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noahs_arc
03-09-2007, 11:32 AM
:sl:

my parents are not happily married.
they do not talk to eachother and constantly fight and argue. this has started to reflect upon my siblings now. i cannot remeber a time in my life where we have been a happy family even though my mother claims we are. i feel that because i have never seen my parents show any kind of affection towards each other this has reflected greatly on me and my siblings. it has reflected on me as my best firend is the complete opposite to my father. and every day i don't want to be at home my love for my friend grows stronger. i really think now that he is the only thing keeping my alive.

my paretns' relationsip is also affecting my siblings. my brothers have begun to swear at eachother and at my parents. my mother has no real control other them even though she is trying more than she can. my father has no real part in our lives even though he lives and eats with us evryday. if there is a situation where my brothers go out of control my father would escalate the problem, while he is trying to control it.

apart from the swearing they are not really trouble unless provoken. however i do fear they are in bad friendship crowds.


i do not know why i am writing this or what i expect from this post but i would just like to conclude by saying that i do dua and thank Allah tallah for my friend as he is my life. and i also pray my parents be happy but honestly i see them at the brink of divorce.

jazakallah for reading.
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tomtomsmom
03-09-2007, 03:33 PM
I am sorry to hear of your troubles at home. But it is good that you see how this is affecting your brothers. Your parents seem too involved with their own problems to notice this. It is up to you to help guide them into being the type of men they should be. Good luck bro.
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Muslim Woman
03-09-2007, 04:00 PM



I seek refuge in Allah (The One God) from the Satan (devil) the cursed, the rejected

With the name of ALLAH (swt) -The Bestower Of Unlimited Mercy, The Continously Merciful


Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh (May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you)

&&


pl. have patience.....we all have problems :cry:


Have faith in God , try to talk to ur mom or dad or relatives about the solutions. Try to communicate with ur family members with positive attitude . U may talk to a marriage councellor.

Here is a link for advices from professionals


Family > Cyber Counselor

May God bless ur family members , Ameen.



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zircon
03-09-2007, 04:14 PM
salam alaikum... for sure, you and your family are facing a test in which you could choose on the way you are going to react over it. take one thing at a time, and slowly reunite your family inshaAllah. i know its easier said than done. anyway, trying won't harm. to soften the heart of your other siblings, try repeating 'ya latiif' as much as you can and as often as you could before blowing their heads while they're sleeping. talk to them of your hope and feelings - yes, when they are asleep too. also, do not stop making du'a and have the confidence that Allah is listening and He will make things change for better.

la tahzan.. Allah ma'ak
sorry if i couldnt offer any better advise
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anonymous
03-09-2007, 06:45 PM
aww dats awful, its so horriblw wen ya mum n dada hav a small argument, i jus go offf on 1 maself n jus giv em both the silent treatment- not gud i know, but its da only way u can get thru to em sumtyms, hope things work out between ya parents youll be in ma duas
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AnonymousPoster
03-09-2007, 07:03 PM
Man must be really hard for seeing them fight all the time. but you have to look after your siblings make sure they dont hear them if you are there and ur parents are argueing or not getting on, than take them out.. Children shouldnt have to see or hear fighting. Parents should grow up and start acting like parents..

:w:
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 09:55 PM
Hmm will probably sound like a stupid question but this question is aimed at the girls mostly although it could apply to boys too.

Just wondering, to what extent do you think parents should be allowed to tell their children what they can and cannot do?? Basically, I just hate having to ask permission from my parents to do little things like going out with mates, tooooo errr places likeeeee cinemas, shopping in other cities etc, and what especially gets to me is when they say no, especially since I am now an adult aged 22. So what do you think girls? Do you have to get permission from your parents to go out and have fun or do they consider you an adult and let you do what you want when you want?
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:04 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Hmm will probably sound like a stupid question but this question is aimed at the girls mostly although it could apply to boys too.

Just wondering, to what extent do you think parents should be allowed to tell their children what they can and cannot do?? Basically, I just hate having to ask permission from my parents to do little things like going out with mates, tooooo errr places likeeeee cinemas, shopping in other cities etc, and what especially gets to me is when they say no, especially since I am now an adult aged 22. So what do you think girls? Do you have to get permission from your parents to go out and have fun or do they consider you an adult and let you do what you want when you want?
salams sis..

First ask whether or not Allah would allow you to go any such place, and if the answer is no, then it shouldn't matter whether you're parents care or not :)

Secondly.. with regards to this, i like Ali Ibn Abi Talib's quote...

"Sab'3un ameer, wa Sab'3un Aseer, wa Sab'3un Wazeer... thumma tusaahibuhu wa yusaahibuka"

Seven years Prince, seven a prisoner and seven an advisor/minister.
Then you befriend him and he befriends you.



i.e. in the first 7 years, the child should grow up with leadership qualities and have courage and confidence in himself.

The next seven, that's when you take care of him and the 'do's and dont's" kick in because his intellect starts to build up etc, also means you look out for who he hangs out with and make sure he's not under bad influence etc.

The final seven years (14-22), is when you treat him like your advisor/minister, i.e. you give him some freedom and test how he reacts to it, and also seek his council and advise to give him the feeling of responsibility and maturity. You also encourage him to be self-suficient in terms of work and income etc.


After that, the parents shouldn't interfere with his life, he becomes "equal" to the father. The father can advise if he learns about something wrt his son. But he can't meddle in his private affairs etc.


but really, take a good look at my first paragraph inshalah :)

tc salams
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Islamicboy
03-10-2007, 10:06 PM
I am a guy who is 20 alhumdillah my parents never let me go out with my friends. I am not allowed to stay outside of the house until 8pm and my parents will call me every 30 mins to check on me. Trust me you will thank them in the hereafter inshallah.
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:08 PM
awww jazakaAllah bro.

Ok what really gets to me is how I get treated like a child. Im the eldest. So they really overprotective. And sometimes I feel they dont trust me. And they have no reason not to trust me. I just hate the whole 'Where you going, Who you going with, What you gonna do, and When will you be back?''. Just end up losing it.
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:11 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Islamicboy
I am a guy who is 20 alhumdillah my parents never let me go out with my friends. I am not allowed to stay outside of the house until 8pm and my parents will call me every 30 mins to check on me. Trust me you will thank them in the hereafter inshallah.
Doesnt it get to you tho?! Especially when ya mates are like ''why you not coming' then you have to like lie cos your too embarassed to say ''my mum wont let me'', sounds so babyish!!
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Count DeSheep
03-10-2007, 10:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
awww jazakaAllah bro.

Ok what really gets to me is how I get treated like a child. Im the eldest. So they really overprotective. And sometimes I feel they dont trust me. And they have no reason not to trust me. I just hate the whole 'Where you going, Who you going with, What you gonna do, and When will you be back?''. Just end up losing it.
Have they always been like that?
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
awww jazakaAllah bro.

Ok what really gets to me is how I get treated like a child. Im the eldest. So they really overprotective. And sometimes I feel they dont trust me. And they have no reason not to trust me. I just hate the whole 'Where you going, Who you going with, What you gonna do, and When will you be back?''. Just end up losing it.
lol sis.. i agree it does get annoying esp when you're doin nufn wrong.

but perhaps in ur case their issue is only with cinema and shopping coz of all the dirty pics/scenes n stuff that are all over the place? in which case i guess u could understand where they're coming from?:?

But if its for even things like visiting good friends etc.. who knos maybe if u get married they'll leave the stress 2 ur trusting husband? lol

all the best insh.
:w:
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Man must be really hard for seeing them fight all the time. but you have to look after your siblings make sure they dont hear them if you are there and ur parents are argueing or not getting on, than take them out.. Children shouldnt have to see or hear fighting. Parents should grow up and start acting like parents..

:w:
today mum n dad had an argument and me bein the woc i am snapped big tym at ma dad n gave ma mum silent treatment 4 a bit, I HAAAATTTTTEEEEEEEE IT WHEN THEY NOT ON TALKIN TERMS!!! THEY SO CHILDISH SOMETIMES!! URGH!
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Helena
03-10-2007, 10:13 PM
pretty interesting question sis...

Actually since childhood till now....even thou i am one year younger then u sis....but i still and will continue to ask permission from my mum e.g to go to islamic lectures, going out with mates and even buying stuff adn even going to bath......lol.....its one of my habits/duty that i do soo...

its not something that am forced in to..or pressured...its my will...alhamdulilah...

the bond that i have with my is very unique and strong....i'll do anything for her....wallahi...i have seen my mother faced many things in life.....that i have to learn to understand the purpose of life and the role of my parents.....

and not forgetting underneath our mothers feet lies heaven..how can i possibly reject that sis?....

shes been thru alot for me...how can i not do small things for?....which i will be rewarded later inshAllah.....

the term freedom, being independent, adult....hasnt hit me yet or never will....coz am still my mums little baby...i wish i'd be that......because shes my noor in my life...if my noor disappears....am in darkness....

if i ask my mum for premission i feel proud, comfy, happy of myself...coz am involving my ammi in every part of my life..every sec, min, day....how can i not?......shes my friend....
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:17 PM
I just want to be INDEPENDENT, do what I want to when I want to. Am I asking for too much?
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:17 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
today mum n dad had an argument and me bein the woc i am snapped big tym at ma dad n gave ma mum silent treatment 4 a bit, I HAAAATTTTTEEEEEEEE IT WHEN THEY NOT ON TALKIN TERMS!!! THEY SO CHILDISH SOMETIMES!! URGH!
sorry 2 hear bro :cry:

but mayeb its better to somehow get them in one room and put the cards on the table n say "parents, what is up?"

it will work insh, coz im pretty sure they wouldn't want you knowing why xactly they're in that situation, so they'd prob be forced to show a diplomatic side and play it down and soon after get back to normal...

coz if u take a go at them individually, then they'll start accusing each other of being the cause of you're unhapiness :X which only mkaes it worse :skeleton:

:w:
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Maarya
03-10-2007, 10:17 PM
my parents are like that aswell bt i'm in my mid-late teens lol

i spoke to my mum about it the other day (coz my mates were planning to going out) and she sed to me taht instead of focusing on small things like going out with my mates and persuading my dad to say yes to them, to start focusing on the big things like uni etc and then the small things will come after the big things. which i think is a good point.
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:20 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Maarya
my parents are like that aswell bt i'm in my mid-late teens lol

i spoke to my mum about it the other day (coz my mates were planning to going out) and she sed to me taht instead of focusing on small things like going out with my mates and persuading my dad to say yes to them, to start focusing on the big things like uni etc and then the small things will come after the big things. which i think is a good point.
My dad doesnt say no to me going out so long as its within limits which is cool by me. Just ma mum whos a little OTT - the only reason Im asking this question is because I was talking to a friend and its like all your friends are allowed to do whatever whenever and then theres you whos treated like a child, anyways she was like dont your parents trust you which got me thinking... :rollseyes:rollseyes:rollseyes
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Count DeSheep
Have they always been like that?
And see its comments like that which especially wind me up, its not sympathy Im after, its just a genreal question, please dont talk to me like Im oppressed or something because I can assure you I am not :offended:
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:24 PM
ahahahah lol bro lolwatever I posted that ^^^ comment and I wasnt the original poster of the thread sorry lol
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Helena
03-10-2007, 10:25 PM
erm i am allowed to do what i want to..when and where.....as long as i ask for permission.....alhamdulilah...

asking for permission i have no problem with that at all...alhamdulilah...

being independent its jus scares me hell out of me...lol

with trust i've been allowed to go at certain places with friends.....and that trust is obeyed..alhamdulilah....
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Maarya
03-10-2007, 10:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
My dad doesnt say no to me going out so long as its within limits which is cool by me. Just ma mum whos a little OTT - the only reason Im asking this question is because I was talking to a friend and its like all your friends are allowed to do whatever whenever and then theres you whos treated like a child, anyways she was like dont your parents trust you which got me thinking... :rollseyes:rollseyes:rollseyes
same here, my parents are a alot over-protective

my mates mum was born and bred in pakistan and she lets her go out etc, and my mum was born and bred in UK and she neva lets me go out and my mates like, ur mums born here and she dont let you...bt i think its because my mums grown up here and seh knows what can happen to people if they have too much freedom etc...shes seen it with her own eyes and she doesnt want me to turn out bad, bt then not everyone;s the same, are they? some people are sensible and know their limits and others dont care and do waht they want bt my parents dont understand that...but anyway, they all have their reasons and nothing we say or do can change them
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
My dad doesnt say no to me going out so long as its within limits which is cool by me. Just ma mum whos a little OTT - the only reason Im asking this question is because I was talking to a friend and its like all your friends are allowed to do whatever whenever and then theres you whos treated like a child, anyways she was like dont your parents trust you which got me thinking... :rollseyes:rollseyes:rollseyes
sis im sure countD maybe didnt mean 2annoy :)

but put it this way sis... suppose ur kid wanted 2 go off to some shoppingC or cinema n they're exposed to all this haram stuff, would you mind? A practisin Muslim's answer would prob be ofcourse they would.

But if its just visiting good friends etc and its all halal, then you're parents could be erring allahu alam :)

all the best insh!
:w:
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Pk_#2
03-10-2007, 10:28 PM
:X :omg:

well i have over-protective rents, it aint that bad, usually better.

Urm, but sis, girls need their own space sometimes,

:|

urm...

All the best i dunno what to say,

Atleast they don't tie you up and lock you in a room.

Don't stress inshaAllah!
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:29 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Maarya
same here, my parents are a alot over-protective

my mates mum was born and bred in pakistan and she lets her go out etc, and my mum was born and bred in UK and she neva lets me go out and my mates like, ur mums born here and she dont let you...bt i think its because my mums grown up here and seh knows what can happen to people if they have too much freedom etc...shes seen it with her own eyes and she doesnt want me to turn out bad, bt then not everyone;s the same, are they? some people are sensible and know their limits and others dont care and do waht they want bt my parents dont understand that...but anyway, they all have their reasons and nothing we say or do can change them
No my mum born and bred in oakistan, she doesnt know what its like being young, which is why shes the way she is, wheras all her sisters have been born n bred here and are totally oppiste to her. My dad born here, knows how it is, and is pretty cool with me doing whatever so long as its ok wit ma mum, :rollseyes:rollseyes:rollseyes
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Count DeSheep
03-10-2007, 10:30 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
And see its comments like that which especially wind me up, its not sympathy Im after, its just a genreal question, please dont talk to me like Im oppressed or something because I can assure you I am not :offended:
Since you asked for thoughts from people on the board rather than asking your parents about it directly, I assumed you actually wanted input on how to handle your situation, or thoughts on why your parents may be doing what they're doing. My intention was to learn more about your situation, not to express sympathy. I apologize for trying to be useful. I assure you I shall not make the same mistake again.
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by lolwatever
sis im sure countD maybe didnt mean 2annoy :)

but put it this way sis... suppose ur kid wanted 2 go off to some shoppingC or cinema n they're exposed to all this haram stuff, would you mind? A practisin Muslim's answer would prob be ofcourse they would.

But if its just visiting good friends etc and its all halal, then you're parents could be erring allahu alam :)

all the best insh!
:w:
U know thats exactly what I was asking myself jus a little while ago. Answer would be 'Yeah Id want my kids to have an islamic upbringing but also to have fun''.

Ok mates are planning outing to manchester to do shopping, I live 2hours away, would you parents be ok with you going? Purely to have a laugh??
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Count DeSheep
Since you asked for thoughts from people on the board rather than asking your parents about it directly, I assumed you actually wanted input on how to handle your situation, or thoughts on why your parents may be doing what they're doing. My intention was to learn more about your situation, not to express sympathy. I apologize for trying to be useful. I assure you I shall not make the same mistake again.
:omg::omg::omg::omg::omg::omg:

Sorry
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
U know thats exactly what I was asking myself jus a little while ago. Answer would be 'Yeah Id want my kids to have an islamic upbringing but also to have fun''.
Totally agree sis :)

Ok mates are planning outing to manchester to do shopping, I live 2hours away, would you parents be ok with you going? Purely to have a laugh??
never been to that place sis, but 2b perfectly honest, my friends once invited em to go out with them to similar shoppin place... (not 4 shopping!! lol) but i really really really really felt embaressed and uncomfortable with all these semi naked pictures all over the place and the amount of "stuff" going on... mind u even tho we where just walkin thru.

im nto sure if manchester is same.. but if it is, perhaps that's y ur parents are iffy about it? Perhaps if u told em u wanna go 2some other more conservative/fun place they'd b ok with it?

not tryin 2 take a go @u or nefn.. but u kno wat i mean :thumbs_up

all the best!
tc salams
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anonymous
03-10-2007, 10:39 PM
Hey am going dude whether they like it or not :p
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lolwatever
03-10-2007, 10:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Hey am going dude whether they like it or not :p
but sis as i said in the very first sentence of very first post

First ask whether or not Allah would allow you to go any such place, and if the answer is no, then it shouldn't matter whether you're parents care or not :)
think abt it carefully insh, afterall, friends can turn enemies on DOJ if they ask us to go to places which affect us and we don't say nething about it.

tc all the best
salams
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Malaikah
03-11-2007, 12:06 AM
:sl:

Hey sis your parents are just being normal parents. If anything my parents are even worse. My mum almost had a heart attack when I had to take the train by myself once.

Don't even get me started on going shopping in another city by myself lol... forget city man, they wouldn't even be cool if I'm going to another suburb! :p Well they have lightened up a little lately because I have to be independent to get around some places by myself, like to uni and stuff... and they don't mind me going to friends houses as long as they know who it is. When I was younger I was never allowed to go at my friends houses (probably because they were always parties I wanted to go to.:rollseyes ). I was never allowed to go to cinemas with freinds either... but now that I'm older and 'wiser' (:D) i wouldn't even want to go to those places in the first place! +o( (Haram!).

Maybe it is because I'm older now, or more mature, or simply because they know they can trust me, they have lightened up a lot, but they still don't just let me go out when I want, wherever I want with no strings attached.

Also, I know heaps of parents who let their kids go anywhere, unfortunately their kids just end up going haram places and doing haram stuff... which isn't exactly a good thing.

just relax a little, yeh. :)
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Noor
03-11-2007, 04:01 AM
:sl:

Do you ever think about children whose parents drink and do drugs in their presence? Parents who'd rather have their last 20 dollars spent on intoxicants rather than milk for their kids. Parents who don't give darn whether their child is warm at night or belly is full. Children whose parents have died leaving them the family's cash crop farm to look after. Children who havent reached the age of maturity but are looking after six other siblings.

Compared to the millions in this world, YOUR life is amazing, Alhamdulilah. Also, remember disobedience to your parents is disobedience to Allah swt.
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Ismahaan
03-11-2007, 08:15 AM
:sl:
Why wouldn't you tell your parents where you're going? Unless you have something to hide there is no reason to not tell them. So what if they ask you where you're going, who you're going with and when you'll be back? They care about you and need to know in case you go missing or something happens to you. It doesn't mean that they don't trust you. If they didn't trust you they'd probably never let you out of the house.

No friend should be more important to you than your parents. I'm sure they love you more than any of your friends. I know that you're the grand old age of 22 but to them you'll always be a little girl . You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
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lolwatever
03-11-2007, 08:41 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ismahaan
:sl:
Why wouldn't you tell your parents where you're going? Unless you have something to hide there is no reason to not tell them. So what if they ask you where you're going, who you're going with and when you'll be back? They care about you and need to know in case you go missing or something happens to you. It doesn't mean that they don't trust you. If they didn't trust you they'd probably never let you out of the house.

No friend should be more important to you than your parents. I'm sure they love you more than any of your friends. I know that you're the grand old age of 22 but to them you'll always be a little girl . You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
more importantly we should keep in mind that we should think about whether we have Allah's permission to do things before even our parents decide to agree or not :)

:w:
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Snowflake
03-11-2007, 09:24 AM
Ok mates are planning outing to manchester to do shopping, I live 2hours away, would you parents be ok with you going? Purely to have a laugh??
Sister, is it necessary to go shopping two hours away for a laugh? Women shouldn't go out unless it is necessary. I don't mean you shouldn't enjoy ourselves while you're out. But to choose a destination miles away and that for having a laugh as well, is a bit beyond me and totally unnecessary.

Trust me your mum has every right to worry. I would not even let my son go to another town unaccompanied, never mind a daughter. But the most important reason why your mum wants to restrict you is that until you are married, you are their responsilibility. She justs wants to keep you safe from fitnah and keep your honour and reputation intact.

By the sounds of it, I think you seem to have enough freedom as it is now.

Man I sound like a right old fuddy duddy =O
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Sabbir_1
03-11-2007, 02:53 PM
You may think your parents are being harsh to you, but there just trying to look at for you. protect you. thats what parents do..Your parents where probably like that too, they had to ask there parents permission if they wanted to do something... be happy you got parents watching out for you, there are kids who ain't got parents that don't care about them, Thats why you see the kids messed up in todays society. They be stealing taking drugs and then end up dead
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duskiness
03-11-2007, 03:06 PM
First of all you are not independent - you live in their house.
Secondly - it is always the eldest child battle to push the limits. You should know it by now...
I'm 23 and when I'm at my parents place, I always say (not only my parents but my brother also) where I'm going, when I'll be back and with whom. I don't consider this any limitation on my freedom. it is rather a simple courtesy - it is easier to make any plans (even with dinner!) when you know what other members of family are doing.
And i know they feel better when they know and it doesn't cost me anything, so why not?
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Snowflake
03-11-2007, 07:02 PM
nicely said Duskiness sis :thumbs_up
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aadil77
03-11-2007, 07:21 PM
:sl:
I am also in the same situation, my mum is born and bred in pakistan also and is very protective about me and follows the pakistani culture as children are very rarely allowed to go out in pakistan. I have seen parents who do let there sons go out often and now they're doing drugs. I am much more sensible, but I still obey my parents if they don't want me to go out.

If you think you're not doing anything wrong, then if your parents are fexible just politely tell them that you're going with good company and are not doing anything wrong or haraam. If you're still not allowed then it is your duty to obey Allah's command and respect your parents desicion. Inshallah your situation may change.:thumbs_up
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zircon
03-11-2007, 08:15 PM
my parents are very observant on me and my siblings. we are taught to ask permission even on things like whether we could switch on the tv or play the computer. we've certain rules in this house listed say.. you've to finish homeworks, clean your room, read quran, pray etc etc before you could get what you desire. and cause those are insisted into our lives since childhood, we are used to them and wouldn't put much complaints any longer. for me, it helps us to have respect on our parents as we have to include them in anything we're going to do. (but of course, on certain things, our feelings are taken care of and we could own some decision). moderate enough i guess:D

as for the matter of freedom, i believe that every children is under the complete responsibility of their parents until they get married (for girls, at least). after all, parents will be held accountable of their child. i heard a hadeeth saying that a father will go to heaven if he raised and made 2 of her daughter righteous women. and we need not deny that today's world is very dangerous with tricky booby traps everywhere. if our parents are concerned of where we go, and to whom we befriend, let them be cause it's always better for them to care. if they don't, i'd wonder if they love their kids lol. nevertheless, some parents tend to be very 'open-minded' and let alone whatever their teens want to do. this is called spoiling, isn't it.. we should then congrats those who observe their own children and choose to play the safe side.

anyway, one ques for us to ponder.. what kind of parents we would be like in the future? will we care of how the environment and outer factors will influence the personality/characteristic of our child? will we feel responsible of knowing much abt them? (we might regret later if we don't)

-always give parents their right-
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anonymous
03-11-2007, 09:21 PM
thank you every1 4 ya contribution to the thread, I suppose Im making an issue out of something that I shouldnt really make an issue out of, hmmm I dont know..
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-11-2007, 09:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Hmm will probably sound like a stupid question but this question is aimed at the girls mostly although it could apply to boys too.

Just wondering, to what extent do you think parents should be allowed to tell their children what they can and cannot do?? Basically, I just hate having to ask permission from my parents to do little things like going out with mates, tooooo errr places likeeeee cinemas, shopping in other cities etc, and what especially gets to me is when they say no, especially since I am now an adult aged 22. So what do you think girls? Do you have to get permission from your parents to go out and have fun or do they consider you an adult and let you do what you want when you want?


BRO!!!!!!!!! think of it this way

We obey Allah, we Obey the messenger, and then THIRD AFTER THAT, we OBEY the PARENTS!

SubhanAllah! bro AFTER ALLAH N HIS MESSENGER COME THE PARENTS.


u kno one o the sahabi's use to not eat on the same plate as his mother just incase she reached out for the same food and he ate something she desired thus displeasing her.

Did you know another sahabi (thalabi ibn numan i think) use to always obey his mother and love him and whenever his mother would say something to him and he had not heard it he would politely nod and say he will obey and when she leaves he will ask the ones around to tell him what she said out of fear that making her repeat will displease her.



Wallahi we all especially myself need to seriously realise how important parents are....
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anonymous
03-17-2007, 01:41 PM
whats up with asian parents? i mean seriously....the only courses acceptable to them are medicine, engineering, pharmacy and law.

I desperately want to study History with Arabic at SOAS. but its not good enough, I have to live out their asian dreams of having an engineer son. I can't pursue MY dream, just because they want to live their dreams through me :raging:

any advice on how to handle this?
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mohammed farah
03-17-2007, 01:45 PM
it aint just asians lol its im a somali and my mother want me to be a lawyer or a doctor. when i want to study sports
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AnonymousPoster
03-17-2007, 01:55 PM
Have you talked to them about it, if you don't wanna study those subject's than don't. its your life you make your own decision what you wanna do. Dont try pleasing your parents doing something you don't want to. It will make them happy but not you.

Sit down and talk to them. If they don't agree with you. than just obey them . inshallah You parents just want what is best for you..



wassalam
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strider
03-17-2007, 01:59 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Sit down and talk to them. If they don't agree with you. than just obey them . inshallah You parents just want what is best for you..
Actually, in majority of the cases like this one, they just want what is best for them. Who says the only way to earn a decent living which supports yourself and your family is through acquiring a medicial, engineering or a law degree?

Brother, i suggest you sit down with them and talk to them properly. Let them know your aspirations and your reasons behind it. If that doesn't work, then i still think you should push your case. Maybe get somebody they listen to to reason with them or even get your form tutor to talk to them. I'm sure majority of parents just want to see their children happy.
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AnonymousPoster
03-17-2007, 03:09 PM
Actually, in majority of the cases like this one, they just want what is best for them. Who says the only way to earn a decent living which supports yourself and your family is through acquiring a medicial, engineering or a law degree?
Yes that true. I think the only reason why most parents want there children to to do these subjects is because they hear other asian parents saying how there sons are doctors, engineers. and so they want the same for there child too.. They want a name. they want everyone to know there childs a doctor..

Where are the parents that say they want there children to be Alims. Hafiz of Quran. We've got enough doctors and engineers we need more alims. Knowledge of the deen is dissaperaing. Most of the youth dont even know the fard of ghusl. but they know everything else..

Inshallah yh try talking to them.. and see where it goes from there.
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AnonymousPoster
03-17-2007, 03:18 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester

Where are the parents that say they want there children to be Alims. Hafiz of Quran. We've got enough doctors and engineers we need more alims. Knowledge of the deen is dissaperaing. Most of the youth dont even know the fard of ghusl. but they know everything else..
Exactly. I want to have a job that has something to do with the Deen, but what my parents dislike about it is probably they think I won't earn enough money as I would earn as a lawyer... But I don't understand it. I'll earn the most life can offer being close to the Deen...

I don't always understand parents.

Allahu Alaam.
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AmarFaisal
03-17-2007, 03:22 PM
Well I had the other way round, I wanted to b a doctor whereas my mother didn't want me to go study medicine.
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Pk_#2
03-17-2007, 03:24 PM
lol sis

Its not asian rents, its jus' a fw rents :D
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Kittygyal
03-17-2007, 03:35 PM
salamualikum.
humm maybe thats how it is dearest, talk to your parents about it inshallah, May Maybe thats how they were bought up in there back days and want you to do what they did oh i dunno lol bare different to christain parents indeed.
Hope it goes all well tho Inshallah :) Be happy what you have sis
Ma'assalama
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-17-2007, 04:08 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
whats up with asian parents? i mean seriously....the only courses acceptable to them are medicine, engineering, pharmacy and law.

I desperately want to study History with Arabic at SOAS. but its not good enough, I have to live out their asian dreams of having an engineer son. I can't pursue MY dream, just because they want to live their dreams through me :raging:

any advice on how to handle this?
:salamext:

study islam as much as you whilst keeping them happy :).

Talk to them if you really feel unhappy about it, parents are lovely people trust me :)
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S_87
03-17-2007, 04:39 PM
:sl:

study what you want, its you thats gonna have to work at the job...
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-17-2007, 04:41 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by amani
:sl:

study what you want, its you thats gonna have to work at the job...
:salamext:

perhaps they can compromise sis, its better then one side doing what they completely want right? :?
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AnonymousPoster
03-17-2007, 05:44 PM
This is posted on behalf of a dear sister, I hope you can help her:

My mother is pressurising my younger brother into marrying someone. He doesn't want to, as the girl in question isn't religious at all, and has no intention of following Islam properly.

Every time I protest with my brother's permission, my mother attacks me. I ask her nicely to look for another person for him, but she tears me apart. It has gotten to the point where she tells her sisters that I am worthless, and speaks ill of me to others.

I do not want to ear my mother's anger, but I don't want my brother to be forced into marriage either. Right now, whenever I call my mother she refuses to speak to me, and when she does it is only to tell me how I will go to Hell.

Please, if there are any words of advice, I will be truly grateful.
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-17-2007, 05:49 PM
:salamext:

Thus when they fulfil their term appointed, either take them back on equitable terms or part with them on equitable terms; and take for witness two persons from among you, endued with justice, and establish the evidence (as) before Allah. Such is the admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out,


Surah At-Talaq Verse 2
and i pray that Allah makes a way out for you and your brother.

Truelly this is a test and Allah tests those he loves. My sister, i advise that you keep trying to explain to your parents perhaps with the help of members they respect (elders/imaams etc?), may Allah soften the hearts of your parents, and may he keep you strong with imaan and sabr.

Ameen
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AmarFaisal
03-17-2007, 06:28 PM
Salamolaikum Sister,

I don't know, but mayb ur brother could talk to the girl n see if she can be encouraged to practise Islam,,or just talk to the girl n tell her that he does not want to marry her
Mayb the girl wouldn't want to marry a man who doesn't love her either n back out of this relationship.

I just mean if u cannot make ur mother understand u can make other and such ppl understand ur brother's feelings, who have a say and act in making this relationship.
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Malaikah
03-18-2007, 12:37 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
whats up with asian parents? i mean seriously....the only courses acceptable to them are medicine, engineering, pharmacy and law.

I desperately want to study History with Arabic at SOAS. but its not good enough, I have to live out their asian dreams of having an engineer son. I can't pursue MY dream, just because they want to live their dreams through me :raging:
:sl:

If you really are as desperate as you sound, the solution is simple. Medicine, pharmacy and law need top marks... just make sure your mark isn't good enough to get in!;D Now engineering might be a little tricky... it doesn't really need the best marks... hmm:?

That is if you are really desperate anyway...
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Malaikah
03-18-2007, 12:39 AM
:sl:

Has the guy tried talking to the mum himself?
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noahs_arc
03-18-2007, 11:00 AM
you sound like my little bro. 'they want to live through me'.. they don't..they want to secure you're future in the best means possible and to them this seems to be a cushy job. my asian parents didn't pressurise me into doing one of those courses but after 1 year at uni on the course i choose i want to now study medicine. but its to late. ucas is tricky business and unless you know what you really want to do then do it becuase you won't be happy on a course you don't want to be on and this WILL refelect through your work. =)
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noahs_arc
03-18-2007, 11:03 AM
OH MY..i just read the above post. do NOT jepordise your grades for the sake of not getting into med/law whatever. you will mess up your chances of everything else. your grades play a massive role in ucas especially if you change your mind, or you have to go through clearning. i changed my course 3 times before i started uni. inshallah i hope you really don't jepordise your grades.
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SirZubair
03-18-2007, 11:22 AM
Its not just asian parents, nearly all parents are like that. Because parents have 'been there, done that', they have experienced life more than we have. They try to put pressure on their kids so that their kids get jobs which will pay them well and so that they won't face financial difficulty in the future.

Trust me, if i had listened to my parents when i was younger, i wouldnt spend every waking minute of the day worrying about my Financial situation.

But allhumdulilah, my parents are very supportive, always have been and always will be. I am slowly sorting out my life, and will insha'allah be applying for the Police Force next year, which i am sure i will enjoy, and it pays well too.

But if i could turn back the hands of time ( which i can't ), i would have stopped my whinging and moaning ( hint hint ) and would listen to my parents.
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AvarAllahNoor
03-18-2007, 11:35 AM
I hear this quite a bit. I'm an asian panjabi. - My parents are cool. They don't dictate to me, or preach. They just ofer advice when I should require it. They didn't tell me to be a doctor or lawyer. They just said do what you feel you're good at. Great. I'm one of the lucky ones.

For the OP, I'd tell them you're going to do what you feel you're going to enjoy. (in a nice manner) and I'm sure they'll understand. - I should be thankfull my parents are not like most, and bullying.
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AnonymousPoster
03-18-2007, 11:37 AM
Go to the sister, and tell her ur bro dont wanna marry her so get lost and find someone else.. If she dont believe you. than tell ur bro to record a message and eliver it to her.

Why doesnt ur bro justt ell his mother that he doesnt wanna marry her..
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*Hana*
03-18-2007, 11:45 AM
Salam Alaikum:

I understand in some cultures refusing to marry someone "selected" for you creates all kinds of problems, however, if your brother is forced to marry this girl, the marriage is invalid anyway, according to Islam. He cannot be forced to accept the marriage.

Regardless of the consequences, he should just simply say NO as this is unfair to both him and the girl in question. If she's not following Islam there is a good chance she can lead your brother away from Islam. So there are some far more serious issues than making mom angry. She'll get over it, inshallah. :)

Wishing you and your brother all the best.

Wasalam,
Hana
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anonymous
03-18-2007, 12:34 PM
The sister's reply:

Thank you to those of you who have given your time in replying.

My brother has told my mum lots of times that he does not want to marry this girl, and he wants to marry a religious sister. She is furious by this, but is angered by me more. My mother is religious, but culture seems to sometimes come before that, and that very much worries me.

I have even taken my time out and spoken to the girl involved. I have asked her several questions about marriage and Islam, but the truth is she doesn't want to abide by the latter.

I can tell the girl not to say yes, and my brother can also do that, but the girl's parents are very much set on the idea. So with both sets of parents agreeing, and me and my fellow siblings against the idea it really is a tricky job.

Do we listen to our parents and await a disastrous consequence due to it?

I can try and get an elder to speak to them, but my parents are very stubborn. My father less than my mother, but he is ignoring me at the moment.

Thank you once again.

:w:
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AvarAllahNoor
03-18-2007, 01:34 PM
A parent who curses her own child?? Lord. If my mum did that (she wouldn't though, she is a kind soul) I'd tell her to sort herself out or she would lose me.
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AvarAllahNoor
03-18-2007, 01:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
The sister's reply:

Do we listen to our parents and await a disastrous consequence due to it?

I can try and get an elder to speak to them, but my parents are very stubborn. My father less than my mother, but he is ignoring me at the moment.

Thank you once again.

:w:
My advice is do not allow your parents to ruin your brothers life. Yes we obey them, but not if what they think is right, will end in disaster. - Stubborn or not, let them know you and your siblings, are one and they will lose all if they remain to be stubborn, over Islam.
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- Qatada -
03-19-2007, 03:38 PM
:salamext:


We shouldn't disobey our parents even if they're disbelievers and associate partners with Allaah ^ the only time we can disobey them is if they make us associate partners with Him, but anything which doesn't go islaam - we have to obey them. And breaking family ties is a big sin.

May Allaah make it easy for the sister.
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arif
03-19-2007, 03:51 PM
may allah make it easier for u , sister ...

vll all pray for u ... ameen
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AnonymousPoster
04-03-2007, 07:41 PM
:sl: my parents are not together and all my life my mum looked after me and she provided for us. now i do talk to my dad but everytime i ask for money he makes a big issue (note not much at all!). he says get it from your mum and so on. in islam isnt he the 1 that has to provide his kids with money:confused::w:
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- Qatada -
04-03-2007, 08:12 PM
:salamext:

The reward for spending on one’s wife and children

Question:

What is the reward of a man who spends on his children?


Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

There is a great deal of evidence in the Qur’aan and Sunnah to encourage spending on one’s children and describing the virtue of doing so. This includes:


1 – Evidence from the Qur’aan:


Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):


“but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis”[al-Baqarah 2:233]


“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him”[al-Talaaq 65:7]


“and whatsoever you spend of anything (in Allaah’s Cause), He will replace it. And He is the Best of providers”[Saba’ 34:39]




2 – Evidence from the Sunnah:


There are many reports from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) concerning the virtue of spending on one’s wife and children, especially daughters. For example, Muslim (995) narrated from Abu Hurayrah in a marfoo’ report: “A dinar which you spend for the sake of Allaah, a dinar which you spend on freeing a slave, a dinar which you give in charity to a poor person and a dinar which you spend on your family – the greatest of these in reward is that which you spend on your family.”


It was narrated by Muslim (994) and others from Thawbaan, the freed slave of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in a marfoo’ report: “The best dinar which a man can spend is a dinar which he spends on his children, a dinar which he spends on his riding beast for the sake of Allaah, and a dinar which he spends on his companions for the sake of Allaah.” Abu Qilaabah said: he started with one’s children, then Abu Qilaabah said, what man earns a greater reward than one who spends on his small children so as spare them from having to beg or so that Allaah may benefit them through him and make them independent?


In Saheeh al-Bukhaari (1295) and Saheeh Muslim (1628) it is narrated from Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “You will never spend anything seeking the Face of Allaah thereby, but you will be rewarded for it, even (the food) that you put in your wife’s mouth.”
In al-Bukhaari (55) and Muslim (1002) it is narrated from Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When a man spends on his family, hoping for reward, that is (counted as) an act of charity for him.”
In al-Saheehayn (al-Bukhaari, 1442, Muslim, 1010), it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “there is no day on which people wake up but two angels come down. One of them says, ‘O Allaah, compensate anyone who spends’ and the other says, ‘O Allaah, destroy the one who withholds.’”


In al-Saheehayn (al-Bukhaari, 1418; Muslim, 2629) it is narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “A woman entered upon me and she had her two daughters with her. She asked me [for food] and I did not have anything except one date. I gave it to her and she shared it between her daughters and did not eat any of it herself. Then she got up and left. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came in and I told him (what had happened). He said, ‘Whoever is tested with any of these girls and he treats them kindly, they will be a shield for him against the Fire.’”


In Muslim (2630) it is also narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “A poor woman came to me carrying her two daughters, and I gave her three dates. She gave each of them a date, and raised one date to her mouth to eat it. Then her daughters asked her for more food, so she split the date that she had wanted to eat between them. I was impressed by her action and I told the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) what she had done. He said, ‘Because of that, Allaah has guaranteed Paradise for her, or saved her from Hell.’”


In Muslim (2631) it is narrated from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever sponsors (takes care of) two girls until they reach adulthood, he and I will come on the Day of Resurrection (like this)” – and he put his fingers together.

And there are many similar ahaadeeth. And Allaah knows best.
(Adapted from Ghidha’ al-Albaab, 2/437)


Ibn Battaal (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: he should spend on himself, on his wife and on those on whom he is obliged to spend without being stingy or extravagant in that, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):


“And those who, when they spend, are neither extravagant nor niggardly, but hold a medium (way) between those (extremes)”

[al-Furqaan 25:67]


This spending is better than charity and all other kinds of spending. (Tarh al-Tathreeb, 2/74)


And Allaah knows best.

Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=22063&ln=eng&txt=
Reply

AnonymousPoster
04-03-2007, 09:26 PM
:sl: jazakallah khair brother very helpful w.salam
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:02 AM
:w:

alhamdulilah my imaan is not weaker or am not falling apart due to this matter that am faced with......its not end of the world of me......

I may not see the result now..but inshAllah i'll be greatfull afterwards.

the prob/dilemma is..how do i approach my parents....how do i confront them that i havnt been accepted for something that my career was based on..that i wont become that...

They had alot of hopes for me, i seriously dnt knw wot to do

it is more likely i will get another interview from another institute but i dont have the ability or neither confidence to get into this career path.

i still want to be in education, erm perhaps do MA. if am accepted

Help me inshAllah!

:sl:
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------
04-18-2007, 09:07 AM
:salamext:

I dont really know what to say in this situation....
havnt been accepted for something that my career was based on..that i wont become that...
Maybe it was for the better? Allah swt also wants the best for us. Maybe something bad might have happened in the future within the job, so you should be grateful that thank Allaah, and ask Him to Guide you....

Sorry if that wasnt much help.
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:11 AM
am not upset or emotional about this matter. When i first checked it online erm i was aware and felt that i wont be accepted for this course!

Straight away prayed and made dua alhamdulilah to guide and protect me inshAllah. Everything happens the will of Allah(swt), something better is stored for me out there inshAllah

jazaks sis for responding!

its just how do i approach my parents? thats my worry?:cry:
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:16 AM
yes alhamdulilah they are very religious indeed! surely my parents will understand , its jus i dnt have the guts or power to face them, am afraid.
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------
04-18-2007, 09:20 AM
:salamext:

I know what you mean, its like you feel you have let your parents down right? Dont be scared, just go up to them and tell them what has happened, and that you are sorry and Inshaa Allaah you will try your best again in another field/subject? They will understand you, in fact, they will most probably try to comfort you. :)

Hope that helped.
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:27 AM
jazaks sis am confident enough to tell my lil brother may be he can tell my mum, from there i'll complete the conversation! oh man it just am the eldest,

i actually dnt have any other interest in other fields, seriously rather try my best in the second interview or apply for MA and during summer find a part time job sumwhere...

I still have hope in myself and i place my full trust, belief in Allah(swt)!
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------
04-18-2007, 09:28 AM
:salamext:

Good luck, wish you all the best. Dont worry, Inshaa Allaah everything will turn out fine in the end.
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:29 AM
indeed he knws wot is best and bad for me...i continue to pray and make dua inshAllah!!!!!
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AnonymousPoster
04-18-2007, 09:30 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Muj4h1d4
:salamext:

Good luck, wish you all the best. Dont worry, Inshaa Allaah everything will turn out fine in the end.
inshAllah..pray for me!!!:)
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------
04-18-2007, 09:30 AM
:salamext:

Will do Inshaa Allaah :D
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Snowflake
04-18-2007, 09:38 AM
Aslamu alaikum, InshaAllah, Allah has other plans for you.

Firstly, choose an appropriate time to tell your parents, like when they're not worrying about something else God forbid. Then tell them that you haven't been accepted but you believe that it wasn't Allah's will and that you have faith He has something else planned for you. That way, not only will you be able to tell them the truth but at the same time give them the inspiration to think likewise and make it easier for them to accept it.


If that approach is too difficult for you then can you make it look as if you don't know yet and tell your parents that you are just about to check online and ask them to come with you? Which ever way you choose, be sure to remain positive as it will make it easier for them to accept the outcome inshaAllah.

I'm sorry, I know it's not of much help. But personally I'd go with the first option. May Allah make it easy for you.
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Malaikah
04-18-2007, 12:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
how do i confront them that i havnt been accepted for something that my career was based on..that i wont become that...
:sl:

Could you perhaps re-word that sentence... I can't understand what you are trying to say...

it is more likely i will get another interview from another institute but i dont have the ability or neither confidence to get into this career path.
Do you mean you don't want to study this thing? If so, why did you even apply for it? :?

As for telling parents... try "1, 2, 3, bismillah" and go for it... I can't think of anything else, sorry. :X
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lolwatever
04-18-2007, 12:48 PM
salams bro/sis

at the end of the day.. u just gotta make up ur mind n think what suits you best n go ahead with it (After istikharah n consultation i guess)... if ur parents have always wanted u to endup in somethng specific... they'll get over it inshalah dont you worry lol :D

all the best
salamz
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skhalid
04-18-2007, 12:52 PM
All good and bad are controlled by ALLAH SUBHANAHU WATAALA!!!
Don't get me wrong, but maybe its for the best, inshallah you will find the right thing in the end...your parents should be able to accept...hopefully, you will find another career that both you they will be pleased with...ameen
Jazakallah
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Leena
04-19-2007, 06:47 PM
How does one tell their family that they are now Muslim??
Even though I converted to Islam 9 months ago, my family does not know. I am afraid to come out right and tell them for fear of being disowned. I know if I told them, there would be big problems.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Woodrow
04-19-2007, 07:27 PM
Nearly 30 years ago my daughter faced the same problem. Of course she was probably older then you are now and she was not living at home. Well she called me on the phone and the conversation went about like this. "Dad, I'm Muslim now and my name now is Amina" To her surprise my reply was "Amina as long as I know it is your own choice and that you thought about it, all I can say is be the best Muslim you can possibly be."

She had thought that at the very least I was going to disown her. We did have a long time falling out a few years later, but that had nothing to do with her being Muslim.

I suggest just tell them. Be honest. Their reaction may surprise you.

An after math to the story of Amina and me after too many years we forgave each other. I now live with her and her family and I now am a Muslim. Sometimes the kids can lead the parents.
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- Qatada -
04-19-2007, 07:36 PM
Asalaamu 'alykum (peace be upon you) sister.


Remember that it's not compulsory upon you to tell your family that you've become muslim. Do it at a time when you feel it's best, and the companions of the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) hid their Islaam out of fear of persecution also.

There are many reverts who go through what you're going through, sometimes even muslims who are born in a muslim household, because they fear that there family will accuse them of being extreme. So it's not only new reverts.


Maybe you could show them through your character that you've become a more better person, maybe you're being more patient lately? Or maybe you're more kinder to others. As you show good manners, they might start wondering why you've become so good, so patient etc. And then is the right time to tell them how Islaam is a whole way of life, and how by placing your trust in Allaah - He has made your life more easier and relaxed for you.

It can be a gradual process and you don't have to rush it. I hope Allaah makes it easy for you, and remember that He is your best friend so turn to Him always because we are all in need of His help. No-one can harm you or benefit you except by His will, and He is the Most Wise, All Knowing, so place your trust in Him all the time.


We will keep you in our prayers sister, and remember that you have billions of family members from different races and nationalities all over the world who are also praying for you. I hope Allaah makes you successful in this life and the one to come. ameen.



Peace.
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Tilmeez
04-19-2007, 07:45 PM
sister Leena,
after the story of Akhee al Kareem Woodrow and a detailed reply from Akhee Fi-Sabi', i would only say, in word of Bro Fi
I hope Allaah makes you successful in this life and the one to come. ameen.
Ameen Thuma Ameen
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Rie_Maya
04-19-2007, 08:51 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Leena
How does one tell their family that they are now Muslim??
Even though I converted to Islam 9 months ago, my family does not know. I am afraid to come out right and tell them for fear of being disowned. I know if I told them, there would be big problems.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Salaams, I know how you feel, believe me!!!

I converted 13/14 years ago - and my family still do not know for sure - as in I haven't hidden my life from them but not told them head-on so to speak...

It is not a requirement to tell your family - or indeed anyone... take your time - if it is right you will do it - me I am taking the option of Insha'Allah marrying one day and then sort of hoping that once children arrive that they will realise but we won't confront the issue as if we did all manner of problems would arise - so best left unmentioned...

I would say though - it has been a strain on myself not being able to be totally open about it with my family for all of these years - and there were many Muslims who have said many cruel words about my situation... in fact many have blatantly said that I cannot be Muslim if I do not tell them and that I would never find a brother to marry me if I didn't...

Whatever happens and choices you decide to make - pray for the best - whether it be to remain quiet or tell, but only do it if it is right for you, insha'Allah. make dua and may Allah SWT keep your imaan strong.

Oh and Marsha'Allah on your finding the path of Allah.
May Allah reward you.
Reply

Al-Zaara
04-20-2007, 08:04 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Malaikah
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
how do i confront them that i havnt been accepted for something that my career was based on..that i wont become that...
:sl:

Could you perhaps re-word that sentence... I can't understand what you are trying to say...
Asselamu aleykum,

She/He is saying that she/he hasn't been accepted in the course/interview/or something, that had a great impact on the career she/he had chosen to take. That without being accepted, she/he won't become what she planned to be (the career).
Question is: how to tell the parents?

Sigh. I remember the time when the only question was "To be, or not to be?"...


First of all Anon, don't you think it's best to find out if that really is what you want (the career)? If your only motivation is parents and you otherwise don't want to, then I'm pretty sure you'll regret this decision later in life.
Reply

michaelconvert
04-21-2007, 05:44 AM
I haven’t told my family yet either. It has been about 3 months or something like that. One day i my Dad asked my why my alarm rang so early in the morning ........ I said i must have set it wrong. I dont like to lie but i didnt know what else to do. He also just saw a book i got

The Autobiography of Malcolm X

he questioned me about it
i just said i heard it was a good book
although all the people who have told me just happen to be Muslim

So yeah ........ i dont know what to do either
I feel that if it came down to arguing for Islam i could do it

when your upon the truth defending it should be easy
but my parents can be illogical about things like this

My Allah help everyone in this situation
its really scary
Reply

Abdul Fattah
04-21-2007, 12:14 PM
Well it's definitely very hard, but my advice to you is just say it calmly and openly, that's all you can do. Their reaction is up to them, you're not supposed to sugarcoat it or beat around the bush. And when they ask you questions, be sure to answer the question only, instead of trying to justify your choices. I know this was one of the mistakes I made, but it just amounts to debate, fights and frustration. If they have a hard time, just be patient with them inshaAllah, show them how you've changed for the better, since the best dawah is leading by example. And inshaallah make lots of dua that Allah subhana wa ta'ala lead their hearts to islam.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for you.
Reply

anonymous
04-21-2007, 06:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Woodrow
Nearly 30 years ago my daughter faced the same problem. Of course she was probably older then you are now and she was not living at home. Well she called me on the phone and the conversation went about like this. "Dad, I'm Muslim now and my name now is Amina" To her surprise my reply was "Amina as long as I know it is your own choice and that you thought about it, all I can say is be the best Muslim you can possibly be."

She had thought that at the very least I was going to disown her. We did have a long time falling out a few years later, but that had nothing to do with her being Muslim.

I suggest just tell them. Be honest. Their reaction may surprise you.

An after math to the story of Amina and me after too many years we forgave each other. I now live with her and her family and I now am a Muslim. Sometimes the kids can lead the parents.
mashaAllah bruva gud on ya!! :rock:
Reply

FatimaAsSideqah
04-21-2007, 06:38 PM
:sl:

I have been posted my thread about last week..

Take a look at this link: http://www.islamicboard.com/discover...n-muslims.html

This is my thread..hope it will helped, InshAllah!

:w:
Reply

tears_of_hope
04-22-2007, 03:55 PM
Assalamu alaikum

I am a Muslim (converted last september). I am living with my mother who is a Hindu. Even though I have tried to explain why I converted to her, to the best of my ability, she believes that I am going through a "phase" or that I am in love with a Muslim guy and hence want to convert. Of course, it's not true and I have converted only because I believe in Islam. But she hasn't understood.

Most unfortunately, she has a deep hatred for Islam. She shouts at me when I offer my prayers and so I am finding myself rushing through my prayers when she is in the house. :cry: I used to look forward to prayer times with joy and now I feel almost scared of them.

I would have thought of leaving home if she wasn't so emotional. In fact she is recovering from depression, following my father's untimely death and is possessive about me. The psychiatrist says that she is still suicidal. I believe she keeps an eye on me when I am outside ( she seems to always know where I have been) so I dare not visit the Islamic Centres here.

I often feel depressed and sometimes (Astaghfirullah) doubt if I have done the right thing by converting cause it has caused so much pain for my dear mother. I know it is not correct to feel this way, but I can't help it. I feel so weak, knowing that I am not doing the Islamically correct thing by feeling this way. :cry: I can't concentrate on anything anymore, I keep worrying about my future and am almost sure that I'll never make it to Heaven if I were to die soon.:cry:

I plan to leave home after completing my education and hope that my mother is better by then, Inshallah. But until then, I don't know what to do. I am sure there are sisters and brothers on this board who have gone through similar situations, who could perhaps help me with advice?

Jazakallah for reading this.

Assalamu alaikum.
Reply

Irfan's Wife
04-22-2007, 04:03 PM
:sl: Sister,your Imaan is being tested.The situation with your mother is a test,don't doubt Allah's love and mercy.He will help you, you should do dua, and sincerely put all your trust in Allah swt He will help you.Inshallah everything will be ok.I know right now it seems really hard but after every hardship comes ease.And I will do dua for you and Inshallah your relationship with your mother will become better,Ameen.Please don't give up you have got to gain your strength from continuous prayer and dhikr.I hope that helps.


Sis are you ok?
Reply

yigiter187
04-22-2007, 04:13 PM
think muhammad.(saw).he underwent so many pressures but remember that he didnt accepted so many rıchnesses offered by nonmuslims because he wanted the happiness of akhirah.. ı went to my uncles grave today and ı thought that ıt is worth doing everything for happines of akhirah...at one side :temporaray happinesse or sorrows of an average 60 years...on the other side life of ınfınıte happiness....
Reply

'Abd al-Baari
04-22-2007, 04:14 PM
:sl:

May Allah make it easy for you...Ameen

Don't give up your hope in Allah sis..do Dua
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
04-22-2007, 04:19 PM
:salamext:

ukhtee theres many such examples of the great companions of the prophet saws, theres even examples from the prophets. inshaAllah listening to them will strengthen you greatly.


Theres one sahabi whos mother always use to insult the prophet saws, this use to hurt the sahabi so much till one day he ran to the prophet saws in tears and asked him to supplicate Allah to guide his mother. The prophet saws did so and this resulted in the sahabi's mother coming to islam.

Alhamdulillah :D


theres the example of ibrahim AS, whos father was staunch against him, but ibrahim AS even then said to him " i will pray for your guidance", the father went far enough to throw him into the fire, a fire so big they had to cattapult him in to escape the heat.




sister theres many examples and all i can say is that the most pleasure and happiness you can find is in the obediance of Allah swt. Everyone gets tested, once a man came up to the prophet saws and attested his love for him to which the prophet saws replied that tests will befall him one after the other like a gushing river.


Sister inshaAllah i pray you attain jannatul firdaus, you mother might convert one day inshaAllah.



keep trying inshaAllah.
Reply

- Qatada -
04-22-2007, 04:25 PM
:wasalamex


May Allaah ease your affairs sister.


Your situation reminds me of a similar situation that a companion of the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) went through:


Companion: Sa'ad ibn Abi Waqas:
While the Prophet was delighted with Sad's acceptance of Islam, others including and especially his mother were not. Sad relates: "When my mother heard the news of my Islam, she flew into a rage. She came up to me and said:

"O Sad! What is this religion that you have embraced which has taken you away from the religion of your mother and father...? By God, either you forsake your new religion or I would not eat or drink until I die. Your heart would be broken with grief for me and remorse would consume you on account of the deed which you have done and people would censure you forever more.'

'Don't do (such a thing), my mother,' I said, 'for I would not give up my religion for anything.'

However, she went on with her threat... For days she neither ate nor drank. She became emaciated and weak. Hour after hour, I went to her asking whether I should bring her some food or something to drink but she persistently refused, insisting that she would neither eat nor drink until she died or I abandoned my religion. I said to her:

'Yaa Ummaah! In spite of my strong love for you, my love for God and His Messenger is indeed stronger. By God, if you had a thousand souls and one soul after another were to depart, I would not abandon this my religion for anything.' When she saw that I was determined she relented unwillingly and ate and drank."

It was concerning Sad's relationship with his mother and her attempt to force him to recant his faith that the words of the Quran were revealed: "And we enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents. In pain upon pain did his mother bear him and his weaning took two years. So show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final destiny.

"But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not. Yet bear them company in this life with justice and consideration and follow the way of those who turn to Me. In the end, the return of you all is to Me and I shall tell you (the truth and meaning of) all that you used to do."

(Surah Luqman, 31: 14-15).
More...

Don't give up on your Islaam, remember that you are being tested, and other believers are also being tested in different ways. Also know that Allaah never overburdens a soul with what it can't bear, so anything which is happening to you right now is something that you can be patient with.

Remember that Allaah is on your side, and He tests those whom He loves - so don't despair of Allaah's Mercy, Reward and Victory. However, know that this can only come through patience and by placing one's trust in Allaah.


A famous scholar said that you should be like a bird, the love of Allaah is the heart (which keeps you living), and the other two wings are the wings of hope and fear. The hope that you can get Allaah's reward and the concept of fear - so you don't transgress the boundaries set by Allaah. If one was to outweigh the other - the bird would fall, so if you are in a state of fear right now, balance it out with placing your hope and trust in Allaah.



We will continue praying for you, and remember to stay constant in your prayers. Praying is better than not praying at all. And surely after hardship Allaah will grant ease, just know that this is a test from Allaah to strengthen you in faith, and you realise how precious Islaam really is to you because sacrificing shows onces dedication and sincerety to Allaah. If someone doesn't even sacrifice for Allaah, then they really have to question their faith right? And the praise is for Allaah that you are showing that sincerety through what you are facing right now, since we know that Hellfire is surrounded by evil lusts and desires, whereas Paradise is surrounded by hardship and disliked things.

I hope and pray to Allaah to keep you steadfast, and to stay constant in your obedience to Allaah. Allaah provides a way out for those who keep their duty to Him from ways they never expected. And without a doubt He grants ease after hardship.
Reply

yigiter187
04-22-2007, 04:25 PM
remember that "JANNAT İS NOT CHEAP AND HELL İS NOT UNNECCESSARY"
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