and he told his mom too and she's calling around and finding doctors that i can talk to on the phone as she felt that her son was so upset...i refused and said i would get an appointment from my doctor and then go but they were after my life and called me hardhearted and cold as i wasn't talking much....then she said i just want to talk to u and i get so stressed when she calls that i start shaking and get palpitations!!!so i just sat there crying and shaking and refused to talk to her...

then my husband kept saying that i won't talk to his mom and he said he would talk to me and then call her back...so we talked and i tried to tell him what i was going through and he still kept saying talk to her....but i said that she makes me so stressed i will lose my mind....and then we had this whole discussion where i told him what all bothered me and nothing really came out of it except that i told him that i did not want to talk to his mom rite now as i could not deal with it....later he called her and said that to her that i was not going to talk to her so she should not talk ot me either and she got hurt and mad and started listing all the old things that have happened...i just stayed quiet and out of that room...

i do realize that this is probably not the most mature way to act but i feel that it is really affecting my mental health...and my husband really says things in a way that make me look awful...he could have said that she is not feeling well so just don't talk to her but he said no she does not want to talk to u and obviously she will take it the wrong way....

he is so dependent on his mom and tells her everything..like the day before he had been telling me u are always sick and i told him that when u were depressed and anxious for so long i did not bother u and he told his mom that too and she said to me the next day at least he went and sought help and we are trying to help u and u still think we are being bad....even though i already have a doctor's appointment and i know exactly what is wrong with me but obviously she chooses not to see that it's coz of what she is doing to me!!!

[Grace Seeker]

:sl:
Grace Seeker i cannot PM you as I am limited member...
lots of other things happened today too which i think made the situation worse...i don't know what to do...maybe just get out of the situation to save myself and everyone else all the porblems???just feel horrible...everthing is always blamed on me and i can't even complain of the things that i see are wrong!!!i will update more in the next post...
Jazakallah Muslimah_Sis...i agree with you about involving someone learned...at this point i have started doubting myself and thinking that i really am the one who is in the wrong here....i've started not liking weekends as when my husband is home he talks more to his mum and things get worse...
more later!!:cry:

:sl:
Ah, ok. Well, Here is an email account that if it gets filled with Spam I can delete it. Just write me if you think that I can help. But remember, I am not Muslim. I'm a Christian pastor and though I have experience counseling people, I can't do it from the standpoint of the Qur'an and the Hadiths.

Whatever you decide, I hope you are able to work things out.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Grace Seeker, i sent and email on the address u provided not sure whether u received it....

any other Muslim brothers or sisters i had a question about my istakhara...i mentioned the autism thing before...

but a few days ago...i had a dream...i don't remember the whole dream very well but in just a few words i still remember i got the feeling that in the dream the parents of a girl are trying to get their daughter married to a boy and they are being told that they should not marry her to this boy....any idea if that is a sign of what i should do???could it be coz i have been thinking about it so much that it came in my dream??but i haven't had any other dreams and i usually don't dream very much....i am just confused...when i think of staying here with my husband for the rest of my life i feel agitated and when i think about going away i feel more at peace??

any ideas about this??
:w:

[SUMMAYAH]

Derest sister........I really feel for u darling........

I know exactly how ur feeling regarding the mother-in-law situation as I've been there myself.
You are being emotionally balckmailed by her. Her constant reminder of how good she's been towards you only confuses you and leaves you miserable. I can understand exactly how u feel wen she's on the phone, u dont wanna listen to wat she has to say, yet it's really hard to tear away.
And I can understand that on days she's been nice to you your whole day goes perfectly. (and that's where the solution lies to rid your depression)

You need to make-up with her one last time good and well...........then slowly let your relationship fade away..........trust me sister, it really works!

Dearest sister, no matter how low ur feeling try to keep up with ur salaah's. Because once u start to miss one, u'll miss another then another and slowly ur depression will increase and u will b left feeling hopeless and too ashamed to think that the Most merciful is with u.

Remember......if you want Allah to remember you then you remember him. And what more could a person want then the creator of the World's on their side?

May everything work-out for u sis and I'm always here if u need a chat.

[guideme2007]

this is quite common in my culture. mothers never want to let go of their sons. a mother has great rights over her children but once her sons are married she should let them have privacy within their own relationships. people in our culture do not understand that. once their sons are married they get very protective. i have always felt that in laws would prefer you be like a cow. solely for breeding purposes. they do not wish for you to have any other relationship with their sons. when i got married it was as though i had no rights . i was expected to have children straightaway. my husband was not expected to utter any words to me during the day. it was though i belonged to my in laws. my husband came to live with me in the UK and then things got better. even then my in laws controlled everything over the phone. it was only after living together for a long while that my husband began to trust me and see me as a life companion instead of someone who just works like a slave no questions asked. but my dear sister to reach this stage you need a lot of patience. Allah is witness to my tears and the unhappiness in my heart that i felt time and time again when i suffered indifference however by keeping quiet and praying to Allah my husband's eyes were opened and there came a time when he himself would acknowledge the injustice. your husband needs to know that you are on his side. in our culture the in laws do not like that your husband should love you or treat you with respect. they see this as a way of losing their son. howevr you must persevere so that your husband realises your worth. women have problems with their in laws all over the world. trust me i talk from experience but your relationship with your husband cannot be ruined because of this. on the contrary rise above it. ignore your mother in law. if she tries to wind u up smile sweetly and pretend it doesn't bother you. keep her sweet. feel sorry for her. if she had peace of heart and mind she would not act so cruelly towards you. what your husband really wants is for you all to get along together. if you can prove to your husband that you are willing to go through anything to keep him happy you will win his respect. if you cant go to visit your parents keep praying. my fathers best advice to me was if you have a problem read two rakats salaah ul hajah and put your problem to Allah. believe me sister when you are feeling all alone and have been hurt by others close to you Allah is there and no one can help you but Allah. pray that Allah guides your husband also.
:w:[/QUOTE]

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Mashallah I always pray all my salaahs and make sure that I don't miss any...i usually don't pray sunnah and nafil but mashallah i have started doing that as well....maybe not all the time but whenever I can...i understand where u are coming from guideme2007 but here the problem is totally different...i have been persevering and being patient...i do everything for my husband....alot of times he will stay home and order me to go get movies for him or to go get him coffee...if i ask him to come along as it would become like an outing for us he gets mad at me....if i'm not well he will still make me do it...i am at such a point now that if i talk to my mother in law i start getting anxiety attacks...if it was a normal situation i would deal with everything with patience...i know marriage is alot of hard work and patience...when my husband was out of a job i used to go with him to interviews and sit out in the car or the lobby as he could not find directions...we have been in this city for two years and he still does not know any directions except how to get to his job and that too i had gone with him the first couple of times...i'm not saying how much i have done for him as he is my husband but he feels like its his birth right and i know he was raised to think that way...anything that i have to do for myself i have to do it on my own...all my green card renewal i did on my own he did now even know nething...i got my passport renewed on my own he did not even know about it...seems like he does not even care....if i even ask him to get bread on the way back from work he doesn't even though the shop is on the way....he'll come home and then send me....i know i don't work and don't have kids but that does not mean that he should act this way...he doesn't say his prayers and when i used to tell him to his mom would say no don't say nething to him if u do say alot he will not say it even more out of stubbornness...she says it to him sometimes but not often enough...i mean my mom used to drag me out of bed for fajr and just push me into the bathroom and then i had no choice but to say my prayers....i'm not saying i'm perfect...i also make a lot of mistakes buti have been trying to get this to work...it feels like he does not even try!!!:cry:

there are so many things...if i am upset or something he will either call his mom or not know what to do...if i'm crying he will probably laugh and say that's all u do...when his mom's getting mad at me and all he will make fun of me which will make me feel like i should just go jump off a bridge(not literally)

i feel like i have tried hard and nothing works and instead of getting better things get worse...i can't tell him any of my feelings....i could care less about my mother in law if only my husband were supportive of me and acted like other normal guys...sometimes i really do feel like he has some kind of disorder...

i'm sorry my posts are so long...please forgive me but this is one of my outlets otherwise i would seriously go crazy...

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

for him 60 Ways To Keep Your Wife's Love, and the romance alive!
for him Islamic Tender, Love And Care -- Husbands Listen Up
http://www.islamicboard.com/islamic-...ad-shehab.html

for her Islamic Tender, Love And Care -- Wives Listen Up

for both Ahmad Shehab - The Tongue

[Grace Seeker]

:sl:

Grace Seeker, i sent and email on the address u provided not sure whether u received it....

Yes, I got your message and I am working on a reply. Please forgive me if it takes some time, this is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. And next week I will be visiting my daughter. I know you are doing your best to hang on in what seems like an impossible situation. I hope you might be able to do so a little longer.


I notice that you spend a lot of time talking about the relationship between your husband and his mother. What about the relationship between your husband and his father? Is he still living? If not, how long has he been gone? Does your husband have any brothers or sisters? If so, what type of relationship do they have with their mother? Most importantly, what type of relationship did his father have with his mother when you husband was a child at home?

Every competent parent knows that the most important wedding present they will ever give their children is the gift of their own healthy relationship. Why? Because kids carry into their own marriage much of what they saw practiced by their moms and dads. This is why you may not be getting much help from your mother-in-law. She probably taught her son to behave this way toward you by behaving this way with his father.

One way to maybe help your husband get past this is an excercise that would have him critique his parent's marriage. (Now, you can't let him know that this is what he is doing, because he seems combative when it comes to sharing much with you.)

Begin by asking him what it was like for him growing up. What did he like best about it? (Always talk about the good stuff first.) Did he and his dad have any special things they shared with one another? Comment on how strong the bond he has with his mother. Ask if it was always like that? What is the one trait that he admires most in his mother? (Hint: if it is something that you could adopt without changing who you are, that might help you connect with him a little better.) Keep going with a few more questions:
Is that what you father liked best about your mother too?
What other things did your father like about your mom?
Were there any things that were less than perfect that they had to work on to improve their marriage?
Who had to change more to maker their marriage work, your mom or your dad?

Don't do too many, but just enough to see if you can get him to begin to see that all marriages require work. None are naturally perfect, but all can be great -- but to achieve really good marriage requires both partners to work at it.

You might ask some of these questions of your mother-in-law too. Ask her what was life like for her when she and your husband's father first got married? What things about being married surprised her the most? If she ever talks about any of the things that you struggle with in your own relationship, tell her that you are in the same place she was years ago. Ask her how she handled it? Did it ever get any better, or did she just learn to accept it?\

In doing this it might seem like you are looking for advice. If you get any good advice, of course take it, but your really purpose is not advice, but to see if you can learn what their personal patterns were, because these patterns are also their built in expectations of what your husband's marriage would be like. But by talking about people other than your husband, you avoid actually bringing up complaints about your relationship because doing that does not seem to be working for you.

[AnonymousPoster]

I notice that you spend a lot of time talking about the relationship between your husband and his mother. What about the relationship between your husband and his father? Is he still living? If not, how long has he been gone? Does your husband have any brothers or sisters? If so, what type of relationship do they have with their mother? Most importantly, what type of relationship did his father have with his mother when you husband was a child at home?

his parents still live together....my husband does not talk to his father much just when he absolutely needs to...like to ask a question or when his mom puts him on the phone and even then they both don't talk much...he has a sister and he does not talk much to the sister...only rarely...like last year his mom had gone overseas and she told me when i'm not there it is your duty to keep communication flowing between the family as these people do not do it on their own...they are so used to having me do it for them....his sister is close to her mother too but it's still different...she is quite independent and lives on her own in a separate city where she is studying...my husband has never lived on his own...

according to his mom...she had a wonderful relationship with her husband initially....but his family(her husband's) tried in every single way to destroy their relationship....initially in their marriage they lived with their in laws and then moved abroad then went back again for a while and then moved here to the US....so i guess most of their married life they were living far away from her in laws....just the other day my husband was saying to her that u did not even talk to my grandmother when she was alive and she said no it was her who did not talk to me i was always very good to her and took really good care of her....his mom has also said to me that whenever her in laws are around they put tension between her and her husband and they fight...even uptil now!!

Who had to change more to maker their marriage work, your mom or your dad?

according to his mom...she changed herself totally in order to make her marriage work...i have felt this that she is the dominant one in the relationship sometimes and alot of times her husband listens to her...like when my husband and I got married my mom in law was doing everything like she was the one who was there and she was the one who made the decision...and later after we got married...she used to complain that her husband did not do anything to help her out even when he had come coz he was only there for a week only for the actual marriage and that she had to do everything on her own...

You might ask some of these questions of your mother-in-law too. Ask her what was life like for her when she and your husband's father first got married? What things about being married surprised her the most? If she ever talks about any of the things that you struggle with in your own relationship, tell her that you are in the same place she was years ago. Ask her how she handled it? Did it ever get any better, or did she just learn to accept it?\

she and her husband had remained engaged for two years before they got married so they knew each other quite well i guess by the time they were married...she says her marriage in the beginning was like magic and her husband used to do so much for her like when she was expecting my husband he would like give her fresh juice taking it out himself and he was so caring and all...and i also remember her telling me that her in laws were so horrible that once they even threw her out of the house and she had to go live with her mother for a while with both her kids....so i guess they had a lot of problems and when her husband listened to his parents it would just get worse....i also remember one thing that my husband's grandmother had said to me once...she said my daughter in law was always in a bad mood...so see i get so many different stories from different places that i don't know who to believe....

i will definitely try and talk to my husband about it...but usually if he is not in a talkative mood he just says i don't know or i don't remember....i'm at the point where i don't know how to talk to him about anything...like i stay quiet a lot now and he says u are the one who does not communicate....but if i ask him something he just gives a ridiculous answer in jest and does not get serious or just does not answer....i used to try and talk to him before all this but he would seem so disinterested and just not talk...i hope i make sense...

my mom in law is very talkative and she used to talk to me alot and tell me alot of things but whenever i say nething to my husband and he tells her she loses her mind and now i'm at the point where i'm losing my mind...i went to the doctor and have been prescribed anxiety medication as i start getting anxiety attacks when ever my mom in law calls....

:w:

[Grace Seeker]

It seems to me like you are dealing with more than one thing.

1) There is your relationship with your husband. That's the primary one.
2) There is your relationship with your mother-in-law. But it isn't the primary one. If you can fix the relationship between you and your husband the one with your mother-in-law either falls in place naturally...or if it doesn't you just ignore her.
3) And there is your relationship with yourself. Now what do I mean by this last one?

Well, we all have a relationship with ourselves. That is where the anxiety is coming from. It really isn't anxiety about what she is going to do. You pretty much know what she is going to do. The thing you don't know is how you are going to deal with it. Let me suggest that you make a decision in advance of how you are going to deal with it. Decide that if she is making sense that you will listen. And if she is being mean, talking nonsense, putting you down, or any of the other stuff that is getting under your skin that your body might be present, but your mind and spirit are going to just check out and go someplace nice for awhile. Grant yourself a mental vacation. Remember you have control over how much importance you place on what she says.

Most of us have occassions when someone we don't even care about says something insulting to us. They might even be right. We mistakenly cut them off in traffic and they let us know of their displeasure with us. Other times they are just plain rude. They are standing behind us in line and we overhear them talking about us. And though upsetting, we don't let it get to us. We don't really care, because we don't care about them. And hence we don't care about their opinion.

Now obviously, you do care about your mother-in-laws opinion. But there is caring and caring too much. Right now, if it is making you sick, you are caring too much. Again you may not be able to distance yourself physically from her, but you don't really need to do that. What you need is to somehow distance yourself emotionally. Whether you inteded to or not, you've given her a lot of emotional control over your life. You need to take that back. She can only control you to the extent that you give her permission to occupy your mind and thoughts. If she is crazy making, then she isn't worth the space you've given her. Remember, she is not primary, your husband is.

So, (1) take possession of your life back for yourself by giving less space to her in it. Then (2) give yourself some time for healing. And finally (3) focus your energies on developing the relationship you want -- at least as far as it depend on you -- with your husband and let your mother-in-law fend for herself.

[AnonymousPoster]

Thanx Grace Seeker...
What u said makes a lot of sense...I do realize that I gave her a lot of emotional control over me and I do need to repair my own relationship with myself...I have lost all my self confidence and I feel like i can't do anything on my own...even though I know that's not true it someone keeps telling u that they have been so good to u and u are the one at fault it just kind of starts to sound true...and u start doubting yourself and feeling worthless....I am at a point where I have now emotionally detached myself from her no matter what she says...I don't talk to her at all now...My husband does not like it and the day i told him I don't want to talk to her as she gives me a lot of stress he said to me why don't u just apologize and make up...but I said no...I also feel that it would be a good idea for me to go away for a while...assess my situation and have someone mediate on my part who can be neutral and who can talk some sense into my husband and mum in law coz i can't communicate with either of them....that way i will be detaching myself from both and doing something for myself....

I also talked to a person who is quite learned in Islam and told him my whole situation and he basically said the same thing...that it's better to kind of step back from the situation and have someone learned and stable mediate on my part....it will either make the situation even more irreparable or it will make them realize their mistake...either way something has to be done coz i just can't keep hanging in mid air and not do anything at all...

please just pray for me that whatever is the best for me happens and that whatever happens, Allah(swt) is happy with me and my decision and actions....

:w:

[Grace Seeker]

I'll keep you in my prayers my sister. I'll be gone for about a week. But keep on the track you have set yourself on. I'll be interested in learning of your progress in healing your emotions when I get back.

[Snowflake]

:sl: dear sis, I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply lately. I hope you didn't think that I'd forgotten about you. InshaAllah not! :)

i have a strong feeling that my husband has a disorder namely autism...he seems to have a whole lot of the symptoms of a high functioning autistic adult...there are alot of programs where he can go for therapy but the problem here is that if i mention something like this to him and his mother gets to know which she will obviously as he is so dependent upon her...all hell will break loose!!!

It's very difficult for people with this disorder to develope intimate relationships. Even if you mentioned it and they agreed to get help, will you be able to put in the hard work of managing the whole process without it corroding any last bit of patience and sanity you have left?

Going back a few posts, you mentioned that your mother-in-law was in quite a hurry for the marriage to take place immediately soon after the proposal. Could this be because she was aware of her son's condition and didn't want it to become noticed before the wedding. Allahu alam, I'm just guessing, but it's a possibility. If you find that this was the case, would it make you feel conned and inclined towards seeking divorce?


What I'm going to state next isn't merely my own opinion but rather some facts that cause women all over the world unnecessary guilt and unhappiness. Women are naturally inclined to nurture and care for those who they feel need it. We become the weight-bearers for everyone else's problems, and turn a blind eye to the problems that come out of it for ourselves. A part of us likes the challenge of making someone else's world a better place, even when our own world is wobbling on it's axis. And we feel that if we don't make a difference, if we don't push ourselves to the limit in changing someone/something for the better, then it's as we have failed to be what we and others wanted us to be.


We have this heroic illusion of ourselves that we will make everything alright and become everyone's favourite person for having accomplished something so unimaginable. And then we will live happily ever after floating in the admiration and gratitude of those whose problems we took on and solved. Does a part of you feel like that?


Being a woman myself, I undertand. But I want to say that these sacrificial thoughts are often nothing more than our own conjectures. Very rarely can a person take on such a task and succeed. I'll tell you why dear sis. It's because without the cooperation of those concerned we cannot even begin to gain a foothold in the mountain of struggles we're willing to climb. And from what I see in your case, there is no cooperation involved. None whatsoever at all!


It might've been easier if your mother-in-law wasn't a part of the picture. But, she is. And I cannot see how even if you block her mentally, you can stop her influence in your world through her son.


I don't know how much of a fight you have left in you. But from what you say, it's seems your last ounce of strength is fading. You don't have to bear the burdens for which you have no strength sis. The fight was over a long time ago. Please stop exhausting yourself by fighting an imaginary battle. A battle which is against your ownself.


My apologies, since this post is never-ending. And my head is spinning due to sleepiness (explains my ramblings at least). But I don't want to see you suffering in that which you cannot change by yourself. You ARE suffering sis. With you, your parents are suffering too. And should Allah bestow you with children.. Allah forbid, they should suffer too.


Think of your future sis. I know from experience that when we fight to change what we can't, we ourselves break emotionally, mentally and physically, while everything else remains the same. We become bitter and miserable and at the end unable to embrace happiness, because we stop believing that it exists. Please don't let happiness become a figment of your imagination. Don't destroy yourself dear sis. Your husband's condition isn't like flu that can be nursed and gone in a few weeks. Nor, do I see him, or your M.I.L admit to it and seek help and risk being labelled with a condition people have little understanding of.


At the risk of sounding like mystic meg, I will say that I am 99.9% sure that any effort you do make to make this marriage work will only be in vain. Astaghfirullah, however much I'd like to be proved wrong in this case, my instincts rarely are. Your posts are enough to make me want to literally take you out of that situation and make you realise that this marriage is and will continue to do more damage to you than you could imagine.


There is no shame in preserving our sanity and wellbeing. And both of yours are at risk. You are not bound by any religious or moral obligations to stay with a man who cannot fulfil his duties towards you. Please, stop the self-torture and put yourself first. I don't know why my conviction is so strong, but I can't see anything good coming from the sacrifices you are making. Perhaps it's my own experience of life that is causing me to provoke you into putting yourself first. All I know is that in some cases (mine too) it's worth it.


You don't deserve this kind of life. Neither do the parents who brought you up with so much love deserve to see their daughter suffering. I love you for the sake of Allah. Please put yourself first sis.



:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
dear Muslimah Sis...jazakallah for the long post...it actually makes a lot of sense and your intuition was in fact quite on track as i did reach my limits...i am currently at my cousin's place which is a few hours away from where i was...it got so bad on friday that i called 911...

my cousin had invited both my husband and me to come visit them but he started not feeling good and said he couldn't go all that way and they asked me to come alone and i said yes...my husband said u can do whatever u want...the next day he told him parents...first his dad talked to me i said i was stressed and wanted to go he kept asking me why tel me tell me...i couldn't coz i knew they wouldn't understand and just corner me...he was nice but then he said talk to my wife and when she started talking i just started getting out of control....and crying and breathing really fast...my FIL kept telling my husband to go get me water coz i was crying so hard but he said i won't she's always acting and all she knows is just to cry...and i'm through with her she will be fine when i hang up...my hysteria got to the point where my whole body was numb and i couldn't breathe properly...my husband just hung up the phone and threw it near me and i picked it up and called 911 and they came and helped me overcome my anxiety attack...i told them what had happened with my husband and in laws...then i called my cousin and he got me a ticket rite away...

my husband when talking to his parents said that he didn't care for me nemore and i could go and file from here and he did not go to even drop me at the airport and did not even talk to me after that whole incident...it actually just made leaving a little easier...i just feel so relieved that i am here amongst people who understand me and are supportive of me...he didn't bother to call me after that...but my FIL called my cousin and talked for a bit with him....i am just going to stay here and see what happens...may Allah guide me to make the right decision....i will keep updating and i will post some more in direct response to you post Muslimah Sis and i definitely aagree with most of what you said...

:w:

[Snowflake]

Salam again sweet sis,

Sorry for the late reply. I wrote a reply two days ago but half way I stopped to consult a scholar. I was given another number and was asked to call back later. I got a bit late and then no one answered. So I didn't submit my post. Since then I was busy with my family as something bad had happened. But alhumdulillah everyone is OK. I'm going to copy-paste my previous reply without reading it. I know if I start doing that, I'll end up editing bits and pieces, which'll mean another two days delay lol!

My two day old reply...
I'm lost for words sis. I can imagine what a horrible exprience this was for you. And I'm glad you are away at the moment. Some distance will be good for you to reflect on the choices you have to make and also to give you some much needed respite.


When I hear of marital problems, I don't automatically suggest that divorce is THE way out. But rather, I come to that view after observing and recognising the behavior and mentality of those involved as well as how high the probability of change is. I also observe each party's willingness to reconcile their differences, as well as their lack of interest to do so.


From what I gather, and I may be wrong, a tiny part of you is still hesitant about ending this marriage? The final decision should be yours as only you know how much more you can take. And only you really know what the emotion/reason behind this hesitancy is. It could be a ray of hope/the way your mind was conditioned about striving to sustain a marriage (in adversity)/ the thoughts of your parents having to explain to people why their daughter got divorced, the stigma, or even your own need to exhaust all attempts to change things for the better.


Naturally, from an outsiders perspective, and seeing your suffering, I'm inclined to suggest that you put your welfare first. But at the same time I also appreciate that a part of you remains hesistant (from the reasons I mentioned).


With that, I favour that the ultimate decision should be yours. However, I can help in making you come to a decision - which maybe to stay or to go.


First: As you're sure that your husband displays signs of HFA, you must also aware what this means. That is that, autistic people do not understand other people's emotions/way of thinking. They assume that everyone thinks like them. And when they find that they don't, they don't like it and often become angry.
This is a classic example as to why your husband gets angry when you object to him confiding in his mother. He thinks you think the same way and he sees no wrong with what he does, but with you objections. That is because the autistic imagination does not connect with the emotional. However, to say all autistics are the same would be like saying all nonautistic people are the same. There are some very upright, and fair, honest and straightforward people with this condition. Therefore I would say it'd be wrong to assume that every aspect of your husbands behavior is due to to autism. It could simply be traits in his nature.





Secondly: let's say, your husband begins therapy. This will not make him nonautistic, but will only teach him to pretend to understand other people's emotions and how to deal with them. He will feel the same inside, but learn not to react negatively. This will be a facade. Like a person wearing a mask to hide their real identity. Even then, there is no short cut to this.



Thirdly: What if despite therapy, there is no change? As like I said before some of what he does may be attributed to his nature?



Fourthly: And without therapy, what will life with your husband entail? A constant struggle for you to not do things which make him angry? Allowing him to do things which make you unhappy but for him are logical? If you have children, repeating the whole process to make them understand why daddy is the way he is? Note: Autism also has a high degree of heritability.



Fifthly: Autism is not catagorised as a mental illness but rather
a developmental disorder. What does Islam say about marriage to such persons? Let's see:

It was here that I stopped here to ring the scholar and saved my reply.

So now I can't advise accordingly. I really wanted to know what a scholar advises in your situation and your husband's condition. But inshaAllah I will keep trying.


However, for now, firstly, I pray you are well inshaAllah. And secondly sis, sensing your hesitation, to remind you that you have two choices. One is to struggle on and on with no sign/guarantee of betterment in your marriage. And secondly accepting that you cannot do this on your own and to stop thinking that it is your responsibility to solve everyone else's problems, which they don't have any interest in solving themselves.


Your husband has already told you to file for divorce. He's already said that he doesn't care for you. Life isn't a fairytale sis. Sometimes, we think that our love, dedication and loyalty, will one day make another person realise our value. But that rarely happens. And even if it does, it's their selfishness that made them realise you ARE good for them. That's when they usually get kicked in the teeth by others then they start thinking that you were the best after all. So even then they change, it's only cuz they think it's good for them. Very few people will do it from fear of Allah.


There's also the guilt factor. We may be unhappy, yet we'll be thinking that by ending the marriage we are 'ruining' someone else's life. But the way we have to look at it is that by letting someone go, far from being selfish, we are actually providing them with the chance to find happiness with someone who they'll get on better with. Sometimes, people are just incompatible - moreso with the absence of deen in their lives. I don't know if your husband meant what he said, but either way, in light of the rest of the circumstances, it shouldn't make a difference in you thinking about your own welfare first.



What I want to say is that, everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone has the right to seek happiness. Allah has made marriage a means of tranquility, security and spiritual and physical comfort for both husband and wife.

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them...." Qur'an: Ar-Rum:21


That's how a marriage should be. Not suffering needlessly. I'm not saying we should run for the door at the first sign of trouble. But when there is no cooperation, no understanding, no communication and after passing time, nothing to suggest that things will improve, I think it's time to think about yourself.

Life is beautiful and it is there to be enjoyed. It shouldn't be a burden. Not endlessly anyway. You have a chance to grab the life you want to live happily, feeling safe, secure, loved and wanted. Why waste the most beautiful years of your youth with someone who doesn't care?


For now, if you want, if you have the strength, try a little bit more... wait a bit more if you have to. But please, please, don't keep on fighting if in the depths of your heart you know it'll be in vain. There is nothing more harmful then when we fool ourselves into thinking something can be which can't.


take care dear sis,

I hope you reply soon

luv,

ur sis : )

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
dear Muslimah_Sis,
jazakallah again for going to the trouble of finding out the truth and getting it to me... i hope everything is good with your family...

From what I gather, and I may be wrong, a tiny part of you is still hesitant about ending this marriage? The final decision should be yours as only you know how much more you can take. And only you really know what the emotion/reason behind this hesitancy is. It could be a ray of hope/the way your mind was conditioned about striving to sustain a marriage (in adversity)/ the thoughts of your parents having to explain to people why their daughter got divorced, the stigma, or even your own need to exhaust all attempts to change things for the better.

i am just in the thinking stage rite now...but whenever i think it seems that i cannot imagine my life the way it was...at times it seems it wasn't hard but through it all i remember one thing i was lonely the whole time...i couldn't share anything with my husband...it is a huge decision and i do understand that in the end it has to be my own and at the point i am now i feel like i can never go back...my parents don't want me to go back either...coz i know they know that i will be miserable and seeing your child unhappy must be really tough even though i can't imagine what it's like...i guess i just need to think a bit more about it right now but i don't think that i will be able to go back to the same situation again...

First: As you're sure that your husband displays signs of HFA, you must also aware what this means. That is that, autistic people do not understand other people's emotions/way of thinking. They assume that everyone thinks like them. And when they find that they don't, they don't like it and often become angry.
This is a classic example as to why your husband gets angry when you object to him confiding in his mother. He thinks you think the same way and he sees no wrong with what he does, but with you objections. That is because the autistic imagination does not connect with the emotional. However, to say all autistics are the same would be like saying all nonautistic people are the same. There are some very upright, and fair, honest and straightforward people with this condition. Therefore I would say it'd be wrong to assume that every aspect of your husbands behavior is due to to autism. It could simply be traits in his nature.

i feel like he does display those signs but the only problem is that i don't have any proof...though what you're saying makes sense and whatever i read up on autism a whole lot of things made sense and were similar...and yes it could be due to his nature also...

Secondly: let's say, your husband begins therapy. This will not make him nonautistic, but will only teach him to pretend to understand other people's emotions and how to deal with them. He will feel the same inside, but learn not to react negatively. This will be a facade. Like a person wearing a mask to hide their real identity. Even then, there is no short cut to this.
Thirdly: What if despite therapy, there is no change? As like I said before some of what he does may be attributed to his nature?

there can be no question of therapy...i don't think they will agree to it...and it is absolutely right that even if he does go to therapy its not really going to change anything...the only thing is when i look to a future with him and when i think about kids i'm just like handling him and handling kids even normal ones (all that is in Allah's hands) will be extremely tough and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...

Fifthly: Autism is not catagorised as a mental illness but rather
a developmental disorder. What does Islam say about marriage to such persons? Let's see:

i will inshallah be waiting to see if u can find information on that...another thing is that if that is the truth and it was hidden from me then it was a huge deceit on their part...and i don't think i can live with that all my life...even them hiding the facts like how my husband was doing drugs and drinking and smoking made me upset especially when my MIL was laways after me to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't doing nehting...i felt more like an agent than a wife coz she was always teahing me not to trust him but even then i did...i understand her point of view as well as she's watching out for her son but not at the expense of someone else's life..

i also talked to this person who is learned in Islam and he is also a doctor and after i had told him my whole situation he said that the first thing i should do is leave for a while and think about it and also to tell his family to have him psychologically evaluated...

However, for now, firstly, I pray you are well inshaAllah. And secondly sis, sensing your hesitation, to remind you that you have two choices. One is to struggle on and on with no sign/guarantee of betterment in your marriage. And secondly accepting that you cannot do this on your own and to stop thinking that it is your responsibility to solve everyone else's problems, which they don't have any interest in solving themselves

i am masahllah doing well now as i am mentally at peace relatively as i was before...i do feel that it is pointless to struggle on but sometimes i feel that maybe i might be perceiving everything wrong and its supposedly different? but i don't think that is so...my heart is inclined towards leaving...

What I want to say is that, everyone deserves to be happy. And everyone has the right to seek happiness. Allah has made marriage a means of tranquility, security and spiritual and physical comfort for both husband and wife.

i know everyone does deserve to be happy and if ure not happy in ure marriage it becomes a living hell....

For now, if you want, if you have the strength, try a little bit more... wait a bit more if you have to. But please, please, don't keep on fighting if in the depths of your heart you know it'll be in vain. There is nothing more harmful then when we fool ourselves into thinking something can be which can't.

i guess one last try is to have the family talk with each other...like my FIL called yesterday and talked to my cousin and tells him that she stays quiet and does not tell me nething and she had a new friend who turned her against all of us and under her influence she is doing all of this...but then my MIL said the same stuff about my mom and sis too and my family so i can expect that of them...and i just did not say nething to him as i felt that none of them would understand what i was getting at...

otherwise we'll see what life has instore for me and inshallah whatever it is I have total faith in Allah that whatever it will be it will be for my best...

thank you so much again...please remember me in your prayers...
May Allah give you and you family all the happiness and health with Iman in this world and Hereafter...

:w:

[Snowflake]

:sl:
dear Muslimah_Sis,
jazakallah again for going to the trouble of finding out the truth and getting it to me... i hope everything is good with your family...

Wa iyya kum. JazakAllah, my family are coping well alhumdulillah.

i am just in the thinking stage rite now...but whenever i think it seems that i cannot imagine my life the way it was...at times it seems it wasn't hard but through it all i remember one thing i was lonely the whole time...i couldn't share anything with my husband...it is a huge decision and i do understand that in the end it has to be my own and at the point i am now i feel like i can never go back...my parents don't want me to go back either...coz i know they know that i will be miserable and seeing your child unhappy must be really tough even though i can't imagine what it's like...i guess i just need to think a bit more about it right now but i don't think that i will be able to go back to the same situation again...

I can imagine how lonely you felt sis. And I am glad you are thinking that you can't spend the rest of your life feeling that way. I've fought my battles in life sis, and one thing that I've learnt is that each time we fight a losing battle, it doesn't harm anyone but ourselves. Whatever our reasons for fighting are, the end result is always that with each battle we lose a bit of our confidence, self-esteem and hope that life can ever bring happiness for us again. The worst thing is when we start believing that happiness evades us because there must be something wrong with us. I have thoughts like that about myself and I don't want you to get to the stage where that's what you start believing. Alhumdulillah, the fact that your parents are on your side, will make it easier for you to come to a decision soon. : )

the only thing is when i look to a future with him and when i think about kids i'm just like handling him and handling kids even normal ones (all that is in Allah's hands) will be extremely tough and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...

I agree sis.

i will inshallah be waiting to see if u can find information on that...

I spoke to the scholar and according to him, your husband's suspected condition doesn't make the nikah invalid, i.e. marriage to such persons is jaiz. But that with any marriage, it should be assessed beforehand if the person is capable of fulfilling his duties as a husband. He also said that although his family hid some facts of his past, again it doesn't make the nikah invalid, although it is not sincere to conceal such things.

i also talked to this person who is learned in Islam and he is also a doctor and after i had told him my whole situation he said that the first thing i should do is leave for a while and think about it and also to tell his family to have him psychologically evaluated...

Like you said, I doubt his family will have him psychologically assessed. But I agree with the doctor.. stay where you are now and inshaAllah your mind will become clearer as to what you want to do next.

i am masahllah doing well now as i am mentally at peace relatively as i was before...i do feel that it is pointless to struggle on but sometimes i feel that maybe i might be perceiving everything wrong and its supposedly different? but i don't think that is so...my heart is inclined towards leaving...

Alhumdulillah, I feel so relieved to hear you're feeling at peace now. : ))
I don't think you're perceiving anything wrongly, e.g. your husband telling his mother intimate/personal things that only concern you both and seeing nothing wrong with it. It is wrong. Don't let your good-nature confuse you into thinking that somehow you are to blame for your husband's faults.

i guess one last try is to have the family talk with each other..

There is nothing to lose in doing that inshaAllah. Would your husband be willing to participate? I don't see any point if he isn't. Make it clear that you don't want to be doing this again & again and that is the time when everyone can have their say, lest it drags on and on. It might be a good idea to have a third party involved who is unbiased in his advice and judgement.

otherwise we'll see what life has instore for me and inshallah whatever it is I have total faith in Allah that whatever it will be it will be for my best..

When it comes to personal fulfilment, life is what we choose it to be. We can carry on bashing our heads against a brick wall, or we can walk away and take another path. Allah subhana wa ta'ala has given us the right and intelligence to decide what is best for us. I strongly believe that the feeling we get in our hearts is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If you're inclined to leave behind this unhappy life, then inshaAllah, Allah's blessings will be with you.

thank you so much again...please remember me in your prayers...
May Allah give you and you family all the happiness and health with Iman in this world and Hereafter...

All praise is to Allah, we only do what Allah puts in our hearts. Of course I shall keep you in my prayers inshaAllah. Ameen to your duaa - thank you.

Hope to hear from you soon inshaAllah. Fi aman Allah hun. : )

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

I spoke to the scholar and according to him, your husband's suspected condition doesn't make the nikah invalid, i.e. marriage to such persons is jaiz. But that with any marriage, it should be assessed beforehand if the person is capable of fulfilling his duties as a husband. He also said that although his family hid some facts of his past, again it doesn't make the nikah invalid, although it is not sincere to conceal such things.

if they were not sincere from the beginning its hard to believe that they ever will be...sometimes things can change but hiding such a huge fact and expecting that the other person will just accept it later in life is just unbelievable and it just makes me so upset...i guess the nikah is not invalidated but still it makes me feel so bad that even though i accepted the drug fact but what if him being autistic is true??that will always be in my mind!!

There is nothing to lose in doing that inshaAllah. Would your husband be willing to participate? I don't see any point if he isn't. Make it clear that you don't want to be doing this again & again and that is the time when everyone can have their say, lest it drags on and on. It might be a good idea to have a third party involved who is unbiased in his advice and judgement.

i'm not sure whether he will participate...i have not received any phone calls from him...his father called a couple of times and talked to my cousin and even then he is saying things like she was influenced by some new friends she made...i don't think they'll ever get my point of view!!

When it comes to personal fulfilment, life is what we choose it to be. We can carry on bashing our heads against a brick wall, or we can walk away and take another path. Allah subhana wa ta'ala has given us the right and intelligence to decide what is best for us. I strongly believe that the feeling we get in our hearts is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. If you're inclined to leave behind this unhappy life, then inshaAllah, Allah's blessings will be with you.

you're right...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...i don't know maybe its because people around me also tell me it might be tough but in my own heart also i feel that way...but sometimes i'm just not sure...but i do believe that whatever decision i make it will inshallah be for my best...jazakallah and take care...with lots of love and duas
:w:

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam/peace ,

:sl:



...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...

may Allah , the most kind , ever merciful grant what is good for ur this life & the life hereafter , Ameen.

U are in my prayer .

[Snowflake]

=Anonymous Tester;713185]:sl:

if they were not sincere from the beginning its hard to believe that they ever will be...sometimes things can change but hiding such a huge fact and expecting that the other person will just accept it later in life is just unbelievable and it just makes me so upset...i guess the nikah is not invalidated but still it makes me feel so bad that even though i accepted the drug fact but what if him being autistic is true??that will always be in my mind!!

I think if you did find that they'd lied to you, it would've been easy to forgive them if following that they had been sincere and you'd had a happy marriage otherwise. But the way things have turned out will only magnify the fact that they never were sincere to begin with. And you're right that is not forgettable when nothing good has come out of it.

i'm not sure whether he will participate...i have not received any phone calls from him...his father called a couple of times and talked to my cousin and even then he is saying things like she was influenced by some new friends she made...i don't think they'll ever get my point of view!!

Sadly, I agree. There just seems to be too big a difference in your and their mentality and beliefs. But them saying that your M.I.L was influenced by her new friend is a poor excuse to justify her behavior. After all was she any different before her new friend came along? :-\

you're right...i have been doing istikhara for so many days...i still have doubts in my mind but when i think about not going back i feel at peace and when i think about going back to the same routine with my husband i feel agitated...i don't know maybe its because people around me also tell me it might be tough but in my own heart also i feel that way...but sometimes i'm just not sure...but i do believe that whatever decision i make it will inshallah be for my best...jazakallah and take care...with lots of love and duas

I don't think the doubts are there cuz people telling you that it'll be tough. Cuz, when we really believe in something, other people's views don't really affect us. I think you know deep down, i.e. it's your gut instinct, that it'll be difficult if not impossible to sustain this marriage.

I remember sis when I was due to get marriage. My hubby-to-be seemed 100% genuine. People were telling me that I was lucky and all that kind of stuff. I could tell they felt envious of the fact that I'd found someone like him. Yet I was scared, nervous and something kept telling me not to marry him. I couldn't pinpoint why, but all my instincts were saying RUN!!!!! I remember a couple of days before the nikah, I rang a friend in tears and told her I was petrified. She told me it was too late to back out now and that it was the shaytaan trying to prevent me from doing a good deed (nikah). Even so I remember being alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out, out of fear that I couldn't explain. It was so strong that I was literally shaking and almost hyperventilating cuz I was crying so hard. Yet despite all that I still went ahead with it. And surprise surprise it turned out to be a huge mistake.

So follow your instincts sis. Astaghfirullah, If I'm wrong but I strongly believe that, that lil voice that warns us from something is guidence from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. Listen to it sis.

Please reply soon.. am wondering how you're doing? : )

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Sadly, I agree. There just seems to be too big a difference in your and their mentality and beliefs. But them saying that your M.I.L was influenced by her new friend is a poor excuse to justify her behavior. After all was she any different before her new friend came along?

they meant not my MIL but me...i had made a new friend recently and they feel that she was the one who influenced my decision to do what i did and as she helped me like taking me to the airport and i left alot of stuff with her...my MIL hates my sis and this friend was introduced to me by my sis like i got her number from my sis and she was so nice from the beginning and helped me throughout whenever i needed her help....so they feel that she told me to do what i did or encouraged me to do so...but for some reason i feel like she was also sent to just help me out....my husband and MIL never liked the people i liked...and i knew they would be blaming things on me as they were already doing that from before...

I remember sis when I was due to get marriage. My hubby-to-be seemed 100% genuine. People were telling me that I was lucky and all that kind of stuff. I could tell they felt envious of the fact that I'd found someone like him. Yet I was scared, nervous and something kept telling me not to marry him. I couldn't pinpoint why, but all my instincts were saying RUN!!!!! I remember a couple of days before the nikah, I rang a friend in tears and told her I was petrified. She told me it was too late to back out now and that it was the shaytaan trying to prevent me from doing a good deed (nikah). Even so I remember being alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out, out of fear that I couldn't explain. It was so strong that I was literally shaking and almost hyperventilating cuz I was crying so hard. Yet despite all that I still went ahead with it. And surprise surprise it turned out to be a huge mistake.

i know...i just can't think of going back and i know there will be people who will be telling me otherwise but i just feel better this way and even though life will be tougher this way atleast inshallah i will have mental peace...i will update more soon...otherwise i'm doing ok alhamdolillah...take care...and keep me in your duas...
:w:

[Snowflake]

Anonymous Tester;714632]:sl:

they meant not my MIL but me...i had made a new friend recently and they feel that she was the one who influenced my decision to do what i did and as she helped me like taking me to the airport and i left alot of stuff with her...my MIL hates my sis and this friend was introduced to me by my sis like i got her number from my sis and she was so nice from the beginning and helped me throughout whenever i needed her help....so they feel that she told me to do what i did or encouraged me to do so...but for some reason i feel like she was also sent to just help me out....my husband and MIL never liked the people i liked...and i knew they would be blaming things on me as they were already doing that from before...

Sorry, I misunderstood. It doesn't matter what your M.I.L or husband think anymore. Just keep thinking of yourself inshaAllah.

i know...i just can't think of going back and i know there will be people who will be telling me otherwise but i just feel better this way and even though life will be tougher this way atleast inshallah i will have mental peace...i will update more soon...otherwise i'm doing ok alhamdolillah...take care...and keep me in your duas...

Have faith in Allah and InshaAllah things won't be tough for you sis. Allah subhana wa ta'ala is AL-WALIYY (The Protector) and AL-WAHHÂB (The Bestower). Pray to Him and He will help you in your affairs and make them easy for you. Alhumdulillah, good to hear you're feeling better. Stay strong and focused sis. You'll be in my duaas inshaAllah. :)

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
some new developments occurred...my husband filed a missing person's report saying that i had left without telling him where i was...i had no idea as i had not talked to him for so long...he didn't call and i was not going to call after how he treated me when i left...his dad knew where i was and si did he but he's just lying to make it seem as if he is the good person and is very concerned about my safety...
on top of that he called my cousin and told him that if she doesn't contact me i will contact the police even though he had already done that before and the police told him that from the way you are telling us we know she's not missing...i called the police station up and asked them...actualy just to tell them that i'm not missing and they said that your husband called and this is what he said but we could tell that u were not missing....
on top of that he emailed all my family and friends saying that i had been missing and that he was really concerned for my safety...the ones who knew where i am called me and forwarded me the email and the rest are probably just worried as they are sitting in different parts of the world and are probably calling my parents to find out how i am!!!
hhe kept calling and calling and i finally said ok i will talk to him...when i did...he just said u left without telling me and i was sleeping just come back...i was like listen i'm still not well and i want to stay here for a bit more and think things through and i can't tell u now what i want coz i don't know and he's like tel me tell me....and i was like i can't talk and gave the phone to my cousin...then he was rude to my cousin...then his mom called after a bit and started screaming at my cousin's wife that i'll take u to court etc...she hung up...then she called my aunt...and harassed her...

they're just acting crazy now and trying every way to make me come back...and pressurize me into coming back...but i don't wanna go coz i know now that they are not going to change...plaease pray that Allah give me strength to face whatever comes my way...Ameen!!
:w:

[Snowflake]

Salam sis,

Sorry for the late reply.. been absent for a few days. But seriously, throughout reading your post, one word kept bouncing round in my head - DIVORCE! These people's behavior is so pathetic and like you said it's unlikely to change. God knows why your MIL threatened your cousin with court, it's not like they kidnapped you for heaven's sake. It just goes to show how illogical their thinking is. I'm glad you didn't go back and I hope you don't even let it enter your mind. Get rid sis and live the life you want. I can't see even one reason to suggest you stay. You need to recuperate mentally and cut off all contact with them. Then make the decision that's best for you (which is obvious) and get the ball rolling to start a new life without grief inshaAllah. I wish you all the best hun. May Allah's help be with you all the way.

[Snowflake]

salam sis, :)

I hope all is well with you inshaAllah. I missing you girl. Please drop a line to say you're ok. :-\ :(

((hugz))

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....
:w:

[lyesh]

:sl:


I read this thread from the beginning to the end!!! dear sister, I can feel what ur going through! I myself am going thru some problems with my in laws... but Alhamdulillah my husband is always by my side and he is so nice and caring to me.

I can feel ur pain when u feel ur all alone. but sister, Ur not alone... we are all here for u insha Allah. and on top of all Allah is there for u!

from what i have read from this post, I imagined that u are masha Allah being patient with the way ur in laws are treating u... i can imagine tht if it was me, I wud have left the whole place sooner! may Allah reward u for ur patience! ameen!

As my point of view... I would say that the decision u have taken is now the best for u! These people doesnt seem like trying to improve... rather they seem like trying to make the situation worse and tear up ur life! dear sister, I would say that it would be better for u to get a divorce from that man! He seems to be so immature... How will u handle all this if u get kids... Alhamdulillah, maybe Allah is taking u out of this before things get worse :).

I hope everything works out for u sister! I can feel ur pain :cry:. And I can imagine how lonely u'd feel... khair, insha Allah.

keep us updated sis... we would like to know every single bit of how things are going. and dont say sorry for your long posts... Its good that u tell us all this.. we are worried abt u! and Insha Allah we'll help u as much as we can!

May Allah give u strength in what ur facing, and may He grant u success! ameen!

:w:

[Snowflake]

:sl:
sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....
:w:

aslamu alaikum dear sis,

Alhumdulillah, I'm so glad to have heard from you. I back your decision all the way hun. Allah knows you tried your best and suffered in the process. But inshaAllah no more. I hope your divorce comes through soon inshaAllah. MashaAllah you are sounding stronger than you've been in ages. I pray to Allah to bless the decision you have taken. And to bestow His mercy, peace and blessing on you, in your new life. Ameen.

I am here for you sis. Take good care of yourself and keep us posted.

Love & hugs

ur sis :)

[Grace Seeker]

:sl:
sorry i have not been able to post anything lately...i came back and have been staying at a friend's house...things have been going ok...i have started the initial process of filing the divorce...i was looking for lawyers to find the right one...i have been talking to a social worker for quite a few months and she helped me out to find a good lawyer...i just hope everything goes well inshallah....

i am doing fine otherwise...sometimes the whole situation gets overwhelming but once i am settled in one place i will feel better....just this moving around gets a little tough....it's so hard when i think about all the things that they have said to use it against me...and i know this is just the beginning....there is no contact now though....i think it is better this way as no matter what i say they use against me...i am just hoping that this process gets done quickly so that i can get on with my life!!!

thank you so much for remembering...it matters so much to me now...i am in touch with my parents who are also worried for me as they are so far away...but i'm just glad that i have had so many avenues opening up for me and so many people helping me out in every way possible....
:w:

Dear sister,

I am glad to hear that you are alright, at least phyiscally. No doubt this has been and will continue to be an emotionally trying time for you. I had intended to write to you more, but it seemed obvious to me that Muslim Sis was saying the things you needed to hear here.

I also sensed that you had made your decision and just needed time to follow through on it. I see that you are doing that now. I cannot celebrate it; I can never celebrate the end of something that should have been a blessing. But it was not what it was intended to be, and perhaps this is the best resolution one can hope for. I am sorry for you, and for the pain that you are enduring. No doubt, as you continue down your present course there will continue to be some more pain. There will likely be accussations. Some of them may even have a touch of truth to them, and those will sting all the more so. But that doesn't mean that what you are now in the process of is wrong.

You will find yourself in need of much strength for this journey. You will need physical strength because enduring anything can wear on us and mental/emotional stress actually make it hard to stay physically well. So, do take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Get exercise. Spend some time outside each day in the sunshine to fight off depression. Spend some time with your feet up each day to fight off exhaustion. And go for a short walk at least once a day to maintain your energy.

You will need mental toughness and an ability to emotionally rebound. When a marriage fails, one of the first questions people ask is "What went wrong?" Even if you don't hear them uttered to you, you can be sure that there are those asking the question, and there are those trying to provide an answer. Must likely your husband and his family will engage in this sort of activity. And just as you feel like you could point to many things in your relationship with him and his family that were not right, so that will point the finger (no doubt) back at you. I suggest that you don't even allow yourself to get caught up in that game. What will it benefit anyone to even answer that question right now? Will it change things? Will it make life better? No, while that might have been an important question if there had been a commitment to do something about it, the time for addressing that question is past. So, let them say what they wish to say, it means nothing anymore. Not only does it mean nothing to you, it means nothing at all. You don't have to defend yourself from it, you certainly don't have to listen to it, and if you even care about it (one way or the other) you are just hurting yourself. Moving on is moving on. There words should mean no more to you than those of a stranger in the street. If you wear a veil, keep it on even in his presence, for he is not your husband anymore. And you are not to show yourself to him, not physically and not emotionally.

You will need to be healthy spiritually. Of course that means the usual in terms of worship. But it also means finding fellowship with others that you can connect with on a spiritual level. It means finding that which fills you up and then getting yourself filled up in that way. The last thing you want to do duringt a stressful time is run around on empty. So take ever oppotuntiy you can find to fill yourself with that which enriches your spirit.

God be with you.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
i am still staying at my friend's house...my hearing was set for may 24 but it was then postponed for june 5...i was so upset coz i found out just one day before the hearing that it was postponed....but like my friend was telling me that it was probably not the right time and that everything will happen at its own time....so i am still waiting to see what will happen...i am trying to keep myself busy...just keeping my mind off of my problems...please pray for me that everything happens for my best in the future...i am just so thankful for the fact that Allah helped me meet with people who are able and willing to help me out especially with my parents being so far away...for me it is a huge blessing....jazakallah khair...
:w:

[Snowflake]

InshaAllah everything will be alright sis. Stay close to Allah in His rememberance and He will help you in your affairs. May Allah bless you with much peace, happiness and imaan inshaAllah. Ameen.


P.S. Please forgive me, If I don't reply to any future posts from you sis. I won't be coming on as much. Just take care of yourself inshaAllah. :) *hugz*

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
i want to thank all the people who come here and provide support to all who are in need of help...i have received so much support here and its just been great...

i'm doing much better now...last week was my first hearing and it was so difficult...i had to go alone and it was probably one of the most painful and difficult things i have had to do...it took me a week to recover from it as i was feeling so depressed as my husband and MIL were so mean to me and said so many hurtful and wrong things....they even did a case on me saying i married my husband fraudulently.....it was just very very upsetting....i felt so alone and powerless...but i know that Allah is watching and inshallah these experiences that i have had will make me a stronger and better person inshallah...please keep remembering me in your prayers and may Allah help all those who are facing difficulties and shower His blessings on us all!!Ameen...

:w:

[skhalid]

divorce os the last resort.........
i believe you can make your marriage work...in every marriage there are problems, some due to inlaws and others just normal arguments you get with a wife and husband relationship...my advice is to do what you think is right sista and I wish you all the best..Allah is with you :)
and you'll always be in my prayers..if you need anymore advice because from what I know there might be problems in which you don't want to mention on here..so PM me anytime! :)

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:
may Allah help all those who are facing difficulties and shower His blessings on us all!!Ameen...

:w:

:w:



Sis , why u have to go alone......u don't have any freind / neighbour ?

Anyway , have pateince , pl. Allah loves those who have pateince.

may Allah grant u that is good for u in this life & the life hereafter . Ameen.

[MuhammadRizan]

:sl:

this is my opinion,

u will never solve this problem alone, i think u should try to take third person to gather the family including yours to discuss about this problem.

maybe u can try to get help from elder member of your family ur grandpa, uncle etc.

this is test from Allah, never give up and lose hope,